Matt in seattleYou know him as the witty guy who makes you laugh with unintentionally funny comments.  I know him as the guy who’s always trying to touch my boobs.

Either way, he’s back for the April edition of more “funny crap my husband says when he’s not at all trying to be funny.”

The only thing that would make these posts better would be if you could see his face immediately after he drops these nuggets of wisdom.  It’s even funnier than the nuggets themselves.

Dare Devil

Lisa: “I want to start a movement for adult ‘Double Dare.'”
Matt:  “They have that already. It’s called an orgy.”

IMG_4952Nature Lover

Matt: “I saw some squirrels either wrestling or doing a mating dance.
Lisa: “Did you watch it?”
Matt:  “No. If it was a mating dance I’d feel creepy.”

Keen Sense of Smell

Matt:  “Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt: “Oh god. Is that my fart I’m smelling? It’s horrible. It smells like dirty eggs.”

Non-judgmental Observer

Matt:  “Look at that couple. Couple of losers.”

Pessimist

Matt:  “All I ever asked was for you to accept me for who I am.”
Lisa:  “I thought you were going to go with ‘love you.'”
Matt:  <whispers and looks down> “I gave up on that long ago.”

IMG_5093D.A.R.E Advocate

Matt: “Meth: come for the weight loss stay for the tooth loss.”

Humble Guy

Matt: “No one is perfect. I have my faults.”
Lisa: “What are they?”
Matt: “I can’t think of any right now.”

Hipster

Matt: “I don’t understand kids today with their MySpace and their complicated pants.”

Penny Pincher

Matt: “There’s two things I don’t pay for: sex and parking.”

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Other places you can find me on the web this week

You can find me this week at NickMom talking about how preschools are just like wineries.

You can also buy the new book I’m in here.

photo credit: idogcow via photopin cc

photo credit: idogcow via photopin cc

Anyone who has ever worked in a place where idiots have access to email knows the ridiculous emails sent  in a given day.

I’m often amazed that people take the time to type an email telling others the freezer is out of ice.

Granted, I’m usually the one who takes the last of the ice, so it’s no newsflash to me.

I despise the people who “reply all” and believe they’re the worst email offenders.  The especially heinous ones are those who respond to everyone with  “ha ha ha.”

From time to time my readers send me things.  It can be stories about their lives or comments on how they’ve had similar experiences.  (It can also be photos of cats in bathing suits.   I enjoy those the best.)

Recently I was made aware of an email sent to everyone in an office about a missing plant.  Yes.  A missing plant.

Since I don’t have the original email, I’ve decided to draft my own.  I’ve received a lot of idiotic emails over the years so I feel confident I can draft one similar to the original.

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Re:  Missing Plant

TO:  allstaff

From:  Trudy Photosynthesis

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Dear EVERYONE,

Stop what you’re doin’ cuz I’m about to ruin your day.  (Thank you Digital Underground for those inspiring words.  They’ve never rang more true.)

There’s no way to prepare you for the news I have, so I’m not going to beat around the bush.  <sob…sob…I wish I had a bush to beat around>

There’s been a kidnapping!  Or should I say a plantnapping.  Either way, a living, breathing, thing has been snatched away from his loving mom.

I’m talking about the large plant in my office.  It has been stolen.  Yes, stolen, or dare I say “Taken.”  I now know how Liam Neeson felt in those horrible movies.

missing plantI’m not sure who the culprits are but am launching a full investigation to find out.

Everyone will be questioned and no one is safe…just like my plant isn’t safe until he’s returned.

This isn’t something to just leaf alone.  <sob…sob…he has the most beautiful leaves>

If you want to come forward now and confess, allow this email to serve as my olive branch to you.  <sob…sob….I miss his branches.>

If you do not come forward, I will find you, and I will beat you with a stick.  Hopefully a stick from my plant…if he’s still alive.

I’m worried about his safety.  I can’t help but imagine the worst; him in a closet gasping for light and water.  The horror of it all!  (The Little Shop of Horrors)

How does this affect you?  It affects all of you.  He’s responsible for turning carbon dioxide into oxygen, so we all depend on him to breathe.  I will die if he’s not found.  Literally.  We will all die.  He’s really the lifeblood of this office.

drawn sunHe also needs to be returned by Friday, as he needs to take his medicine that day.  Miracle Grow is key to his functional development and I don’t want him falling behind the other plants in the building.

