Lessons I’ve learned from Anthony Weiner
By now you’re all sick of the Weiner scandal. I know I am. Everywhere I look, Weiner is plastered everywhere, and not just because I live in a house with 3 male dogs and a husband. (Okay, partially because of that.)
Weinergate is all anyone can talk about, probably because people like to say Weiner. Hell, I love typing Weiner, which is part of the reason I decided to write a blog post dedicated to Weiner.
Is Weiner a word that’s scandalous in itself? Apparenty so, at least if the Weiner’s first name is Anthony.
Everyone is getting down on Weiner, and many people don’t like him at all. I feel bad for Weiner, as I think he’s a product of having his head in the wrong place.
Some say Weiner should grow some balls and accept his actions as at least a 7 on the Dichter Scale, but I’m not so quick to judge. Although I may not agree with where Weiner inserts himself at times, I’ve learned a thing or two from him.
1. Having the last name Weiner is awesome.
I never really thought about it before, but having the last name Weiner is truly amaze-balls. You can be as cocky as you want to be with a name like that. No one’s going to want to make the Weiner angry.
The only thing that would be better than having the last name Weiner would be having the last name Dicks. For some reason, that sounds like a last name that lets everyone know the holder of said name is awesome.
2. Make sure the photos of your genitalia are delivered via snail mail.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve randomly tweeted or sent photos of my nether-regions to complete strangers. Okay, I can tell you, the number of times is zero, mostly because I don’t understand Twitter and my email has been blocked by many of you.
Regardless, the take away lesson from Weinersville is that if you’re going to send photos of your middle-aged junk, send it via US mail. That way someone gets a package with a photo of your package, and you keep government jobs going. Win-Win.
3. If you get caught doing something bad, just keep doing it.
What are the chances of getting caught a second time for doing the exact same thing? Sure, Weiner sent photos of his mini-Weiner in 2010, but why not try again in 2013 with another round of sausagefest?
Who would think he’d get caught again with his pants down with nothing but his…ahem…camera in his hand? Talk about a guy with his Weiner in a vice.
At least he’s learned something from this second round: He’s upgraded to a higher resolution camera. If he didn’t at least do that, it would be a real dick-move on his part.
4. If you’re going to engage in the same activity again, use an alias.
Weiner couldn’t resist sending dick pics again in 2013, but that time he started thinking with his other head. He decided to send them under an alias. What was his alias? Carlos Danger.
I’m not kidding. Perhaps he thought no one would figure out his secret identity, and even the best private dic wouldn’t be able to break through. He thought his disguise wasn’t capable of being penetrated. He was wrong.
Maybe he should stick to Danger as his middle name.
5. Weiner may argue he has “Keys to the City” but he needs a different set of keys.
Weiner’s campaign says he has the “Keys to the City.” I’m not sure if that’s true, but he definitely should get a security key for wireless internet. Maybe then he wouldn’t get bent over by the American people.
Perhaps the most important set of keys he needs is the keys to his bedroom. He should find them, go in there, and lock the door. Forever.
6. No one likes a dirty Weiner.
Everyone wants to believe Weiner is clean, but his actions say otherwise. It’s hard for Weiner to cleanse his reputation when he’s been dirty for so long. Can a dirty Weiner come clean? Not according to what I heard from the guys in the Sigma Chi house in college.
Like him or hate him, one thing’s for certain; his actions aroused attention, which is what politics is all about. Should this be a private matter? I’m not sure, but it’s certainly a sensitive area.
If you ask me though, his strategy is a pure stroke of genius.