photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

I love infomercials.  I used to deny it but now I’m embracing it.  How better to waste an hour of your day than watching actors pretend to be frustrated with things that rarely cause frustration?

I had no idea it took a long time to remove screws with a screwdriver, or that doing so caused stress, sweating and fatigue.

Thank goodness there’s now a SpeedOut that removes those pesky screws quickly.  After all, we wouldn’t want to take the normal 15 seconds to do so.

Because I’m an infomercial junkie, I’ve composed a list of my five favorite “As Seen On TV” products. These are simultaneously the best and worst ideas ever.

photo credit: Vermin Inc via photopin cc

photo credit: Vermin Inc via photopin cc

The Pocket Hose

The last time I heard of a pocket gadget it certainly wasn’t a hose.  (Quite the opposite, actually.)  Either way, I can’t think of a single place I would go where I would need a hose in my back pocket.

If they didn’t intend for it to be placed in one’s pocket, they shouldn’t market it as something that can be worn for that “hose emergency.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been somewhere and thought “If only I had a hose in my pocket, this problem would be solved.”

I know how many times I’ve said that.  Zero.  I’ve said it zero times.

photo credit: Lawrence Whittemore via photopin <a

photo credit: Lawrence Whittemore via photopin <a

The Ninja Wallet

This is a wallet that contains 6 wrenches, 2 rulers, 4 screwdrivers, 4 openers, and a cell phone stand.  I’m not kidding.  This is in addition to money and the old condom the ninja using this wallet most certainly has.

I can understand why a ninja might need some of these tools.  Perhaps he needs one screwdriver.  But four?

This ninja is out and about and can’t figure out how to open something with only three screwdrivers?  Seems to me he’s not much of a ninja if he needs all of these tools.

photo credit: TheMarque via photopin cc

photo credit: TheMarque via photopin cc

Bullseye Pee Pads

These are for your dog, which makes them only slightly less gross.  These pads are designed with a bullseye of scents in the middle of the pad to make your dog pee there.

Apparently people have a real problem with their dogs peeing on a pad in their living room.

My quick fix to that?  Take your dog outside to pee.  It’s all the rage.

If someone is going to make a bullseye for pee, it should be to put in the toilet so my husband can get better aim.

Chocolate Cake Slice with RaspberriesDump Cakes

Yes, that’s right.  Dump Cakes.  It sounds like a college prank but apparently this item exists.  It’s a box of cake ingredients that you simply open, dump into a pan, and bake.

It’s marketed as being so much easier than making a cake from scratch.

Apparently they’ve never heard of cake mix, which involves dumping the box, adding an egg, water and oil and then baking.  If they find that’s too much work, they probably don’t need to be eating a cake.

They should take a walk around the block and eat a banana or two.

photo credit: - Annetta - via photopin cc<

photo credit: – Annetta – via photopin cc<

The Furniture Fix

This item is placed under your couch cushions when they start to sag.  It’s a set of interlocking pieces that’s supposed to provide additional support.  The pieces look exactly like 2x4s, although they probably cause less splinters.

Is this an item that’s really needed?  After all, the couch I had in college came to me saggy and stained and I had no problem passing out on that several nights a week.

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

Perhaps technology would be better used keeping my ass from sagging instead.

Now that I’ve shown you the best items “As Seen On TV” has to offer, head on over to their website and fill up your shopping cart.

Yes, they have a website despite their repeated assertions you can only get the item if you call within the next 15 minutes.

I guess maybe we can’t trust whatever we see on TV.

As seen on tv

21 Thoughts on “The Best and Worst “As Seen On TV” Items

  1. Ummmmm, pocket hoses and dump cakes mean entirely different things in my head. Yours too? (Please say, “YES!”)
    Foxy Wine Pocket just rambled about…15 Ways to Make Dance Recitals Not SuckMy Profile

    • You know I was thinking the same things you were! I was trying to keep it PG but I knew my fellow peeps would know what I really wanted to say. Dump cake?! That’s insane. I’m not sure I would eat it even if it was the tastiest thing ever.

