the (1)It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  Actually, that’s totally not true.  The most wonderful time of the year is summer, when it’s 100 degrees and I’m sporting a glowing tan (and a margarita).

I’m not sure why people think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but I’ll go with it.  It’s an excuse to go to a bunch of holiday parties and stuff copious amounts of desserts from the buffet in my purse.

Don’t think I also don’t do that with liquor.  I totally do.  A flask works nicely to accomplish that task and it’s unassuming when shoved inside your coat pocket.

How did I learn this trick?  My parents.  Duh.  You recall what I found in their pantry.  If you don’t, please read about it.  I’m still chuckling.

Anywhoo…

I know you’ve been fretting about the holidays and what you should buy your favorite blogger.

Me, a-hole.  I’m talking about me.

Because I’m so selfless, I’m going to tell you all the things you should buy me.  I’m  so caring like that.

photo credit: Daniel*1977 via photopin cc

photo credit: Daniel*1977 via photopin cc

Before I give you my list, you’re probably wondering what I’m going to give you in return.

Um, this blog isn’t enough?  A few times a week I write random posts about absolutely nothing.  Isn’t that enough?

It should be.

Without further babbling, here’s a few things I’m demanding requesting for Christmas.  Note:  You don’t have to get just one thing.

Go crazy and get the whole list. The joy it will bring me will be worth it.

A book deal

Lipstick_Co-Author

Okay, so I’m IN this book, but I want a book all to myself! But seriously. You should still buy this one.

Yeah, I’m shocked I don’t have a book deal either.  It isn’t for lack of trying.  I’ve been writing sub-par content for two years now.  You’d think publishers and book agents would be knocking down my door.

If book agents and publishers are pretending to be people putting Chinese take-out menus on my door, then they’re definitely knocking down my door. Otherwise, not so much.

Pajama work pants

Why can’t I dress up yet still be comfortable?  They’ve somehow managed to do this with jeans yet I can’t get a pair of wool blend pants that don’t dig into my belly button?

Someone needs to make that happen.  That someone is you.

Vodka

This is a no-brainer and I’m sure you’ve already purchased this for me.  Good work.  Now go buy another bottle for me.  You know one won’t be enough.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups eggs

Yeah, it’s Christmas.  I know, but that’s why I want these eggs so badly.

A sweater for Jerry and his Gangsta Gnome Boyz

gangstas in the snowAs you know, I have a gang of gnomes protecting my house and running illegal activities from behind my hydrangia bushes.  It’s the middle of winter now and those thugs are cold.

Jerry, the head gangsta, told me he’d like a hand-knitted sweater for him and his boyz.  Even though they’re dealing hot merchandise, they still get cold at night.

Wow.  I just asked for something that wasn’t even for me.  I’m so thoughtful.  This is yet another reason you should get me everything I want on my list.

What are you waiting for? Get on it.

Until then, I will continue to entertain you with my antics.  Isn’t that the best gift of all?

 

29 Thoughts on “My 2013 Christmas List

  1. I was going to get you a new silk robe… 😉
    Stacia just rambled about…Farewell Blogger Idol, we’ve had a good runMy Profile

  2. I’ll bring a few huge bottles of vodka and a couple 64 ounce bottles of cranberry juice so we can get shitfaced together. Deal?
    Kim just rambled about…On Vacation…Sort of. Time for a Blogging BreakMy Profile

  3. What about Spanx? You forgot to put those on your list. Spanx are what brought me here and keep me coming back. *cackles*

    Merry Christmas Lisa!
    Monica just rambled about…Well, well, well.My Profile

    • I love that my Spanx post is what reeled you in and I love even more that you continue to come back for more. Thank you!

      However, I wouldn’t want another pair of those torture tights for anything in the world!

      I really think those are the work of the devil…or at least a man.

