photo credit: Boss Tweed via photopin cc

photo credit: Boss Tweed via photopin cc

By now you’re all sick of the Weiner scandal.  I know I am.  Everywhere I look, Weiner is plastered everywhere, and not just because I live in a house with 3 male dogs and a husband.  (Okay, partially because of that.)

Weinergate is all anyone can talk about, probably because people like to say Weiner.  Hell, I love typing Weiner, which is part of the reason I decided to write a blog post dedicated to Weiner.

Is Weiner a word that’s scandalous in itself?  Apparenty so, at least if the Weiner’s first name is Anthony.

Everyone is getting down on Weiner, and many people don’t like him at all.  I feel bad for Weiner, as I think he’s a product of having his head in the wrong place.

Some say Weiner should grow some balls and accept his actions as at least a 7 on the Dichter Scale, but I’m not so quick to judge.  Although I may not agree with where Weiner inserts himself at times, I’ve learned a thing or two from him.

photo credit: ChrisBailey85 via photopin cc

photo credit: ChrisBailey85 via photopin cc

1.  Having the last name Weiner is awesome.

I never really thought about it before, but having the last name Weiner is truly amaze-balls.  You can be as cocky as you want to be with a name like that.  No one’s going to want to make the Weiner angry.

The only thing that would be better than having the last name Weiner would be having the last name Dicks.  For some reason, that sounds like a last name that lets everyone know the holder of said name is awesome.

2.  Make sure the photos of your genitalia are delivered via snail mail.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve randomly tweeted or sent photos of my nether-regions to complete strangers.  Okay, I can tell you, the number of times is zero, mostly because I don’t understand Twitter and my email has been blocked by many of you.

Regardless, the take away lesson from Weinersville is that if you’re going to send photos of your middle-aged junk, send it via US mail.  That way someone gets a package with a photo of your package, and you keep government jobs going.  Win-Win.

JUST A WEINER AND HIS BALL. photo credit: mich&pics via photopin cc

photo credit: mich&pics via photopin cc

3.  If you get caught doing something bad, just keep doing it.

What are the chances of getting caught a second time for doing the exact same thing?  Sure, Weiner sent photos of his mini-Weiner in 2010, but why not try again in 2013 with another round of sausagefest?

Who would think he’d get caught again with his pants down with nothing but his…ahem…camera in his hand? Talk about a guy with his Weiner in a vice.

At least he’s learned something from this second round:  He’s upgraded to a higher resolution camera.  If he didn’t at least do that, it would be a real dick-move on his part.

HOW THE WEINER GETS AROUND.  AND OH, HOW HE GETS AROUND. photo credit: bijoubaby via photopin cc

HOW THE WEINER GETS AROUND. AND OH, HOW HE GETS AROUND. photo credit: bijoubaby via photopin cc

4.  If you’re going to engage in the same activity again, use an alias.

Weiner couldn’t resist sending dick pics again in 2013, but that time he started thinking with his other head.  He decided to send them under an alias.  What was his alias?  Carlos Danger.

I’m not kidding.  Perhaps he thought no one would figure out his secret identity, and even the best private dic wouldn’t be able to break through.  He thought his disguise wasn’t capable of being penetrated.  He was wrong.

Maybe he should stick to Danger as his middle name.

5.  Weiner may argue he has “Keys to the City” but he needs a different set of keys.

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

Weiner’s campaign says he has the “Keys to the City.”  I’m not sure if that’s true, but he definitely should get a security key for wireless internet.  Maybe then he wouldn’t get bent over by the American people.

Perhaps the most important set of keys he needs is the keys to his bedroom.  He should find them, go in there, and lock the door.  Forever.

6.  No one likes a dirty Weiner.

Everyone wants to believe Weiner is clean, but his actions say otherwise.  It’s hard for Weiner to cleanse his reputation when he’s been dirty for so long.  Can a dirty Weiner come clean?  Not according to what I heard from the guys in the Sigma Chi house in college.

Like him or hate him, one thing’s for certain; his actions aroused attention, which is what politics is all about. Should this be a private matter?  I’m not sure, but it’s certainly a sensitive area.

If you ask me though, his strategy is a pure stroke of genius.

26 Thoughts on “Lessons I’ve learned from Anthony Weiner

  1. Awesome. On so many levels…Lexi told me to tell you she approves.
    TAM just rambled about…Happy Birthday Faith!My Profile

  2. Too good. He doesn’t deserve your funnies. Then again maybe that’s all he’s good for is a laugh. Good one Lisa.
    Sandra Sallin just rambled about…MIRROR, MIRRORMy Profile

    • Oh Sandra, you’re too sweet! And yes, I think he’s good for a laugh and that’s about it. Oh, and a text message. He’s always good for a text message…or so I’ve heard.

