Flash Gorgnome: A Jerry and the Gnome Boyz mystery
Flash did time upstate for public nudity and humping a park bench, but was recently released. He returned to Jerry’s crew mysteriously at an undisclosed time, which is strange, because flashers are not typically stealthy.
They usually like attention, and let’s face it; Flash is hard to miss.
Normally either Matt or I shuttle Jerry’s boyz to our home from whatever underground location in which they’re hiding. Sometimes it’s not so much an underground location as a directly above-ground location, usually in a garden.
Either way, we transport these vicious gang members because we figure it’s the least we can do, given they protect our home from evil…or maybe just birds.
This time, however, we didn’t transport Flash at all. An ungnome person brought him to our door. Who is the mysterious transporter? I’m not sure. It’s a true phenomegnome.
I was home all day when Flash arrived with his gygnomous…ahem…package. Gnomebody gnomes how he was able to get to Jerry’s lair without anyone noticing, but he did.
Do you need someone to clean up a mess at 2:00 in the morning? Flash has a guy. (Note: that guy won’t clean up ice cream off the floor at 2:00 in the morning. Trust me on this one.)
Do you need someone to get you a fake ID; one that will make you 10 years younger? Flash has a guy.
Jerry is already pretty connected and doesn’t need Flash around, especially since Flash isn’t a very good member of the gang. That’s what makes his presence all the more troubling. Who has an agenda to bring Flash back to the Gnome Boyz?
I have a few ideas.
#1. Buffalo Chicken Dip
She is my gnomeber one suspect. Although she may seem to be an innocent friend, she makes a killer buffalo chicken dip. Literally. She’s deadly with it (as is the gas from it).
BCD is suspicious because of how nice she is. From bringing me dips to desserts, she’s been a great friend while I’ve been sick and homebound. However, I’m beginning to think she did this simply to get on Jerry’s good side.
Seeing her come to the door bringing offerings may have dulled Jerry’s instincts about her, which would be why he didn’t alert us when she dropped off Flash.
#2. The Trekkies
These are my neighbors who are never above suspicion. They’re also regular guests at our house, as they like to drink almost as much as we do. They frequent our house and patio for beers (mostly when we’re there, but not always).
They also have a key to our house, which they use sometimes to drop off baked goods. For these reasons, Jerry wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped by.
Their motive might be jealousy over BCD dropping off tasty treats as well. Either way, they’re extremely suspicious, and not just because they’re Trekkies.
#3. The Great Ape
She is one of my best friends but an especially devious suspect. Please recall last year, when she savagely severed the head of an innocent teddy bear. The Great Ape could easily be connected to the underground Gnome world. She does crossfit, which would give her the perfect skills and agility needed to bring Flash to my house, unbegnome to me.
I’m still friends with her despite her crossfit habit, but transporting flashing gnomes could signal the end of our friendship.
At this point I’m not ruling anyone out. Flash is staying with the Gnome Boyz where he belongs, but I’m still investigating. Who do you think did this? Who would stoop so low as to bring another Gnome Boy into our yard. (Literally. Who can physically stoop that low? It’s under our siding.)
I suppose he’ll remain with the gang forever, or until the police pick him up for carrying a concealed weapon (in his pants).