Why moms can find lost thingsFor some reason, men can’t seem to find things. Maybe it’s because they’re usually focused on other things; like what’s in their pants…or getting into yours.

Whatever the reason, my experience with men and locating items is they can’t seem to do it without my help.

Am I just a really good finder of missing items?  Probably, although I often lose my dignity at karaoke bars and have trouble locating it.  (It’s not at the bottom of five glasses of vodka.  That’s always the first place I check.)

Maybe I’m just overly talented at finding things and that’s why I’m often summoned to locate anything from missing car keys to the mustard in the fridge…in the same exact place it always resides.

I suspect part of the reason I’m so good at tracking things down is because I’m great at word searches.  I’m fricking fantastic at those bitches. I can find the most complicated of words among a sea of vowels and consonants.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

Actually, that fact doesn’t have anything to do with this post.  I just wanted to find a way to sneak in the fact that I kick ass at word searches.

Mission accomplished.

Back to locating things: I don’t think I’m alone in my experience of being the go-to person for finding lost items.  I think it’s a widespread occurrence.

For some reason, men need women not only for procreating and endless hours of boob-grabbing, but also for tracking down missing underwear.

Dare I say this is an epidemic?  I dare.

Dare I say it’s worldwide?  I double dare.

I’m totally a daredevil when it comes to making allegations about men losing things. (I also love Double Dare and Marc Summers.)

"Where's MY uterus?" See what I mean?  Males are always looking for something... photo credit: Mohammed Alnaser via photopin cc

“Where’s MY uterus?”
See what I mean? Males are always looking for something…
photo credit: Mohammed Alnaser via photopin cc

I feel confident saying that women across the globe are inundated with inquiries as to where their male loved-one last left his favorite pair of running shoes.  (In the bathroom under the sink.  Duh.)

This phenomenon is not limited to adult males.  Rather, such forgetfulness starts at a young age.

Forgetting where they put their favorite fire engine develops into forgetting to call their girlfriends and then eventually leads to forgetting they were supposed to be home at 6:00 to clean the house.

Okay, those last two aren’t necessarily about losing things but I think they support the overall premise that men are forgetful.

What’s my point? That’s an excellent question.  My point is that either men are lazy and want to make women do all of their searching, or men are born with an inherent ability to lose things.

I’m not sure which explanation makes me sadder.

The only logical conclusion I’ve drawn from all of this (aside from the fact I will definitely get comments on this post about being a man-hater), is the reason women are so great at locating lost items is because of their uterus.

photo credit: dullhunk via photopin cc

photo credit: dullhunk via photopin cc

It’s one of the things that makes us different from men, and it’s clearly where we derive our ability to locate long lost possessions.

Notice I didn’t say it’s our vaginas.  It’s not.  Vaginas have enough things to worry about without having to locate little Timmy’s lost soccer uniform.

Plus, men can purchase artificial vaginas and I don’t think they have any better luck locating things just because they have a pocket pu$$y.

This leads me to my well-reasoned belief that women are capable of finding nearly anything simply because we have (or have had) a uterus.

It’s a fact, mostly because I said so.

The uterus is basically a beacon shining brightly, pointing the way to all of those missing puzzle pieces and lone socks.  What else could be the cause of our magical powers?

Nothing.  It’s the uterus.

Does that mean if you’ve had a hysterectomy you are no longer a finder of things?  Of course not!  If you’ve ever had a uterus, even if it was subsequently removed, you still retain your mad GPS skills because you were initially granted the infinite tracking abilities a uterus provides.

So there you have it.  Mystery solved.  Now you know why everyone comes to women for anything that’s lost (or in plain sight).

Come to think of it, if women were in charge of the search party, they would have found Amelia Earhart within an hour.

woman with lost item

33 Thoughts on “Where is it? Let me check my uterus

  1. OK, I can find lakes on top of mountains that nobody can find. But I cannot find my iphone. I also recently lost my camera. So what does that make me? Clueless?

    Very funny post.

    • Sandra, you didn’t recently lose your camera. You recently put it in a super safe spot where it is taking a break from the demands of being in anyone’s possession. That makes you a caring person who knows everything deserves some alone time. 🙂

  2. I’m on the other side of the hemisphere I can confirm it’s a world wide thing, As a wife and mother of teenage boys my new response to, where is the…. is going to be “hang on I will check my uterus bahahaha
    Mel just rambled about…The Candy Cane BraceletMy Profile

    • I’m telling you…this scientific breakthrough I’ve made is going to break boundaries. I should totally be written about in a journal or something. I’m like the Christopher Columbus of the modern world. 🙂

  3. As the official “finder of things” in my household, not a week (dare I say a day) goes by that I must search for something. Car keys are huge. My first question is, “did you check your pockets?” followed by the usual reply “YYYESSS” My next question is “did you check all of them?” followed by the usual reply “Of course.” I then proceed to check his pockets and magically locate said lost keys. Although this may be the husbands attempt to get groped too.

    • I think you may have just stumbled upon the real reason he always “loses” his keys. Next time you should “find” them in the dishwasher so maybe he’ll start looking there next time he loses something. Then in the future when he loses stuff again you can be all “look in the dishwasher…and as long as you’re there, you should just empty it.”

