Matt and Lisa with Empire state building in backgroundIt’s that time again. Time for another edition of “Funny crap my husband says.”

Once again, I’m amazed at the ridiculous things my husband says, although I’m more amazed that he never realizes it’s ridiculous until after I point it out.

Here they are.  Enjoy.  And remember that I’m the lucky one who gets to be married to this guy.

You = jealous.

Altruism

Matt:  “Are you coming to the potluck?  I told them we’d bring a ham.”

Lisa:  “You volunteered me to make a ham?!  I don’t have time to do that.”

Matt:  “Oh, then you shouldn’t come.  People are going to be pissed when they realize you didn’t make a ham.”

001 - CopyFoodie

Matt:  “Do you know what’s in falafel?”

Lisa:  “Yes.  They’re delicious.”

Matt:  “I had no idea they were fried chick peas.”

Lisa:  “What did you think falafel was?”

Matt:  “I thought it was a waffely sandwich.  Come to think of it, that also sounds delicious.”

Medical mystery

Matt:  “I have a weird thing on the top of my mouth.”

Lisa:  “What is it?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  That’s why I called it a ‘weird thing’ and not a ‘such and such.'”

086Patriot

Flight attendant:  “Let’s give our military on the plane a round of applause for all they do.”

<applause>

Matt:  “I clapped longer than anyone else.  That means I care more about the troops than everyone else.  Obvy.”

Romantic

Lisa:  “Didn’t we say ‘with this ring I thee wed?'”

Matt:  “I don’t know.” <whispers> “I was lost in your eyes.”

Copyright Maggie Stolzberg 2010.  Used with permission. www.maggiestolzberg.com

Copyright Maggie Stolzberg 2010. Used with permission.
www.maggiestolzberg.com

IMG_0001

At the Ritz in West Palm beach

Based on the title of this post, you are probably thinking I’m going to talk about Christina Aguilera’s song “Survivor” in this post.  Unfortunately, that is not the case, although I would encourage you to hum that song while you read.

Seriously.  Hum it.

As some of you may know, I’m struggling with some medical issues.  It’s not something I’ve discussed with many people, nor do I intend to.  Although most of my life is an open book, this is one of the few things I want to keep private, and I appreciate people supporting my wishes.

I’m off work for treatment and although it’s a bit early to tell if it’s working, I am confident it will.

With that said, the point of this post isn’t to talk about me, but to encourage all of you to do a few things .(One of those is obviously to hum Christina Aguilera tunes, but you should already be doing that).

First, I encourage you to know your family health history.  Many medical conditions are either genetic or conditions that run in families.  Because of this it’s important to know the medical histories of your parents, grandparents, etc., if at all possible.

My favorite spa in the world!  The Eau Spa at the Ritz Carlton in West Palm Beach, Florida.  This is my happy place.

My favorite spa in the world! The Eau Spa at the Ritz Carlton in West Palm Beach, Florida. This is my happy place.

Knowing these things can make you more aware of predispositions you may have to things, and ultimately, could save your life.

Second, I encourage you to embrace and appreciate those around you.  Okay, maybe don’t physically embrace them, as the cashier at the checkout might not find your hug quite as endearing as you would like.  You might find your way to an assault charge if you take this advice literally.

Rather, simply appreciate those around you.  Yes, it’s cold and the snow can be a pain, but it’s also beautiful and provides a brightness that is otherwise missing during the winter months.  Yes, work can be difficult but it also provides a paycheck to allow you to live your life.

Not only should you appreciate those little things around you, but appreciate your loved ones as well.  I can say from my recent experiences that my family and close friends have been invaluable to me.  Every now and then stop and take stock of your life and all the amazing people you have in it.

The women's jacuzzi room at the Eau Spa.  The shower changes colors and the lounge chairs are heated stone that contour to your body.

The women’s jacuzzi room at the Eau Spa. The shower changes colors and the lounge chairs are heated stone that contour to your body.

I’ve never been so grateful for my husband as I have been these past few months.  I’ve realized some of the friends I have are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I’m not sure I would have come to that conclusion until now, and I’m grateful this has made me aware of it.

Although I’m certainly upset with my diagnosis, among other things, it’s shown me  how many amazing people I have in my life.  It’s sad that something had to happen to demonstrate that to me, but I’m glad I’ve had that realization.

I’m hoping to impart that to you.  Don’t wait for something bad to come into your life.  Tell the people who matter how much they mean to you.  They need to know, and you need to realize just how much amazing people can impact your life.

I will get through this time and emerge a stronger woman on the other side.  I’m confident of that, but only because I have such an amazing group of people supporting me.

