-I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause-I’ve never been big into Christmas at all, so Christmas songs are just not my jam.

Fortunately, I’m using this post as an excuse to feature photos of random dogs in Santa gear.  That is totally my jam.

It’s not that I hate Christmas, it’s just that I don’t feel the Christmas spirit people talk about, unless that Christmas spirit is feeling drunk.  Then I totally get that feeling.  I get that year-round.

Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts, so please don’t interpret my lack of enthusiasm as a suggestion you don’t need to give me a gift.

Quite the contrary. I need gifts to cheer me up around the holidays because Lord knows the Christmas songs don’t do it.

The other day I was somewhere unwillingly being subjected to Christmas cheer when I heard the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”  I’ve found that song annoying for decades but I’ve never really stopped to think about the lyrics.

They’re creepy.  It’s just a super creepy song.

photo credit: Doxieone via photopin cc

photo credit: Doxieone via photopin cc

You already know it’s a song about a kid spying on his mom while she’s dry humping Santa, but I’m going to take it that extra step and break it down for you line-by-line. Don’t worry, I’m going to add my commentary and the questions I have for the kid.

Okay, so he doesn’t technically say he sees them dry humping, but we all know the score.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.”

—-you saw your mom kissing a mythical creature and all you thought to do was write lyrics to a lame song? You didn’t try to snap a photo with your iPhone or use the nanny-camera to record it?  You wrote a song?  Really?

Someone has been watching a little too much Glee.

How do you know it was Santa that your mom was kissing? Lets not jump to conclusions that Santa is stepping out on Mrs. Claus.  Do you have any solid evidence to support the assertion?  Of course you don’t.  You were too lazy to even  SnapChat a picture of this alleged embrace.

Let’s not give Santa the stigma of being a ladies man unless you can back it up with a poorly recorded video.

photo credit: DaPuglet via photopin cc

photo credit: DaPuglet via photopin cc

As for your mom…well…it’s not that shocking that she was caught getting a little naughty during the holidays.  Let’s just say this isn’t her first go-around under the mistletoe.

Which begs the next question. How the hell do you know what a mistletoe looks like? How old are you?!

I’m in my 30s and I’m not sure I could identify a mistletoe, yet you spotted one with your laser vision from across the room?

You’re a weird kid.

She didn’t see me creep
down the stairs to have a peep

—creep is right. You’re a creepy kid who is most definitely going to turn into a peeping Tom.  Given this behavior at such a young age, I’m confident you’re going to grow up to be one of those men who wears garter belts under his work pants and complains that your cats don’t tell you enough that you’re pretty.

Stop creeping on your mom and go back to bed.

photo credit: jdlasica via photopin cc

photo credit: jdlasica via photopin cc

She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.”

—that’s where you should be, you spoiled little brat. Don’t you understand what bedtime means? It doesn’t mean “spy on your mom.”

It means you secretly go online and watch episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and look for shots of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s belly button.  That’s what normal boys do!

Why do you have to bother your mom while she’s in the throes of passion?  She’s just trying to get her grove back after shooting out a bunch of kids who don’t know how to follow some simple fricking directions and go to bed when they’re told to.

Maybe Mama wants some “bedtime” of her own. Ever think of that, creeper?

photo credit: AndrewC75 via photopin cc

photo credit: AndrewC75 via photopin cc

Maybe if you weren’t hyped up on energy drinks you wouldn’t have the jitters and could go to bed like a normal human being.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus”

—yeah…tickle. That’s what you saw. Just an innocent game of “tickle.” Totally.

Underneath his beard so snowy white”

—I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say “underneath his beard” but whatever it is, it’s probably nothing someone your age needs to see.

If by “beard” you mean pants, them yeah, she was probably tickling him real nice-like under his “beard.”

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”

photo credit: komehachi888 via photopin cc

photo credit: komehachi888 via photopin cc

—yeah. Daddy finds infidelity hysterical, especially when it’s done in the house he works 70 hours a week to pay for. It’s a real laugh out-loud moment, especially when Daddy finds an extra “beard” balled up on the floor next to the Christmas tree.

Had Daddy seen what was going on, he wouldn’t have gotten a laugh. What he would have gotten was his 12 gauge shotgun and given Santa 10 seconds to put his “beard” back on and leave the premises before the “Stand your ground” rule was enforced.

Daddy is not a fan of gun control…or of mommy whoring it up.

