For some reason, men can’t seem to find things. Maybe it’s because they’re usually focused on other things; like what’s in their pants…or getting into yours.
Whatever the reason, my experience with men and locating items is they can’t seem to do it without my help.
Am I just a really good finder of missing items? Probably, although I often lose my dignity at karaoke bars and have trouble locating it. (It’s not at the bottom of five glasses of vodka. That’s always the first place I check.)
Maybe I’m just overly talented at finding things and that’s why I’m often summoned to locate anything from missing car keys to the mustard in the fridge…in the same exact place it always resides.
I suspect part of the reason I’m so good at tracking things down is because I’m great at word searches. I’m fricking fantastic at those bitches. I can find the most complicated of words among a sea of vowels and consonants.
Actually, that fact doesn’t have anything to do with this post. I just wanted to find a way to sneak in the fact that I kick ass at word searches.
Back to locating things: I don’t think I’m alone in my experience of being the go-to person for finding lost items. I think it’s a widespread occurrence.
For some reason, men need women not only for procreating and endless hours of boob-grabbing, but also for tracking down missing underwear.
Dare I say this is an epidemic? I dare.
Dare I say it’s worldwide? I double dare.
I’m totally a daredevil when it comes to making allegations about men losing things. (I also love Double Dare and Marc Summers.)
I feel confident saying that women across the globe are inundated with inquiries as to where their male loved-one last left his favorite pair of running shoes. (In the bathroom under the sink. Duh.)
This phenomenon is not limited to adult males. Rather, such forgetfulness starts at a young age.
Forgetting where they put their favorite fire engine develops into forgetting to call their girlfriends and then eventually leads to forgetting they were supposed to be home at 6:00 to clean the house.
Okay, those last two aren’t necessarily about losing things but I think they support the overall premise that men are forgetful.
What’s my point? That’s an excellent question. My point is that either men are lazy and want to make women do all of their searching, or men are born with an inherent ability to lose things.
I’m not sure which explanation makes me sadder.
The only logical conclusion I’ve drawn from all of this (aside from the fact I will definitely get comments on this post about being a man-hater), is the reason women are so great at locating lost items is because of their uterus.
It’s one of the things that makes us different from men, and it’s clearly where we derive our ability to locate long lost possessions.
Notice I didn’t say it’s our vaginas. It’s not. Vaginas have enough things to worry about without having to locate little Timmy’s lost soccer uniform.
Plus, men can purchase artificial vaginas and I don’t think they have any better luck locating things just because they have a pocket pu$$y.
This leads me to my well-reasoned belief that women are capable of finding nearly anything simply because we have (or have had) a uterus.
It’s a fact, mostly because I said so.
The uterus is basically a beacon shining brightly, pointing the way to all of those missing puzzle pieces and lone socks. What else could be the cause of our magical powers?
Nothing. It’s the uterus.
Does that mean if you’ve had a hysterectomy you are no longer a finder of things? Of course not! If you’ve ever had a uterus, even if it was subsequently removed, you still retain your mad GPS skills because you were initially granted the infinite tracking abilities a uterus provides.
So there you have it. Mystery solved. Now you know why everyone comes to women for anything that’s lost (or in plain sight).
Come to think of it, if women were in charge of the search party, they would have found Amelia Earhart within an hour.