Just want to be alone 3dAs many of you know, my husband is hilarious, even though most of the time it isn’t intentional.  Aside from making us all laugh with his insightful comments, he’s helped me become published in another book!

Believe it or not, I was selected by the amazingly wonderful Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat to be part of her newest book, “I Just Want to Be Alone,” which is a follow up to her successful “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

I know.  I can’t believe it either.

It’s a humor book about the men in our lives and the funnier parts of being in a relationship.

The good news is that although it comes out on March 22, 2014,  you can pre-order a copy now.

You can get the Kindle version or the paperback version, or both because you love me and want to have access to my musings wherever you go.

pay no attentionTo pre-order, go now and spend the best few bucks you’ll ever spend.  You’ll thank me for it.  I promise.

Kindle: click here

Paperback:  click here

*The links for Nook, iTunes, and Smashwords will be updated after the book is released on March 22nd.*

Who else is in the book?  Some awesomely funny ladies, many of whom I have blog crushes on.  Check them out!

And thank you to each of you.  I wouldn’t have the confidence to continue to write if you weren’t so supportive of me.

I love knowing I make you laugh and that means everything to me.

Here are the funny ladies!

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

Baby Sideburns

Moms Who Drink and Swear

AK Turner

Bad Parenting Moments

Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Diva

The Ugly Volvo

Let Me Start By Saying

Motherhood WTF?

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Frugalista Blog

Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw

Somewhat Sane Mom

My Life Suckers

The Mom of the Year

Hollow Tree Ventures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

Funny is Family

Abby Has Issues

Kissing the Frog

Nurse Mommy Laughs

Our Small Moments

I’m Still Learning

The Fordeville Diaries

You’re My Favorite Today

Life on Peanut Layne

Loripalooza

I Love Them the Most When They Are Sleeping

Ironic Mom

From Meredith to Mommy

The Nomad Mom Diary

649.133: Girls, the care and maintenance of

Keeper of the Fruit Loops

Magnolia Ripkin

 

My husband is sleeping with someone else.  I’ve tried to deny it but I can’t do it anymore. I can no longer turn a blind eye to him sharing our bed with another.  The object of his affections?

I can't deny her beauty.

I can’t deny her beauty.

His knee pillow.

Shady Jack loves her.

Shady Jack loves her.

Her name is Charlene.  Lovely name, isn’t it?  He refers to her as his knee pillow.  I refer to her as his whore.

Since he has bony knees, he says he needs her to keep them from knocking together while he sleeps,.  I’m not so sure if he really has this problem or if he just likes the way she feels.

She’s fluffy and snuggley and warm and I understand why she’s so appealing.  Hell, sometimes I sleep with her when Matt isn’t around.

Charlene is a slut that way.

I’m not sure when it began, but the hardest part of all of this is knowing I introduced them.  I brought her into our home and into our bed.  I just didn’t know at the time the ramifications of my actions.

I do now.

Sweet Max tolerates her (but didn't know his photo was being taken)

Sweet Max tolerates her (but didn’t know his photo was being taken)

And now I;m fearful he’s addicted to Charlene and will never leave her.  He claims she helps him sleep.  Isn’t that always the way addiction starts?  “Just this one time to help me sleep.”  Before I knew it he was using her several nights a week.

And now? Now he won’t go a single night without her.

Maybe I shouldn’t be worried.  Maybe I should let it be.  If he needs a knee pillow I should be okay with it.  After all, I need my linen spray and eye mask to sleep (sometimes served with a side of vodka).

Maybe I should learn to love Charlene.  She isn’t going anywhere anytime soon so maybe I should embrace her…literally.  She does make a good pillow.

I don’t know.  Maybe I should take some time to figure all of this out.  I think I’ll sleep on it…with Charlene, of course.

Bentley hates her.  Bentley hates everyone that threatens his mama.

Bentley hates her. Bentley hates everyone that threatens his mama.

the fat taxIt’s tax season once again.  Normally I like the change in seasons as it gives me an excuse to buy new clothes to keep with the trends*, but tax season is no such fun.

*SPOILER ALERT:  The trends are always Pajama Jeans.

