We’ve all seen it by now; Miley Cyrus’s train wreck performance.

What’s that you say?  Which train wreck performance?

Good question.  Sorry I wasn’t more clear.

For purposes of this post, I’m referring to her performance at the 2013 MTV Music Video Awards.  I’m being quite generous with the term “perform.”  If she “performed” at these awards, then I “perform” a culinary masterpiece each night when I microwave frozen dinners and cover them with ketchup.

Because I’m super supportive, I’ve decided to write a few pointers for sweet and innocent Miley so she can learn from this experience and rise to her full potential…doing low grade porn.

1.  Look at yourself in the mirror before you make faces in public

Penises all over the world shriveled when she did this move.

Penises all over the world shriveled when she did this move.

This is NOT attractive.  Nothing about this is attractive.  I can’t imagine how you thought you were being sexy by doing this face.  Then again, I can’t imagine you thought your putting your hair into points to look like alien antennae was a good idea either.

2.  Please don’t take beauty advice from Amanda Bynes

The bra and underwear look doesn't work unless you have a bitchin' wig.

The bra and underwear look doesn’t work unless you have a bitchin’ wig.

I can only assume by your appearance that you conferred with your bestie, Amanda Bynes, about hair and makeup choices.  I’m shocked you were able to reach her while she is seeking psychiatric treatment, but I guess Amanda is just a loyal friend that way.

Either way, your choice of hair and make up was not your best.  Perhaps you should borrow one of Byne-Byne’s wigs and cover yourself.

3.  Don’t forget you have a vagina (or so it’s alleged)

What does she think she's grabbing?

What does she think she’s grabbing?

I’m not sure why you continually felt the need to grab your crotch and thrust it forward like a man would do with his balls.  Perhaps it’s from years of watching your father in skin tight jeans boot-scoot-boogy himself into the pants of women everywhere.

Fortunately, those restrictive pants lowered daddy’s sperm count so only a few spawns emerged.  It’s how the universe stayed balanced, and for that, we’re grateful.

However, thrusting your pelvis while grabbing your crotch is not something classy women typically do.  Leave that to the pros.  I believe Madonna has the market on that.

4. You have identity issues

In case you wondered what a bear's vagina looked like...

In case you wondered what a bear’s vagina looked like…

Forget the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana confusion, your identity issues span to different species.  You are not a bear, despite emerging on stage from a teddy bear’s vagina.  Wearing a leotard with a bear’s face on it does not make you a bear.  If everyone turned into what they wear, I would be Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville covered in peanut butter.

A girl can dream.

5.  If you’re going to lip sync, try to keep up with the words

You can hear the talent through this photo, can't you?

You can hear the talent through this photo, can’t you?

Might I suggest watching a few Milli Vanilli videos?  They were pros and their music was a lot better than yours.  If you’re looking for what not to do, check out Ashley Simpson’s performance on SNL.  Actually, just google Ashley Simpson and take it from there.

6.  The teddy bear backpack/purses from the 90s are not coming back

Now that's a backpack you could put some stuff in!

Now that’s a backpack you could put some stuff in!

Believe me, I wish they were.  Nothing says sophistication quite like a child’s toy stuffed with lip gloss and then strapped to your back.  Sadly, I’ve had no luck bringing back this trend, and putting life-sized stuffed bears on the backs of others isn’t going to help the cause.

7.  Read your audience

NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU!

NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU!

Maybe you don’t actually know how to read.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case, as you clearly didn’t read the reviews of your last album.  Either way, please learn how to know when your audience is bored.

Take a moment to stop humping whatever is nearby, and actually look at the faces of those you are supposed to be entertaining.

If you’re still confused, use this handy rule of thumb:  If you’re singing, dancing, or talking, your audience is bored.

This one makes me happy for so many reasons.

This one makes me happy for so many reasons.
(1) Boy band members? Check.
(2) Guy in background wearing oversized glasses? Check.
(3) JC Chasez trying not to laugh? Check.
(4) A photo of a woman in mid-passout of boredom? Check.
(5) Rhianna not being physically assaulted? Check.
(6) Justin Timberlake looking straight into my soul while everyone else looks elsewhere? CHECK! (please!)

And it’s a rule of thumb, not a rule of “giant foam finger that has nothing to do with anything other than to give you something else to hump while on stage.”

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MICKEY'S HAND, MILEY?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MICKEY’S HAND, MILEY?!

That’s it for now, Miley, mostly because my brain has turned to mush after watching your performance too many times.  I can only hope you take my advice so we can all avoid these incidents in the future.

Come to think of it, it’s more entertaining if you ignore my advice completely.  You obviously ignored the advice of your stylist.

P.S.  I can see your underwear.

EVEN MORE PEOPLE NOT INTO IT!

EVEN MORE PEOPLE NOT INTO IT!

