Kissing at receptionFor those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that I frequently talk about my husband.  That poor guy puts up with so much of my abuse.  But then again, so do you, my dear reader.

Why do you read this blog again?  No seriously.  Why?  Send me an email and tell me.

Anyway, I know with every one of the posts I write about funny stuff my husband says, you’re wondering “How does she do it? How does she have such a happy marriage?”

I know you’re also wondering when Matt will wise up and realize he can do better and there’s plenty of other women out there who don’t fart like guys.

I’m wondering the same thing.  I’ll just stock up on air freshener until then and hope he doesn’t figure that out.

snapshot of getting marriedSince I regale you with random information that’s not at all useful, I’ve decided to switch it up and make this a useful and informative post.  Yeah, I know.  I’m trying something new and different.  Don’t get used to it.

Without making you wait any longer (mostly because I know you have short attention spans), here are Lisa Newlin’s secrets to a happy marriage.

These tips work for me, and they may work for you too.  But then again, do you really want to take advice from a chick who thinks watching The World’s Strongest Man on a Saturday night is a perfect date night?

Whatever. Just look at the pretty pictures and read it anyway.

close up of getting married 1.  Fear

Your husband should always be at least a little scared of you.  No more than 10% though.  Anything more than that would just make you a bitch.

2.  Compromise

This is done on his part only.  Your compromise is dealing with his wet towel on the floor every day of his existence, so you can’t be expected to compromise on which pizza joint you will patronize for dinner too.

You’re far too important for that.

0753.  Let him know you’re the boss

Can he have a guy’s night watching The Fast and the Furious and playing X-box?  Of course he can (assuming the parents of the 9 year-olds down the street are cool with it too.)

But don’t let him know you’re totally fine with getting him out of the house for a couple of hours.  Build suspense for a while, and he may just try to bribe you.

That leads me to my next point…

walking after wedding4.  Bribe him

To quote Martha Stewart*, “It’s a good thing.”  Granted, she is usually referring to making garden tools out of spaghetti and toilet paper rolls when she says that, but the phrase applies here as well.

Society tries so hard to convince us that bribery is a bad thing, what with all the scandals and whatnot.  However, bribing works.  Just ask the mafia.

*Note:  Don’t quote Martha Stewart when it comes to stock advice.

5.  Hire a cleaning lady (or man)

I’m not picky about the gender.  Either way, hire someone else to clean the house.  Lord knows you don’t want to do it, as you’re too busy bribing him, making him compromise, and letting him know you’re the boss.

Plus, it’s pretty hard to impart fear in someone when you’re elbow-deep in toilet water.

Now go and prosper and be happily married.  You can send your thank you gifts directly to me.  Cash is best.  Or burritos.  If you send cash, I’ll use it to buy burritos.


Secrets to happy marriage

37 Thoughts on “Lisa Newlin’s Secrets to a Happy Marriage

  1. Awesome sauce. This is an uberly important topic. 🙂 I hope my post on public bathrooms for Thursday will end up on the same list. Nahhh. I am not that cool.
    tam just rambled about…Texting Tuesday: The Elusive Dr. PepperMy Profile

  2. Love it! I’m all for the cleaning lady. I can barely get clothes put away. Bribery works with husbands and children.
    Michelle just rambled about…Welcome to my Life…Hard to Believe Funny StoriesMy Profile

  3. Okay, I love number one, and I’m working on #5. Hopefully, I’ll get a raise, so I won’t have to clean his dirty toilets anymore…I totally failed at division of the household labor.
    Natalie DeYoung just rambled about…That SongMy Profile

    • You can still divide up labor and make him do it. Did you not see my recommendation about fear and bribery? Instill fear in him, then bribe him to clean the toilet.

      Done and done!

  4. “But then again, do you really want to take advice from a chick who thinks watching The World’s Strongest Man on a Saturday night is a perfect date night?” YES.

    Have I mentioned that I love you and I want to get married right now so that the four of us can hang out and have copious amounts of joyous evenings together? It’s a thing I’ve thought about.

    I know you have too. Don’t try and deny it.
    Emelie just rambled about…It’s a Strange Form of Logic…My Profile

    • Why would I deny it?! That would be ludacrious! (not the rapper, although that would be awesome too).

      Don’t worry. I’m on the look out for a dreamy guy for you here in the STL. There are some awesome independent book shops here that you could make your bitch.

      It’s gonna happen. And we shall laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

  5. I LUV this! Fear-Compromise-Rule-Bribery-Hired Help. A perfect combo. Might I add pretending to let him think he’s brilliant. We all know it’s a lie, but it works soooo well.
    Cheryl Nicholl just rambled about…The Interior of a Sister-n-lawMy Profile

    • Yes! I love the 6th suggestion. It’s so true! Sometimes I let him think he came up with an idea when it was totally mine.

      I guess it comes down to manipulation. It’s really what love is all about.

  6. I am totally going to print this list out and hang it on the fridge. On second thought, I better not hang it on the fridge, but should probably print it in pocket size and laminate it so I can refer to it often, just to make sure I don’t forget anything. 😉
    Stacy Uncorked just rambled about…Pond StarMy Profile

    • DO NOT REVEAL THIS INFO TO THE HUBBY! This is top secret info. We can’t let him know the tricks we have up our sleeves.

