Christmas EveFor those of you who regularly read this blog, you know my husband frequently says some funny $hit.  You also know that I’m a complete fricking mess and the biggest mystery of all is why my husband stays with me.

That’s a different post for a different day.  I suspect a mental health professional(s) will be needed for that analysis.

Whenever my husband says something particularly inspiring ridiculous funny, I write it down in my phone so I can refer to it later.

Okay, I don’t actually write it down, but I type it into my phone, cursing the iPhone for not knowing what I want to type and cursing my mom for giving me fat fingers.

I suffer through all of this so I can write one of these fabulous posts that you all love so much.  You’re welcome.

So here are more funny things my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Yes, all of these are true, and yes, I also can’t believe he wasn’t snatched up before I found him.

The religious type

While driving around looking for a parking spot in a nearly full lot, my husband saw an open spot and went to pull into it.  He then saw the sign stating it was  “Clergy Parking Only.”

Matt:  “Damnit clergy!”

DSC00319Master of Puns

Matt:  “Who was that?”

Lisa:  “Someone wanting us to switch our credit card to a zero interest card for 9 months.”

Matt:  “Did you tell her we had zero interest in that plan? ” (grins sheepishly)

Vegetable lover

After not receiving his pad Thai with vegetables,

Matt: “I don’t need any of those bullshit veggies in my way.”

Financial Planner

Matt:  “I wish we had millions. I’d buy a f*cking wave runner. I’ve always wanted a wave runner.”

DSC00937Timeless Classic

While looking at shrubs for sale at the store, and staring at the shrubbery/bushes.

Matt:  “That’s a big bush. Like 1970s bush.”

Inspirational Coach

Matt:  “Did you ever read that thing I sent you via email?

Lisa:  “No, what was it?”

Matt: “It was uplifting, goddamn it.”

Trend Setter

Matt:  “I had a fanny pack when I was younger. It was cool and I put my Velcro wallet in it.

DSC00463Fun Police

Matt:  “Why is that guy being so loud?

Lisa: “He’s just trying to have fun.”

Matt:  “He’s doing it wrong.”

Androgynous

Lisa:  “I like this bedspread. It’s not masculine but it’s not feminine either.”

Matt:  “Aw, you just described me.”

Friend to Everyone

Matt:  “He’s a nice guy.”

Lisa:  “He defriended me on FB.”

Matt:  “F*ck that guy.”

Sound Machine

Matt:  “I’m just laying here making noises. Why is that creepy?”

Aren’t you inspired?  Me too.  I’m sure there are more, but my fat fingers just couldn’t record the comments fast enough.  That, and I didn’t want to put down my ice cream to type with both  hands.

I just wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice.

Don’t worry, though.  There will be more of these.  There always are.

funny crap my husband says, May 2013

30 Thoughts on “More funny crap my husband said: The May 2013 edition

  1. LOL! He’s too funny! Thanks for the laughs. You’re pretty funny yourself, lady.
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…FTSF: Favorite 80s MoviesMy Profile

  2. Cute, hunky and funny to boot! You hit the trifecta ;).
    Doreen@househoneys just rambled about…My Antique Ironing BoardMy Profile

  3. God that’s hysterical! My favorite is probably the vegetables comment. He appears to be quite the funny guy.
    Peter Licari just rambled about…Discovery: “Mermaids Real?”–Get Real!My Profile

    • He actually is pretty funny, but I don’t like to tell him that. I don’t want him to start thinking he’s a funny guy. I like to believe I’m the funny one of the relationship…or at least that’s what I tell him. 🙂

  4. What I loved most about this post? That you, too, have fat fingers that get chubbier when trying to type on your iPhone. Also? I think our husbands are basically the same person. HILARIOUS people with zero concept of style or current events, and by current events I mean anything to do with Justin Timberlake’s new album or Kim Kardashian’s cankles.
    whencrazymeetsexhaustion just rambled about…Get To MixingMy Profile

    • i think we may have married similar creatures, which is both exciting and disturbing. Disturbing because there’s more than one of them in the universe. 🙂

      And Kim Kardashian’s cankles are hideous.

  5. Funny! I love “friend to everyone”-made me laugh and hope my husband would be so loyal 🙂
    Rhonda @wine-y wife just rambled about…Broccoli Cheese SoupMy Profile

  6. Oh that guy is HILARIOUS!!! You sure caught a good one, Lisa! Glad I stopped by (finally) to get a laugh. Great stuff!! 🙂
    Chris Carter just rambled about…Devotional Diaries: Inspiration…My Profile

    • Thanks, Chris! I appreciate your support. And don’t tell him, but I also think I snagged a good one. I just don’t like him knowing it. the key to a good marriage is to keep them guessing….:-)

  7. Nothing like a cute guy that makes you laugh and stands up for you when some jackass unfriends you on FB. You hit the jackpot, girl.
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…Going Hands-Free: How I Plan to Make Myself Lazier and More Efficient My Profile

    • I know! He’s so stinking protective of me and it’s actually kind of funny. The defriending thing didn’t bother me in the slightest, but even little things where Matt thinks someone is being mean to me, and he gets mad.

      I secretly love it.

  8. So I’m not the only one who has to put up with a punny husband – at least he grinned sheepishly after delivering that one. Always love reading your Funny Crap my Husband Said monthly edition, Lisa!
    Dana just rambled about…Giving gifts is almost as fun as receiving themMy Profile

    • Ha! I’m so glad you enjoy these posts. I enjoy writing them because they really do remind me that I have a great husband and we have such a fun time together.

      I always thought it sounded cheesy when people say their spouse is their best friend and there’s no one in the world they’d rather be with. I never believed it, but it’s totally true. He is soooo my bestie and I know I’m lucky.

      But I still like to mock him. Your comment confirms that I must continue to do so…my reader(s) demand it!

  9. I hope that if I ever get married, my husband and your husband become best friends who sit around saying weird stuff together.
    Emelie just rambled about…So That Was Snow White’s Secret: She Smoked Crack.My Profile

  10. HAHAH Your husband is funny, I love it.

  11. Okay…the F*** That Guy is friggin’ priceless. I seriously snorted.
    Megly Mc just rambled about…Yet another post in which I am wearing no pants.My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it! It was actually pretty funny when he said it because it was IMMEDIATELY after I said I was defriended, and he was so passionate about it.

      That guy….:-)

  12. He definitely is a keeper!! Damn clergy!
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Hubs Needs a New CareerMy Profile

  13. My goodness- you are hysterical and so is your husband!! I think you guys probably make each other laugh on a regular basis! I love the veges one in the thai food!
    mel just rambled about…THOMAS the TRAIN Tour- Carver, MA- 4 ticket GIVEAWAY! #DOWTMy Profile

    • Believe me, he makes me laugh every day, and vice versa. I can’t tell you how many times we actually belly laugh.

      Come to think of it, I should have better abs with all the laughing I do!

  14. Bullshit veggies. Love it. And the Friend to Everyone lines. He’s definitely a keeper!
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…5 Things learned from walking with Fleetwood MacMy Profile

  15. You’re both epic! And Matt’s so funny 🙂

    Mike

    • Thank you! I will take all the credit for the humor and not tell Matt you think he’s funny too.

      It’s what a good wife would do. It will keep him from getting cocky. 🙂

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