Fortunately, I’m using this post as an excuse to feature photos of random dogs in Santa gear. That is totally my jam.
It’s not that I hate Christmas, it’s just that I don’t feel the Christmas spirit people talk about, unless that Christmas spirit is feeling drunk. Then I totally get that feeling. I get that year-round.
Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts, so please don’t interpret my lack of enthusiasm as a suggestion you don’t need to give me a gift.
Quite the contrary. I need gifts to cheer me up around the holidays because Lord knows the Christmas songs don’t do it.
The other day I was somewhere unwillingly being subjected to Christmas cheer when I heard the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I’ve found that song annoying for decades but I’ve never really stopped to think about the lyrics.
They’re creepy. It’s just a super creepy song.
You already know it’s a song about a kid spying on his mom while she’s dry humping Santa, but I’m going to take it that extra step and break it down for you line-by-line. Don’t worry, I’m going to add my commentary and the questions I have for the kid.
Okay, so he doesn’t technically say he sees them dry humping, but we all know the score.
“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.”
—-you saw your mom kissing a mythical creature and all you thought to do was write lyrics to a lame song? You didn’t try to snap a photo with your iPhone or use the nanny-camera to record it? You wrote a song? Really?
Someone has been watching a little too much Glee.
How do you know it was Santa that your mom was kissing? Lets not jump to conclusions that Santa is stepping out on Mrs. Claus. Do you have any solid evidence to support the assertion? Of course you don’t. You were too lazy to even SnapChat a picture of this alleged embrace.
Let’s not give Santa the stigma of being a ladies man unless you can back it up with a poorly recorded video.
As for your mom…well…it’s not that shocking that she was caught getting a little naughty during the holidays. Let’s just say this isn’t her first go-around under the mistletoe.
Which begs the next question. How the hell do you know what a mistletoe looks like? How old are you?!
I’m in my 30s and I’m not sure I could identify a mistletoe, yet you spotted one with your laser vision from across the room?
You’re a weird kid.
“She didn’t see me creep
down the stairs to have a peep”
—creep is right. You’re a creepy kid who is most definitely going to turn into a peeping Tom. Given this behavior at such a young age, I’m confident you’re going to grow up to be one of those men who wears garter belts under his work pants and complains that your cats don’t tell you enough that you’re pretty.
Stop creeping on your mom and go back to bed.
“She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.”
—that’s where you should be, you spoiled little brat. Don’t you understand what bedtime means? It doesn’t mean “spy on your mom.”
It means you secretly go online and watch episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and look for shots of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s belly button. That’s what normal boys do!
Why do you have to bother your mom while she’s in the throes of passion? She’s just trying to get her grove back after shooting out a bunch of kids who don’t know how to follow some simple fricking directions and go to bed when they’re told to.
Maybe Mama wants some “bedtime” of her own. Ever think of that, creeper?
Maybe if you weren’t hyped up on energy drinks you wouldn’t have the jitters and could go to bed like a normal human being.
“Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus”
—yeah…tickle. That’s what you saw. Just an innocent game of “tickle.” Totally.
“Underneath his beard so snowy white”
—I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say “underneath his beard” but whatever it is, it’s probably nothing someone your age needs to see.
If by “beard” you mean pants, them yeah, she was probably tickling him real nice-like under his “beard.”
“Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”
—yeah. Daddy finds infidelity hysterical, especially when it’s done in the house he works 70 hours a week to pay for. It’s a real laugh out-loud moment, especially when Daddy finds an extra “beard” balled up on the floor next to the Christmas tree.
Had Daddy seen what was going on, he wouldn’t have gotten a laugh. What he would have gotten was his 12 gauge shotgun and given Santa 10 seconds to put his “beard” back on and leave the premises before the “Stand your ground” rule was enforced.
Daddy is not a fan of gun control…or of mommy whoring it up.
I wish there were more verses to this jolly tune, but the kid who wrote it probably had ADD and moved his focus away from his slut-bag mom and onto the shape of his thumbnail.
Had he not been sidetracked, I suspect the next verse would be about seeing Daddy bitch-slap Mommy and pistol whip Santa Claus.
Somehow, that’s just not as catchy as the original lyrics.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know the song is supposed to suggest that she was really kissing his dad. I’m not an idiot. I just like to believe Mommy is getting a little on the side.