It’s been quiet around the hydrangea bush at the Newlin house. Maybe a little too quiet. Jerry Yardcia and his Gnome Boyz have been noticeably quiet recently, despite their suspected illegal activities.
For those of you not familiar with Jerry, he is the gangsta gnome who runs security at my house. He also runs a variety of illegal rackets, but I will deny that if asked.
DO NOT ASK.
Jerry Yardcia is a former accountant turned gantsta. He’s the head gnome in charge and his “special” cousin Jernome is his right hand man, despite the fact he physically stands to the left of Jerry.
Did I mention Jernome was special?
I told myself the peacefulness around the house was nothing to worry about. I hoped Jerry left the gangsta life of crime and turned over a new leaf. (He definitely turned over a few hydrangea leaves, as that plant seems to be dying despite my numerous life-saving attempts, which really just entails watering it when I remember to…which isn’t often.)
I told myself it was possible Jerry grew sick of keeping inventory of hash and cocaine and instead returned to keeping inventory of debits and credits.
(NOTE: Debits are ALWAYS to the left and credits are ALWAYS to the right. Don’t even get him started on this touchy subject. DEBIT AND CREDIT JOKES ARE NEVER FUNNY TO JERRY.)
If only leaving a life of crime was an option for Jerry. Apparently the thug life got ahold of him good…just like it did Tu-Pac.
Instead of turning away from it, Jerry is embracing his criminal ways and bringing new gangstas on board. Matt and I were not made aware of this development.
Unbegnownst to us, Jerry invited a new gansta to our gnome.
Now that I think about it, I’m not sure how I thought Jerry Yardcia made enough money to live the lavish lifestyle he does. After all, that sweet medallion around his neck and his flip phone don’t pay for themselves.
The only way he could afford such luxuries was to have a money-making scheme on the down gnome. (Okay, that one was a stretch.)
Recently I found out what that scheme was, as the new Gnome boy arrived with the start of football season. Meet the thug known only as “Gnomber One Fan.”
What role does Gnomber One Fan play in Jerry’s gang of misfits?
Yup. You guessed it. He’s the bookie. He runs the numbers racket and he seems to have a gy-gnomous book of business.
Okay, so maybe “bookie” isn’t the right gnomenclature for his job, but what’s the politically correct term for a gnome heavily involved in loansharking and betting?
Ah yes: a gnombers runner.
The gnome only gnown as “Gnomber One Fan” appears here to stay, at least for the duration of football season.
In my brief conversations with him, he gnows a lot about football and stats. Perhaps he was Jerry’s assistant in the accounting world way-back-when.
As you can tell by the Mizzou logo across his abgnomen, he’s a Missouri fan, which is good, as I certainly couldn’t have a KU fan living in my hydrangeas. My compost pile? Sure.
My hydrangeas? Never.
Don’t worry though. Gnomber One doesn’t have a heart of gnome. He knows when to stop and smell the roses…or in this case, the vinca.
So if you’re looking for someone to place bets with this football season, come on over to the Newlin gnome and we will get you set up. Of course, you’ll have to throw Jerry the proper gansta sign before he will let you into the house. After all, he’s a gansta gnome, not a pushover.