ASSAULTI’m a bit of an eater.  Okay, maybe that’s an understatement.  It’s like saying Tiger Woods dabbles in golf, or that Kayne West is only a bit of a douche bag.

This girl loves to eat and doesn’t like anything to stand in the way of her and any sort of dipping sauce.

So when I went to lunch with my friend Scissorhands (not her real name) and her mom, I was there for the company, but I was also there for the food!

I arrived and we began chit chatting and catching up, all the while pretending as if I was interested in our conversation and not the appetizers at the table next to.  (Would it kill them to offer their neighbor a bite of their dip?)

We figured out our orders and the overly perky waitress came back to take down our requests.  My friends are healthy and skinny, but I love them despite these obvious flaws.

They both ordered healthy dishes, and the waitress then turned her attention to me.  I could tell she was rooting for me to order something healthy too.  I could see it in her face.

It’s probably the same look I have when I root for the addict on Intervention to stay away from the back alley heroin deal, knowing full well they will find themselves giving blow jobs in a garage for a couple bucks to score some “h.”

photo credit: Sebastian Mary via photopin cc

photo credit: Sebastian Mary via photopin cc

Much like the heroin junkee, I sucomed to my addiction and ordered a pizza.  I like to think it was a healthy pizza, as it had olive oil, mushrooms and goat cheese on it.

But I suppose calling a pizza healthy is like calling this blog funny.  We all want the statement to be true, but it just isn’t.

The waitress looked at me with disappointment in her eyes. “Would you like a salad with that?” she asked, hopeful I would agree to eat at least one thing that day that wasn’t filled with carbs and trans fat.

Um, no thanks,” I said, glaring at her and wondering why she cared so much about my health.  Obviously I was a woman who knew what she wanted, and I wanted a crispy crust on my fatty pizza.

salad

Plus, I always feel stupid ordering a salad at a restaurant.

I feel like the waiter is thinking “Yeah, like this ONE salad is going to help you lose the 100 pounds you need to drop.  Just give up fatty and get the lasagna.”

The waitress walked away quickly.  I can only assume the get up in her step was because she knew my cholesterol must be high based upon my eating choices, and she wanted to get my order in before I died and she failed to get her tip.

I was on to her game.

I patiently waited for my food,  performing an ocular pat-down of every item that came out of the kitchen.

My stomach was growling and I had a hard time focusing on the conversation over the sound of my stomach eating itself.

Finally, the food arrived.  Well, some of the food.  Apparently the waitress felt like torturing me some more, so she brought out the food my friends ordered, and left me to sit and wait, salivating at the prospect of my food being so close, yet so far away.

I waited for her to say something spiteful, like “Dance, monkey, dance,” but instead she smiled at me and said “Yours takes a little longer and will be out shortly.

Translation:  I’m going to make you wait for your food, as it’s probably the only time today you will have an increase in heart rate.  (She wasn’t wrong.)

After what felt like a lifetime, but was probably only 3 minutes, the waitress brought out my pizza.  I couldn’t tell if it was what I ordered or not because the entire pizza was covered in arugula.  Seriously.  It was covering the entire carb-loaded plate of goodness.

food with lettuceShe looked at me with satisfaction in her eyes, and I swear I saw her flip me off as she walked away.  No wait, that was me who did the flipping off…

Why would this woman douse my pizza in tree leaves?  I didn’t understand it.  I considered asking her for dressing for my impromptu salad, but was afraid she would come back to the table wielding veggies and a fruit cup, so I refrained.

Despite its lack of dressing (and lack of anything fried or flavorful), it wasn’t half bad.  I mean, it wasn’t good enough for me to continue eating it, but it wasn’t horrible either.

Maybe that waitress was onto something with the healthy eating.

I would give that some thought as I rolled through the Dairy Queen drive thru later for dessert.

I pushed the leaves aside and began devouring the pizza goodness.  After a while, the lettuce became so overwhelming that I considered eating it to make more room for the pizza on my plate.

I took a bite of “salad” and figured it would be the best way to spite the waitress, as I was sure she wasn’t expecting me to eat it. In fact, I was confident she had a running bet with the dishwasher in the back as to whether I would touch the leafy greens.  Well she was about to lose her $5 bet to Manuel.

I stabbed some lettuce and shoved it in my mouth before I could reconsider my spiteful eating.

