MH900401128We don’t have kids, so bath time at our house is pretty uneventful.  Matt simply takes his rubber duckies and does his thing.  I just have to make sure he gets out before he prunes.

The other night there was a funky odor in our house, and since we had Mexican food for dinner, we assumed it was our digestion.  We assumed wrong.

After the side effects of the nacho bar subsided, the stench lingered.  So did the indigestion.

As the dogs gathered around us on the couch, looking for guidance on their activities for the evening, we realized the putrid smell wasn’t our bodies’ aversion to avocados.  It was our dogs.  Our smelly, smelly dogs.

Before we could think it through, we agreed to give two of the three dogs a bath.  All three dogs would be suicide, and since Meatloaf says two out of three ain’t bad, we figured that was good enough for us.

If it’s good enough for a C-level “musician” (term used loosely) named after a meal made entirely of beef, then it’s definitely good enough for the Newlins.

dog in sudsBath time it was!

Matt decided to bathe Shady Jack and I took Bentley.  We left Max to fend for himself, mostly because we figured he licks himself so much that he’s probably cleaner than most of us, or at least his genitals are, as that seems to be the focus of the licking.

He’s also a good brother and keeps Shady Jack and Bentley’s manly parts clean as well.  He’s a stickler for hygiene (except when he eats poop.)

I can’t speak for how the bath went with Shady Jack, but I saw the bathroom afterwards and it looked like a massacre of small animals in there.  It was like Dexter’s work room, only instead of blood it was hair; lots and lots of black hair.  And instead of killing, it was bathing.

Okay, so it wasn’t like Dexter’s work room at all.

This isn't good enough for Bentley.  He demands better.

This isn’t good enough for Bentley. He demands better.

Bentley, on the other hand, didn’t so much shed as he did shake and whine the entire time as if he was being assaulted.

He’s a drama queen, and not a fan of baths (or other dogs, or anything that suggests he’s an animal or inferior to anything).  If he could talk, he would have screamed obscenities and most likely called the authorities to report the obvious abuse.

He would also most likely complain about his horrendous living quarters, as he only has 2 pillows to sleep on.  What is he?  An animal?  Pft!

I bathed Diva Bentley in the kitchen sink, as he’s five pounds, and the sink is the perfect size to accommodate what he most certainly would refer to as torture.

He strongly disagreed with my plan, and let his position be known through his whining and shaking.  I could see his mind working as he tried to plan his escape, all the while screaming out for rescue.

When the torture bath was done, I attempted to dry him off, which only further infuriated him.  The look on his face told me he was wondering “How dare she use a regular towel to dry me off when a velveteen blanket would be more proper? I’m British, after all.”


small_3950008I put him down and he ran around the house at lightening speed, making sure to roll around on every surface to ensure the horrid water dried off quickly.

After the two dogs were clean, their dirt and hair dirtying up our bathroom and kitchen, Matt and I decided to sit down and enjoy the fruits of our labor (and the chocolate fruits from our Edible Arrangement).

As we sat there stuffing our faces with chocolate covered strawberries, we noticed the smell was still there.  How could that be, as we bathed Shady Jack and Bentley.  Could we be imagining it?

We further investigated and discovered it was Max.  Our sweet, sweet Max.

Unfortunately, we bathed the wrong dog.  So we did what good parents would do: decided not to give him a bath, but sprayed him down with dog cologne instead.

We’re really good parents like that.


Bentley bath

Pure. Torture.

32 Thoughts on “Bath time at the Newlin’s!

  1. That picture of Bentley in the sink with his eyes all buckaboo is priceless! Clearly, you’re torturing the poor thing and he’s letting you know that in no uncertain terms. Can’t you tell he’s trying to tell you ‘mommy, it’s not me, it’s Max! Don’t believe me? Smell his nuts and you’ll see he’s been neglecting his hygiene’.

    And two out of three sucks…
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    • Now that I’m looking at it, you’re right. He’s obviously trying to tell me that it’s Max’s junk that smells, and not his.

      And we are all about the rescues and spay and neutering, so none of our dogs have balls. I also hate balls.

  2. Than you for having the courage to take Meatloaf down a few notches…It was about time!
    How do you feel about Tom Petty? I can’t fight him alone.

    Bently is a great name for a dog. I wanted to name one of our cats Chester P. McWhiskers but I was thoroughly shot down.
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    • Ok, once again… Clever name hunny but our cats are girls! I could not saddle either of our precious baby girls with such a highfalutin moniker. Plus you didn’t tell the whole story. He wanted the cat graced with that name to wear a top hat and a monocle.
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      • I assumed a cat with that name would HAVE to wear a top hat and monocle. Anything less than that would be a slap in the face to the feline.

        However, it’s not a female name. Perhaps Mr. McWhiskers? She could be a widow. Or Widow McWhiskers. That would invoke pity in the other cats.

