Not one unread emailI have an iPhone.  Yeah, I know.  I’m in an elite group.  Me and everyone else.  I’m like a fricking unique snowflake that isn’t unique at all.

However, with my lovely iPhone comes a myriad of issues, mostly caused by me because I’m technologically illiterate.

Seriously, I’m a moron when it comes to anything that has a memory card or is considered “smart.”

I have no idea how to work most things, including my TV.  If it isn’t a TV/VCR combo, I don’t know how to use it.

I’ll just stick to watching my VHS tapes of Romey and Michelle’s High School Reunion, The Office, and Ever After.

Yes, I really have all of those on VHS.  If you want to borrow them, I require a deposit.  Laffy Taffy is acceptable payment.

Since I can’t operate my DVR,  it’s not wonder I’m clueless about my phone.  (On a side note, I also have Clueless on VHS.)

These were the good old days.  You risked breaking a finger, but it didn't tell you there were unread emails.

These were the good old days. You risked breaking a finger, but it didn’t tell you there were unread emails.

I know how to check my email and how to make calls, but that’s about it.  I don’t have Suri on my phone, so I’m completely lost.

No, literally. I get physically lost because the map on the phone is super confusing.  (Don’t tell me to go northeast. I don’t know which way is northeast as I don’t have a fricking good look at the sun. RIGHT OR LEFT, A-HOLE?)

I suspect it may be a good thing that I don’t have Suri, as I think she may be a spoiled rotten little brat who carries purses that cost more than my monthly mortgage payment.

This could be because (1) she’s a materialistic b*tch, or (2) my property value is $hit.

It’s probably both.

What was I talking about again?

Oh, my super glamorous iPhone, that has food randomly stuck in the “home” button.  I think it’s peanut butter.

Sometime in the last few days, my iPhone started saying I have one unread email message.

Um, no I don’t.

No, I fricking don't!

No, I fricking don’t!

I’ve gone to my email online and it says I have no unread messages, so I don’t know why my iPhone insists on being a know-it-all.

Maybe I do have Suri after all.  It’s totally something she would pull.  Her and her $1,000 shoes.

I’ve done everything I can think of to MAKE IT STOP SAYING I HAVE ONE UNREAD EMAIL!

Nothing works.  Nothing.  I’ve turned it off and turned it back on.  I’ve scrolled through to find said unread email.

I’ve also tried bashing it against the wall.  Surprisingly, that didn’t work either.

Author’s note:  When I refer to “unread” emails, I simply mean those I haven’t opened.  Just because I open an email doesn’t mean I’ve read it.  

That would be a ridiculous assumption to make.  I just seriously hate the little red number telling me I have to open an email.  It’s like it’s judging me and telling me to get some work done.  BACK OFF APPLE!

It’s not like the iPhone is a work horse.  He/she shuts down randomly, freezes up, and just acts like a snot frequently.

I guarantee these old geezers know more than I do about technology.  I've named then Gene and Fran.

I guarantee these old geezers know more than I do about technology. I’ve named then Gene and Fran.

I think these are all indicators that Suri is just jacking with me, even though she isn’t on my phone.

Or at least I don’t think she is…<insert paranoid face here>

So I’m going insane about this one red notice that says I have an unread email.  NO I DON’T!

So if I go all Amanda Bynes in the next few days, you’ll know why.  She does have excellent taste in wigs.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s what led to her demise.  Just sayin’…

35 Thoughts on “No, I do NOT have one unread email

  1. You keep making me laugh. I hear you on several fronts…especially the direction thing. I broke up with this one guy after a trip to New York because he kept giving me directions like that. “Head East for two blocks…” Are you flipping kidding me…I’m walking…Left or Right?! (and ok that is not the only reason I broke up with him but it is telling of his nature isn’t it?)
    Wordifull Melanie just rambled about…BookendsMy Profile

  2. Angela on June 2, 2013 at 6:33 pm said:

    My phone keeps saying the same thing. I feel your pain. It is very annoying and if you figure out how to get rid of it I would love to hear about it

  3. Oh! I forgot to recommend…. I know you tried turning it off and then back on….but try taking the battery out for a minute.
    Wordifull Melanie just rambled about…BookendsMy Profile

  4. First of all, I do not have an iPhone or a smartphone so I will always be a dinosaur and stupid technologically (not technically stupid) and in a constant state or confused roaming (my internal GPS is MIA.) With that said, my OCD forces me to mark “as read” or open any email I have, professionally or personally, so seeing “One unread email” and not being able to do anything about it would probably cause me to need a Xanax salt lick (and extra one.) May the force be with you.
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  5. East, West, North, South wtf?? When I’m given directions like that it drives me nuts. All I know is the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, but what does that have to do with left or right?

    Ask your hunky hubs how to remove the battery. That might solve the issue.
    Doreen@househoneys just rambled about…Why I Didn’t Do Any Projects This Weekend…My Profile

  6. Wait, I totally agree that the little number popping up makes me feel judged. There should be an I don’t care button to make it go away! I can’t work my remote control…but I had the same problem on my iPad & it took me a week to figure out…

    I use my gmail for my mail but I have to have an iCloud acct to use the phone & iPad. ( yup, another snowflake.) so when I open my gmail theres no mail, but if I switch to iCloud it’s a stupid email from them. See if you have something on iCloud. Maybe that will get rid of that ignorant “unread” message…

    Btw, saw your Jell-O shots featured at The Chicken Chick! Congrats 🙂
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    • You are a genius about the iCloud thing! I will try it…assuming I figure out how to get there.

      And thanks for the kudos on the Chicken Chick. I suspect she just pitied me because I have no skill in anything and she just wanted to make me feel better about myself.

