ninja momFrickety Frick, people!  I’m this month’s assassin in the Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/.  She’s a big deal and has a hilarious blog and I’m actually still in shock that she enlisted me to be an assassin.  I wonder if I get paid in Skittles.

I wonder if I can get paid in Skittles.

In case you’re not “in the know,” The Character Assassination Carousel is a monthly murder of a children’s book.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  This month, I’m mocking “Where’s Waldo?

I know, it’s an easy target, but I’m an easy girl.

Wait…that came out wrong…

ENJOY!

WHERE’S WALDO? 

Where's Waldo-I don’t have kids, which is probably for the best, but doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my monthly subscription to Highlights Magazine, or an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.  (He lives in a Pineapple, people!  UNDER THE SEA!)

If only enjoying children’s TV shows could get me into the pre-boarding spot at the airport.  Apparently you actually have to have kids with you for that.  Pfft!

Despite my lack of little ones, I still enjoy the beloved “Where’s Waldo?” books***.  Why wouldn’t I?  Each edition is visually stimulating, and even more maddening than the next.

***NOTE:  If any of you would like to peruse one of these fine pieces of literature, I would recommend purchasing one for yourself.  In my experience, parents frown upon strangers looking over their child’s shoulder pointing out Waldo.  This activity can get you escorted out of the airport and placed on some sort of watch list.  Hypothetically, of course.***

photo credit: rhett maxwell via photopin cc

photo credit: rhett maxwell via photopin cc

However, with my love of tracking down the elusive Waldo comes a series of questions.  I’m demanding answers and hoping to get more than “Because Waldo is awesome.” (Thanks for that enlightening tid-bit, Mom.)

I deserve better than that, and so do the fine kids who are looking for him.

For those of you not on the same heightened literary plane as me, “Where’s Waldo?” is a series of picture books where the reader is summoned to find Waldo in a sea of people, places and things.

It’s harder than it sounds, as Waldo is a master of disguise, which is probably why his books have been so successful; his mortgage payment depends on not being able to locate him easily.

So the first obvious question I have is “Where’s Waldo?”  Although you may be able to locate him on paper, as far as I know, no one has ever met this mysterious fellow.  We’ve only seen his meme.

photo credit: palindrome6996 via photopin cc

photo credit: palindrome6996 via photopin cc

Does he ever go out in public as himself?  He doesn’t do book signings or publicity junkets, which truly speaks volumes to the success of his books.  Most publicists demand such things to drive sales.  Maybe he just doesn’t need it.

Really though, where is he?

Honestly, I hope he’s in prison, because that guy is probably a pedophile and shouldn’t be featured in children’s books anyway.

Something about him hiding in plain sight just creeps me out and makes me wonder if he’s housing a stash of fingers in a hope chest in his basement.

If no one has ever met him, do we know if he’s a real person? Maybe he’s the mythical Keyser Soze of children’s books.**

**Where’s Waldo? books are not only children’s books.  They’re also books for a highly sophisticated writer who writes a fascinating and hilarious blog http://lisanewlin.com.  I’m just saying.

photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

Since we don’t know who he is, the next logical question is “Why, Waldo?  Why are you hiding?

The first reason that comes to mind is that he’s on the lamb.  For what?  I’m not sure, but I have a feeling it has to do with loan sharking.  I just have a hunch.

Trust me on this.

Why is he so intent on hiding?  I suspect it’s because he’s wanted by Interpol, which would make sense, as his travels span many continents.  Has anyone ever considered looking at his passport?  Is his name listed as only “Waldo” and nothing more?

How did he get to be so good at hiding?  What do we know about this Waldo guy, anyway?  We allow his likeness to come into our homes and sit on our coffee tables and backs of toilets, yet we know so little about him and his profession.

Is he a spy?  Where did he get his mad hiding skills?  Was it from years of playing hide and seek with his siblings?  Does he have siblings?  Did he assassinate them at a young age?  Is that why he’s on the lamb?

Now, I realize this next question may seem to be off topic, but follow it through.  “Why is he always wearing the same sweater?