  4. Ohh pajama work pants would be so nice. I want to be curled up right now and cozy!
    Kate just rambled about…Sunday CurrentlyMy Profile

  5. I want pajama work pants. I’m sure they have them somewhere. I say we try Walmart first.
    Michelle @ Scattered Wrecks just rambled about…Egg Nog Induced RantsMy Profile

  6. Your list sounds quite reasonable to me. I would only add diamonds and cash to make it perfect. In the meantime, I’m bringing the Vodka.
    A Pleasant House just rambled about…My Twelve Days of ChristmasMy Profile

  7. Bling a ling on December 16, 2013 at 6:52 pm said:

    Dillard’s has great pants. Westport is the brand. Not expensive either. Love em.

  8. Christmas is my favorite Christ-based food holiday but Easter certainly gives it a run for its money because of those Reese’s eggs. It’s the perfect ratio of chocolate to peanut butter. Regular peanut butter cups are great but it’s not quite right. There’s always that thicker edge that throws off the balance.
    Brian just rambled about…The Shaggs – Raised on the RadioMy Profile

    • No one else understands my love of the Reese’s Easter Egg. You’ve explained it perfectly. It has the perfect ration of peanut butter to chocolate. The regular ones have so much more chocolate and not enough of the powdered peanut butter.

      I much prefer a thinner shell of chocolate.

      With every post, you reaffirm why I love you.

      • I just came across your blog and love it. And I am a chocoholic that just finished my last Reese’s Peanut Butter Tree. Next up will be the Valentine’s Heart, the Easter Egg and the Halloween Pumpkin. Do you not get these extras in your neck of the woods? Heartburn city, but worth every bite.

        • WHAT?! There are other Reese’s Peanut Butter shapes other than the Easter Egg?! How do I not know about those? I don’t get any of them but the Easter Egg, although I’ve seen the trees, just not very often. How is St. Louis not getting these?! I need to talk to someone about this ASAP.

          I’m glad you came across my blog! Hopefully it will continue to give you a laugh or too. I really appreciate you reading and commenting. I raise my Reese’s to you!

  9. I’d take the book deal. And the pajama work pants…

    My daughter wrote her own Christmas list. I couldn’t decipher a couple of the things on it, but after careful work from one of my readers, I found out that “AMV8” is a kind of Aston Martin. I’m going to have my hands full with this one! I got sewage for Christmas. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving…
    Sarah Almond just rambled about…Twisted Mixtape Tuesday: The COLD mixMy Profile

    • An AMV8?! I didn’t know what that was either. Your daughter clearly has more expensive taste than both of us!

      Do you know what would be funny? To get her a little model car of the AMV8? Point out that her list didn’t specify a size.

  10. We should all support entrepreneurs, especially minorities such as gnomes. Get those poor guys a sweater!

    Love your list, thanks for sharing!
    Melissa @ Home on Deranged just rambled about…Chasing Rabbits: What I REALLY want for Christmas, aka true tales of a video game kidMy Profile

  11. Just when I think I can’t love you more, and then you post things like this. I’m buying all of these things for you, and then sampling them in the comfort of my home and writing to tell you how wonderful they are, and how it is notable as a great my display of love and friendship to you. I’m a giver. Merry Christmas.
    Julie the Wife just rambled about…I Punched Bill Gates (and broke his glasses)My Profile

  12. HAHA! Your list is amazing, and a magarita sounds amazing right now. But now I just want chips and salsa….someone give this lady her freaking book deal!!
    Rebeccafaith just rambled about…Daycare Induced HeadacheMy Profile

    • After reading your comment, now I’m hungry for chips and salsa and all I want is a margarita.

      Who am I kidding? I’ve already had a margarita today!

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂 Happy holidays to you!

  13. You shall get a lump of coal in your stocking and LIKE IT. Fresh girl.
    Merry Christmas! ♥
    Kathy Shea Mormino, The Chicken Chick just rambled about…Flock Focus Friday, 12/20/13My Profile

  14. Pajama pants are a given! My family can get me those anytime. Or yoga pants. I would take anything on your list too, but sadly I don’t have a garden gnome. I have a garden bunny though. Maybe I should get him a sweater?
    Michelle just rambled about…2013 Top Posts: A Few SurprisesMy Profile

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