From a creepy uncle who lived in the basement to the equally creepy uncle who lived in a child’s bedroom on the second floor, there was a lot of shit that went down in that house.
I used to think Uncle Joey was the creepy one living in the basement with stuffed animals and children’s toys, but now that I think about it, at least he had his own space down there.
Uncle Joey’s gig was better than Uncle Jesse’s. Jesse had no privacy living upstairs, just a bedroom away from enough make up and estrogen to make any tranny jealous.
He had no privacy. Where do you think Uncle Jesse kept his stash of VHS tapes of porn? You know he was a dirty bird.
The poor guy shared a wall with a toddler, and a bathroom with two pre-pubescent girls. His hair probably smelled like Tinkerbell shampoo, and his balls probably smelled like herpes.
Do herpes smell? I don’t know.
For some reason, I got to thinking about what the neighbors had to think of that bat shit crazy house. Fortunately, I found a diary entry from one of the Tanners’ neighbors, and since I’m awesome like that, I decided to share the notes with you.
- Why are there so many grown men in one house? It’s not just that “Everywhere you look….there’s a face….of somebody who needs you,” it’s that every one of those faces are dudes, which is super creepy. It’s one big sausage fest over there.
- The music coming from that house is dreadful. I’m not sure if those two middle-aged dudes who always have their shirts tucked into their pants think they’re going to start a rock band, but they probably need to realize that music stars don’t usually rock out on their electric keyboards. Homeboys need to learn to lip sync…and learn how to wear a pair of Dockers.
- I swear they say they only have one small girl that lives there, but I know there are two girls who look alike and they just call both of them Michelle.
- Please don’t try to convince me that Kimmy Gibbler is best friends with DJ Tanner. I’m not sure what dirt Kimmy has on DJ, but it has to be good, as no one would voluntarily be friends with Kimmy Gibbler. No one.
- If I hear “You got it, dude” one more time, I might actually blow my brains out. Or, maybe I’ll just buy some blow from Kimmy Gibbler. Either way, blow will be involved. You know, maybe that’s why DJ is friends with Gibbler. DJ looks like she dabbles in nose candy. It’s the only explanation for why she would ever think she looked good in mall bangs.
- That middle child, Stephanie, is super annoying. There’s nothing else to report on that one. I just wanted to mention it.
- There’s something about the dad, Danny Tanner, that tells me he has a really nasty side to him. My intuition tells me he has a really good ending to that Aristocrats joke.
- Where the hell is that convertible they drive in the opening credits? They’re all happy driving across the bridge in that hoopty and then we never see it again. Maybe it’s Gibbler’s drug car.
- Aunt Becky likes to play it innocent with her shirts buttoned all the way up to her neck, but I know the score with her. She may be a poorly dressed lady in the street, but she’s a freak in the bed for sure. Once her granny panties come off, it’s on.
That’s all the notes I found from the neighbors. Apparently their house was torn down after the show ended, which isn’t really that sad as it was just the front of a building and not a full house anyway.
Ha! Not a full house. I made a pun and didn’t even know it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch reruns of “Family Matters” and answer the question about why Urkel talked in a high-pitched voice. (Spoiler alert: His pants where shoved up his scrotum.)