This woman cracks me up.  It's probably going to be me in a few years. photo credit: Diueine via photopin cc

This woman cracks me up. It’s probably going to be me in a few years.
photo credit: Diueine via photopin cc

Okay people, I’m super swamped with stuff* because I’m super important.

*I’m almost to the final level in Super Mario Brothers 2 and I can’t be bothered to update my blog.  A girl has priorities.

So, because I know you will shrivel and die without hearing from me regularly and reading my musings, I’ve decided to write a post with a compilation of some of my random Facebook updates over the years.

In a way, they’re my musings and thoughts, and every one of them is pure gold.  Obviously.

  • I just saw a guy at the grocery store at 8:45 this morning buying Vodka and pizza rolls. He’s gonna have a good day!
  • The best way to determine how much someone loves dogs is to see how many nose prints are on the inside of their car windows.
  • I just J-walked in front of a police officer.  I’m such a rebel!
  • A couple next to me at the pool has been arguing all day. I’m considering drafting their divorce agreement for free if they will shut up.
  • I need a power nap. And by “power nap” I mean a week of doing nothing but sleeping.
  • I’m  headed to the shooting range this morning to learn how to shoot a gun. If all goes well, I encourage you to be nicer to me, as I may be packing heat from here on out.
photo credit: niffyat via photopin cc
photo credit: niffyat via photopin cc
  • Last night’s workout was definitely counteracted by the Big Mac and fries I had for dinner.
  • Dear obnoxious biker dude, Yes, you have a Harley and it’s loud.  We’re all impressed and know you have big balls.  Now shut up.  It’s 6:30 a.m.
  • I just learned that my dog is the humper at doggie daycare.  Is that like the biter at kiddie daycare?
  • I’m going to dominate the golf tournament today. And by “dominate” I mean “sit in the golf cart and drink beer.”
  • I’m watching thin models on America’s Next Top Model while stuffing my face with pizza.  It’s invigorating.
  • Pre-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…but I scraped it off.”  Post-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…better leave early so you can scrape it off.”  **DISCLAIMER** Matt scraped my windows this morning. Whether prompting was involved is another story.
  • I fear my husband will discover it’s breast cancer awareness month and use it as an “opportunity to check for lumps.” Constantly.
  • I’m embarrassed to report that every night of vacation when the maid comes in to turn down our bed, we’re already in it. Pa-thetic!
  • I’m beginning to think that Halloween on Facebook is far better than Halloween in real life. I get to see everyone’s cute kids in costumes, but I don’t have to (1) get up to answer the door or (2) share my candy.
  • I’ve done nothing all morning and I predict more of the same for the rest of the day.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I fell asleep at the spa today in the meditation room, but even more embarrassed that my snoring woke me up.
  • I’m hoping the Rams will feel my presence at the game today and pull out a win.  If not, I’ll just drink.  It’s a win-win.
  • It’s much easier (and more fun) to ingest calories than it is to burn them off.

So yeah, inspirational, right?  I’m pretty much like a daily devotional.

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

37 Thoughts on “Newlinisms: Lisa’s Musings

  1. You are kind of a big deal! 🙂
    Wordifull Melanie just rambled about…Misty (a silly poem/true story)My Profile

  2. This was great, you made me laugh and you kept me laughing. Thank you.
    Deedra just rambled about…Yard Junkie #4My Profile

  3. Love it…. I have also done nothing all day and see much more of it coming tomorrow… Your posts always brighten my mood… Ps. Pizza rolls and vodka does sound like a good day 🙂
    Kimbra just rambled about…Kryptonite…. Better run… No DON’TMy Profile

    • I think doing nothing all day sounds amazing. I don’t remember the last time I had one of those days, but it’s kind of my dream!

      I’m glad you always enjoy my posts. I can’t tell you how much I LOVE to hear/read that, and how much it makes my day! Thank you!

  4. Tee hee! I totally lol’d at many of these! Such fine randomness here, award winning even! I believe I shall award you a Newlin award for your Newlinisms. You’re welcome.
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…Wordless Wednesday: Imagination, Terry Cloth StyleMy Profile

    • I think we should start awarding a Newlin award! But I like your idea for awarding it for randomness, as I would have probably awarded it for being a jackass or doing something embarrassing.

      I like your idea better.

  5. Oh my gosh, your Halloween idea is amazing… The Internet is such a gift.
    Emelie just rambled about…It’s Like Having New Neighbors… Who Serve Me Wine When I Pay Them To.My Profile

  6. I routinely cross the street on my runs without using the cross walk. Street Rebels 4 Lyfe!!

    And replace Rams with 49ers and I’d say I know exactly what you’re feeling lol.
    Peter Licari just rambled about…Can Money Actually Buy Happiness?My Profile

    • We really are Street Rebels! Can our gang symbol be that red hand telling you not to walk, but we put it with a circle and a slash through it?