  2. I have to kind of stand up for the dog pee pads. While I don’t need the scented variety, sometimes old dogs have a hard time holding it and accidents happen. When there’s a pee pad there, it saves the carpet! Other than that, you’re spot on 😉
    Abby just rambled about…The 10 Commandments of Grocery ShoppingMy Profile

    • I used to use the dog pee pads for Bentley when he was a puppy and I lived in an apartment. I still have some in my basement. I would have loved the bullseye ones when he was a puppy!

    • Truth be told, when I was first practicing law and went out a lot, I would put a pee pad on the side of my bed on the floor. That way if I had to puke I could puke on the floor and then wrap it up and throw it away.

      I seriously did that and it totally worked.

  3. Lisa, it is 6 a.m. here in Sacramento, California. I took one look at your post and could not stop laughing. Pulllease, Girl. Don’t be doing this to me because the garbage man is coming, and I need to fill my garbage can quota. I will read this again (and laugh until I cry) later because I’m done with the boob tube. I only watch “The Young and the Restless” because it’s all the drama I need in this retired life. Since I am basically living on my pension and my younger hubby’s wallet, I can’t buy the stuff that is always being advertised on TV. Ask my parents. That’s why they hoarded their money after having me. I was always pointing to the toy commercials on TV, and they could not say “No!” I was a very expensive kid until I was 28. Their worst nightmare!!!
    Arlene Poma just rambled about…The Only Thing You Need to Know About Wall Street, Your Money, the Internet, and LifeMy Profile

    • This comment made my day! I love knowing I make you laugh…even in another time zone.

      I can’t believe “The Young and the Restless” is still on TV! I remember secretly watching that when I was a kid even though I didn’t understand half of it!

      Thanks for reading! Please come back anytime and I will do my best to entertain you.

  4. Not going to lie… I kind of want to try the dump cake.
    Kate just rambled about…Cirque du Soleil: AmalunaMy Profile

    • I secretly want to try the dump cake too…but couldn’t they have given it a better name? Maybe “All-in-one cake?”

      Dump cake just suggested you’re going to have bowel issues later.

  5. I love how the 15 minutes I have to call exists no matter when I’m watching, which usually adds up to about a nanosecond. Unlike you, I have yet to learn to embrace infomercials. They rank right up there with bikini waxing and root canals.

    Thanks for the laugh Lisa! You never disappoint 🙂
    Doreen@househoneys just rambled about…My First Milk Paint Project!My Profile

    • I’ve always wondered about that whole “15 minutes until the offer expires.” So they want us to believe that they know exactly when the commercials air and they hire people only during those times to start a stopwatch and take phone calls.

      I’m pretty sure I could call any time and they’d still try to sell me something. I’m glad you noticed that too. It always bugged me!

  6. I’ve seen a few pocket hoses around my neighborhood, all stretched out and looped up like regular hoses. They don’t shrink back to pocket size.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 just rambled about…I Hate Soccer and Adulting.My Profile

  7. Oh man you need a STOVE for a dump cake?? That’s not as easy as I thought. I guess I need to revise my “Homeless By 50” plan.

    • Right?! If it was so easy to bake a cake they wouldn’t make us use a stove.

      Clearly these people have never been introduced to the bakery at any grocery store where they have pre-made cakes.

  8. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been somewhere and thought “If only I had a hose in my pocket, this problem would be solved.”

    I know how many times I’ve said that. Zero. I’ve said it zero times.”

    Sarah (est. 1975) just rambled about…sticky fings: the parting of my panty hamsterMy Profile

  9. You are a mess and I love you long time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to roll my ass off my saggy couch and go make a dump…cake.
    Christine Burke just rambled about…Foxy and The KeeperMy Profile

  10. Cracking up, Lisa! The Girl and I were in Target the other day and saw the pocket hose. Even she commented on it with a “Yes, for alllllll the times you need to put your hose in your pocket …” And then we both envisioned the totally inappropriate twist on what she just said and giggled. These are great!
    Real Life Parenting just rambled about…So You Think I’m a Bad Mom for Not Playing with my Kids at the PoolMy Profile

    • It’s so true! I try to keep my blog very PG but there were so many comments I wanted to make like “Is that a hose in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.” Or maybe something about a snake in the garden…hose….

      And yet, the person who came up with this idea is probably a millionaire….

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