photo credit: idogcow via photopin cc

photo credit: idogcow via photopin cc

Anyone who has ever worked in a place where idiots have access to email knows the ridiculous emails sent  in a given day.

I’m often amazed that people take the time to type an email telling others the freezer is out of ice.

Granted, I’m usually the one who takes the last of the ice, so it’s no newsflash to me.

I despise the people who “reply all” and believe they’re the worst email offenders.  The especially heinous ones are those who respond to everyone with  “ha ha ha.”

From time to time my readers send me things.  It can be stories about their lives or comments on how they’ve had similar experiences.  (It can also be photos of cats in bathing suits.   I enjoy those the best.)

Recently I was made aware of an email sent to everyone in an office about a missing plant.  Yes.  A missing plant.

Since I don’t have the original email, I’ve decided to draft my own.  I’ve received a lot of idiotic emails over the years so I feel confident I can draft one similar to the original.

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Re:  Missing Plant

TO:  allstaff

From:  Trudy Photosynthesis

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Dear EVERYONE,

Stop what you’re doin’ cuz I’m about to ruin your day.  (Thank you Digital Underground for those inspiring words.  They’ve never rang more true.)

There’s no way to prepare you for the news I have, so I’m not going to beat around the bush.  <sob…sob…I wish I had a bush to beat around>

There’s been a kidnapping!  Or should I say a plantnapping.  Either way, a living, breathing, thing has been snatched away from his loving mom.

I’m talking about the large plant in my office.  It has been stolen.  Yes, stolen, or dare I say “Taken.”  I now know how Liam Neeson felt in those horrible movies.

missing plantI’m not sure who the culprits are but am launching a full investigation to find out.

Everyone will be questioned and no one is safe…just like my plant isn’t safe until he’s returned.

This isn’t something to just leaf alone.  <sob…sob…he has the most beautiful leaves>

If you want to come forward now and confess, allow this email to serve as my olive branch to you.  <sob…sob….I miss his branches.>

If you do not come forward, I will find you, and I will beat you with a stick.  Hopefully a stick from my plant…if he’s still alive.

I’m worried about his safety.  I can’t help but imagine the worst; him in a closet gasping for light and water.  The horror of it all!  (The Little Shop of Horrors)

How does this affect you?  It affects all of you.  He’s responsible for turning carbon dioxide into oxygen, so we all depend on him to breathe.  I will die if he’s not found.  Literally.  We will all die.  He’s really the lifeblood of this office.

drawn sunHe also needs to be returned by Friday, as he needs to take his medicine that day.  Miracle Grow is key to his functional development and I don’t want him falling behind the other plants in the building.

There is a growing need to find him.  <sob…sob…growing…>

I fear for his safety, mostly because there was no ransom note left.  I’m not sure what the plantnappers demands are so I don’t know how to proceed.

Are you looking for additional pens?  Multi-colored Post-its?  Name your price.  I have an extra stapler I’m willing to part with.  It’s designer brand so it’s a high value item.  It’s a Swingline.

There was no trail of dirt so we have no leads at this time.  Please remember he is a green fern, about 2 feet wide and 2 feet tall.

He is in a red pot, which makes his leaves pop and accentuates his roots nicely.

Please stop everything you’re doing and help me find this precious and delicate little flower.  (But he doesn’t actually have flowers.)  No one is safe until he’s found.  This should be your top priority

Urgently,

Trudy

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