Jerry in his favorite surveillance spot.

Jerry in his favorite surveillance spot.

As many of you know, I have a gansta gnome guarding and protecting my home at all times.  

(This is not to be confused with the crazy Bachelorette contestant Kasey, who guards and protects women’s hearts.  My gnome doesn’t do that. He also doesn’t get crazy tattoos while on the season of a reality show.  He’s smarter than that…and he’s a gnome.)

My gansta gnome is Jerry Yardcia, and he keeps me safe from the dangers and threats of living in the suburbs.  He’s pretty hard core.  If you don’t believe me, look at his medallion.

If that doesn’t say bad ass, I don’t know what does.

Since Jerry took over security for the Newlin household, things have been safe and quiet, save for the occasional unwanted humping.  (Our dog Max likes Jerry…a lot.)

Despite the canine advances, lately Jerry looked lonely and in need of a friend.  After all, he can only talk on his mini cell phone so long before the battery goes dead.

We decided something had to be done, and Jerry needed a friend.  Unfortunately, we didn’t know how to go about getting him one, as we didn’t know what type of friend he would prefer.  A talkative friend?  Funny? Quiet?  Old?  Statue?  Bird bath?

Fortunately, we didn’t have to make that decision.  One day, I came home from work and looked Jerry’s direction, hoping to get a report of the happenings of the neighborhood.  I always throw him our secret gang sign so he knows it’s me, as if there’s another woman in a stained dress with Cheeto-stained fingers who frequents the suburbs.

As I threw our super-secret sign of recognition to Jerry, I noticed he was not alone.  He had a friend.  A friend who looked remarkably like him.  Here’s what I saw.

jerry and jernome

They’re multiplying!

Obviously, Jerry’s friend was shy.  He was also a master of disguise, as I could barely see his gy-gnomous head hiding behind the flower bush.

I came inside and asked Matt where the second a-gnomeonyous gnome came from. (Yes, attempting to change “anonymous” into a word using “gnome” was a bit ambitious, but a girl’s gotta try.)

I don’t know.  He just showed up and has been chilling with Jerry all day.”

Indeed.  They appeared to be besties.

Although I was happy for Jerry and his new friend, I wanted to find out more about this mysterious guy.  I had so many questions:  Who was he?  How did he get there? Was this who Jerry was always talking to on his cell?

Jernome

Jernome looking….well…simple.

I approached them both, greeted them, and asked to speak to the new gnome alone.

Jerry complied with my request but told me to keep it short.  I reminded him that he is less than a foot tall, so I had no choice but to keep it short.

NOTE:  Jerry is not a fan of short-jokes.  It’s a delicate subject for him. LESSON LEARNED.

When I was a-gnome with the new gnome he told me he was Jerry’s cousin, and his name was Jer(g)nome.  That explained why they looked so much a like.  (That, and they were both manufactured in the same plant in Thailand.)

Jernome is a man of little words, and not just because he’s only a foot tall.  He was noticeably quiet about his story and where he cam from.

In all fairness, his timidness could be because he’s a statue.

In an effort to get him to tell me more, I got out the garden hose and turned on the water.  All of a sudden, Jernome because far more talkative.

Allegations of water-boarding were made, but those are obviously unwarranted and I will deny any and all such charges.

From what I gathered from Jernome’s quiet demeanor (except when it came to water), he is…ahem….a bit slow.

To put it another way; if our dog Max was a gnome, he would be Jernome.  Come to think of it, if Max was a gnome, he’d still have the same IQ but would probably lick his junk less.

Our sweet, sweet, Max

Our sweet, sweet, Max

Although Jernome didn’t come out and say it, I got the feeling Jerry gave him a job because Jernome couldn’t get a job anywhere else.  I considered suggesting he apply at my favorite Greek restaurant, as the waiters there have no personality and can’t seem to understand that I always want extra Tzatziki sauce on my gyro.

Always.

So for now, Jernome will stay and be Jerry’s wingman.  I suspect his only job will be standing around looking pathetic.  That’s yet another thing he and Max have in common.

I also suspect Jerry will send him on mindless errands just to keep him busy.  So the next time I see Jerry eating a sub sandwich with onions on it, I won’t remind him that onions make him gassy, which kills my hydrangeas.

Instead, I’ll know that Jernome messed up the order, and although Jerry will cut any bitch who stiffs him on a drug deal, he’ll eat onions and endure farts if it means Jernome feels needed.*

*If enduring farts makes one feel needed, then my husband is the most needed man in America.

25 Thoughts on “Jerry has a friend who looks a lot like him…

  1. Thank you for not waterboarding our gnome.

  2. You water-boarded a gnome? Seriously? Lisa Newlin don’t mess around!
    Dude, that’s hardcore…..Mad respect!
    Kim @ Soliloquy Of Food & Such just rambled about…Friday’s Finds: Lime MarmaladeMy Profile

  3. Does Jerry have any ties to the under-gnomeworld around Phoenix? I need a watch gnome, but don’t know where to find one I can trust. I feel that Jerry must be a good guy if he’d give his mentally challenged cousin a job, am I right? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks, Dona

    (great post!)

  4. This is hilarious. It’s a bit scary that the gnomes multiply and no one knows how…maybe Max has something to do with it. 🙂

  5. We LOVE gnomes. I’m kind of jealous at how much awesomer yours are than mine. We have 3 that are doing a totally crap job of keeping the chipmunk gangs and groundhog posse out of our backyard!

    (PS – I had to remove this post from the Mommy TMI linky because we are keeping that one strictly for posts answering the TMI questions but will share and add it in the appropriate linky. 🙂 Thanks for linking up this week!
    Janene just rambled about…More Than Mommies Mixer – Let’s Get it On!My Profile

    • I’m an idiot and totally didn’t know about the TMI linky. Sorry for being a jackass, but I’m glad you enjoyed it anyway. Thank you!

      Maybe your gnomes need a little roughing up by Jerry to remember their purpose. Let me know….

  6. There’s gotta be a girl gnome (Na-gnomi, perhaps?) to keep these guys company and outta trouble. But that may lead to even more multiplying…
    Dana just rambled about…A flying fiascoMy Profile

  7. I need to score a gnome-dude-security guard. Right now, I’ve got St. Francis of Assisi out there, and he just wants to be nice to the bunnies, birds and bugs and talk them through their problems and tell them to repent and give up all of their worldly possessions.

    I keep asking my husband for a cool gnome, but he just doesn’t listen. He’s too busy BEING NEEDY.
    Julie just rambled about…So The Kid Wanted To Do A Craft…My Profile

  8. Loved it. I have actually been wondering about Jerry Yardcia and how he likes the gig at your house. He must be pretty comfortable if he felt that it was okay to start extending invitations to pathetic relatives without your prior knowledge or consent. But then again, Jerry is a gangsta and that is obviously how he rolls. I just hope that by going out on a limb, he doesn’t come to regret it.
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Flirtin’ With 50 (aka Bodily Functions Don’t Fail Me Now)My Profile

  9. So very gangster. They would totally jack up that Travelocity gnome.
    Tamara Woods just rambled about…Top 5 Positives for Writers and AirplanesMy Profile

  10. I’m sure that Jernome is putting up a dumb front, just so that you put your guard down. Don’t let him out of your sight because the next thing you know, he’ll have a cell phone, loads of bling and he’ll be running a gambling operation in your hydrangeas.
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…Things You May Not Know about Patrick (the Starfish)My Profile

    • You’re probably right, but I did find him trying to chase his own butt to investigate where his fart came from, so I’m thinking he’s either dumb or just a really good actor.

      Either way, he’s gassy.

  11. Oh my gosh this is fricken hilarious!! Pay attention to that Jernome. He may not be as dumb as you think. Sometimes them gnomes get sneaky and when you least expect it they’re raiding your fridge. Little bastards.

    Also, your husband and mine would probably tie for the most needed man when it comes to farts. My husband farts a lot.
    Kim just rambled about…Thoughts on SwearingMy Profile

    • OMG, you’re totally right! I must confess that I have 2 more gnomes to write about. Jernome showed up about 4-6 weeks ago, but I haven’t had time to write a post. One of the two gnomes who have yet to make a blog appearance is a contract killer disguising himself as a super nice guy.

      You keep me on my toes and I like it! I will definitely keep an eye on Jernome. He may be playing up the dumb thing….

  12. Waterboarding a gnome! LOL! Thanks for the laugh…man you are hard core in your tactics to get information. Remind me to toughen up…just give me a Starbucks and I’ll tell you anything. hehe!
    KC
    KC @ The Real Thing with the Coake Family just rambled about…Pretty Dish Soap Dispenser Wine Bottle CraftMy Profile

  13. Cathy on July 16, 2013 at 8:43 pm said:

    Hi there! I am co-hosting this week on the My Favorite Posts Showoff Weekend Blog Party. Thanks for connecting up!

    I host a (Not SO) Wordless Wednesday Blog Hop and a TGIF Link Party over at my place — A Peek Into My Paradise… http://apeekintomyparadise.blogspot.com/ I would love for you to link up and follow if you like what you see. =) I follow back – I love making new friends!

    Have a terrific week!

    Hugs, Cathy

  14. Multiplying gnomes…there’s something very sneaky going on there at the Newlin house. Your posts always crack me up. I’ve had such a crazy week that I haven’t gotten around much, but I am glad I made it over to yours tonight. I needed a good laugh. 🙂
    Michelle just rambled about…How to Set Up a Google+ Hangout and Why You Should {Guest Post}My Profile

  15. Well, there was that incident with Jerry eating the neighbours cookies naked or something. I hope that Jernome gets him to tow the line a bit more.

    I’d love it if you linked up to my weekly BlogLovin Hop (http://www.journeysofthezoo.com/search/label/BlogLovin%20Hop).

    Besos, Sarah
    Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
    Sarah De Diego (Journeys of The Zoo) just rambled about…Link Up to The Zoo’s Weekly BlogLovin {#BlogHop} July 18My Profile

  16. Pingback: SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party {Link Party} | A Dish of Daily Life

  17. Pingback: My Favorite Posts Show Off Weekend Blog Party : This Momma's Ramblings

  18. Found you in the Weekend Blog Block Party and glad I did because I am now following you. Because I love you.

    Also, I once had an entire gang of pink flamingoes in my yard. They actually wore special hats for holidays and stuff. It makes me miss having a yard.
    Mandi Noel just rambled about…Basic Green Smoothie RecipeMy Profile

    • I’m glad you found me too! I love when people get my sense of humor!

      And I notice you said you used to have pink flamingos…suggesting you no longer have them. What atrocity caused them to leave? Did they head south for the winter? Please don’t tell me it was a flamingo mass murder!

  19. Oh my gosh! You have TWO gnomies?! I’m beyond jealous! A few months ago, I saw a picture of, what I assume to be, Jerry’s long lost twin brother (you know, Sister Sister style?), and I knew I had to have him! But alas, I live in a 2nd story apartment and have no garden that needs protecting. Thus, I’m gnomie-less. I will just have to live vicariously through you.
    Ericamos just rambled about…A Sunrise in the MountainsMy Profile

  20. Pingback: Co-Hosting Wondering Brain Show Off Weekend Blog Party

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

Post Navigation