It seems to me that if you want to blend in, wearing the same red and white striped sweater isn’t the best way to become a wallflower (unless you’re in a candy cane-themed room.  Then it’s truly the only way to become a wallflower).

photo credit: walknboston via photopin cc

photo credit: walknboston via photopin cc

Either way, I would think frequent costume changes would assist in avoiding detection.  Does he have several of those same sweaters, or is he just wearing the exact same outfit everyday?

I hope for everyone’s sake he has several of the same sweaters and he swaps them out every few days.

Otherwise, he’d be easy to locate based purely on body odor alone.  I suspect all that evading authorities would cause one to perspire, and if that sweater is a polyester blend, it will hold onto a stench until the end of time.

And what about those glasses?  Why not switch those up every now and again too?  I know the hipster look is in style at the moment (arguably), but shouldn’t he consider rocking some different frames to avoid detection?  Maybe he should get some contacts too.  Does he have a condition preventing a change in eyewear?  Those astigmatisms can be a real bitch.

And yet, despite all of my questions, he continues to evade all of us, and in a strange way, I say “Bravo to you, Waldo, if that is your real name.

On second thought, maybe he doesn’t skirt all of us.  Maybe it’s just my prying eyes he manages to avoid.  But then again, my eyes are usually filtered through a hazy film of vodka, so perhaps he isn’t as elusive as he thinks he is.

 

photo credit: Lynn Friedman via photopin <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/"

photo credit: Lynn Friedman via photopin

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

I’m not sure if this is on the up-and-up to disclose other assassins, as I don’t know if assassins have an oath of silence.  I guess we will all find out soon if I mysteriously go missing.  For now, I shall ignore Omerta and tell you who the previous assassin was.  It was my friend Sarah at The Sadder But Wiser Girl.

Sadder but wiser

 

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com/

She’s guest posted on my page before, and she’s awesome and hilarious.  If you go visit her, and you should, tell her I sent you.  Please also tell her our secret code she knows you’re legit. It’s Character Assassin Carousel.

It’s so obvious no one will guess it.  Let’s keep that password our little secret.

Who is the next assassin?

http://moms.fortwayne.com/?q=blogs/blog/3-rivers-2-kids

Her name is Bonnie Blackburn.  The name alone suggests her character assassin will be brilliant!

34 Thoughts on “Where’s Waldo? Seriously. Where Is He?

  1. Love it and you. 🙂

    A few reasons for my adoration:
    1- I frequently bring Waldo up in conversation… seriously why is he on the lamb. He has almost as many people looking for him as people trying to find Jesus…. maybe they are together, if you know what I mean?!
    2- You mentioned Keyser Soze! That means you rock on a whole other level. 🙂
    3- I just wrote a poem about a Wallflower.
    Wordifull Melanie just rambled about…WallflowerMy Profile

  2. You have done good, lady. More than good. GREAT. I love it. My fave line, barely edging out the Soze reference, is this:

    “Bravo to you, Waldo, if that is your real name.”

    Thanks for playing! You killed it. Ah-ha, ah-ha, ahem. A pun at this time in the morning? I do live on the edge.
    Nicole Leigh Shaw just rambled about…Parenting rhetoricMy Profile

  3. They may guess the secret code. but that secret handshake we came up with is really difficult to master…
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…Twisted Mixtape Tuesday Bathtub Time Machine: The 80s, This List Goes To 11My Profile

  4. Waldo is most definitely a spy on the run. Very sneaky of those interpole guys to set up a book series that would enable children around the world to help them find him.
    Tracie just rambled about…Breakfast Is Code For DessertMy Profile

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  6. I suspect that Waldo is like one of those maniacal serial killers who pretends to be soooo clever– but is secretly hoping to be found. The guilt of whatever he did is causing a psychosomatic pain in his leg, thus explaining the cane. But he can’t stop. It’s a compulsion now, an instinct. His hiding in crowds, doing god knows what. Maybe he’s a hactivist. Maybe he’s a spy. Maybe he’s a murderer. Maybe he was framed and he holds onto the guilt for irrational reasons. I don’t know who or what he is, but for some reason the fact that he eludes us makes him so goddamn enigmatic.

