Fifty-something women all over the Midwest look to me for inspiration about what to wear…and then they don’t wear it because they know I don’t have the first clue about fashion (or low waisted pants.)
As you know, New York Fashion Week just ended, which means all the new styles for Spring 2014 premiered. Yes, I know, it seems strange that Fall Fashion Week showcases spring fashions.
It doesn’t make sense, but neither does Jessica Simpson being taken seriously as a fashion designer. There are just some mysteries that will never be solved.
My friend Gansavoort is a fabulous fashion editor in New York City, and although she didn’t explicitly invite me to Fashion Week this year, I definitely took her subliminal hints that she wanted me there.
“Please don’t think of coming to Fashion Week” and “I’ll lose my job if I’m seen with you” were just decoy texts. I know she wishes I could make it.
Next time, Gansavoort. Next time.
Since I wasn’t there, I’m not sure what fashions were showcased this year, but I have an idea of what fashions weren’t showcased. Here are a few things I know didn’t make the runway, although I wish they would have.
1. Pajama Jeans
When is the fashion world going to catch on to this amazing invention?
They’re pajamas….that look like jeans!
This is pure and simple comfortable brilliance and nothing more.
2. Muffin tops
I realize this isn’t an outfit, per se, although it’s an accessory that accompanies every one of my ensembles.
I’m sure not only did none of the fashion models sport muffin tops, none of them have ever savored the delicious goodness of devouring 5 muffin tops in under 3 minutes.
Come to think of it, maybe that’s why they don’t have muffin tops.
3. Orthopedic shoes
If only, my dear readers. If only this was a fashion statement. If it was, I’d be the most fashionable chick at Curves Fitness.
As of now, I’m the youngest member, with Gretta coming in second place right behind me at a whopping 57 years young. The two of us could rock that runway in our orthopedics and remind the fashion world how great it is to have comfortable shoes.
We’d walk that runway in style, and at a snails’ pace because of our feet problems.
4. Bonnie Bell lip gloss
This shit is awesome and I’m not sure why it’s not the exclusive lip gloss of Fashion Week. It should be.
Poor Bonnie Bell is shunned from the fashion world, although her arch nemesis, Bobbi Brown, is always rocking the runway in style.
Although I’m a Bobbi Brown girl at heart because it’s “My Prerogative,” (see what I did there? Bobbi Brown and Bobby Brown? Hee hee.) I still feel for Bonnie Bell. She’s brilliant in her lip gloss development. Her best invention? Dr. Pepper lip gloss.
That’s right, THERE’S LIP GLOSS THAT TASTES LIKE DR. PEPPER!
Why this isn’t featured on the runway, I will never know.
If I stomped down the runway without my bra, I’d probably trip over my tits and land spread-eagle with my hoo-ha in the spotlight.
That’s not the kind of fashion statement I want to make.
I’m going out on a very sturdy limb here in saying there wasn’t much to munch on at Fashion Week other than cotton balls dipped in orange juice.
Maybe if they’d use Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper lip gloss, they wouldn’t be so damn hungry.
I’m not sure what will come out of New York Fashion Week 2013, but I’m sure it won’t be any of the things I mentioned here.
This is one of those times I’d love to be wrong, but considering I’m never wrong, these predictions are a safe bet.
Now where are the brownies?