Come to think of it, I still buy new clothes when tax season comes around.  I can’t be expected to look at W2s in last year’s sweatpants.

All this talk of taxes and deductions (and clothes purchases) got me thinking about my waistline and how I need to reduce that along with my adjusted gross income.  If only it was that easy.

Sure, I could eat healthier.  I could, but I won’t.  I’d like to tell you that I’m going to make a conscious effort to limit myself to only 3 Oreos per night, but I’d also like to not make myself into a liar.

photo credit: 401(K) 2013 via photopin cc

photo credit: 401(K) 2013 via photopin cc

I’d like to tell you that instead of potato chips, I’ll eat kale chips instead.  However, baked weeds don’t have the same flavor as fried potatoes, so I can’t tell you such a thing.

And yes, potatoes are vegetables.  I googled it.

Since I’m not willing to eat roughage and limit my intake of processed foods,  I figured maybe I would focus on exercise and going to the gym.  As many of you know, I used to be quite the gym-goer.

Once a week makes you a regular gym-goer, right?

photo credit: I like via photopin cc

photo credit: I like via photopin cc

From personal training to zumba classes, I used to take a more active role in…well…being active.  Lately?  Not so much.  Granted, I’ve had health issues that have prevented my from hitting the gym, but those issues haven’t affected me for the past 10 years in that way…I just don’t like to go and I’m not going to start now.

So what to do?  Nothing.  I’m going to do nothing.

Maybe my monthly gym membership is just a tax.  A fine I have to pay for being fat.

A part of me wants to concede my defeat and cancel the membership entirely.  It’s not like I’m walking around in a size 0 pair of sweats.  My double chin tells the world I see the inside of a potato chip bag much more than the inside of the gym.

photo credit: stephenvance via photopin cc

photo credit: stephenvance via photopin cc

And yet, my gym membership remains active…unlike me.

Instead of making the effort to go to the gym and cancel my membership (there’s steps, so it’s a workout just to go there), I’ve decided to call it my “fat tax” and leave it at that.

There are taxes on all sorts of things in our great nation and this is just going to be another one of those things.  People pay additional taxes on cigarettes and alcohol.  Why not pay a tax on being fat?

If it means I can sit at home, watch “The Bachelor” and not feel guilty about avoiding the gym, then I’m all for levying this tax against me.

Hopefully it comes with a complimentary bag of chips…and Oreos.

 

Signs it's time to clean your houseI recently fired our cleaning service.  I know, I’m impressed with myself too.  Who knew I would ever have a cleaning service?

When I was younger I WAS the cleaning service, which is all the more reason I never thought I would hire a cleaning service.

Either way, I decided to let them go.  I found myself cleaning up after them, which defeats the purpose entirely.  I already clean up after my husband and three dogs, so why throw another entity into the equation?

The problem with firing your cleaning service?  Someone has to do the cleaning.  Despite my wishes, they didn’t continue to come because they like me and my dogs.

In fact, I suspect I was charged extra because of those furry creatures.

Now that I don’t have a weekly service, I’ve started to notice some signs that my house needs to be cleaned.  Because I’m good to you, I thought I’d share with you some of those signs so you can know if you need to get that Roomba out and get your teenagers to cleaning.

  1. You start writing your grocery list on the kitchen table in dust

  2. It’s been so long since you cleaned that you forgot where you keep the products.

  3. You can no longer blame poor visibility out the windows on “just another foggy day”

  4. You’re able to make a snack from crumbs found in the couch cushions.

  5. You can’t remember what color the bathroom grout is supposed be, but you don’t think it’s gray

  6. Even the dog thinks the floor is too dirty to lay on.

  7. You’ve switched to paper plates to avoid emptying the dishwasher

  8. Your children name the dust bunnies and make them pets

If you have any of these signs, you probably need to clean your house.  If not, then you probably need to come to my house and get to cleaning.

Oh, and bring Lemon Pledge.

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Wanna see other places I’m on the web this week?  Here you go!

What Mom Says v. What Mom Means

Which of These Top 8 Kids’ Songs Is Most Annoying?

Warning Labels Every Board Game Should Come With

Top 9 Things I’ve Recently Dropped In The Toilet