photo (75)My husband I just went to Las Vegas for a “vacation.”  I use the term loosely because my idea of vacation is chilling by the pool, reading a book and silently judging the women who think they look good in a thong bikini.  (They don’t.)

Vegas is the opposite of that, with the exception of women in thong bikinis.  There’s lots of those.  There’s also lots of men in thong bikinis too.

Vegas doesn’t discriminate.

I’d never been to Vegas so I didn’t know what to expect.  When I arrived I was overwhelmed and wish someone would have prepared me for the shit show I was stepping into.

Because I’m good to you like that, I’ve made a list of a few things you should know if you are going to Vegas.  I’d like to prevent others from experiencing the horror that was my first time there.

Here it goes…

1.  There’s shopping.  Lots and lots of shopping

photo credit: Marshall Astor - Food Fetishist via photopin cc<

My favorite indulgence!
photo credit: Marshall Astor – Food Fetishist via photopin cc<

I’m a fan of capitalism and free market, but Vegas is ridiculous when it comes to shopping.  Not only are there shops and stores everywhere you go, there are people on the street corners hawking everything from water bottles to free cds of their music.

Right, like the guy in the street with the stinky pits and the nasty teeth is going to be the next big music star.

Wait. Is that how Kid Rock was discovered?

Vegas doesn’t just slap you in the face with commerce, it punches you in the nose and then the stomach, and while you’re keeled over in pain, it gives you an atomic wedgie….and then it charges you for the experience.

Make sure you bring cash; not only for the shopping, but also for the alcohol you will need to numb the pain of the sucker punch to the wallet.

2.  Penny slots aren’t actually penny slots

My winnings!

My winnings!

Don’t be fooled!  Remember #1 above where I talked about how commerce bitch slaps you?  (I hope so, as it was only a few lines ago.  If you’ve forgotten, you should probably see a doctor about that.)

Although the penny slots say they’re a penny, they’re big fat liars with their pants on fire.  While it’s true they take pennies, it takes 40 of them for one spin of the slot, or in this high tech world, a push of a button.

There is no other option other than to bet $0.40 a spin.  Maybe if you’re a high roller you can afford such ridiculousness.  I, however, cannot, partly because of item #3.

3.  Everything costs a million dollars

These nachos, a margarita and a mojito at the pool cost $70.00...BEFORE TIP!

These nachos, a margarita and a mojito at the pool cost $70.00…BEFORE TIP!

Want a small Diet Coke fountain soda?  That will be $5.00 plus tip.

What about a small bottle of water?  That will also be $5.00 plus tip.

Neither comes with a happy ending.  Believe me, I asked.  For that price, I’d expect at least a butt grab, but the waiter was NOT on board with my advances.

Before you come out to Vegas, might I recommend taking out a second mortgage on your house just to pay for dinner and drinks?  And don’t eat too much, as that will force you to go to the restroom.

Although Vegas charges you for every single indulgence, they can’t seem to put anything other than 2-ply toilet paper in the restrooms.

You probably have to pay extra for additional ply.

4.  Bling is everywhere

bling at pool

This is an actual photo of someone at one of the pools in Vegas. BLING!

Make sure you pack your sunglasses because it gets extra bright when the sun reflects off the sequined bikinis at the pool.

I’m not sure if it’s a requirement in Vegas that all women be adorned with glitter, sequins or rhinestones, but I suspect it is.  From teenagers to grandmas, nearly every woman sparkles with the finest rhinestones Hobby Lobby has to offer.

Here’s a tip:  Pack a glue gun with extra glue sticks.

You can make a killing offering to glue fallen sequins back on outfits.  You should probably offer to glue the legs shut of some of these sparkling women, although I wouldn’t recommend going anywhere near their jackpot.

You will NOT come out a winner, I can assure you.

5.  There aren’t free drinks on the casino floor

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pablito_garza/8360706964/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pablito_garza/8360706964/

Contrary to popular belief, you aren’t served free alcohol while you’re gambling.  They make you pay for that too.  (See #3 above.)

Come to think of it, perhaps they give out free drinks, but only to people betting more than $0.40 a spin on the Airplane! slot machine. (The slot machine is just as much fun as the movie, although it doesn’t say “Surely you can’t be serious,” when you bet the minimum. Wouldn’t it be cool if it did?)

That’s all the tips I have for Vegas virgins.  The irony of that sentence is that no one in Vegas is a virgin.  No one.

If you’d like one final overriding tip, might I suggest you go somewhere else for your trip and avoid Vegas all together?

Yes, I might.

Things you should kow before going to Vegas

23 Thoughts on “Things you should know if you’re going to Las Vegas

  1. Awww come on! I swear Vegas isn’t really that bad! =)

    Once you’re off the Strip it’s actually not a bad place to be. Hanging out on the Strip can drive pretty much ANYONE nuts. That’s why most of us locals avoid it like the plague unless we have to go there for some reason.