My father had a brain tumor several years ago.  The doctors weren’t hopeful but operated anyway, as they had nothing to lose.  Fortunately, my father survived and has been cancer-free for 25 years.

I have no idea how my dad fought through that, especially with the added stress of being self-employed and having a wife and children to support.  I also have no idea how my mom made it through that time.  Both of them are stronger than I will ever be.

My feet in one of the reflection pools

My feet in one of the reflection pools

With that said, I know I can do this.  If my parents could get through such a grim diagnosis, I can certainly deal with mine and move forward with my life.  So can you.  So can anyone.

I truly believe the positive attitude they have is part of what led to his successful treatment.  The love and support of others was also a big component as well.

A few years ago, his only sibling was diagnosed with cancer as well.  She also went through successful treatment and is still the amazing woman she was before her diagnosis.

I tell you these stories not only to demonstrate how awesome my family is, but for two reasons.  First, to demonstrate how important knowledge of your family medical history can be.

I'm thankful for the beach.  It's truly where I'm the happiest.

I’m thankful for the beach. It’s truly where I’m the happiest.

Both siblings had a cancer diagnosis, which is certainly telling that it can run in the family.  Sure, this could be a coincidence, but based upon other family history, I suspect it is not.

Second, this story demonstrates the importance of enjoying each moment and cherishing those around you.  We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, and all we can do is live for today.  Enjoy every possible moment with your loved ones.

Enjoy your pets, the taste of a good dinner and the fresh air outside.  Soak in every wonderful moment of life, as you never know what the future could bring.

I’m grateful for my husband.  He’s been the most amazing and understanding person and I couldn’t go through this without him.  I’m thankful for my family, who knows and understands what I’m going through, and is always there to support me.

I’m grateful for my friends.  Although only those closest to me know my struggles, I’m overwhelmed with the support they’ve shown.  My dearest friends show support and love everyday, from going with me for frozen yogurt to just sitting with me when I need that.

lisa at beach

Life really is a beach…especially if you’re on one!

I’m grateful for my dogs, as they have been the best snuggle buddies a girl could ever ask for.  I’m grateful for my employer, who has been nothing short of amazing with me taking time off.

I’m also thankful for each of you.  Knowing you enjoy reading what I write is so rewarding.  There’s nothing better than when someone tells me my writing made their day.  If you’ve ever done that, allow me to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe this random post is just to encourage you to enjoy your life, pay attention to those people and things that matter, and forget the rest.  Life is too short to get caught up in trivial things that don’t matter.  It’s not worth your time or your energy.

I’d like to think that when I pass, my eulogy won’t be about how I was a lawyer, worked hard, and made a good life for myself.  I’d like to think it will be about how I lived my life for every moment and how I saw the humor in situations.

I’m taking that advice now, and will move forward with smiles and laughter.  Fortunately, I have amazing people who will help make that happen.  I encourage all of you to do the same.

Now go download Christina Aguilera.

I'm a survivor

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin cc

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin cc

I just finished watching the entire series of “Breaking Bad.”  Coincidentally, I also began my life-long love of all things that are Aaron Paul.

The two are most definitely related.

Aaron Paul plays one of the main “Breaking Bad” characters, Jesse Pinkman.  Jesse is an aimless druggie who can’t find his way to anything other than a one-hitter box.  Although, I’m sure he could find himself to another kind of box..if you know what I’m saying. <wink wink.>

Yes, that was a crass joke.  I’m writing a post about why a guy who plays a drug dealer is an ideal boyfriend.  I’m not sure why you’d be surprised with a little play on the word “box.”

With every season of “Breaking Bad,” my love for Aaron Paul grew.  The show was amazing and brilliant, as were the double entendres I made during each episode.  Some of those were just downright fantastic.

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin <a

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin <a

What drew me back to the show each time was not only the plot twists, but the amazingly attractive meth-cook, Jesse Pinkman (played by Aaron Paul).

What is it about him that makes him so dreamy? It’s not just that he’s extremely good looking.  That helps, although that’s not the only reason I’d buy whatever Aaron was selling…even if it was blue crystal meth.

It’s that he has so many other qualities that make him so appealing.

He plays a bad boy, which isn’t something I’m normally into, but I found myself wanting to be bad just because it felt so good.

For those reasons, I made a list of why Aaron Paul would be the perfect boyfriend.  One glance at him tells you he’s crazy good looking, so that’s not even going to make the list of reasons he’s perfect.  Duh.  That’s too obvious.

1.  He’s supportive

http://instagram.com/p/etMqL9uIDT/

http://instagram.com/p/etMqL9uIDT/

There are so many times over the years he has yelled out “Yeah, bitch!”  In fact, when the show won the Golden Globe in 2014 for Best Drama, he accepted the award by yelling this endearing phrase.

