There are several things I’m embarrassed about in my life, but tonight there are two fewer items on that list.
I’m from a small town in Illinois that was approximately 50,000 people when I was growing up. It’s now around 45,000 people so all you fact-checkers out there, please spare me the snarky email correcting my stats.
What can I say? The town fell apart when I left.
Aside from a slight embarrassment about growing up in a small Midwestern town, a large embarrassing fact about me is that I love McDonald’s. Okay, maybe it’s not as well kept of a secret as I’d like it to be, as my bumper sticker says “This car brakes for McDonald’s.”
Whatever. I love it.
Yes, I know it’s bad for me, but I’m clearly not the picture of health, so let me have this one (of many) vice.
Today, however, I’m proud to admit my humble beginnings in that small town in Illinois as it is quite close to another small town that’s made the newspapers. What’s even better? The story is about McDonald’s.
According to BuzzFeed, a couple in the small town of Ottumwa, Iowa, allege they purchased a cheeseburger from McDonald’s that was filled with pot. Yes. Marijuana. Ganja. Mary Jane. Reefer.
The police are investigating but if you ask me, this is the perfect way to serve pot. You can get stoned while also curing the munchies that most certainly will follow.
I certainly hope McDonald’s capitalizes on this concept. Adding it to a value meal makes perfect sense, as stoners can munch on fries after hitting the bong a few times.
It’s also a great way to get newbies hooked. A dealer could simply slip a little chronic into a milkshake and before too long the drive-thru would be smokin’. Literally.
Come to think of it, I might be more likely to eat a salad from McDonald’s if I knew the weeds I was eating were more than just iceberg lettuce.
And who doesn’t want to get a little nugget while getting their chicken McNuggets? Extra sauce with a side of hash please.
All of a sudden people would be asking for a side of dime bag with their McRib. I wonder if that could be super-sized.
If it could be super-sized, maybe I would be saying “I’m Lovin’ It!’ a little more.
Perhaps now the toy in the Happy Meal will be Puff the Magic Dragon. Before too long McDonald’s logo will change from the giant M to a water bong, or maybe just a large joint….whichever one is easier to construct.
Granted, there is some question as to whether the substance in the cheeseburger was actually marijuana. To make that determination the couple called the cops, which is a shame, as I’m sure there are high school kids everywhere who would be willing to take one for the team and test the substance.
After all, it would be in the name of justice.
What I find funny about this story is the fact that the people called the police instead of (1) ingesting it or (2) gifting it.
Graduation is upon us. Some people prefer cash while others prefer hash. It’s a perfect opportunity to take care of that loved one.
What’s also humorous is the couple immediately knew that it looked and smelled like pot. How did that couple know such a thing? Is D.A.R.E. really that effective?
Maybe in Ottumwa, Iowa it is.
In a way, I feel bad for the poor employee whose weed this was. I’m sure he was itching for his break so he could sit back and enjoy a burger while he got fried.
That’s the real tragedy here.
I’m not sure if this mystery will be solved, but one thing’s for sure. I’d like to believe the employee who processed this order is named Mary Jane.