Other n-wordsFor those of you fatties foodies out there who love Paula Deen, I’m sure you’re aware of the recent lawsuit filed against her by a former employee.

The suit alleges sexual harassment, racism, and use of the N-word.  It also alleges she over-uses  butter and grease in all of her recipes.

Just kidding.  It’s impossible to over-use butter and grease in a recipe.

Does Paula Deen deny using the N-word?  Of course (N)ot.  In fact, she freely admits to it.

This admission probably won’t help the strength of her defense and if she insists on maintaining this position, she should consider a diversionary tactic with the jury.

I would suggest winning them over by serving them fried chicken and cupcakes.  It would put the jurors in a food coma just before evidence is presented, and voila!  Acquital is made!

It’s a brilliant plan and I can only hope to be chosen for that jury.  I can also hope they’re chocolate cupcakes.

photo credit: alex.lines via photopin cc

photo credit: alex.lines via photopin cc

Anyway, back to the alleged racism.

Perhaps what’s most disturbing to me about the allegations of racial slurs against African Americans is the fact she frequently looks like she’s wearing black face.

I’m not sure if it’s intentional, or if she’s just too liberal with the bronzer, but there are times I swear she looks like she’s a performer in a vaudeville show.

Considering how liberal she is with sugar and frosting, I’d say the same is true about her use of bronzer.

Regardless of what her motives were for using the N-word, I hope she learns from the experience.  I also hope she branches out and learns other words that start with an N.

Here are a few I’ve come up with that she should learn and insert into her repertoire immediately.

photo credit: sielju via photopin cc

photo credit: sielju via photopin cc

Night Cream

Night cream would be a great word for her to learn.  A little dab will go a long way to reduce those wrinkles.  I’d recommend she buy it by the pound.

Non-Fat Dressing

Non-fat dressing is another great word for her to learn.

Wait, come to think of it, she’d have to learn the word “salad” before she could learn about non-fat dressing, so maybe I’m pushing it a little.

Nordstrom

Another great N-word she should learn is Nordstrom.  Queen Deen needs a new wardrobe, and she needs it since 1995.

Afghans and pearl necklaces do not a classy outfit make.  She needs to burn all of her clothes and head to Nordstrom immediately.

photo credit: nemuneko.jc via photopin cc

photo credit: nemuneko.jc via photopin cc

Nutella

Nutella is an N-word she should not only learn, but should use liberally.  I realize this isn’t a healthy ingredient, but I’d just like to see what she does with it.  I suspect she’d find a way to fry it and serve it with powdered sugar.

That’s an N-word I could get used to her using.

Hopefully this post will help Paula see that other N-words can be great, and most of them don’t evoke feelings of hatred and fear.  In fact, some of them actually evoke feelings of hunger and excitement.

Someone pass the Nutella.

This woman cracks me up.  It's probably going to be me in a few years. photo credit: Diueine via photopin cc

This woman cracks me up. It’s probably going to be me in a few years.
photo credit: Diueine via photopin cc

Okay people, I’m super swamped with stuff* because I’m super important.

*I’m almost to the final level in Super Mario Brothers 2 and I can’t be bothered to update my blog.  A girl has priorities.

So, because I know you will shrivel and die without hearing from me regularly and reading my musings, I’ve decided to write a post with a compilation of some of my random Facebook updates over the years.

In a way, they’re my musings and thoughts, and every one of them is pure gold.  Obviously.

  • I just saw a guy at the grocery store at 8:45 this morning buying Vodka and pizza rolls. He’s gonna have a good day!
  • The best way to determine how much someone loves dogs is to see how many nose prints are on the inside of their car windows.
  • I just J-walked in front of a police officer.  I’m such a rebel!
  • A couple next to me at the pool has been arguing all day. I’m considering drafting their divorce agreement for free if they will shut up.
  • I need a power nap. And by “power nap” I mean a week of doing nothing but sleeping.
  • I’m  headed to the shooting range this morning to learn how to shoot a gun. If all goes well, I encourage you to be nicer to me, as I may be packing heat from here on out.
photo credit: niffyat via photopin cc
photo credit: niffyat via photopin cc
  • Last night’s workout was definitely counteracted by the Big Mac and fries I had for dinner.
  • Dear obnoxious biker dude, Yes, you have a Harley and it’s loud.  We’re all impressed and know you have big balls.  Now shut up.  It’s 6:30 a.m.
  • I just learned that my dog is the humper at doggie daycare.  Is that like the biter at kiddie daycare?
  • I’m going to dominate the golf tournament today. And by “dominate” I mean “sit in the golf cart and drink beer.”
  • I’m watching thin models on America’s Next Top Model while stuffing my face with pizza.  It’s invigorating.
  • Pre-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…but I scraped it off.”  Post-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…better leave early so you can scrape it off.”  **DISCLAIMER** Matt scraped my windows this morning. Whether prompting was involved is another story.
  • I fear my husband will discover it’s breast cancer awareness month and use it as an “opportunity to check for lumps.” Constantly.
  • I’m embarrassed to report that every night of vacation when the maid comes in to turn down our bed, we’re already in it. Pa-thetic!
  • I’m beginning to think that Halloween on Facebook is far better than Halloween in real life. I get to see everyone’s cute kids in costumes, but I don’t have to (1) get up to answer the door or (2) share my candy.
  • I’ve done nothing all morning and I predict more of the same for the rest of the day.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I fell asleep at the spa today in the meditation room, but even more embarrassed that my snoring woke me up.
  • I’m hoping the Rams will feel my presence at the game today and pull out a win.  If not, I’ll just drink.  It’s a win-win.
  • It’s much easier (and more fun) to ingest calories than it is to burn them off.

So yeah, inspirational, right?  I’m pretty much like a daily devotional.

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc