However, with my lovely iPhone comes a myriad of issues, mostly caused by me because I’m technologically illiterate.
Seriously, I’m a moron when it comes to anything that has a memory card or is considered “smart.”
I’ll just stick to watching my VHS tapes of Romey and Michelle’s High School Reunion, The Office, and Ever After.
Yes, I really have all of those on VHS. If you want to borrow them, I require a deposit. Laffy Taffy is acceptable payment.
No, literally. I get physically lost because the map on the phone is super confusing. (Don’t tell me to go northeast. I don’t know which way is northeast as I don’t have a fricking good look at the sun. RIGHT OR LEFT, A-HOLE?)
This could be because (1) she’s a materialistic b*tch, or (2) my property value is $hit.
It’s probably both.
What was I talking about again?
Oh, my super glamorous iPhone, that has food randomly stuck in the “home” button. I think it’s peanut butter.
Sometime in the last few days, my iPhone started saying I have one unread email message.
Um, no I don’t.
I’ve gone to my email online and it says I have no unread messages, so I don’t know why my iPhone insists on being a know-it-all.
Maybe I do have Suri after all. It’s totally something she would pull. Her and her $1,000 shoes.
I’ve done everything I can think of to MAKE IT STOP SAYING I HAVE ONE UNREAD EMAIL!
Nothing works. Nothing. I’ve turned it off and turned it back on. I’ve scrolled through to find said unread email.
I’ve also tried bashing it against the wall. Surprisingly, that didn’t work either.
Author’s note: When I refer to “unread” emails, I simply mean those I haven’t opened. Just because I open an email doesn’t mean I’ve read it.
That would be a ridiculous assumption to make. I just seriously hate the little red number telling me I have to open an email. It’s like it’s judging me and telling me to get some work done. BACK OFF APPLE!
It’s not like the iPhone is a work horse. He/she shuts down randomly, freezes up, and just acts like a snot frequently.
I think these are all indicators that Suri is just jacking with me, even though she isn’t on my phone.
Or at least I don’t think she is…<insert paranoid face here>
So I’m going insane about this one red notice that says I have an unread email. NO I DON’T!
So if I go all Amanda Bynes in the next few days, you’ll know why. She does have excellent taste in wigs.
Come to think of it, maybe that’s what led to her demise. Just sayin’…