What better way to support someone than to yell “Yeah bitch!” when they do something great?

Empty the dishwasher?  “Yeah bitch!

Get a promotion?  “Yeah bitch!

Want to order pizza for dinner instead of cooking?  “Yeah bitch!

Are you sensing a theme?  You should.  It’s support.

2.  He’s a good cook

is the perfect boyfriendI can’t say this for sure, but the meth addicts seem to think he makes good $hit, and I hear they’re pretty picky when it comes to their smack.

He’s also meticulous about having his cooking utensils cleaned properly, which is good, as mama likes a clean kitchen.

I’m not sure if his specialty is just moon juice, or if  he has other signature dishes, but I’d be willing to find out.

That guy knows his way around a kitchen, and by “kitchen” I mean “my lady parts.”

I’d let him heat things up any day.

3.  He’s good with kids

Aaron Paul with baby

http://youtu.be/Hq-gl0N3kxY

Look at how happy he is with this kid…and it’s a kid he doesn’t even know!  I can only imagine how he would nuzzle a kid when it was his own.  (I can also imagine how he would nuzzle me to make that kid.  I imagine that a lot.)

Not only does he seem comfortable around the kid, the kid seems comfortable around him as well. The kid is practically burying itself into his face.

Actually, I would do the same thing. That beard is just asking for nuzzling.

I’ve never wanted kids but I’d be willing to have them if they were with Aaron Paul.  I think we would have to start trying immediately. We’d practice a lot.

4.  He looks good in a uniform

photo credit: InstantColor via photopin cc

photo credit: InstantColor via photopin cc

Everyone loves a man in uniform, and once again, Aaron Paul delivers.

No one wears a haz-mat suit quite like he does.  Look at the way that yellow makes his face glisten.  He’s positively radiant.

And what else?  HE’S HOLDING A DIFFERENT FRICKING BABY!  (See #3 above for why that’s so awesome).

I never thought haz-mat suits were sexy until Aaron Paul came along.  Why would I?  How many times do you look at your local sewer worker knee-high in waste and think “I’d like to rip that suit off of him and get him really dirty.”

Hopefully not often, but if you do, I’m not here to judge.

Now, however, I see that yellow haz-mat suit in a whole new light…and it’s not just light from the radioactive materials.

5.  He smells really good

photo credit: gdcgraphics via photopin cc

photo credit: gdcgraphics via photopin cc

Okay, I don’t know about this one, but I’d love to find out personally.  (HINT: Aaron Paul….let me sniff you.)  He just looks like someone who would smell good.  Right?

I imagine he smells like a forest on a spring day, with just the right mix of pine needles, musk, and Axe body spray.  I’ve tried to recreate the smell with car air fresheners, but I haven’t been able to get it just right.

Maybe I should get the air fresheners from Walt’s car wash.  They probably have a Pinkman scent.  I bet it would be in the shape of a beaker.

I could go on with more reasons why Aaron Paul would be the best boyfriend ever, but I don’t want to convince any of you to go after him.  He’s mine, so hands off.

And what about the fact I’m already married?  No worries.  Matt is cool with my relationship with Aaron Paul, as he knows love knows no bounds (or in the case, it knows nothing based in reality).

Pssst!  Aaron!  Call me.

This has nothing to do with my post.  I just think this photo is hilarious. http://www.flickr.com/photos/eulothg/8335096827/

This has nothing to do with my post. I just think this photo is hilarious.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eulothg/8335096827/

It’s the new year, peeps!  That means it’s time for resolutions.  It also means I write the wrong year on everything for at least the first 2 months.

Whatever.  You take the good with the bad…or at least that’s what The Facts of Life taught us. (It also taught us that Jo was a trouble maker solely because she wore a leather jacket.)

Even though it’s a new year, I’m not making resolutions.  Instead, I’m going to continue writing funny crap all over the web.  (Emphasis on “crap.”)

I have 2 posts you need to check out immediately, but only if you want to laugh.

The first one is a list of phrases to get your husband to do that home project.  These are guaranteed to work.  For reals.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/phrases-that-will-get-your-husband-to-do-that-house-project/?xid=lisanewlin

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The second one is a list of the top 9 things I learned from John Hughes films.  It’s awesome and there’s a photo of Molly Ringwald so you know it’s legit.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/things-i-learned-from-john-hughes-movies/?xid=lisanewlin

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Enjoy them both and happy new year!  I hope to blog more in 2014, so hopefully I will continue to entertain you for another year.  If not, you can just make fun of me.

Either way, laughter shall ensue!