54 Thoughts on “Assault with a healthy salad

  1. Nice work! A waitress once did something like that to me, only with mushrooms instead of green leafy crap. No worries, I picked off all the mushrooms and smashed them in her little book along with her tip. Take that, skinny bitch! Lol.
    donofalltrades.com just rambled about…Minor ranting on welfare and a goofy alderman.My Profile

  2. Well, I’m a skinny vegan, but I still love to eat. A lot. Even pizza. And salad. Can we still be friends?

    Anyway, if I’m going out to eat and actually spending money, I will NOT be guilted into buying something I don’t want thankyouvermuch. I’ve been a server, and unless I could sell someone something to make me more money, I wasn’t going to influence their choices. Good for you 🙂
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  3. Skinny is overrated. Who needs cool clothes anyway when you can have muffin top? What else can you think of that makes getting bonked easy peasy? Maybe being three feet tall with big ears, no teeth and a flat head to rest the beer on would be a close second.
    Doreen@househoneys just rambled about…Fast and Easy Father’s Day GiftMy Profile

    • I like to think the muffin top is trendy and I’m bringing it back…er…forward…

      Which reminds me…back fat is totally going to be in too. I’m making it happen! (yelled emphatically)

  4. OMG … I am laughing hysterically over here! That was awesome. I would have gotten up and donkey punched the waitress in the throat and then ordered a side of berry cobbler or something!
    Bahahaha!!!

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    Lanaya @ Raising Reagan just rambled about…My Daughter’s Getting Married?My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! Thank you for visiting and commenting. And of course, the waitress was super skinny, so she didn’t understand my “husky girl” plight.

      Whatever. She should have been happy with my order, as my pizza was more expensive than a salad was, so she got a bigger tip.

      And don’t worry, I stuffed my face with cookies when I got home, just to spite her.

  5. You are too good! If someone ruined my pizza with a bunch of leaves I would not be so calm about it. This is a very entertaining and hilarious post!
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    • I had to keep my cool because there were children present, but I assure you, that was the only reason. WHO ADDS LEAVES TO A PIZZA?!

      I feel like it was probably insulting to Italians, don’t you think?

  6. I have an appetite and I love to eat with people who love to eat so you and I need to eat in Chicago. I laughed hysterically at the line, “my pizza was healthy with goat cheese and mushrooms and olive oil!” LOL
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    • Well, Julie, I’d say we will eat our way through Chicago in a few short weeks. I need to prepare an agenda with eateries and times. Make sure you pack something with an elastic waistband!

      I’m really excited!

  7. I feel stupid ordering a salad too but for a different reason. Salads are a strange, alien thing to me. When I reluctantly agree to a salad I am barraged with a complex web of options. I usually just blurt out “Caesar” like I was recoiling from someone about to take a swing at me. It’s the easiest way. Then I curse myself, if had the courage to navigate the dark forest of salad options I could have been rewarded for my curiosity with Ranch dressing! I would ask for Ranch with a side of ranch which I would heap onto the salad or take home and fry up some Ranch balls.

    I also hate when they passive aggressively take my order for Coke and bring me Diet Coke. I know these games all too well
    Brian just rambled about…The horror of 70′s pop music.My Profile

    • FRIED RANCH BALLS SOUND AMAZING! Don’t toy with me. Have you ever made them? I need to know because now this is all I want in life.

      A few years ago in Austin I had fried goat cheese balls and it was pretty much the best thing I’ve ever tasted.

      And the Diet Coke…”I know these games all too well” had me laughing out loud!

      • I’m working on the ranch balls…There are structural issues involved in getting dressing to stay in ball form, breading them and frying them. For my next attempt i’m going try freezing them before breading and frying them. I fear, however, that this way the outside will be hot and the center still frozen although maybe i could market this as a breaded frozen ranch jawbreaker. hmm time to grab my lab-coat and get in the kitchen
        Brian just rambled about…The horror of 70′s pop music.My Profile

        • Ah yes, getting the dressing to stay in a ball is the hardest part. At least with the goat cheese it was malleable and could be manipulated into a ball.

          Did I just use the scientific term malleable? Why yes, yes I did.

          What if you doused a piece of cheese in Ranch dressing, like swiss or chedder, and then tried to fry that?

          I don’t think a breaded frozen ranch jawbreaker is a viable option. It’s not good for someone on the go.