  4. I can vouch for my part of the world, men are absolutely shite at finding things. Especially in pantrys when lost items are right in front of their face! So now men have to grow a uterus, which wouldn’t help them at all because they will lose it!!
    Alicia just rambled about…How I tell the timeMy Profile

  5. At this house I’m both the loser and finder of things. Q: “Where is the thing?” A: “In a basket or a pile.”
    Amy – Funny is Family just rambled about…Crock Pot Thursday: Creamy Beef StroganoffMy Profile

    • I also have a lot of piles, but strangely enough, I usually know what’s in them! At work, my office looks like a disaster but it’s actually an organized disaster. If someone messed with my piles I would lose my mind!

  6. Really good posting and oh! so true. Next time someone asks me where something is, I’m gonna check my uterus. You made me laugh out loud.
    puddin.n.pie just rambled about…Hey Girl….My Profile

    • Aw, thank you! I LOVE knowing I made someone laugh out loud. It actually makes my day so thanks for taking the time to let me know. (P.S. I know you’re a fellow Ryan Gossling lover, so that means you are awesome and have excellent taste in yummy men.)

  7. Then my husband must have a uterus! He finds things in our house. Come to think of it, he also does all the cooking. I better check to see what’s going on inside is pants.

  8. Hi Lisa! Woman, you are hilarious and you’re also right. I’ve developed a system. When my husband is looking in the refrigerator or cupboards for something and he asks, honey where’s the… I use the 10 second method. Instead of getting up right away to find something that’s obviously right under his nose, I wait 10 seconds. Usually he finds what he’s looking for about 10 seconds after he makes me stop what I’m doing and makes me get up for nothing. So now I wait and if he still can’t find something after the appropriate amount of time, then I get up. Ha,ha! Great post!
    Vashti Quiroz-Vega just rambled about…Am I A Sucker?My Profile

    • You and your system might actually be a genius! I should totally implore this technique. I bet it would save me a lot of time getting off the couch.

      Who am I kidding? I rarely get off the couch, but when I do, I consider it my cardio.

      Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed my post. I love knowing I make people laugh so I appreciate your comments so much!
      Lisa Newlin just rambled about…Where is it? Let me check my uterusMy Profile

  9. Okay, first of all, this: “Vaginas have enough things to worry about without having to locate little Timmy’s lost soccer uniform.” just… Thank you.

    Also, I think my uterus is defective, because I’m constantly wandering around going “Um… where did I put my ? I swear I just had it…” and then about 10 minutes later that is followed by “Oh my gosh… I’ve been holding it this whole time…”

    I’m lucky I live alone. The level embarrassment I’ve saved myself from is remarkable.
    Emelie just rambled about…It Wasn’t Daniel Day-Lewis, But It Could Have Been.My Profile

    • I also loved my vagina quote in this piece. I’m glad you enjoyed it. And I’m usually pretty good at finding things except my phone. I can NEVER find my phone, and half the time it’s in my hand or in my bra (sometimes I put it there for safekeeping).

  10. I can typically find anything but boy would I love to find my sons iPod. It seems to have been lost in the abyss that is his room and I can’t find it anywhere!
    Julie @Momspective just rambled about…I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over MemeMy Profile

    • It sounds to me like you clearly need to touch the outside of your lower stomach and wait for your uterus to direct you to the iPod’s location. You should then send me an amazing present as a thank you for tapping you into this amazing secret power.

      Good luck finding the iPod!

  11. I may be exception to this rule. I am always…always….always losing things….and I never actually find them until I buy a new whatever it is that I lost in the first place. I think my house may very well be the black hole that swallows all lost things everywhere.
    TAM just rambled about…Texting Tuesday: My haircut looks like one that belongs to a preschool aged boy with beadheadMy Profile

  12. I absolutely love this. I have often wondered why I’m the only one in the whole house that can find something! Do you think this superpower extends to hearing as well? As in, I’m the only one who can hear the dog whining to go out.
    Rhonda just rambled about…Rewarding Bad Grades: Something Parents Should ConsiderMy Profile

    • I also have the superpower of being the only one who hears the dog whining. Do you think that comes from our uterus too? What about being the only one to change the roll of toilet paper AND actually put the roll on the right way?

      The uterus really does have super powers. 🙂

      • Now you have to write a post about the tiolet paper ’cause i didn’t know there was a right way to put it! I also tend to just throw the empty one beside the toilet instead of in the trash. No idea why. Lazy I guess…

  13. OK, so what is your recommendation when you have your uterus removed? Mine is somewhere in trash dump, but I’m still able to find everything despite the loss. Any thoughts?
    Stacey just rambled about…Munchkin #2 Presents: “Mimi Cheesey Goes to the Hospital”My Profile

    • I’m glad you asked this question, Stacey! My mom had hers removed years ago and she can still find everything.

      My explanation is that if you’ve HAD a uterus, then the secrety powers have been imparted on to you. Once you get them you don’t lose them, regardless of whether your uterus goes by way of the trash dump.

      I hope this cleared up this very important question. 🙂

  14. it is a fact, and not just because you said it. There are mountains of empirical (okay, anecdotal) evidence supporting your hypothesis. 😉
    Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense just rambled about…Giveaway!!! Rodger 8-Alarm Vibrating Digital Watch – ADD / ADHDMy Profile

  15. This is science I can get behind. My husband and I split our magical powers. If it’s in the house, I can find it. If it requires a map, that’s all him because the one thing I can’t find is my destination. (Found this post via Mamapedia. Can’t comment there for some reason.)
    Liz just rambled about…Zoe vs. the Bechdel TestMy Profile

    • You are 100% right! The funny thing is that neither one of us are good with directions. My hubs is better than I am but that’s not saying much. Can I borrow your husband for trips? I’ll feed him before I return him.

      I’m glad you found me on Mamapedia! This was my first time over there. 🙂

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