      Wait. It doesn’t matter. As long as we have that certain something up our skirts, not much else matters. 🙂

  7. awww! You two are such a cute couple!! I agree that fear, corruption and bribery are the way to go! All dictatorial regimes have shown that it works well! And, a cleaning person would be awesome! 😀
    Roshni just rambled about…Tales of my fatherMy Profile

  8. I absolutely love this, my hubby knows I am the boss, and I bribe him often, truth is though he bribes me too. By the way you and your hubby looks super cute and happy
    Kimbra just rambled about…Post número 90My Profile

    • It sounds like you have this marriage thing all figured out and you don’t need my advice. Thanks for reading and commenting anyway.

      And thanks for the sweet comment about me and the hubby. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m ridiculously happy with him, and I swear we were made for each other. Who else would put up with me and my shenanigans?

  9. Well, you know #5 gets my vote. It is, after all, how we keep our fridge stocked with cannolis and other essentials.

    Now about those man farts….maybe it’s the burritos??
    Doreen@househoneys just rambled about…The Cutest Little Boy Ever!My Profile

  10. First of all – You’re a catch! As funny as your hubby is, you’re hilarious too. And for the record… I’ve always bribed my husband and offered “let’s make a deal!” It works and it’s definitely all in effort to compromise. (and get what I want lol) you rock girlie
    Rebeccafaith just rambled about…What a 4 Month Old Baby Taught MeMy Profile

    • Aw, thanks for this sweet comment! Honestly, I think my husband and I are perfect together, and we crack each other up every day. What’s a marriage without laughter? (And a boss…which is me).

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  11. Great advice, I agree 100% ~ As a Sicilian bride, I have mastery in the areas of bribery and fear. They seem to work the best. They are also very effective parenting techniques. It’s how I get the kids to clean the house.
    PS- Great wedding pics!
    Kim just rambled about…I’m In Love With Jeff Lewis And I Know It’s All WrongMy Profile

    • I find that bribery and fear work on most people in most situations in life. It’s my favorite tactic, mostly because it doesn’t require me getting off the couch.

      And now that I know you’re Sicilian, I will make sure to definitely not make you mad! 🙂

  12. I laughed out loud at your stock ‘don’t’ tip. High five for a most excellent post!

    • Thanks, Rosey! I actually threw that comment about the stock tip in at the last minute. I didn’t think it went with the theme of the post but I liked it. I’m glad you did too!

  13. Unfortunately, #4 is harder to do in this marriage, because only sexually related bribes really work on the hubs. So then I’m just leaving myself wedged in the corner. But I like fear. A lot.
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…Peanut butter and good hair daysMy Profile

    • The sexually related bribes will get you into trouble, so I try to steer clear of them and promise things like “I will watch the first 10 minutes of Star Wars.” That way it’s still crappy, but at least I can keep my pants on.

  14. I’m totally with you on the 10% fear tactic. It’s a MUST, especially when you start a family. If you haven’t mastered the “you best roll your arse outta bed and grab that screaming baby” stink-eye, practice NOW.

    P.S. What a beautiful bride!
    whencrazymeetsexhaustion just rambled about…Reliving My Childhood, One New Kid On the Block At a TimeMy Profile

    • Although we don’t have kids, I have a great “let the whining dogs outside right now or I will cut you” face down.

      And thanks for the comments about the wedding! Those were just snap shots, but our professional photos are amazing, as our photographer is CRAZY talented. I just didn’t want to mess with putting those up with the copyright stuff and all.

      It really was the perfect day, and exactly what we wanted!

  15. I dunno. I like your list and all. It made me laugh. You always make me laugh. It’s a fine list. But something’s telling me that there are other secrets to your happy marriage.
    Rachel just rambled about…Holidays without My FatherMy Profile

    • Aw, thanks Rachel. Yeah, I’d say the biggest key to our happy marriage is laughter. We laugh every day, and I really think that’s what makes it so fun. Marrying your best friend helps.

      But then again, so does fear. Its why I made it number one. 🙂

  16. I’m down with this list… especially the get them out of the house part 🙂 Mine never leaves..ever!
    Thanks for hooking up to the HumpDay Hook Up
    Molley@A Mother Life just rambled about…The Homeless Take Credit Card…? Begging joins the 21st CenturyMy Profile

  17. Thank you so much for sharing your post on Whatever Wednesday on Thank You Honey!!

  18. I’m praying that my girlfriend doesn’t read this. She’ll double the fear level and deny my offers of Chipotle. So no, Lisa; no burritos for me means no burritos for you.

    I was expecting a helpful post, now I have to find a way to sabotage my girlfriend’s internet connection. Thanks for the laughs, though. They’ll at least keep me cheery while she reminds me of how she’s the boss.
    Peter Licari just rambled about…Is Snowden Guilty of Treason? Let’s Have the Grown-Ups Talk About it.My Profile

    • It’s best that you learn these lessons now, rather than later. In a strange way, you should thank me.

      And let’s face it, your girlfriend is the boss. I feel confident in saying that.

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