What you didn't see at fashion weekI’m pretty much a style icon.  A fashion maven if you will.

Fifty-something women all over the Midwest look to me for inspiration about what to wear…and then they don’t wear it because they know I don’t have the first clue about fashion (or low waisted pants.)

As you know, New York Fashion Week just ended, which means all the new styles for Spring 2014 premiered.  Yes, I know, it seems strange that Fall Fashion Week showcases spring fashions.

It doesn’t make sense, but neither does Jessica Simpson being taken seriously as a fashion designer.  There are just some mysteries that will never be solved.

My friend Gansavoort is a fabulous fashion editor in New York City, and although she didn’t explicitly invite me to Fashion Week this year, I definitely took her subliminal hints that she wanted me there.

Please don’t think of coming to Fashion Week” and “I’ll lose my job if I’m seen with you” were just decoy texts.  I  know she wishes I could make it.

Next time, Gansavoort.  Next time.

Since I wasn’t there, I’m not sure what fashions were showcased this year, but I have an idea of what fashions weren’t showcased.  Here are a few things I know didn’t make the runway, although I wish they would have.

photo credit: cackhanded via photopin cc

photo credit: cackhanded via photopin cc

1.  Pajama Jeans

When is the fashion world going to catch on to this amazing invention?

They’re pajamas….that look like jeans!

This is pure and simple comfortable brilliance and nothing more.

2.  Muffin tops

photo credit: rick via photopin cc

photo credit: rick via photopin cc

I realize this isn’t an outfit, per se, although it’s an accessory that accompanies every one of my ensembles.

I’m sure not only did none of the fashion models sport muffin tops, none of them have ever savored the delicious goodness of devouring 5 muffin tops in under 3 minutes.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s why they don’t have muffin tops.

3.  Orthopedic shoes

photo credit: BEYOURPET via photopin cc

photo credit: BEYOURPET via photopin cc

If only, my dear readers.  If only this was a fashion statement.  If it was, I’d be the most fashionable chick at Curves Fitness.

As of now, I’m the youngest member, with Gretta coming in second place right behind me at a whopping 57 years young.  The two of us could rock that runway in our orthopedics and remind the fashion world how great it is to have comfortable shoes.

We’d walk that runway in style, and at a snails’ pace because of our feet problems.

4.  Bonnie Bell lip gloss

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

This shit is awesome and I’m not sure why it’s not the exclusive lip gloss of Fashion Week.  It should be.

Poor Bonnie Bell is shunned from the fashion world, although her arch nemesis, Bobbi Brown, is always rocking the runway in style.

Although I’m a Bobbi Brown girl at heart because it’s “My Prerogative,” (see what I did there?  Bobbi Brown and Bobby Brown?  Hee hee.) I still feel for Bonnie Bell.  She’s brilliant in her lip gloss development.  Her best invention?  Dr. Pepper lip gloss.

That’s right, THERE’S LIP GLOSS THAT TASTES LIKE DR. PEPPER!

Why this isn’t featured on the runway, I will never know.

5.  Underwear

photo credit: arielkovic via photopin cc

photo credit: arielkovic via photopin cc

I watch enough Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model to know that most of these models stroll the runway sans undergarments.

If I stomped down the runway without my bra, I’d probably trip over my tits and land spread-eagle with my hoo-ha in the spotlight.

That’s not the kind of fashion statement I want to make.

6.  Food

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

I’m going out on a very sturdy limb here in saying there wasn’t much to munch on at Fashion Week other than cotton balls dipped in orange juice.

Maybe if they’d use Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper lip gloss, they wouldn’t be so damn hungry.

I’m not sure what will come out of New York Fashion Week 2013, but I’m sure it won’t be any of the things I mentioned here.

This is one of those times I’d love to be wrong, but considering I’m never wrong, these predictions are a safe bet.

Now where are the brownies?

 

28 Thoughts on “Styles you definitely didn’t see at New York Fashion Week

  1. I think those big ass Bonnie Bells on a rope were brilliance in accessorizing. Da balm! Remember the 7Up ones? And Orange crush? They still have ’em, just not the big blingy ones. I’ve got a tube of the Dr. Pepper gloss in my makeup drawer. Oh yes I do! Because I’m a stylin’ mothuh. And if you get muffin top crumbs stuck to your lips? Even tastier.
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    • Those lip glosses were Da balm! <-- Brilliantly hilarious! And I forgot you could wear them around your neck! That way you always knew where your lip gloss was. Pure genius. Where did you get the Dr. Pepper gloss? Did you order it on line? I would totally buy an Orange Crush one too. For reals. I want to know where you got it.