25 Thoughts on “Pointers for Miley Cyrus’s 2013 MTV Music Video Awards Performance

  1. BRAVO! You are spot on and I only wish Ms. Cyrus could see this!
    I write erotica and was as mortified, as was most of the audience, by her idea of sexy.
    You my friend, said it all…I have to post this blog…everywhere 😉

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed my post! You’re so sweet to share it and I appreciate it very much. I suspect if Ms. Cyrus read my post she would probably think I was just a jealous old fart. The old fart part is totally true, but not the jealous part! Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing. 🙂

  2. Yeah, I wasn’t sure what that was all about…I didn’t watch it because…seriously?! I understood that both had been pretty obscene but hey, what’s the point of the VMA’s otherwise, huh?!
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  3. I didn’t watch it, but it seems like she’s gone of the deep end. I guess whatever sells, right? Pretty sad. I can tell you if she was my kid, I’d be pretty disappointed. Loved your line: If she “performed” at these awards, then I “perform” a culinary masterpiece each night when I microwave frozen dinners and cover them with ketchup. Well said.
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    • I also was pretty proud of that ketchup line too. 🙂

      I feel sorry for Miley in a lot of ways because I think she doesn’t know who she is. She knows she doesn’t want to be Hannah Montana, but other than that, I think she’s lost. I think this performance was a clear manifestation of that.

  4. Billy Ray Cyrus must be rolling in his grave.

    I heard Alan Thicke’s real son, Kirk Cameron, called for an emergency prayer conference to get Miley Cyrus into rehab for her obvious twerking problem.
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  5. Lisa,

    OMG!!!! You never fail to make me laugh hysterically. Thanks for making my day….again!

    Kelly

  6. Thanks for the giggle! I just can’t imagine how she thought any of that was entertaining or appealing – Eww! Have never been a fan but I actually hope that she is well and isn’t having some sort of life crisis. Train wreck? Hell, yes!
    Kaz @ Melting Moments just rambled about…{Recipe} Cheat’s Chicken, Basil and Tomato RisottoMy Profile

    • I’m glad I gave you a laugh! She really is a mess and part of me feels sorry for her because she’s clearly acting out for attention and has no idea who she is or who she wants to be. I’d like to think she can look back on this at some point and think “What was I doing?” I’m not sure she will though. Until she shaves her head and scratches cars with an umbrella, she may not hit rock bottom.

  7. Ha, this cracked me up! I loved how some dudes were looking away.

    Poor chick needs to keep her tongue in her mouth.
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  8. um who cares about the young girl why isn’t anyone discussing the fact a married father was grinding on this girl? gross.
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    • I didn’t think about it until you said it, but you’re right about Rob Thicke, although I suspect he didn’t necessarily want or plan for her to be grinding on him. I think she just did it on her own because she’s totally crazy.

  9. Hilari-ASS. I love the crowd reactions, you are too funny! Best Miley post I’ve seen, and there have been SO MANY! Even I blogged about her, and I rarely tough current events. She’s pretty much doing what everyone tries to do every year at the VMAs, from Katy Perry w/her whipped cream bewbies and Lady Gaga with her….everything, going back to Madonna and even back to Elvis’ pelvis, the music industry tries to shock us. This year was pretty horrific. I loved that Buzzfeed compared her to 22 things, one of the pictures compared her tight booty shorts, and resulting under-buns to the backside of a turkey. Creepily accurate!
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    • Aw, thanks Joy! I honestly laughed out loud when I was writing on that photo at the bottom. I actually brought myself to tears. I don’t know why I found my comments utterly hilarious, but I did. I usually don’t make myself laugh out loud, but I totally did with this one. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      I will also have to check out that buzzfeed post. That site is so brilliant.

  10. Nicole Ervin on August 30, 2013 at 8:40 pm said:

    HILARIOUS!!! I must point out though, that the outfit and foam finger are from the ‘Blurred Lines’ video which they slightly relevant, however, still awful!!!

    • I’m so glad you pointed that out! At least that’s ONE part of the whole thing that makes sense now. One tiny, miniscule part. Now, if you can explain her facial expressions and obsession with teddy bears, that would be great.

  11. That was so hilarious how everyone in the audience was just as shocked and completely agree with you there Lisa! I have been on many other websites about her performance and told my point of view already, and mine was a bit similar to yours. She made a fool out of herself and probably only did it to get attention because that’s what she does. And to think some people such as Justin Timberlake are DEFENDING her!!! just makes it 10 times worse! Ere What she did was just vile and embarrassing. I kind of feel sorry for the girl because I don’t think that she really knows who she is at the moment. And you make me laugh in stitches! I love your writing so much 🙂

  12. I haven’t seen it, but I get the gist from hearing lots about it. As far as I’m concerned, if you’ve got the talent, there should be no need to perform like this to get attention. Thanks for the amusing post 🙂
    Alicia just rambled about…A morning in Glenelg #openslatherMy Profile

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