I was perusing the interwebs
at 2:00 .am. the other day, looking for photos of Ryan Gosling in a Speedo intellectual articles, when I happened upon this gem of a story.
There’s a show coming to the WE Network that’s called Pregnant and Dating.
Yes, you read that right. It’s a show about pregnant women looking for love in all the wrong places. One of those places is clearly in the pants of someone other than their baby-daddy.
Their wallets. The place women are looking for love is in men’s wallets, which are usually in the pants.
You’re such a perv. Can you just focus on the story?
So many things went through my mind when I saw this article, the first of which was to remember to take my birth control pill immediately. Pregnancy is no laughing matter, except if it’s on WE, apparently.
After that, the questions really began to fly.
First of all, is it really on WE? Seriously? Women’s Entertainment Network is sponsoring a show about pregnant women dating? Shouldn’t that network focus on programming featuring shirtless men? Wouldn’t that be more up the alley of women’s entertainment?
Come to think of it, Women’s Entertainment Network could really just be a 24 hour loop of men trying to clean toilets, change diapers and bake casseroles.
Now that’s entertainment.
But really, WE? What about a pregnant woman trying to snag a guy before she pushes a kid out her hoo-ha is entertainment for women? I would think women would be appalled or offended by this sort of thing; not entertained by it.
Allow me to clarify: I would think normal women would be appalled or offended by this sort of thing. I, however, found it hilariously awesome; but I’m certainly not normal. Regular? Yes. Normal? No.
And what kind of man deliberately looks for a woman knocked up with someone else’s kid? It’s either a guy with a fetish or a guy with mommy issues. There are no other logical* explanations.
*In this case, logical = non-creepy.
The only reasoning I can come up with for why men deliberately seek out pregnant women is because they know these moms-to-be are easy dates.
Literally, they’re easy. They put out.
After all, the proof is in the pudding and in this case, the pudding is the uterus. Isn’t that how the metaphor goes?
Perhaps these men figure all they have to do is buy dinner and iced tea for the pregnant lady and she’ll immediately turn into a sex machine. What they don’t realize is she will immediately turn into a machine but the product she churns out won’t be sex.
It will be flatulence. Lots and lots of flatulence.
It will be an eye-watering surprise I’d like to witness, so in that respect, perhaps WE has the right idea.
I also hope WE has air freshener, as pregnant farts can be quite ripe.
These men also probably suspect pregnant women are cheap dates since they don’t drink alcohol while they’re pregnant…or at least I hope they don’t drink alcohol while they’re pregnant.
What these guys don’t understand is whatever money they save on booze, they will spend on appetizers, meals, desserts, post-dessert meals and midnight servings of ribs. And it will be a full slab of ribs; none of that half slab business.
Come to think of it, that’s just a description of what it was like to date me, except I took the booze too.
I can’t imagine the caliber of men wanting to date these knocked up chicks is particularly high.
In all actuality, perhaps that’s why they’re trying to snag pregnant women instead of non-pregnant women; because women not growing human life in their uteri find them repulsive. Perhaps these men assume a pregnant woman has a strong nurturing instinct, so she may take pity date them.
See what I mean? Mommy issues.
I can’t imagine what kind of shit show this program will be, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to tune in or not. On the one hand, I want to see who these people are, and what their reasoning is for such ridiculousness.
On the other hand, I’d still like to believe there are some normal people in the world, and I’m confident this program would seal the deal in convincing me that all people are crazy.
Except for me, of course. I’m not crazy. I’m totally normal.