Full HouseI used to love the show “Full House” and watched it religiously when I was a kid.  (By “when I was a kid” I mean now.)

From a creepy uncle who lived in the basement to the equally creepy uncle who lived in a child’s bedroom on the second floor, there was a lot of shit that went down in that house.

I used to think Uncle Joey was the creepy one living in the basement with stuffed animals and children’s toys, but now that I think about it, at least he had his own space down there.

Uncle Joey’s gig was better than Uncle Jesse’s.  Jesse had no privacy living upstairs, just a bedroom away from enough make up and estrogen to make any tranny jealous.

He had no privacy.  Where do you think Uncle Jesse kept his stash of VHS tapes of porn?  You know he was a dirty bird.

The poor guy shared a wall with a toddler, and a bathroom with two pre-pubescent girls.  His hair probably smelled like Tinkerbell shampoo, and his balls probably smelled like herpes.

Do herpes smell?  I don’t know.

For some reason, I got to thinking about what the neighbors had to think of that bat shit crazy house.  Fortunately, I found a diary entry from one of the Tanners’ neighbors, and since I’m awesome like that, I decided to share the notes with you.

  • Why are there so many grown men in one house?  It’s not just that “Everywhere you look….there’s a face….of somebody who needs you,”  it’s that every one of those faces are dudes, which is super creepy.  It’s one big sausage fest over there.
  • The music coming from that house is dreadful.  I’m not sure if those two middle-aged dudes who always have their shirts tucked into their pants think they’re going to start a rock band, but they probably need to realize that music stars don’t usually rock out on their electric keyboards.  Homeboys need to learn to lip sync…and learn how to wear a pair of Dockers.
  • I swear they say they only have one small girl that lives there, but I know there are two girls who look alike and they just call both of them Michelle.
http://www.people.com/people/mary-kate_olsen/biography

http://www.people.com/people/mary-kate_olsen/biography

  • Please don’t try to convince me that Kimmy Gibbler is best friends with DJ Tanner.  I’m not sure what dirt Kimmy has on DJ, but it has to be good, as no one would voluntarily be friends with Kimmy Gibbler. No one.
  • If I hear “You got it, dude” one more time, I might actually blow my brains out.  Or, maybe I’ll just buy some blow from Kimmy Gibbler.  Either way, blow will be involved.  You know, maybe that’s why DJ is friends with Gibbler.  DJ looks like she dabbles in nose candy.  It’s the only explanation for why she would ever think she looked good in mall bangs.
  • That middle child, Stephanie, is super annoying.  There’s nothing else to report on that one.  I just wanted to mention it.
  • There’s something about the dad, Danny Tanner, that tells me he has a really nasty side to him.  My intuition tells me he has a really good ending to that Aristocrats joke.
  • Where the hell is that convertible they drive in the opening credits?  They’re all happy driving across the bridge in that hoopty and then we never see it again.  Maybe it’s Gibbler’s drug car.
  • Aunt Becky likes to play it innocent with her shirts buttoned all the way up to her neck, but I know the score with her.  She may be a poorly dressed lady in the street, but she’s a freak in the bed for sure. Once her granny panties come off, it’s on.
photo credit: tinney via photopin cc

photo credit: tinney via photopin cc

That’s all the notes I found from the neighbors.  Apparently their house was torn down after the show ended, which isn’t really that sad as it was just the front of a building and not a full house anyway.

Ha!  Not a full house.  I made a pun and didn’t even know it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch reruns of “Family Matters” and answer the question about why Urkel talked in a high-pitched voice.  (Spoiler alert:  His pants where shoved up his scrotum.)

34 Thoughts on “What the people who lived next door to “Full House” really thought about the Tanners

  1. OMG I just about pissed my pants laughing at this one!

    I loved Full House when I was growing up and still occasionally watch it now as an adult. It’s not as cute now as it was then. The guys just seem like major goobers, Michelle is a spoiled brat, Stephanie is a pain in the ass, and DJ strikes me as the good girl who is dying to be the bad girl. Don’t get me started on the other clan members or Kimmy Gibler. Haha. It’s not a bad show overall but my thoughts on it have changed significantly…obviously.
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    • I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! I enjoyed writing it! It’s so funny to look at the show from a different set of eyes…from an adult set of eyes. It’s funny but a little disturbing…

  2. I loved this show – and my teenager loves it now. But you are so right about those Tanners…I wish they’d just cut it out (I was making those dorky hand motions Joey made – remember that?)
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    • OMG! I totally read the “cut it out” as doing the hand gestures. He also follows it up with something like “quit it, come on.” How were we supposed to believe he was a comedian. He was super annoying!

  3. Doesn’t Stephanie just have middle child syndrome to the max?!! Oh, she’s the worst for sure!
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    • She totally has middle child syndrome! Wasn’t she just the most annoying one? If I heard her say “How rude!” one more time I might actually have punched her.

      I think she got addicted to meth. For reals. I know she’s been married and divorced a few times. Maybe it was all because she was the middle child…

  4. Courtney P on September 11, 2013 at 1:43 am said:

    Yes let’s be for real about DJ’s friends. You know Unlce Jesse would have been eye candy for all her friends, I mean seriously! I’m sure all the girls at school would be begging for sleep overs, and yet the Gibler is all we get? Reality though, they propbably did beg to spend the night, but what mother in her right mind would let her teenage daughter spend the night at sausage fest house. The Gibler is her only friend due to lack of parental supervision on Kimmy’s side.