      That would be TOTALLY inspirational.

  7. You should make a thought a day calendar. I would buy it.

    Also, super impressed you worked out at all!

    • OMG! I totally love the thought a day calendar! Do you think there’s enough people in the world that would get my crazy humor?

      Plus, you know, there’s the fact I’m a nobody and people would be all “Why would we buy this calendar from this Lisa chick? She’s crazy, and why does her calendar smell like vodka?”

  8. a big HAHAHAHAHAHAH on this one

  9. I second Kate’s thought a day calendar idea! I would totally buy it and it would make a great holiday gift too…I think the alcohol aroma alone would be huge selling point! BTW- every month should contain the doggie daycare quote- root beer through my nose. Ouch~ but totally worth it.
    Kim just rambled about…Please, Just Take My Phone AwayMy Profile

  10. I just finished setting up a FB page yesterday. After reading this, I’m going to have to figure out how to get all your new posts/updates/whatever the hell you call them.
    And yes, the humper at doggie daycare is very much like the biter at kid daycare. that or the unwanted kisser/hugger. One of the two.
    christine just rambled about…The Big Campout 2013My Profile

  11. I also vote for the calendar. You can combine it with funny shit your husband says – fun for the men and the ladies!
    Dana just rambled about…ABC’s of BloggingMy Profile

    • Dana, you are a genius! I love the idea of including both of our musings. We could just call the calendar “Newlinisms: Musings from a couple who shouldn’t be allowed to procreate, or operate machinery.”

      Now I just need funding, and a printer, and a designer, and people to distribute it.
      Lisa Newlin just rambled about…Newlinisms: Lisa’s MusingsMy Profile

  12. A little advice from someone who’s been down the path you’re about to follow….

    Choose Luigi or the Princess when you get to the last level. Their ability to hang in the air longer than Mario or Toadstool will give you the edge against Wart. With their increased air-time you can avoid his bubble blasts while simultaneously throwing vegetables in his mouth

    Good luck!
    Brian just rambled about…Videos for the Blind: Bjork – Human BehaviorMy Profile

    • You like? It was an easy post to cut and paste, except I couldn’t get the bullets to line up right so it ended up taking forever.

      Oh, and I couldn’t post your answer last week because I couldn’t figure out how to upload it to my blog. I think I’m going to have to print out your drawings, take individual photos of them, and then upload them as photos.

      It’s the best way I can come up with to do it. I just didn’t want you to wonder what happened. I saved it as a PDF but then I couldn’t cut and paste it. GRRR!!!!

      • Ok, I dunno what you are talking about but I’m dipping in your koolaid…

        Try saving the pdf as a jpeg…then you should be able to upload 🙂
        Wordifull Melanie just rambled about…Misty (a silly poem/true story)My Profile

      • This post really amused me…In fact, it made me laugh out loud which caused me to share it with the lady sitting in the airport next to me. Now, I am back to my boring Ohio-Life, I must catch up on the posts that I missed while I was gone. Here is my advice about the PDF thing….I would take a screenshot of the page then use paint to crop it out, but that is just because I am a nerd. I wasn’t worried I always enjoy reading your blog. BTW, the people in your town were really nice….Way nicer than us Ohio-folks.
        TAM just rambled about…Wonderful Wednesday for 6/19/13: St. Louis EditionMy Profile

        • Thank you for sharing it with the lady next to you in the airport! That is awesome and hopefully she found it amusing as well.

          I’m glad you enjoyed our fair city. It’s pretty gross and boring, but I call it home.


  13. You are totally on to something with Facebook Halloween.
    Jen Anderson just rambled about…Decisions, DecisionsMy Profile

  14. Hey there! I found you from the Modern Hippie Momma Hump Day Blog Hop. You are brutally honest and hilarious! I love it! I loved so many of your bullets for this reason. One of my favorites: I fear my husband will discover it’s breast cancer awareness month and use it as an “opportunity to check for lumps.” Constantly. Hahahaha!!!
    Brittnei just rambled about…Part IV: Journey to a Healthier Life: 6/19/13My Profile

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I’m glad you enjoyed it and so glad you found me.

      Sadly, my husband DID discover the breast cancer awareness month. He actually says we need to be vigilant about checking for lumps.

      He recommends daily screenings. What’s wrong with him?!

  15. I am SO sorry my husband woke you at 6:30 AM. And btw, his balls aren’t that big!
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…From Little Brother to BigMy Profile

  16. So funny!! I can definitely relate to the vacation one! We never have turn down service! LOL! Thank you so much for sharing & linking up at Thank You Honey’s Whatever Wednesday Party!! I wanted to personally invite you to add me to your G+ circles or follow me on Twitter, Facebook, & Pinterest as I’ve done the same with you.
    Sarah just rambled about…Road Trip!My Profile

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