matt on sailboat

That’s a girl’s hat he had to borrow because he forgot his hat at home.

It’s that time again.  It’s the time when I give my readers a peak into the infinite wisdom that spews from my husband’s mouth on a daily basis.

Actually, it’s crap.  It’s all crap, but it’s funny crap, so it works.  It keeps me laughing, which is all that matters.

Based upon the demands of you guys, he keeps you laughing too.

Don’t tell him that.

Without any further hesitation, let’s get to the mockery, shall we?

A memory like a steel trap

Matt:  “I totally told you about this.”

Lisa:  “I don’t remember it.”

Matt:  “Okay, maybe I didn’t tell you, but whatever.”

You can actually see him saying "Stop it."

You can actually see him saying “Stop it.”

Master of multi-tasking

I just peed and took my contacts out at the same time.  Hashtag allstar.”

A happy guy

Matt:  “Ew.  Shady Jack’s lipstick is out again. It’s so gross.”

Lisa: “Just don’t look at it.  It’s because he’s a happy dog.”

Matt:  “I’m a happy guy, but I don’t walk around with a boner.*”

*THIS IS DEBATABLE.*

A big dreamer

Matt:  “I had a dream that we got some really bad ass concert tickets from  Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple).”

Lisa:  “That’s weird.”

Matt:  “Then he got me a really good deal on underwear.  They were tighty whities, but still.”

Matt passed outA chick magnet

Matt: “I have a lot of scars from karate.*** It’s okay though.  Chicks dig scars.”

Lisa:  “How did you get scars from karate?”

Matt: “I got them from trying to break boards with my hands in karate.  

<looks down and says under his breath> 

“I was not successful.”

***In this conversation, he pronounced it as kah-rah-tay. Seriously.***

A needy guy

Matt:  “I need a new one of those air fresheners for my car.”

Lisa:  “Yeah, because you threw your last one away.”

Matt:  “That’s not relevant to this conversation.  I need a new one.”

A conversationalist

Lisa:  “What were we just talking about?”

Matt:  “The thing.”

Lisa:  “What thing?”

Matt:  “I don’t know, but it was definitely important.”

matt and lisa on the boat