You guys have been asking for it. Okay, so not like how when I was a kid and my dad would tell me I was asking for it whenever I did something bad (which was a lot). In that case “it” was being grounded and then forced to do manual labor…like painting the deck.
I don’t think my dad had any idea what I was really asking for. <HINT: It was a new car.>
Apparently my dad was just really bad at reading me.
In this case, you guys have been asking for it, but you haven’t been “cruisin’ for a bruisin'” as my dad used to say. You’ve been asking for an updated version of “Shit my husband says.”
Because I’m good to you, and because I don’t have any manual labor that you guys would actually do, I’ve decided to give in to your request.
Without any further delay, I give you an updated version of random crap my husband said.
Sadly, each of these comments are 100% true, which is why I’m 100% embarrassed.
Matt: “Have you ever heard the phrase ‘To each his own?‘”
Lisa: “Yeah. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Shut the f*ck up?'”
Matt: “Yeah.” <looks down and whispers softly> “You say it to me regularly.”
Lisa: “What would you say if they tell me I have cancer?”
Matt: “Well fuck, it’s cancer. I guess we have to roll with it now.”
Man of the Cloth
Matt: “One of the Commandments says you shouldn’t covet your neighbor’s wife. Why would you covet his wife? Why not just bang her? It’s all the same sin in God’s eyes.”
Matt: “I totally didn’t say something creepy. Wait. What did I say?”
Lisa: “I want a latte.”
Matt: “Latte means ‘milk’ in Spanish.”
Lisa: “No it doesn’t. ‘Leche’ means milk in Spanish.”
Matt: “Like I said, ‘leche’ means milk. It comes from the old English word, ‘latte.'”
Lisa: “Ew. Get your finger out of my face. I don’t know where it’s been.”
Matt: “What do you mean, you don’t know where it’s been? It’s been on my hand.”