    If you do decide to brave Vegas again, check out Fremont Street. A bit tamer and less expensive than the Strip.
    Kim just rambled about…An Update on Reading GoalsMy Profile

    • Everyone is saying that about Fremont Street and I’m bummed I didn’t know about that before. It sounds like it’s a lot more our speed.

      My speed on vacation isn’t a speed at all. It’s actually just a parked position.

  2. Definitely, the strip is nasty. There are other things to do there, not on the strip. How about a 4-wheeler desert ride, or other attractions/activities. (I can’t think of any other excursions!! haha) I used to visit a friend there often, and it is nice off the strip. The strip is everything you said. I’ve been there ten too many times. NOT a ‘vacation’ spot.

    Where did you stay? Just think of the stories you get to tell. 🙂
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    • We stayed at the Aria which is a super nice place. He had to do stuff for work so we didn’t have time to do the stuff I would have preferred to do, like dune buggy driving or hot air balloon rides. We were pretty limited to the strip and that just wasn’t my cup of $10 tea.

  3. Aw did you have fun though? How long were you there? I went a couple of years ago for two nights and that was just the right amount of time. I don’t think I could have handled any longer!
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    • We went from Saturday to Wednesday and that was enough for us. We had a good time because we always have a good time together, but I definitely won’t return unless someone else is paying for ALL of it!

  4. I’m glad I read this. My husband and I are planning on taking a short vacation in a couple weeks and Vegas was one of the places on the list. After reading this, I’m thinking it’s not somewhere he would want to go. Me? I’m ok with getting slapped in the face with commercialism and I love judging girls in sparkles and sequins.
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    • You would love Vegas if you enjoy being assaulted by commerce. It’s pretty much your mecca.

      I just didn’t dig it. I know, I’m crazy, but you knew that already!

  5. Great work, sweetie! Hopefully this will dissuade some people from visiting what I like to call America’s taint.

  6. 1. I’ve gotten lost in those shops before. It was frightening.
    2. Penny slots can bite me. I lost 20 buck once. Not on the slots – I just lost 20 bucks, but I blame the slots just the same. I’m sure they had something to do with it.
    3. TRUTH. What is with that toilet paper?? It’s like it’s made out of the dessert in which Vegas resides!! Then again, maybe the toilet paper stockers in Vegas realized that almost everyone there has something going on down in their toilet bits, so it’s best to just not waste the fancy stuff on the disease-ridden hoohas.
    4. KE$HA
    5. That’s when you instigate the DRINK AND RUN. Works every time.
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  7. I’ve never had to pay for a drink on the casino floor, what’s up with that?! I don’t play anything crazy either. I do however end up tipping my life away because in Vegas, everyone gets tipped. It’s a totally different world out there but it’s so fun! Like any vacation, everything costs a ton of money. I remember in Waikiki my starbucks drink was two dollars more than I normally pay at home. Everyone rips off a tourist.
    Rebeccafaith just rambled about…One Happy MamaMy Profile

    • I think I must not have looked like a big spender on the casino floor because those waitresses didn’t go near me! I guess they figured I was getting ripped off enough with my $5.00 coffee.

      It was so thoughtful of them.

  8. Great heads up! My husband and I were thinking of going there for our 10th anniversary next year. Perhaps I will check out the Poconos, Niagara Falls or wherever else people used to go to for anniversary trips!
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  9. Bad movies and terrible literature taught me that anyone who glitters or sparkles is a vampire. Glad you made it out alive.
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  10. At that rate, I’d spend my $20 in one minute flat because I’m such a huge spender. Luckily, I’ve never been that attracted to Vegas, and you’ve just confirmed it for me. Scratch that off my bucket list.
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  11. OMG! Your hubs said “American’s taint” and I almost died laughing. Then I read “Ke$ha’s happy place” and giggled snorted (not good because I’m at work). Hubs was saying we should “do Vegas” now that our youngest is in high school. I’m thinking, um, no. Thanks for the warning!!
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    • It really is America’s taint, although I’m sure there are people who like that sort of things (both the taint and Vegas). It definitely wasn’t my cup of extremely overpriced tea.

  12. I love your comedic voice, but Vegas really isn’t so bad. Just the strip is bad; which is why those of us that actually live here almost never go there! 😉

    And lots of casinos DO serve free drinks to those playing on the casino floor – especially locals casinos like Red Rock Station and Suncoast. Oh, and locals definitely don’t pay $5 for Diet Cokes either. Go anywhere more than 5 minutes off the Strip and you’ll get regularly priced refreshments, I promise!

    Anywho, I found you through the Bloglovin’ Hop! I’m a new follower! I hope you’ll come over to Desert Momma to follow me too! Thanks!

    • OF COURSE I will check you out! I love that you actually took the time to read my post instead of saying something like. “Newest follower here. Love your blog. Come see me at ……”

      Those annoy the crap out of me!

      And I definitely needed you before I went to Vegas. It pained me to pay $5.00 plus tip for a Diet Coke, but a girl’s gotta get her fix sometimes!

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m heading over now. 🙂

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