Since I’m always on the cutting edge of fashion, allow me to introduce you to the next new fashion craze: eye patches.

Ok. Maybe the fashion world hasn’t been made aware of this new trend but they’re sure to catch wind of it soon. Hopefully it’s a pleasant wind when it blows their way.

As some of you may know, shingles bitch-slapped me across the face.  Yes, my face. Most people get them on their hip or back, but I prefer to wear my afflictions on my face. 

Unfortunately, the shingles spread to my eyes and it was actually quite serious.  I’m still recovering but it’s a painfully slow process, mostly because I have a large bandage on my forehead and I’m caught up on all the episodes of “The Mindy Project.”  

This guy knows what I'm talking about.  Check out that white eye patch! photo credit: madabandon via photopin cc

This guy knows what I’m talking about. Check out that white eye patch!
photo credit: madabandon via photopin cc

The worst part  is that it’s all over the cornea of my left eye. What does that mean? It means I feel like someone is stabbing me in the eyeball and I have a headache you can’t imagine.

I’m also extremely sensitive to light and sometimes my eye swells completely shut.  In light of this, my doctor suggested an eye patch to protect my cornea and let me heal (and to spare others from seeing my gross eye).

Because I’m frugal, I decided to fashion my own eye patch out of a scrap of yarn I had from when I tried a new crochet stitch. I connected it to a headband and had an adjustable eye patch for free. I was pumped!

My husband, however was not. He bought me a real eye patch, which lacks the creativity and pizzazz of my original creation.

Not too bad, huh?  It's adjustable!

Not too bad, huh? It’s adjustable!

I hate the eye patch but it’s necessary. So in an effort  to make me feel better about my new accessory, I looked for inspiration from others who wear eye patches.  

Knowing there are others out there suffering helps me get through this.  

It doesn’t take away the pain, but Percocet does that.

Here’s a few.

One-eyed Willie:  I’m not sure why he needs an eye patch at all. He is a skeleton who doesn’t have eyeballs. I’m not sure what purpose the patch serves other than to make him look like a badass.   If that is its purpose, it’s a success.

Captain Morgan: He looks pretty good in his patch. I suspect he suffered an injury while on the high seas, which is why he has the “captain” moniker. I also suspect he suffers from my eye pain as well. Fortunately, we both handle it the same way: with liquor.

Not nearly as cool

Not nearly as cool

Patch Adams: Okay, he doesn’t have a patch but it’s in his name so I had to include him.

Patch from “Days of our Lives”: I remember him from when I was a kid. He was covered in leather from eye to toe. He made women swoon and cattle fear for their hides.

Captain Ron: He’s everyone’s favorite captain (second only to Morgan). Perhaps his lack of boating skills is because he only has one good eye. It’s either that or he uses the patch because he lost his sunglasses.

In light of these characters who also wear eye patches I’m feeling a little better about my new accessory.

But really, it’s going to be the next big thing. Just you wait.

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

There are several things I’m embarrassed about in my life, but tonight there are two fewer items on that list.

I’m from a small town in Illinois that was approximately 50,000 people when I was growing up.  It’s now around 45,000 people so all you fact-checkers out there, please spare me the snarky email correcting my stats.

What can I say?  The town fell apart when I left.

Aside from a slight embarrassment about growing up in a small Midwestern town, a large embarrassing fact about me is that I love McDonald’s.  Okay, maybe it’s not as well kept of a secret as I’d like it to be, as my bumper sticker says “This car brakes for McDonald’s.”

Whatever.  I love it.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

Yes, I know it’s bad for me, but I’m clearly not the picture of health, so let me have this one (of many) vice.

Today, however, I’m proud to admit my humble beginnings in that small town in Illinois as it is quite close to another small town that’s made the newspapers.  What’s even better?  The story is about McDonald’s.

According to BuzzFeed, a couple in the small town of Ottumwa, Iowa, allege they purchased a cheeseburger from McDonald’s that was filled with pot. Yes.  Marijuana.  Ganja.  Mary Jane.  Reefer.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

The police are investigating but if you ask me, this is the perfect way to serve pot.  You can get stoned while also curing the munchies that most certainly will follow.

I certainly hope McDonald’s capitalizes on this concept.  Adding it to a value meal makes perfect sense, as stoners can munch on fries after hitting the bong a few times.

It’s also a great way to get newbies hooked.  A dealer could simply slip a little chronic into a milkshake and before too long the drive-thru would be smokin’.  Literally.

Come to think of it, I might be more likely to eat a salad from McDonald’s if I knew the weeds I was eating were more than just iceberg lettuce.

And who doesn’t want to get a little nugget while getting their chicken McNuggets?  Extra sauce with a side of hash please.

All of a sudden people would be asking for a side of dime bag with their McRib.  I wonder if that could be super-sized.

If it could be super-sized, maybe I would be saying “I’m Lovin’ It!’ a little more.

photo credit: TheCulinaryGeek via photopin cc

photo credit: TheCulinaryGeek via photopin cc

Perhaps now the toy in the Happy Meal will be Puff the Magic Dragon.  Before too long McDonald’s logo will change from the giant M to a water bong, or maybe just a large joint….whichever one is easier to construct.

Granted, there is some question as to whether the substance in the cheeseburger was actually marijuana.  To make that determination the couple called the cops, which is a shame, as I’m sure there are high school kids everywhere who would be willing to take one for the team and test the substance.

After all, it would be in the name of justice.

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

What I find funny about this story is the fact that the people called the police instead of (1) ingesting it or (2) gifting it.

Graduation is upon us.  Some people prefer cash while others prefer hash.  It’s a perfect opportunity to take care of that loved one.

