Matt in seattleYou know him as the witty guy who makes you laugh with unintentionally funny comments.  I know him as the guy who’s always trying to touch my boobs.

Either way, he’s back for the April edition of more “funny crap my husband says when he’s not at all trying to be funny.”

The only thing that would make these posts better would be if you could see his face immediately after he drops these nuggets of wisdom.  It’s even funnier than the nuggets themselves.

Dare Devil

Lisa: “I want to start a movement for adult ‘Double Dare.'”
Matt:  “They have that already. It’s called an orgy.”

IMG_4952Nature Lover

Matt: “I saw some squirrels either wrestling or doing a mating dance.
Lisa: “Did you watch it?”
Matt:  “No. If it was a mating dance I’d feel creepy.”

Keen Sense of Smell

Matt:  “Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt: “Oh god. Is that my fart I’m smelling? It’s horrible. It smells like dirty eggs.”

Non-judgmental Observer

Matt:  “Look at that couple. Couple of losers.”


Matt:  “All I ever asked was for you to accept me for who I am.”
Lisa:  “I thought you were going to go with ‘love you.'”
Matt:  <whispers and looks down> “I gave up on that long ago.”

IMG_5093D.A.R.E Advocate

Matt: “Meth: come for the weight loss stay for the tooth loss.”

Humble Guy

Matt: “No one is perfect. I have my faults.”
Lisa: “What are they?”
Matt: “I can’t think of any right now.”


Matt: “I don’t understand kids today with their MySpace and their complicated pants.”

Penny Pincher

Matt: “There’s two things I don’t pay for: sex and parking.”


Other places you can find me on the web this week

You can find me this week at NickMom talking about how preschools are just like wineries.

You can also buy the new book I’m in here.

11 Thoughts on “Funny crap my husband says: April 2014 edition

  1. sue anello on April 27, 2014 at 8:46 pm said:

    Oh my God. I’m cracking up

  2. Hilarious! My fave: “I don’t understand kids today with their MySpace and their complicated pants.”
    Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) just rambled about…Please Moms…Stop Working the Pole!My Profile

  3. I guess that’s why your married your guy — there’s nothing like spending the rest of your life with someone you love and who keeps you in stitches. Lucky girl!
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…The Slammy Awards (And Other Facts About Pro Wrestling That You Probably Didn’t Know)My Profile

  4. I bet he has a dead pan expression as these little gems trip of his tongue! My favourite comment has to be the Nature Lover one, closely followed by the PessimistIcomment.

    A fun post and I’m glad you shared it.
    Debbie just rambled about…What A Difference A Bicycle Ride Makes!My Profile

    • Sometimes he doesn’t realize he’s said something funny until after he’s said it. When he does realize it as he’s saying it, he has the biggest shit eating grin ever. I’m not sure which way I prefer, but both are pretty hilarious.

  5. Sara on May 4, 2014 at 6:28 am said:

    I’ve always heard “that smells like rotten eggs” but never DIRTY eggs, and that’s totally cracking me up. Now dirty eggs is my new favorite expression. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Your hubby is handsome and hilarious!! LOL
    Monica just rambled about…Gallbladder Surgery -Tips and HintsMy Profile

    • I agree he’s both handsome and hilarious! But don’t tell him. I like to keep his self esteem low so he won’t realize he could do better and leave me.

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