  3. I think it was a mistake for Weiner to not reach out across the aisle for the help of John Boehner. Things have been hard for Boehner. What they both need is a good strong Weiner/Boehner initiative to stimulate public opinion.

    • Why didn’t I go the Boehner route?! I’m disappointed in myself. I thought about saying something like “he’s a real boner” but then forgot about it.

      This is why I need you to keep me on my toes! Maybe I should send you my posts before I publish them….

      • You’re always welcome to put your dick jokes in my inbox…wait that didn’t sound right. Dick jokes are right up my alley…oh no. I really know how to work a good dick joke…no good either. I really know how to make a wiener joke shine…crap! this is getting bad. I need to get my delete key fixed before this gets in someone’s eyes.
        Brian just rambled about…I don’t want to know.My Profile

  4. Bwahaha, this is hilarious and a great way to start the week. Clearly both of Weiner’s heads were in the clouds with this one. And Weiner is a pretty great word. On a somewhat unrelated (but related) note, a few weeks ago I read a book with dachshunds in it to the 3-year-old I work with, and kept saying “It’s a weiner dog!” I couldn’t help chuckling to myself every time he said that.
    Bev just rambled about…Lucky Numbers and Crazy CoincidencesMy Profile

  5. You, my friend, are a pure “stroke of genius.” Now I’m going to have “Weiner” stuck in my head all day 😉
    Carpool Goddess just rambled about…Dropping Your Child Off At College (Without Losing Your Mind)My Profile

    • Hee hee. Weiner. It never stops being funny, does it? Sadly, I didn’t write notes for this post or anything. I just started typing and all these weiner jokes just started spurting out…;-)

  6. Smohawk on August 19, 2013 at 8:00 pm said:

    Congrats on fitting that many dick jokes into one column… You know that I approve!! Personally I think Weiner is getting the shaft, even if his wife isn’t!! Also, I’m proud of you that you left Elliot Spitzer scandal alone and swallowed your pride!!

    P.S. I think Dicks would be a badass last name

    • AHHH!!! I’m sad I didn’t think of those other jokes! I bet you could think of more. I bet that’s just the tip….

      I also think Dicks would be a badass last name. I’m pretty sure any female with that last name would be an amazing specimen of a woman, and a hero to all.

  7. Funny! He’s a danger to himself for sure. I can imagine a dic-tionary where his photo is next to Weiner, in between wayward and weird! What a wanker lol.
    Alicia just rambled about…A sculptureMy Profile

    • Dic-tionary! I missed that pun. Good catch! I saw something about the Weinster the other day and I realized I couldn’t hold back anymore. I had to write about him.

      He’s so inspiring, isn’t he? I mean, not at all for the way he wants to be inspiring, but in the way he gives me easy ideas for blog posts.

      In that way he is SUPER inspiring.

      You’ve also reminded me I need to incorporate “wanker” into my vocabulary. Thank you for that. 🙂

  8. You are the QUEEN of the double entendre. I’m dying over here.
    Kathy Shea Mormino, The Chicken Chick just rambled about…Nest Box Solution: CHICK TVMy Profile

    • Ha! After I wrote it I thought of a few more that I was bummed I didn’t use. I’m sure he will make an ass of himself again and I can do another one.

      OMG! Ass. I just did it again. I can’t stop!

  9. Something tells me you could have extended this post another few inches – you deserve an Oscar (Mayer)!
    SmackOfHam just rambled about…The BlackoutMy Profile

  10. I didn’t realize the depth and breadth of your talent, Ms. Newlin. This? This right here is poetry. 😉
    whencrazymeetsexhaustion just rambled about…Oversharing: When Bodies AttackMy Profile

  11. So many Wiener jokes…so little time…

    Although I have to say that this was my favorite part:
    “Weiner is plastered everywhere, and not just because I live in a house with 3 male dogs and a husband.”

    I can relate, but that’s ‘cus I’m currently at college so…yeah….
    Peter Licari just rambled about…Why do we have 24 hours in a day?My Profile

    • I’m glad you liked that line because I actually thought it was kind of a throw away. I’m glad you were able to see the humor in it. It’s true, though. I’m surrounded by wieners.

      If you live in an all male dorm, you’re pretty much being overcome by wieners.

      Wait….that didn’t come out right…..(that’s what she said)

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