    God’s Speed, Waldo. Wherever you are.
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    • Ha! I love the psychosomatic pain in the leg! It really would explain the use of the cane, as he doesn’t have a limp, or at least not one that’s noticeable in still drawings.

  7. OMG…I lost it between Waldo being the mythical Keyser Soze of children’s books and a pedophile. I can’t stopping laughing…so flipping creative and awesome. I hated Waldo, because I could NEVER find him.
    karen just rambled about…SPELLING and COUNTING – Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

    • I LOVE that you enjoyed it so much! Thank you for reading and commenting. And come on, now that you think about it, isn’t the only logical conclusion that he’s a pedophile? Yeah, it is.

  8. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
    “Spongebob squarepants”
    Absorbant and yellow and porous is he
    “Spongebob Squarepants”
    If nautical nonsense be something you wish
    “Spongebob Squarepants”
    Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish
    “Spongebob Squarepants”
    READY
    Spongebob squarepants
    Spongebob squarepants
    Spongebob squarepants

    SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! AH AHH AHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH…

    Sorry, you got the song stuck in my head, so I thought I’d share. 😉

    My guess is Waldo is always hiding because he’s embarrassed to be seen wearing that goofy sweater and hat All. The. Time. that he was guilted into wearing by his mother since his grandmother knit them for him. 🙂
    Stacy Uncorked just rambled about…Princess Nagger’s Portal ObsessionMy Profile

  9. Loved it! I had to laugh at the polyester really holds onto a stench – awesome 🙂 I agree he totally is on the lamb. And shouldn’t he switch out that damn winter hat with the pom ball on it to something a little more stealth like a baseball hat?

    • Polyester DOES hold onto a stench! It’s why I won’ t go to the gym anymore. It makes my gym clothes smell bad.

      Yep. That’s why I don’t go to the gym anymore….

  10. I think Waldo is commitment shy and has broken hearts all over the world. That sweater is probably made by Under Armor so he can wear it no matter how hot or how cold and it’s easy to throw on when he’s sneaking out of a woman’s apartment at 3am. The hat is to cover the incessant bed head and I’m guessing because of his sexual addiction, he needs to the cane just to remain upright. Just a guess.
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Road Trippin’ – Or Maybe That Was Just Me!My Profile

  11. What a totally great assassination! I think you are so right about asking a far more relevant question, why Waldo? Totally agree about the outfit as well. I’ve noticed Dexter always wears the same tight khaki v shirt whenever he goes on “a job”. Just sayin’.
    Katia just rambled about…BlogHer VOTY 2013My Profile

    • I never noticed that about Dexter but I think you might be right. Maybe Waldo is an international version of Dexter and really is just a killing machine.

      Come to think of it, they both go by only one name. All the signs are there!

  12. Waldo is problem a high school chemistry teacher by day, international spy by night. And on the weekends, he likes to go bowling. Seems legit.
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  13. Dona on July 4, 2013 at 8:51 am said:

    Ok. I’m hooked. Your mention of Keyser Sose hooked me for life. Was that not the best movie? OK..excuse me while I look for a way to subscribe to your blog. Dona

  14. I always just figured that Waldo was actually on a lifelong journey to find himself…
    Emelie just rambled about…Bunnies Are Evil and They’re Robbing Me Blind.My Profile

  15. This was great. In fact, I think instead of reading Waldo to my kid tomorrow, I’ll just read this post to him. That’s good parenting, right? Congrats on your assassination, when I heard you were up I knew you would kick ass.

    • I think you’re a great parent and my blog is DEFINITELY kid-friendly. I mean, sometimes I do my own drawings, so this blog is pretty much an animated book. See? Good parenting!

  16. Krissy on July 8, 2013 at 2:43 am said:

    Why do I just know you were having a blast trying to find the Boston bombers in all of the crowd photos…. No pun intended, swear. I can just see you trying to find them haha

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