What’s also humorous is the couple immediately knew that it looked and smelled like pot.  How did that couple know such a thing?  Is D.A.R.E. really that effective?

Maybe in Ottumwa, Iowa it is.

In a way, I feel bad for the poor employee whose weed this was.  I’m sure he was itching for his break so he could sit back and enjoy a burger while he got fried.

That’s the real tragedy here.

I’m not sure if this mystery will be solved, but one thing’s for sure.  I’d like to believe the employee who processed this order is named Mary Jane.

It’s Mother’s Day, which means Facebook feeds everywhere are filled with homages to moms.  Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms out there, and Happy Mother’s Day to me too.

Okay, so I’m not a mother in the sense that I pushed kids out of my hoo ha, but I still think I’m a mother after all.

Granted, some people would agree I’m a mother, but would then add an unfortunate expletive after that.  Those people suck.  Duh.

Hoo-ha pushing or not, I’m a mother all year long.  No, not to human babies, although I swear I love them as much as if I’d delivered them myself.

Disturbing?  Absolutely.

True?  Totally.

Max in a tux with a smooch this pooch pillow

So how am I mother, you ask?  (Aside from the a-forementioned curse word?)  Here are a few reasons:

1.  I deal with poop all the time.

No, it isn’t in a diaper, but I have to pick it up with a plastic bag, so I’m still hurting the environment the same way.

The bad part is that unlike babies who (hopefully) grow out of needing moms to tend to their bowels, my dogs will never become sufficient at picking up their own poo (with anything other than their mouths).

2.  I take them to daycare

Yes, I’m that mom, and if you took your dog to daycare, you would know why we do.  Best money ever spent, and I don’t even have to pack a lunch for them!

Much like mothers of human babies, I also worry about what they’re learning at daycare.  I fear one day Shady Jack will come home and drop the f-bomb.  I know that guy is learning bad language from all the other pups, as it certainly wouldn’t come from my angel.

3.  I’m up at least twice during the night with them

From whimpering to peeing to running out of water, I’m up with them a few times a night when all I really want to do is sleep.  Matt and I take turns pretending to be asleep so we don’t have to get up.  We’re just like a real family!

Jack in rescued collar4.  One of them is always going to the doctor

From the sniffles to randomly being attacked by two dogs, one of them is always going to the doctor for something.  We haven’t had a pink eye outbreak yet, but I know it’s coming.  (No thanks to daycare.)

5.  I spoil them with toys and treats they don’t need

Do they need baskets full of toys and an entire cabinet of treats?  Not anymore than your kid needs 10 Barbie dolls and a Malibu playhouse.

Yet, whenever I’m at a pet store, I feel obligated to get them something.  After all, they deserve it, right?

Bentley in bowtie6.  I talk to them in a baby voice.

I don’t want to admit this, but I do.  I sometimes talk to them like they’re babies and I ask them questions.  I don’t expect answers from them…yet…they’re only toddlers.

7.  I assume everyone wants to see pictures and hear stories about them.

Much like moms with their wallets full of baby photos, I’m the same way with my iPhone full of dog pics. Do you want to see them?  Not any more than I want to see the photo of your kid’s school picture.

He's actually running!

8.  I’m convinced they’re the cutest things ever and no one has cuter babies.

This is not up for debate.  I’m convinced of it because it’s 100% true.

9.  I will personally inflict pain to anyone who hurts them.

For reals.  Don’t even think about it.

10.  Our house is in constant disarray because of their toys and play time.

They can’t learn to put their toys away before getting out more, and I’ve often threatened to take them away if they don’t start taking care of them better.

Shady Jack in tuxI then burst into tears because I realize I’ve turned into my mother.

11.  They’re the reason we sometimes miss social events.

From missing a charity event because Bentley ingested stuffing from a toy, to missing a road trip with friends because Shady Jack’s junk was bleeding, we seem to miss events just as much as other parents do.

12.  Our friends are comprised of their friends’ parents

Just like soccer moms team up together in their velour track suits with their cup of espresso, dog moms team up together in their dog-walking clothes with their handful of poo bags.  It’s a shared bond, and no, you can’t join in.

13.  I correct other parents on their parenting styles

If I see someone handling their dog in a way I don’t agree with, I say something.  Did they ask me for help as I passed them while walking down the street?

No, but I’m sure they’re happier to have my wisdom, as I’m clearly an excellent dog parent.  Moms on the playground do the same thing.

Everyone hates those moms.

All 3 at photo shoot14.  I spend most of my disposable income on them

Have you seen the cute toys, bones, treats, collars, leashes and games you can buy for your dogs?  If you have, you definitely have a living room full of Angry Bird dog toys and doggie iPhones.

15. Conflicting parenting styles are a source of arguments

At times, Matt and I will disagree about which way is the best way to discipline the dogs.  Obviously, since I’m always right, my parenting style is correct.

However, it takes him a minute before I beat him down he comes to his senses and realizes my way is the right way.

See?  I’ve convinced you why I’m a mother.  I’ve also convinced you I’m a crazy dog person who probably needs to get a grip on reality, but you knew that already.  You read this blog.

Much like all moms, I love my boys far more than I should, and I wouldn’t trade the three of them for anything in the world.  I couldn’t be happier with them, and I’m so lucky I get to be their mom.

And just like other moms, I don’t have a favorite.*

*I totally have a favorite.

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Happy Mother’s Day to two of my favorite moms.  One of them gave birth to me and the other gave birth to the apple of my eye, my sweet niece, Miss K. The other handsome dudes in the photos are my dad and my brother, as if you couldn’t figure that out.