matt on sailboat

That’s a girl’s hat he had to borrow because he forgot his hat at home.

It’s that time again.  It’s the time when I give my readers a peak into the infinite wisdom that spews from my husband’s mouth on a daily basis.

Actually, it’s crap.  It’s all crap, but it’s funny crap, so it works.  It keeps me laughing, which is all that matters.

Based upon the demands of you guys, he keeps you laughing too.

Don’t tell him that.

Without any further hesitation, let’s get to the mockery, shall we?

A memory like a steel trap

Matt:  “I totally told you about this.”

Lisa:  “I don’t remember it.”

Matt:  “Okay, maybe I didn’t tell you, but whatever.”

You can actually see him saying "Stop it."

You can actually see him saying “Stop it.”

Master of multi-tasking

I just peed and took my contacts out at the same time.  Hashtag allstar.”

A happy guy

Matt:  “Ew.  Shady Jack’s lipstick is out again. It’s so gross.”

Lisa: “Just don’t look at it.  It’s because he’s a happy dog.”

Matt:  “I’m a happy guy, but I don’t walk around with a boner.*”

*THIS IS DEBATABLE.*

A big dreamer

Matt:  “I had a dream that we got some really bad ass concert tickets from  Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple).”

Lisa:  “That’s weird.”

Matt:  “Then he got me a really good deal on underwear.  They were tighty whities, but still.”

Matt passed outA chick magnet

Matt: “I have a lot of scars from karate.*** It’s okay though.  Chicks dig scars.”

Lisa:  “How did you get scars from karate?”

Matt: “I got them from trying to break boards with my hands in karate.  

<looks down and says under his breath> 

“I was not successful.”

***In this conversation, he pronounced it as kah-rah-tay. Seriously.***

A needy guy

Matt:  “I need a new one of those air fresheners for my car.”

Lisa:  “Yeah, because you threw your last one away.”

Matt:  “That’s not relevant to this conversation.  I need a new one.”

A conversationalist

Lisa:  “What were we just talking about?”

Matt:  “The thing.”

Lisa:  “What thing?”

Matt:  “I don’t know, but it was definitely important.”

matt and lisa on the boat

21 Thoughts on “Funny things my husband said: The October 2013 edition

  1. Love these Matt-isms! Very funny! And I’m impressed he can pee and remove his contacts at the same time! Boy got skillz!
    Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) just rambled about…Wild Abandon at the Mahjong/Book Club Mash-UpMy Profile

  2. Very funny! But does he make the hashtag symbol with his fingers when he says it? That would make him so much cooler. 😉
    This Mom Said It! just rambled about…Don’t Be a Disney Dope!My Profile

    • Since I wasn’t in the room when he *allegedly* completed the task, I’m not sure if he made the symbol with his hands, but I’m assuming he didn’t…or he would have bragged about that too. ;-0

  3. Classic! My hubby does and says some real stupid stuff, he makes me laugh too, good thing….. 🙂
    Man is a bloody legend, taking out his contacts and peeing at the same time, must be a man thing! Obviously not enough hours in the day to do the two things separately.
    Had to laugh at “the lipstick’. It will come back to haunt me oneday, but I call cocktail franks dogs dicks, and I fear we will go to a party one day and one of the girls will exclaim, they have dogs dicks lol. Not good, miss 1(almost 2) calls them hot dogs and hasn’t caught on to it yet(thank god).
    Alicia just rambled about…From black suede to pink wink #openslatherMy Profile

    • Cocktail franks are dog dicks? I can’t…I can’t breathe. Too fricking funny!!!! I love me some cocktail wieners but now that name has a whole new meaning. And yet, they’re still so delicious.

      Please let me know when one of your girls yells out about dog dicks at a fancy party. I ask for the “when” as it’s inevitable. I’m looking forward to it.

    • Haha “lipstick”. As to the “dogs dicks” my partner calls all those fancy sausage shaped meats like salami “pigs dicks”. Lord what a well spoken lot we are.

      • I don’t know about the pigs dicks, so I’ll leave up to your partner to say if it’s true or not. Maybe that will keep me from eating all the mini sausages at a party next time.

        No I won’t.

  4. I want to make “Hashtag Allstar” a thing. How do we do that? Is there someone we could petition? Obviously not the government right now, but… someone.
    Erin just rambled about…How to Talk to Your Kid About… Not Understanding a Word They’re SayingMy Profile

    • We DEFINITELY should make “hashtag allstar” a thing. we definitely don’t want the government involved with this, not only because they’re closed, but because they would take all the fun out of it. They would also talk about all the ways they would make it a thing and then they’d never make it a thing. We’d have better luck doing it ourselves. I’m sure of it.

  5. good stuff. we men are full of pearls of wisdom.

  6. He seems confident and funny – lots of good times, I bet.
    SmackOfHam (John) just rambled about…5 Reasons Not To Get Into Shape – ExerciseMy Profile

  7. Great for a laugh even if it is as you say ‘crap’. My partners latest one when referring to my rack/ breasts is to call them a bra rack … classy I tell you. His reasoning … they hold the bra.

  8. Hilarious!! Men really are another species!!

  9. Rolling around laughing on the floor. Just as well he didn’t drop a contact lens!
    Hello from sunny Oz. Will be back for another giggle,
    Cheers
    Tanya

    • I’m so glad you found me and enjoyed this post! And I guess you’re right about him not dropping a contact lens. I was just worried he would give himself an eye infection! That may be my next post…

  10. You really funny, I like you.

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