North West's guide to living with a horrible nameAs you know Kim Kardashian and Kayne West’s baby has entered this world via Kim’s money maker, and she’s already one!

I’m calling North “Baby Karwestian” mostly because it sure as hell beats what they named her in real life…

North West.  They named their spawn North West.

Just when I think those two can’t get any dumber, they go and totally surprise me with this ridiculousness.  I guess they’re overachievers in that sense.  I think it’s a fair assumption that they’re both idiots.  In case you need persuading, here’s some evidence.

Exhibit A for Kim:  Every single variation of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney take Miami, Khloe and Kris take My Brain Cells, etc.

Exhibit A for Kayne:  His incoherent rant during the Red Cross fundraiser for Katrina victims.

As if Baby Karwestian doesn’t already have the Gucci playing cards stacked against her based upon her DNA, she has to go through life saddled with the name North West.

photo credit: Leo Reynolds via photopin cc

photo credit: Leo Reynolds via photopin cc

I can only hope for her sake that she’s similar to the math phenomenon that two negatives make a positive.

Here’s to hoping North West turns those negatives into positives…and that she turns her father into the authorities for being a total douchebag.

That’s a crime, right?  If so, he’s Public Enemy Number One.  Come to think of it, he’d probably conceed that just because he is confident he’s the best at everything in the world;  Just ask him.

I’ve been thinking about poor North West and all the horrible teasing she’s going to get based solely on that horrid name.

What’s worse is she’s destined to have an enormous booty, which will most likely be yet another topic of ridicule.  That’s a blog post for another day.

North West is going to learn how to handle being mocked for her name.  Sure, she could turn to kids who have gone before her, like Rumor Willis and Apple Martin, but I’d like to do my part to help too.

In an effort to prepare North West for the inevitable bullying she will receive, here are a few things I think kids will say to make fun of her ridiculous and directionally challenged name.

I can practically hear the kids yelling these taunts in the school yard.  Or, in her case, in the paparazzi-ridden private school at the oxygen bar where all the kids take their recess.  It’s right after yoga and colonics…between third and fourth period.

(When else would you do a colonic? After lunch?  Pft!)

Here are some nicknames:

  • North by Northwest (it’s a play on South by Southwest.  I feel like I have to spell that one out for you.)
  • South East.  (I find this one hilarious, as it’s the exact opposite of North West.  Get it?  South East?)

Here are a few jokes I can imagine the kids telling;

  • Where’s the best place to get <insert various sexual favors here>? North West.
  • Guess who likes to go ‘down south?’  North West.”
  • “Do you know where the entire football team goes after practice?  Up North West.” (Okay, I realize the majority of these are about her being a hoe-bag, but come on.  If the extremely overpriced shoe fits…hopefully it won’t.)
  • “Northwest Airlines:  We put our junk in the trunk.”

Like them? Please tell me you have better ideas for nicknames and jokes for North West. I know you guys are far more creative than I am.

 

photo credit: premasagar via photopin cc

photo credit: premasagar via photopin cc

We need to band together and come up with all the possible nicknames and jokes for North West, so we can tell her what they are and prepare her for the inevitable ribbing that will come her way.  And it won’t be the kind of ribbing that’s for her pleasure, I assure you.

Now tell me what you’re thinking!

31 Thoughts on “North West’s Survival Guide For How To Live With A Ridiculous Name

  1. I’m thinking that poor kid will be exposed to that much public scrutiny just by being the child of those two half wits, I hope her name doesn’t bring her too much grief and she can grow up as normally(as a kardashian can) as possible.
    Alicia just rambled about…Winter warmer soup #openslatherMy Profile

  2. hahaha hilarious as always. I usually DO feel sorry for any kid with a weird name, my name is Joy and I was born on Christmas Day so yeah, I get it. I do. I do have a hard time feeling bad for THIS kid, though, because it’s NAME is the least of it’s problems. I mean, you can legally change your name for a few hundred bucks, which will NOT be an issue for this kid. She ALREADY has more money than I do.
    I also heard, and I’m embarassed to say I know this and I remembered it, that they legally named her Kadence or something like that w/a K and they are just going to CALL her “North” for privacy, publicity, etc. I mean, let’s face it, how many MORE people are talking about the name North, as opposed to Kadence. Someone somewhere looked at Michael Jackson’s press and took note of it. SO MANY people talk about them, and under the “no press is BAD press rule” they are queens of media, without having an ounce of talent. Unless you call generating buzztalk a talent.
    Joy just rambled about…Zee Bloody Birth of Ballet: Small Truth, Large Pulp-Free FictionMy Profile

    • You heard she was named Kadence?! I must say, Joy, that you’ve shocked me a little bit with your Kardashian knowledge.

      I love it!

      I also don’t want to believe her parents were smart enough to think of that, but I also know the one thing they are good at is milking publicity and extending their time in the spotlight….so that might be correct!

