By now you’ve heard about the NSA leaker, Edward Snowden, and how he’s on the run from the Feds. I wish there was a different term to describe him other than a “leaker,” but no one consulted with me about nicknames.
I would call him the Snowster.
The term “leaker” sounds like he’s lactating or that he has a prostate problem. Come to think of it, maybe he does have a prostate problem, which is why he’s always on the go. (Pun intended.)
He should probably get that checked out…once he gets to a country with a good healthcare system. (Stay away from Canada, Snowster!)
Either way, he’s on the lamb, and not the way I’m on the lamb at my favorite Greek restaurant. I am LITERALY on the lamb when I go there. It’s that delicious and Olympia Kebob House knows how to make a gyro that will rock your world.
Great, now I want humus. Thanks, Edward Snowden.
Focus, people! Let’s get back on track! Espionage and the Snowster. Stay with me.
Reports indicate the Snowster was initially in Hawaii and then fled to Hong Kong, but has since been linked to Moscow. Homeboy gets around, but not in a Kim Kardashian kind of way.
He may be deemed by the media to be a villain, but he’s still better liked than Kimmy. I’m sure of it.
Given the Snowster’s known travel destinations, I can’t even begin to imagine the nightmare that would be packing for his asylum trip. From Speedos and muscle shirts for Hawaii to parkas and scarves for Moscow, I hope he has an Amazon Prime membership so he doesn’t have to pay shipping for all his new digs.
I also hope he has a razor to keep himself groomed if he’s going to rock a Speedo.
With all the speculation about his next destination, along with my speculation about his next clothing purchase, I think Hasbro needs to capitalize on this and get a board game going.
Do people still play board games? I know I can dominate a round of Candy Land, but that’s also what I call my secret stash of Starbursts and Rolos hidden in my closet. I don’t think that’s the same thing.
Whether it’s a board game or a computer game, someone needs to come up with one that focuses on Where in the World is Edward Snowden. It would be kind of like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, but without that annoying little theme song.
That song is now stuck in my head. It’s stuck in yours too. If I have to suffer, so do you. We’re a team like that.
I haven’t worked out all the rules of the game yet, but I think the point would be to seek asylum in a country that other players would have to guess.
One of the players would be the Snowster, complete with his hipster glasses and popped collared shirts. The other players would be FBI agents and Secretary of State John Kerry, whose figurine would just be a ketchup bottle.
There would undoubtedly be obstacles the Snowster would have to overcome, like running out of styling mousse or gel for his sweet hair style. He would have to find a way to get a replenished supply of Dep without being detected by the feds. It wouldn’t be easy.
He would also have other set backs, like losing his compass or his super secret spy glasses. (Someone should tell him to think about contacts.)
There would obviously be a theme song for the game, which would undoubtedly be “Informer” by Snow. It’s both lyrically accurate, and Snowden has the artist’s* name incorporated into his own. It’s a no-brainer.
*The term “artist” is used extremely loosely here.
Come on, Hasbro, this game is gold. It teaches kids about geography, while also teaching about government, and how no one likes a tattle tale.
An alternate name could be “Snitches Get Stitches,” or “Whistelblowers Get an Ass Whooping.”
I’m still toying with the names, no pun intended.
Call me, Hasbro. Let’s make this a thing.