    As an aside, John Stamos has gotten so much hotter as he got older. And rocks out with the Beach Boys. Have mercy!

    • You are right on so many levels! I never thought about the fact that DJ couldn’t have friends because everyone knew her house was most likely filled with pedophiles. Obviously Kimmy’s parents neglected her, as no one can be that annoying if they’re actually getting attention at home. I suspect Kimmy is a meth-head stripper with several c-section scars and approximately 7 children.

      John Stamos does continue to get more and more attractive as he ages! I also forgot about the “Have mercy!” quote he did all the time. He is one guy who could rock out in my guest bedroom, if you know what I mean. 😉

      • Courtney P on September 12, 2013 at 3:42 am said:

        I know exactly what you mean! He can have some necessary roughness too…if you catch my drift. And btw, apparently Jesse and the Rippers made a reunion on Jimmy Fallon a couple of months ago. Yes…google this now!

  5. I would comment on this with a lot of information about how there is an episode where Danny turns 30, and in that episode the convertible gets destroyed (Jesse drives it into the bay), which is why we don’t see it after the first season….but that would only serve to prove I have watched way too many episodes of this show.
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  6. There were all kinds unusual living situations in 80’s sitcoms when you look at it.

    Mr. Belvedere: who better to look after your kids than an effeminate middle-age man named Lynn. How did poor Wesley sleep at night knowing that the only thing protecting his ruby star-fruit from Lynn Belvedere and Bob Uecker was a hollow door made of balsa wood?

    Diff’rent Strokes: I spent many days of my childhood at the basketball court waiting for a rich old white man to steal me away. There were many old white men trying to snatch me but none of them were rich. A guy in a van with a Creme Brulee or Souffle would have gotten much more mileage with me than the guy with the Snickers bar…Who am I kidding? I have a weakness for Snickers and learned many difficult lessons.

    My Two Dads: I never watched it but assumed it was about a gay couple raising a daughter and that would have been very cool and progressive for the time…not so. The “two dads” were just two random dudes trying to bang this girl’s dying mother…The family court judge said “OK, whatever. That will work.”

    Sadly I missed the episode of Full House where Joey introduced the girls to their new aunt, Alanis.

    Joey: OK, kids. Say goodbye. Aunt Alanis and I are going to go see a movie (turns to the camera and winks)
    Michelle: Cut. It. Out.
    Alanis: Like you’re going to do to my heart, Mr. Duplicity.
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  7. My teenage daughter is watching old reruns of this show now. Is it a classic? Nevermind, don’t answer that. It wasn’t all that great back then, and it’s definitely not now. I think they messed up the Michelles. By the way, I told my running partner she had to go read AM-BUSHED and she was cracking up this morning on our run!
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    • It’s a classic all right…a classically ridiculous sit com from the 80s…my favorite kind! I also think the show and the producers messed up the Michelles, although they messed up their faces on their own. NOTE: The starving and depressed look is not in. Those girls need to eat some ham sandwiches and then put on some blush.

      And thanks for sharing my blog and my Am-BUSHED post! I love that so many people are taking your advice and reading it and then enjoying it! I also love that I”m making you and your running partner laugh. Hopefully it made the run a little more enjoyable this morning.

      Wait, that’s an impossible task. A run is never enjoyable…
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  8. I don’t know if a blog post has made me this happy EVER. Uncle Jesse’s herpe balls, Aunt Becky’s pseudo-Amish fetish, and mother effing Kimmy Gibbler. I think DJ was the stereotypical first child who wanted to play the mother-role since she lost her mother at such an early age. She was just trying to help Kimmy, but when that boyfriend Steve came around, Kimmy was second fiddle in no time. DJ gave up. Crack is whack, Kim.
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  9. Totally LOVED this post, and laughed till I nearly peed my pants especially when reading about uncle Jessie’s “porn stash” I never really thought of Full House this way, but thinking back it is pretty creepy to have three grown men raising three small girls.. Things that make you go hmmm

  10. Thank you, I said the same thing about Kimmy Gibler. My theory was that her dad made her hang out w/her, to keep boys away, but I didn’t watch regularly enough to find out.
    Not a FULL HOUSE, hahahahahaha!
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  11. I always wondered if anyone thought those three guys were in a polyamorous triad or something.
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  12. OMG…I can’t breathe…just too funny. I NEVER really liked the show…to me it was annoying.

  13. Love this post! Almost cried laughing so hard while reading:
    Where do you think Uncle Jesse kept his stash of VHS tapes of porn?  You know that guy was a dirty bird but had to be discreet.The poor guy shared a wall with a toddler, and a bathroom with two pre-pubescent girls.  His hair probably smelled like Tinkerbell shampoo, and his balls probably smelled like herpes.Do herpes smell?  I don’t know.Perhaps I should ask Miley Cyrus…..
    This is very true and I never really wondered that until now after all the years of watching the show…hmmmm that is sure a damn good question. But loved and enjoyed reading it as well as my boyfriend loved listening to it. 🙂

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed this one! I cracked up about the VHS porn tapes too. I randomly thought of that as I was writing the piece, which is probably a bit scary. Why would I think about porn for a fictional character?

      Either way, I’m glad you and your boyfriend enjoyed this post. I hope you read it out loud with lots of inflection in your voice!

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