It’s no surprise I’m a dog lover. The dog hair on my clothes and the faint smell of urine give that away fairly easily.
Yeah…the urine smell is from the dogs…
Recently, one of my fellow dog-lovers shared a photo with me that I felt compelled to share with you. Fortunately, my friend isn’t Anthony Weiner, so I can share the photo here instead of burying it in the back of my mind and seeking therapy immediately.
(Really Weiner? You send dick pics and your name is Weiner? If it wasn’t disgusting it could actually be kind of awesome.)
Okay, enough with the Weiner talk. (That’s what she said.)
Seriously, guys. Focus.
Here’s the non-perverted photo my friend shared with me. Can you believe it? They’re shoes by designer Kobi Levi that look like a dog.
Sure, the dog is headless, but let’s not get too judgy about the accuracy of the shoes and why this is a headless hound. I have way too many other things to be judgey about with these shoes.
Let’s get started.
First thing’s first, where do I get these fine furry friends? Do I have to adopt them from a shelter or will I have to go to a breeder for them?
Quite honestly, they look high end, which suggests a breeder was involved in these sweet kicks.
Either way, these sure give new meaning to the phrase “designer dogs.”
If I adopt them, what do I do when I don’t want them anymore because they pee on the floor and chew up my
underwear furniture? Is my only option to put them down…literally?
Are they up-to-date on shots or do I have to pay for that separately?
What kind of care do these puppy pumps require? Is food and water needed or just a good brushing every now and then?
Do they shed? I can’t take another shedding dog in my house, so this furry footwear needs to be shed-free.
I realize Kobi Levi designed these shoes, but do you think he sold the design to Hush Puppies? Do you think that’s why the brand is called Hush Puppies? Because these shoes don’t know how to keep the barking down to a minimum?
Perhaps these dogs literally bark when you wear them. If so, that would give new meaning to the phrase “My dogs are barking.”
How will they react to the doorbell? Will they cower in a corner and pee on the floor, or will they howl until the intruder leaves the premises?
How will they react to other dogs? Will they immediately sniff a dog’s crotch and then begin humping him or her?
Where exactly are the genitals located on these shoes? How do I know if they’re male or female? Are they spayed or neutered?
Judging by this photo, I’d say these shoes are girls, as I see no sagging fur balls hanging low. Are the male version loafers for men?
Do these shoes make you randomly start humping people whenever the need arises? If so, that could be an explanation for Kim Kardashian’s hoe-bag behavior. The shoes did it!
Nah, she’s still a slut-bag.
Can you wear these shoes around cats or will they immediately get into a scuffle with any feline?
Will they randomly start chasing their tail? This is important information I need to know, as I already have enough challenges just walking normally without having my shoes break out into play.
Are they like most dogs and go crazy for bones? If so, what kind? Will they go crazy for the bones in my feet or are they looking for something more of the Nylabone variety?
Do they like to dig and bury bones? If so, I’m in trouble, as they’re already in the position to start digging to retrieve my metatarsals. Will they try to hide those or will they just gnaw on them until my feet are numb?
I guess if that’s the case, I can definitely say “These puppies are hurting my feet.”
Do these shoes know how to heel or do they also come in flats? (Yes, this was a bad pun. I know.)
How do I protect them from wear and tear? Do I give them a monthly flea dip?
Are these shoes trained to fetch the paper and my slippers on a Sunday morning, or will they stay in bed and hog the covers?
What do I do with them when I want to leave the house? Do I have to put them in a kennel or will they be good and not tear up the house?
I have so many questions about these shoes, none of which are answered. I guess I will never know unless I purchase a pair myself. Either way, I suspect they all have perfect soles…just like most dogs do.