      I’ll take it, as I’m fine with pity! I think it’s how I snagged my husband.

  7. I have nominated you for the “The Sunshine” Award. I appreciate you letting me into a little corner of your mind/world and do hope others discover and enjoy all that you do.
    So…Congrats!
    You can find the information that you need by clicking here…
    http://wordifull.com/2013/06/03/sunshine-award-my-very-first-award/
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  8. Bahahaha … this post had me going from the first paragraph! And on a side note …I totally love Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion!

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
    Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. 🙂

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    http://www.raising-reagan.com
    Lanaya @ Raising Reagan just rambled about…Raising Imperfection Sunday Link Party Week 26My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it! And of course you love Romey and Michelle! I would totally be friends with them. I still quote that movie all the time, and whenever my husband and I go out of town, we always say the name of where we’re going and then “Here we come. Wooooo!”

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it! 🙂

  9. Don’t worry about the maps thing. Apple has pretty much said to use anything but their map service just because of how confusing it is. And I guess the email is just one of those idiosyncrasies of technology. Either that or it’s testing your attention to prepare for the inclement invasion of smart phones. They’re already in your pocket, after all.
    Peter Licari just rambled about…Yes, Imagine Dragons, Most of Us Are on Top of the World. Sort of.My Profile

    • Fricking Apple! Why must they make me crazy?! It’s like they know what infuriates me.

      And I’m dealing with their direction app, and learning how to ignore it and only loosely go by their directions. 🙂

  10. OMG!!! I love this. I have avoided the iphone and everything else “I”…. I know how to successfully use windows based technology and this is enough for me–until they started this gingerbread, jellybean crap anyway!!! My husband -knowing all of this- bought me an IPAD for Christmas –WTH?!? Talk about giving a gift just because HE wanted one. Anyway…2 hours later and the IPAD was re-gifted back to him. He is a happy camper for sure–my frustrated and angry….isn’t technology grand?!?! Thanks for sharing at the Friday Follow Along…I can’t wait to see what happens to the phone!
    Heather May just rambled about…It’s PARTY TIME!!!!My Profile

    • I LOVE your husband’s idea for Christmas! If he buys you a skirt and heels next year for Christmas, then I’d be concerned (especially if they’re in a color that compliments his eyes.)

  11. I had this problem once. I deleted all my accounts and started over. I’m laughing at the visual of you and Suri going at it! LOL
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  12. Leslie on June 3, 2013 at 8:53 pm said:

    My phone does this all the time with unread text message but clearly I have read them all. Drives me insane, glad I’m not the only one!

    Thanks for sharing your favorite post at Raising Imperfection! We feature our favorites on Friday, make sure to come back and check.
    Leslie
    http://www.violetimperfection.com

    • Thanks for reading and commenting! And don’t worry, I fixed it (after emailing our IT guy). I had to uninstall and reinstall my email and the unread notice went away.

      It was infuriating!

  13. You do know that Suri is Tom Cruise’s kid, right? 😉 I love that! The iCloud thing baffles me. It truly does. I thought it was supposed to effortlessly synch all my devices and make cyber life a little like running unencumbered through a field of daisies. Not so much. Loved this! Glad I’m not alone!
    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom just rambled about…The I Don’t Like Mondays Blog Hop: Pugs ‘n’ DishesMy Profile

    • Yeah, I guess that’s why I dislike Suri so much. I just don’t trust her because of her namesake. But then again, that’s not unreasonable.

      And I LOVE your analogy of running through a field of daisies. Maybe it is that way, but (1) I hate running, (2) I assume you’d have to be barefoot, which would also suck, and (3) I like daisies and wouldn’t want to crush them with my thunder thighs.

      All reasons not to sync up your devices and flip off the iCloud…wherever he may be…

  14. Just another reason for me to not plunk down the cash for an I-phone. My phone texts and calls and that’s about it. Of course, when I finally dust off the laptop, I have about 5,000 emails.
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    • I wouldn’t get an iPhone if you don’t need it. It’s better to get the 5,000 emails once a day than to get them EVERY 2 SECONDS!

      Don’t embrace technology. Walk away!!!!!

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  16. That drives me freaking crazy. And the times when I’ve listened to a voice mail, but it leaves the little icon that you have a voice mail. And I forget that I’ve listened to it already and dial in and listen again. Argh. On a happier note, you are super cool, and it’s nice to know you don’t think the iPhone is all that. Especially with peanut butter.
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…5 Things learned from walking with Fleetwood MacMy Profile

    • I am NOT super cool, but I love that you think I am! I won’t burst your bubble.

      And I do that with voicemail all the time too because I hate listening to voicemail. I hate it!

      I will let that little red bubble sit on the voicemail for days because I despise listening to them.

      And I finally got the unread email to go away. I had to uninstall and then reinstall my email, but it worked!

  17. Things I don’t have: iPad, iPhone, Suri, and patience for technology that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. Luckily Apple doesn’t build airplanes because pilots would be seeing red lights all over the dashboard.
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…THe Six-Choice Pillow Menu for a Good Night’s SleepMy Profile

    • Believe me, I don’t have patience for technology, but I have to use it for my job. It’s totally lame and my poor IT people must get so sick of dealing with me and my dumb questions!

  18. OMG, that would drive me nuts! I can’t have any little red notifications on my phone – it drives me crazy when people have 463 unread emails….WHY?! Pretend you read them!

    Anyway, did you check all your junk email and additional folders?

    • I ended up getting it fixed. Our tech guy had me uninstall and then reinstall my email and it worked. Whew! I seriously was going to have a breakdown if it didn’t get fixed.

      And I agree with people having a ton of unread emails. I see that on other people’s phones and I’m tempted to read their emails for them!

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