  2. OMG! You had me laughing my butt off with 5. Underwear and 6. Food!! Oh hell, you had be LMAO from 1 thru 6! Way too funny. Thanks for the late night laughs.
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  3. Jean pyjamas, genius. Would make getting the morning paper in your pajamas less awkward. I’d have to give the orthopedics away for high heels for that extra height so I didn’t trip over my tits too lol! Bonnie Bell sounds awesome!
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  4. “It doesn’t make sense, but neither does Jessica Simpson being taken seriously as a fashion designer. There are just some mysteries that will never be solved.” So true. I refuse to buy anything that says Jessica Simpson on it – not that that is really my style.

    Maybe Project Runway could contract with Bonnie Bell for next season.

    • I would LOVE to hear Tim Gunn say “You have an hour to get your models through the Bonnie Bell make up room.” Yeah, it just feels right. 🙂

      I’m sure Tim Gunn has no idea what Bonnie Bell is, and if he did, he would fall over in his Faragamo shoes. I still love him.

  5. Holy shit, babe! I laughed so hard at this. “They’re pajamas….that look like jeans!” Freaking awesome!

  6. I’ve BEEN to fashion week (in 79 and 80) and you are dead wrong- Bonnie Bell lip gloss was offered as an appetizer. Sheesh
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  7. Love me Pajama Jeans, though I have a knock-off brand that Lane Bryant calls “Jeggings,” one pair of which I cut into shorts, or “Schmeggings” (I know there is no M, it’s for emphasis.)
    I found Chocolate Chip Cookie flavored lip balm at the Target Dollar Spot a couple years ago. EVERYONE got them for Christmas, because I’m nothing if not frugal. And who doesn’t love to moisturize AND taste cookies? You could put cookie on your top lip, Dr. Pepper on your bottom lip and totally have an all-day snack.
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    • You’re a great gift giver. I would have been thrilled with chocolate chip cookie flavored lip balm! Those Target Dollar Spots have great deals sometimes. I found a bunch of peppermint bark there once and it was amazing!!!!

  8. Believe it or not, I actually own a couple of pairs of Jessica Simpson shoes. I don’t own pajama jeans but my girls need a bra too! And definitely packing more stomachwise than those models…
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    • I don’t own any of her shoes, but I actually really like them. They’re cute and the platform on them makes it so much easier to stand in them.

      I’m comforted to know she didn’t really design them. That helps ease the blow.

  9. Cotton balls dipped in orange juice … LOL! Who told you?? Haha!

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    • Have you heard of that trend with models? Apparently it really is a thing and a way to make themselves feel full without putting on weight.

      You know how I make myself feel full? Nachos. Of course, I do put on weight, but it’s a small price to pay for a full belly.

  10. I rocked that Bonnie Bell Dr Pepper lip gloss in the late 70s. (It also worked as blush in a pinch.) Can’t imagine how many tubes of it I ate, I mean, wore.

    I will jump on the orthopedic shoes bandwagon with you. It’s so much more important to me that my shoes are comfortable than cute. And believe me when I tell you that size 11 shoes are never cute anyway….
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    • FINALLY! Someone who sides with me on the comfort issue with shoes. Who cares if they’re cute? If my feet hurt, I’m miserable and I don’t really care if my feet look cute. Is anyone really going to notice when I’m putting it up your a$$? Doubtful.

      And I love the “can’t imagine how many tubes of it I ate, I mean, wore.” Hilarious and TOTALLY true!

  11. I want a pair of those pajama jeans!
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    • They are amazing! The jeans that are actually better (but more expensive) are JAG jeans. they’re the only ones I wear and they do a great job of minimizing that muffin top.

      A muffin top I know you don’t have. Wait. Why am I telling you this? YOU DON”T NEED THEM!

  12. You are hysterical! I just love reading your posts so much! Orthopedic shoes- I never thought of those! LOL on the muffin tops. And I so have pajama jeans- did I just say that!!
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    • Thanks for being such a loyal reader! I love knowing that and appreciate it so much.

      And get yourself some orthopedic shoes. They’re amazing. I’m not kidding.

      I also have Pajama Jeans and I’m not ashamed. They’re perfection.

  13. Suzanne Lucas on September 24, 2013 at 10:45 pm said:

    I definitely rock the muffin top. Seriously, why isn’t that a thing?
    Now all I need are the orthopedic shoes because 3-inch heels make my knees snap, crackle and pop. Which takes away from the sexiness of my muffin top.

    • I’ve seen your photos and you DO NOT have a muffin top. Don’t even! Maybe a mini muffin or one of those health muffins that isn’t even a muffin at all..it’s just a small chunk of air.

  14. You’re definitely right about all of these!

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