Okay people, I’m super swamped with stuff* because I’m super important.
*I’m almost to the final level in Super Mario Brothers 2 and I can’t be bothered to update my blog. A girl has priorities.
So, because I know you will shrivel and die without hearing from me regularly and reading my musings, I’ve decided to write a post with a compilation of some of my random Facebook updates over the years.
In a way, they’re my musings and thoughts, and every one of them is pure gold. Obviously.
- I just saw a guy at the grocery store at 8:45 this morning buying Vodka and pizza rolls. He’s gonna have a good day!
- The best way to determine how much someone loves dogs is to see how many nose prints are on the inside of their car windows.
- I just J-walked in front of a police officer. I’m such a rebel!
- A couple next to me at the pool has been arguing all day. I’m considering drafting their divorce agreement for free if they will shut up.
- I need a power nap. And by “power nap” I mean a week of doing nothing but sleeping.
- I’m headed to the shooting range this morning to learn how to shoot a gun. If all goes well, I encourage you to be nicer to me, as I may be packing heat from here on out.
- Last night’s workout was definitely counteracted by the Big Mac and fries I had for dinner.
- Dear obnoxious biker dude, Yes, you have a Harley and it’s loud. We’re all impressed and know you have big balls. Now shut up. It’s 6:30 a.m.
- I just learned that my dog is the humper at doggie daycare. Is that like the biter at kiddie daycare?
- I’m going to dominate the golf tournament today. And by “dominate” I mean “sit in the golf cart and drink beer.”
- I’m watching thin models on America’s Next Top Model while stuffing my face with pizza. It’s invigorating.
- Pre-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…but I scraped it off.” Post-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…better leave early so you can scrape it off.” **DISCLAIMER** Matt scraped my windows this morning. Whether prompting was involved is another story.
- I fear my husband will discover it’s breast cancer awareness month and use it as an “opportunity to check for lumps.” Constantly.
- I’m embarrassed to report that every night of vacation when the maid comes in to turn down our bed, we’re already in it. Pa-thetic!
- I’m beginning to think that Halloween on Facebook is far better than Halloween in real life. I get to see everyone’s cute kids in costumes, but I don’t have to (1) get up to answer the door or (2) share my candy.
- I’ve done nothing all morning and I predict more of the same for the rest of the day.
- I’m a little embarrassed that I fell asleep at the spa today in the meditation room, but even more embarrassed that my snoring woke me up.
- I’m hoping the Rams will feel my presence at the game today and pull out a win. If not, I’ll just drink. It’s a win-win.
- It’s much easier (and more fun) to ingest calories than it is to burn them off.
So yeah, inspirational, right? I’m pretty much like a daily devotional.