  8. You and I would have a great time at dinner together! I love appetizers and carb-loaded meals 🙂
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  9. What are you talking about, your blog is hilarious. Not funny, pfft.`I actually like rabbit food on my pizza 😉
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  10. I seriously doubt she gave a flip what you ordered.
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  11. I just ate at Crazy Bowls and Wraps this weekend, when I visited your lovely and way too humid city, which was WAY healthier fast food than I’m used to. I ordered chips just to make myself feel better.

    ALSO, do you remember your gansta lawn gnome? I have been searching everywhere for him as a housewarming gift for my sister who just moved into a snooty neighborhood. I cannot find it. 🙁
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    • DO I REMEMBER MY GANGSTA GNOME?! I say hello and goodbye to Jerry every day! My parents came up this weekend and they greeted him at the door too!

      I must admit that he has a friend, and I just haven’t written about him yet. Stay tuned for that.

      I got Jerry at Walmart for $3.00 in the gardening section, and my husband got his friend there for the same price as well.

      I didn’t see them on line, so you may have to brave Walmart. However, I can assure you it’s worth it to see that little guy in person.

      And I didn’t know you were in my crappy city this weekend!

  12. I knew I’d love this post as soon as I saw the picture of the pizza. I am a foodie, a fatty, whatever you want to call it, I damn well LOVE food! I get those evil looks from the waitress too when I order the high carb stuff compared to my skinny friends who live on lettuce leaves and are beginning to look like rabbits to me. At least no one will mistake me for the Easter bunny next year. I’ll be the one eating all the chocolates out of the kiddie’s baskets. And now I know what to serve you when you come down south for your next visit here—-PIZZA sans lettuce leaves!!!
    Menopausalmother just rambled about…Father’s Day FailsMy Profile

  13. This is hilarious. It’s funny when you can feel what the waitress/waiter is thinking about your food isn’t it?? My challenge is my hubby, he’s fine if I order anything but fries. “French Fries???” he always asks incredulously, like he has the last ninety two thousand times he’s heard me order them. “They’re so bad for you.” Then it’s his turn and he always orders a beer…a big one at that… -_-
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    • I hope you respond with “Beer? You’re ordering a beer?” I would then proceed to stick my finger in his beer when he got it. You know, just to keep it even. I mean, him referencing your french fries order is a horrible offense. It’s also unAmerican. 🙂

      Next time just order freedom fries. Maybe your husband’s beef lies with the French.
      Lisa Newlin just rambled about…Assault with a healthy saladMy Profile

  14. Dude. I fucking love arugula on everything. Anything and everything. Even pizza. Noms. Even doused in rabbit food, it’s still delicious and eating the whole thing is still wildly unhealthy.
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  15. What a judgmental jerk. You should have flipped the table and been all “I SAID NO SALAD, WOMAN.”
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  16. Ha! The comments are almost as entertaining as this post….almost. Fellow fatties unite!! The only allowed leaves on a pizza, IMHO, are basil leaves.
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  17. Oh, sweetie! I’m sorry the lady was mean to you. Or at least, you think she was. Why would anyone pick salad over a pizza, anyway?

  18. Didn’t you know that the lettuce or whatever it was on top actually counteracts the calories in the pizza? I swear I read that somewhere ….
    Mama Marmalade just rambled about…3G Isolation WoesMy Profile

  19. I am so beyond in love with you. You crack me up like no other. People come to Charlotte so we can be BFF’s. Thanks.

  20. I only go out to dinner with friends who will order carbs, alcohol, and answer “hell yes” when asked if they would like a basket of bread. The other day I ate spinach and had a piece stuck between my teeth for an hour before someone told me. That sealed the deal – pizza would NEVER get stuck in my teeth!
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    • You and I would do great at dinner together. Who denies a basket of bread?! Someone I don’t want to go to dinner with, that’s who.

      And your position on pizza not getting stuck in your teeth is brilliant!

  21. Leslie on June 11, 2013 at 9:12 pm said:

    Hilarious! I get looks when I order diet coke as clearly diet coke isn’t going to help me any but I like the taste better. lol

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    http://www.violetimperfection.com

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  23. I really enjoyed your post! I don’t care if you weight 700 pounds, you should be able to order and get anything you chose. It’s your money and it’s your life. Visiting from I Love My Post Blog Hop. I followed you on Pinterest, Google+, and Twitter. I will be back to read more of your posts, you have a great sense of humor.
    Betty Taylor just rambled about…Small Town TraditionsMy Profile

    • Oh, you are so sweet to read and comment! I’ve been away from the blog for a few days as work has been busy, but I very much appreciate you reading and commenting.

      And I enjoyed every second of that pizza!

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