As many of you know, I have a gansta gnome guarding and protecting my home at all times.
(This is not to be confused with the crazy Bachelorette contestant Kasey, who guards and protects women’s hearts. My gnome doesn’t do that. He also doesn’t get crazy tattoos while on the season of a reality show. He’s smarter than that…and he’s a gnome.)
My gansta gnome is Jerry Yardcia, and he keeps me safe from the dangers and threats of living in the suburbs. He’s pretty hard core. If you don’t believe me, look at his medallion.
If that doesn’t say bad ass, I don’t know what does.
Since Jerry took over security for the Newlin household, things have been safe and quiet, save for the occasional unwanted humping. (Our dog Max likes Jerry…a lot.)
Despite the canine advances, lately Jerry looked lonely and in need of a friend. After all, he can only talk on his mini cell phone so long before the battery goes dead.
We decided something had to be done, and Jerry needed a friend. Unfortunately, we didn’t know how to go about getting him one, as we didn’t know what type of friend he would prefer. A talkative friend? Funny? Quiet? Old? Statue? Bird bath?
Fortunately, we didn’t have to make that decision. One day, I came home from work and looked Jerry’s direction, hoping to get a report of the happenings of the neighborhood. I always throw him our secret gang sign so he knows it’s me, as if there’s another woman in a stained dress with Cheeto-stained fingers who frequents the suburbs.
As I threw our super-secret sign of recognition to Jerry, I noticed he was not alone. He had a friend. A friend who looked remarkably like him. Here’s what I saw.
Obviously, Jerry’s friend was shy. He was also a master of disguise, as I could barely see his gy-gnomous head hiding behind the flower bush.
I came inside and asked Matt where the second a-gnomeonyous gnome came from. (Yes, attempting to change “anonymous” into a word using “gnome” was a bit ambitious, but a girl’s gotta try.)
“I don’t know. He just showed up and has been chilling with Jerry all day.”
Indeed. They appeared to be besties.
Although I was happy for Jerry and his new friend, I wanted to find out more about this mysterious guy. I had so many questions: Who was he? How did he get there? Was this who Jerry was always talking to on his cell?
I approached them both, greeted them, and asked to speak to the new gnome alone.
Jerry complied with my request but told me to keep it short. I reminded him that he is less than a foot tall, so I had no choice but to keep it short.
NOTE: Jerry is not a fan of short-jokes. It’s a delicate subject for him. LESSON LEARNED.
When I was a-gnome with the new gnome he told me he was Jerry’s cousin, and his name was Jer(g)nome. That explained why they looked so much a like. (That, and they were both manufactured in the same plant in Thailand.)
Jernome is a man of little words, and not just because he’s only a foot tall. He was noticeably quiet about his story and where he cam from.
In all fairness, his timidness could be because he’s a statue.
In an effort to get him to tell me more, I got out the garden hose and turned on the water. All of a sudden, Jernome because far more talkative.
Allegations of water-boarding were made, but those are obviously unwarranted and I will deny any and all such charges.
From what I gathered from Jernome’s quiet demeanor (except when it came to water), he is…ahem….a bit slow.
To put it another way; if our dog Max was a gnome, he would be Jernome. Come to think of it, if Max was a gnome, he’d still have the same IQ but would probably lick his junk less.
Although Jernome didn’t come out and say it, I got the feeling Jerry gave him a job because Jernome couldn’t get a job anywhere else. I considered suggesting he apply at my favorite Greek restaurant, as the waiters there have no personality and can’t seem to understand that I always want extra Tzatziki sauce on my gyro.
So for now, Jernome will stay and be Jerry’s wingman. I suspect his only job will be standing around looking pathetic. That’s yet another thing he and Max have in common.
I also suspect Jerry will send him on mindless errands just to keep him busy. So the next time I see Jerry eating a sub sandwich with onions on it, I won’t remind him that onions make him gassy, which kills my hydrangeas.
Instead, I’ll know that Jernome messed up the order, and although Jerry will cut any bitch who stiffs him on a drug deal, he’ll eat onions and endure farts if it means Jernome feels needed.*
*If enduring farts makes one feel needed, then my husband is the most needed man in America.