  3. Wow ~ I thought being saddled with “penny” was hard. Honestly, having been born into the Kardashian family and having such an idiot for a dad are much bigger problems than the name. And it’s not like there isn’t the capacity for normal names in the family. Kourtney, oddly enough, named her daughter Penelope (which I’ve been asked 1,000 times if that’s my “real” name) and her son, Mason. That’s MY son’s name! Alright, I just creeped myself out there. Does the fact that I have a big butt mean I’m a long, lost older sister??? Oh how I feel sorry for this poor child!
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Road Trippin’ – Or Maybe That Was Just Me!My Profile

    • You do NOT have a big butt! And Kourtney has named her kids the most reasonable names, probably because she hated living her life spelling her name with a K when no one else does.

  4. Poor kid. And though she has company- it’s just not good company( can you say ‘Moxie Crimefighter Jillette?- come to think of it I wouldn’t expect anything less awful from Penn Jillette), but about that booty! It’s gonna need it’s own zip code.
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  5. I love the name North West! Mostly because I wish it were my name, I have always hated my name, “Rebecca,” and would proudly opt for something different. I liked the Kanye everything is about him line, because he is such a tool.
    Rebeccafaith just rambled about…A Tale Of MiseryMy Profile

    • But Rebecca is such a beautiful name, and you don’t have to deal with snickers and jokes about how your name doesn’t make sense!

      And Kayne is probably one of the most self-involved people on this planet. I’m confident of it.

  6. perhaps it was some secret deal where Northwest Airlines paid them untold millions to name their baby North. It seems they’ll do just about anything for a few million dollars.
    christine just rambled about…Monday Listicles – Summer at the Public PoolMy Profile

    • I think you’re on to something! Those two really would do anything for money; except make a sex-tape and exploit it. Oh wait….

      Well, they definitely wouldn’t pose nude in Playboy for money. Oh wait…

  7. There was actually an awesome movie titled “North By Northwest” staring Cary Grant and directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Hopefully this young lass will grow up to be intelligent and cultured like Grant and Hitchcock. One can ONLY hope! 🙂
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  8. Hah! I usually don’t make fun of names but North West? I was cracking up when I saw a graphic on Facebook yesterday that said, “Don’t make fun of Kanye and Kim’s baby. That kid is going straight to the top! …and slightly to the left.”
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  9. ohhh I know all about weird names…. don’t even get my started on mine. lol

    Thanks for linking up the to Friend Connect Blog Hop today!

    Co-Host // Justynn
    Creative Life Antics
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    • Ha! I always feel bad for people who have names that are either strange or difficult to spell. At least I never have to spell my first name, and that’s a beautiful thing. But then again, I’m not unique; and certainly not unique like North!

  10. I liked “and turn Kanye into the authorities.” That’s really what need to be done here.
    One Funny Motha just rambled about…Tweetpeat Tuesday: U Gotta Tweet 4 Your Right to PartyMy Profile

    • Isn’t it?! How is this not child abuse what they’re doing? And Kayne is the king of all douchebags. He’s the head douche. The main squeeze, if you will.

  11. I was just sitting here thinking, “I don’t have a witty bone left in my body.” I like the one that says, “Who likes to go down South?” Northwest. Bwahah!
    Julie Chenell DeNeen just rambled about…A Humor Blog Hop, a Public Service Announcement, and an AwardMy Profile

    • I really feel like I let people down with these! I couldn’t think of anything, and those were all that came to me. It was a piss-poor effort so I’m glad you got a chuckle.

  12. Oh that poor child… I don’t know what’s worse… The name or the parents.

    I’m also not a good bully. I was also the kid that hugged the bullied kids. This means I’m going to have to hug that child, doesn’t it?
    Emelie just rambled about…It’s here! It’s here! It’s finally here!My Profile

    • That TOTALLY means you are going to have to hug that child. You’re also going to have to give her attention, because her parents will be too busy staring at themselves and talking about how wonderful they are.

      North needs our help. This is yet another reason why we need to get that giant metal animal. North needs it. We need it. America needs it.

  13. I’m loving the one liners .. those are epic!

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
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  14. What is with celebrities and naming their kids weird names?! I feel so sorry for this kid.

  15. My favorite is “Northwest Airlines- we put our junk in the trunk.” LOVE it!!!!
    Kate just rambled about…Our first dateMy Profile

  16. It’s just as funny the second time I read it. I must have been laughing too hard to leave comments last time! 😉 You rock Lisa!

    Thank you so much for linking this up to the Humor Me Blog Hop! Come back next week, k? XO!
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…Weekly Wrap-Up: The Brain Dead EditionMy Profile

    • Aw, I’m glad you enjoyed it the second time. I aim to please. And of course I will come back next week….just remind me because you know I will forget. 🙂

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