        She could have a top hat and monocle, or maybe just an afghan.

    • It takes more than just one person to take down the mighty Meatloaf. That guy is enormous!

      I’m on board to help you fight Tom Petty. Maybe we can catch him while he’s “Running Down a Dream?”

      NAME YOUR NEXT CAT CHESTER P. MCWHISKERS! I will back you up on that. It’s brilliant.

  3. Poor, poor puppies…gettin’ blamed for the stank! 🙂
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  4. At year 8 years in, and 2 kids deep, I sometimes wonder how much time I could be saving if only I could wait and bathe them when the stench becomes too much to hide from the public. We’ve pushed the envelope a few times, but then our shame kind of gets to us. Stupid shame.
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    • Shame gets in the way of so many things. You know, your kids need to learn how to take some criticism. You don’t want them to grow up to have thin skin (and delicate skin because it’s constantly being pampered with a loofah and gentle soap.)

      I say you give them a few days off of baths. It will toughen them up and make them stronger adults. You’ll be doing them a favor.

  5. Poor guys getting a bath when the one responsible for the smell got a get out of bath free card lol poor babies
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  6. Bentley’s face is PRICELESS.

    My dog just trembled like a leaf and tried to look as pathetic as possible. When he was younger, he’d try to jump the tub so one person would don the bathing suit and hold him while the other washed. Quite the process so I don’t judge you a bit for using doggy cologne.
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    • Doesn’t he look like he’s saying “Why are you torturing me, mama? I’ve been so good to you!”

      He’s such a diva.

      And what I didn’t tell you is that I have to remove my shirt to give him a bath. Don’t get me wrong, I wear a bra or a sports bra, but still. That guy will flail around and get water everywhere!

      Doggy Cologne really is awesome. I used a tropical fruit scent on Max. He’s as good as new!

  7. Our dog was terrified of baths when we first adopted him. He learned-he figured out that “Hey, they’ll use WARM water on me.” He does quite well now. All I have to say is “Bath?” and he’ll run upstairs and jump in. He only does that for me, by the way, (because I’m awesome). I’m so picky about how my doggie smells-I had to go to Target and smell all of the dog shampoo before I settled on the right one. Now that being said, he still has to stink to high heaven before I’ll bathe him. I even have a bottle of raspberry spray right here in case he’s stinky! So see, we too spray our doggie down when odorous…
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    • I need your dog to explain to my dogs that baths aren’t that bad, and they’re not torture. If you could drive on down and make that happen, that’d be great.

  8. Funny post. Thanks for the laugh. And poor Bentley! Or should I say, “poor Max.”
    I have to share a funny story. I was at my fiance’s (now husband) house and I took my sweet old dog, who was in the beginning stages of the canine version of Alzheimer disease, with me. Because of her disease, she was developing urine incontinence so I had a diaper on her. She wasn’t having bowel issues, yet. I was sitting on the sofa with T watching a movie when my dog walked slowly in front of us on her way to another part of the house. Suddenly, I smelled a horrid stench and I quickly jumped up from the sofa to go check if my dog crapped in the diaper. It was clean! When I walked back to the couch, I noticed T was trying hard to keep his composure and that’s when I realized that he had farted (the silent, deadly kind) as my dog walked in front of us. Needless to say, his lame effort to cast blame on my poor dog failed.

    • OMG! Please tell me you wrote a blog about this, or if you haven’t, you are planning on doing so!

      It’s an inexcusable crime to blame a deadly fart on a helpless creature! 🙂

  9. I just read a post about dog baths at 1:39am. I am questioning my life decisions right now to see if there’s room for improvement.
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  10. Sounds like such a FUN night!! Ha. You guys will be such great parents if you went on to have THREE kids too!!! That third child would be such a stinker!!! 😉
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  11. Love the description of what led up to the bathing! Laughed out loud!-The Dose Girls
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  12. Hahahaha – that’s spectacular. Gio hates baths so much. I once tried to hose him down and he sounded like I had broken his legs and abandoned him on some railroad tracks.

    Okay, that comparison just made me super sad. I’m gonna go hug my dog.
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    • Poor Gio! You obviously torture him. 🙂

      Wait, the smile was not for the torture comment, it was to show I was kidding.

      Wait, I shouldn’t kid about dog torture. I shouldn’t kid about any sort of torture.

      Maybe I should put a frowny face? 🙁

  13. LOL! I’ve always loved dog expressions after they’ve been tortured by a bath. Yours is priceless!! Thanks for sharing your bath time adventures with us @ My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party 🙂

    The Wondering Brain
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  14. Ozzy Pups hates bath time. I don’t get it. I thought dogs were supposed to like water. Maybe they just hate the soap?
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  15. Oh my goodness! I have to laugh! Bath the wrong dog- LMAO!!! The pictures of your doggies are just too darn cute!!! Thanks for making my night!
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