I love infomercials. I used to deny it but now I’m embracing it. How better to waste an hour of your day than watching actors pretend to be frustrated with things that rarely cause frustration?
I had no idea it took a long time to remove screws with a screwdriver, or that doing so caused stress, sweating and fatigue.
Thank goodness there’s now a SpeedOut that removes those pesky screws quickly. After all, we wouldn’t want to take the normal 15 seconds to do so.
Because I’m an infomercial junkie, I’ve composed a list of my five favorite “As Seen On TV” products. These are simultaneously the best and worst ideas ever.
The Pocket Hose
The last time I heard of a pocket gadget it certainly wasn’t a hose. (Quite the opposite, actually.) Either way, I can’t think of a single place I would go where I would need a hose in my back pocket.
If they didn’t intend for it to be placed in one’s pocket, they shouldn’t market it as something that can be worn for that “hose emergency.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been somewhere and thought “If only I had a hose in my pocket, this problem would be solved.”
I know how many times I’ve said that. Zero. I’ve said it zero times.
The Ninja Wallet
This is a wallet that contains 6 wrenches, 2 rulers, 4 screwdrivers, 4 openers, and a cell phone stand. I’m not kidding. This is in addition to money and the old condom the ninja using this wallet most certainly has.
I can understand why a ninja might need some of these tools. Perhaps he needs one screwdriver. But four?
This ninja is out and about and can’t figure out how to open something with only three screwdrivers? Seems to me he’s not much of a ninja if he needs all of these tools.
Bullseye Pee Pads
These are for your dog, which makes them only slightly less gross. These pads are designed with a bullseye of scents in the middle of the pad to make your dog pee there.
Apparently people have a real problem with their dogs peeing on a pad in their living room.
My quick fix to that? Take your dog outside to pee. It’s all the rage.
If someone is going to make a bullseye for pee, it should be to put in the toilet so my husband can get better aim.
Yes, that’s right. Dump Cakes. It sounds like a college prank but apparently this item exists. It’s a box of cake ingredients that you simply open, dump into a pan, and bake.
It’s marketed as being so much easier than making a cake from scratch.
Apparently they’ve never heard of cake mix, which involves dumping the box, adding an egg, water and oil and then baking. If they find that’s too much work, they probably don’t need to be eating a cake.
They should take a walk around the block and eat a banana or two.
The Furniture Fix
This item is placed under your couch cushions when they start to sag. It’s a set of interlocking pieces that’s supposed to provide additional support. The pieces look exactly like 2x4s, although they probably cause less splinters.
Is this an item that’s really needed? After all, the couch I had in college came to me saggy and stained and I had no problem passing out on that several nights a week.
Perhaps technology would be better used keeping my ass from sagging instead.
Now that I’ve shown you the best items “As Seen On TV” has to offer, head on over to their website and fill up your shopping cart.
Yes, they have a website despite their repeated assertions you can only get the item if you call within the next 15 minutes.
I guess maybe we can’t trust whatever we see on TV.