I wish there were more verses to this jolly tune, but the kid who wrote it probably had ADD and moved his focus away from his slut-bag mom and onto the shape of his thumbnail.

Had he not been sidetracked, I suspect the next verse would be about seeing Daddy bitch-slap Mommy and pistol whip Santa Claus.

Somehow, that’s just not as catchy as the original lyrics.

DISCLAIMER:  Yes, I know the song is supposed to suggest that she was really kissing his dad.  I’m not an idiot.  I just like to believe Mommy is getting a little on the side.  

21 Thoughts on ““I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is really just a song about a creepy kid

  1. “I’m confident you’re going to grow up to be one of those men who wears garter belts under his work pants and complains that your cats don’t tell you enough that you’re pretty.” This line? I’m going to have to steal this and say I wrote it. Because it is sheer genius. Every word.
    Julie the Wife just rambled about…Noodles & Co Drunk DialingMy Profile

  2. ROTFLMAO. I hate that song, but now– kinda love it!
    Julie DeNeen just rambled about…A Christmas Dollhouse UpdateMy Profile

  3. Okay, so I gotta admit, I scanned this post and looked at the cute dog pictures before my brain could actually process words. Anyway, it made me laugh….I have been going out of my way to totally avoid all Christmas music this year, and I almost made it except I got locked in the stall at work…..Just don’t ask….and you guessed it Christmas music. So, what did I do…I tried to drowned it out with the Indigo Girls playlist I have on my phone.
    tam just rambled about…Home for ChristmasMy Profile

  4. Hahaha, you’re stupit!

    I’m going to Google images of Michelle Gellar’s belly button tonight, so thanks for that. I don’t know who she is; is that a bad thing?

    I was driving the boys home yesterday and a song came on about some kid buying shoes for his mom who was apparently going to die really soon. What the hell is that kid doing in the store by himself not knowing he doesn’t have enough money for the shoes? Is he too young to count money? If yes, then he shouldn’t be in the store alone I’m sure. Is he just stupid? Ugh, why is that even a Christmas song?!! Ok, thanks.
    donofalltrades just rambled about…Christmas lights and other crap…yeah, it’s one of my pointless posts…My Profile

    • That’s a Christmas song?! A song about a kid buying shoes for his dying mom?!

      Doesn’t he know his mom doesn’t need shoes…she’s dying! And you’re right…who lets that kid go in there with money? Does he even know which shoes to buy? I guarantee homeboy doesn’t have a frequent shopper card.

      More importantly, what’s the name of that song and why were you letting your boys listen to it? If your wife gets a pair of shoes from one of your boys then you know there’s trouble.

  5. Oh this video is awful, but here’s the song. Merry Christmas!

    http://youtu.be/MpkI7GW2V34
    Don just rambled about…Christmas lights and other crap…yeah, it’s one of my pointless posts…My Profile

  6. Oh my goodness- I am cracking up. I don’t know why but the line “You’re a weird kid.” just made me burst out laughing. This is all so true. Creep!
    Kate just rambled about…Five Categories of Yankee Swap GiftingMy Profile

  7. Girl, PREACH. I’ve been meaning to write about that song for ages, but you nailed it.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 just rambled about…Oh, hi. I’M OLD.My Profile

  8. Lol. This is all so funny and very true. I also wish there were other lines so that you could have dissected them and caused me to roll on the floor even more.

  9. I swear I’ve seen or heard some version about mommy getting it on with a female Santa Claus somewhere. I could be wrong though. If not, that would be funny. Mommy plays for the same team! Bwahaha. Seriously though, this is genius! Who knew mommy got around with fat old guys?
    Kim just rambled about…Guest Post: 8 Favorite Sonoma Area WineriesMy Profile

  10. Leeanne on January 8, 2014 at 2:33 pm said:

    I hated that song when I was a kid because i thought the mom was having an afair with Santa…really…It wasn’t until I had children that I realized what it meant. My husband at the time dressed up as Santa to surprise our two kids. I was so excited, I kissed him and that’s when I realized that the kid in the song saw his mom kissing his dad who was wearing a Santa suit. :S

    • I didn’t realize it until I was older too. I just thought mommy was a big of a hoe-bag. I didn’t mind, it’s just what I thought. In a way, I guess it taught me to be more accepting. It looks like we all learned a thing or two from that song.

  11. Lisa Newlin on March 25, 2016 at 7:30 pm said:

    Hahaha

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