There is a growing need to find him.  <sob…sob…growing…>

I fear for his safety, mostly because there was no ransom note left.  I’m not sure what the plantnappers demands are so I don’t know how to proceed.

Are you looking for additional pens?  Multi-colored Post-its?  Name your price.  I have an extra stapler I’m willing to part with.  It’s designer brand so it’s a high value item.  It’s a Swingline.

There was no trail of dirt so we have no leads at this time.  Please remember he is a green fern, about 2 feet wide and 2 feet tall.

He is in a red pot, which makes his leaves pop and accentuates his roots nicely.

Please stop everything you’re doing and help me find this precious and delicate little flower.  (But he doesn’t actually have flowers.)  No one is safe until he’s found.  This should be your top priority

Urgently,

Trudy

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Wanna find me other places on the web this week?

Top 9 Ways Preschool is Like a Winery

WHY ARE THEY IN RED RAIN COATS?! photo credit: PNG's e etc... via photopin cc

WHY ARE THEY IN RED RAIN COATS?!
photo credit: PNG’s e etc… via photopin cc

I’ve got an addiction and it’s super embarrassing.  No, it’s not an addiction to Fro Yo.  You already know about that.  Plus, it’s written all over my hips.

I’m talking about a television show addiction.  Before I tell you about it, please don’t judge.  Please keep in mind I’ve been home sick and not able to do much, so I’ve turned to the only thing I can to keep me occupied:  Netflix.

I’ve tried other programming.  I really have.  I’ve watched “big girl” shows like “Scandal” and “House of Cards” but those were only the beginning…a gateway if you will.  And now?  Now it might be too late.

I’ve gone off the television deep end.  I can’t stop watching “Pretty Little Liars.”

I’ll give you a moment to let this news sink in.  It’s a bit of a bomb I’ve dropped and I’ll allow time for the dust to settle for you to continue on.  I realize I’m normally sophisticated and regal, which is what makes this especially difficult to absorb.

Believe me, no one is more shocked or embarrassed about this than me.  It’s not at all what I expected.  Maybe in retrospect the signs of addiction were there and I just missed them.

photo credit: paulaenamarie via photopin cc

photo credit: paulaenamarie via photopin cc

Maybe I should have known that an addiction to “Gossip Girl” would lead to other shows.  I don’t know.  Maybe I just didn’t want to see it.

I didn’t stumble upon this addiction without some help from my friend.  Or maybe she isn’t my friend at all.  Pajama Jeans (not her real name) has been trying to get me to watch this for years.  She’s such a pusher.

Just try it once and see if you like it,” she said.  Isn’t that always how they get you?  The first taste is free…or in this case, the whole meal is free because I subscribe to Netflix streaming.

photo credit: nordhofsweden via photopin cc

photo credit: nordhofsweden via photopin cc

Either way, here I am, in the middle of season 1 and wanting more.  I can’t get enough.

Before you judge me too much, remember that this is a show that’s on ABC Family.  You know, the channel that’s brought you other television greats like….well….nothing.

You’re probably wondering if the acting is good.  Not really.  You’re wondering if there are celebrities in it that make it worth while.  Not unless you count that C-list actor Chad Lowe, who hasn’t produced any good acting since he played Becca’s HIV positive boyfriend on “Life Goes On.

photo credit: PNG's e etc... via photopin cc

photo credit: PNG’s e etc… via photopin cc

Yes, I just worked that show into this post.

Maybe it’s the theme song that sucked me in.  It’s catchy and it sticks with me all day long (mostly because I hear it every 45 minutes when a new episode plays).

So judge me if you must, but I can’t help my addiction and I can’t turn back now.  I’ve got too much at stake and I don’t have any other shows to watch.  I’ve got to stick with it.  I need to stick with it.

But don’t even think about confronting me about addiction in public.  I won’t talk about it and I’ll deny the whole thing.  I don’t want to be associated with this ugly addiction.  I will lie, and I will lie convincingly.

Come to think of it, I guess this makes me a pretty little liar too.

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Wanna read more of my stuff?  I’m in these books.  They’re hilarious.

I Just Want to Be Alone

You’ve Got Lipstick on Your Teeth

I’m also on NickMom with these new pieces

What a Phrase Means in Your 20s Versus What it Means In Your 30s

Schedule for Flossing