For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that I frequently talk about my husband. That poor guy puts up with so much of my abuse. But then again, so do you, my dear reader.
Why do you read this blog again? No seriously. Why? Send me an email and tell me.
Anyway, I know with every one of the posts I write about funny stuff my husband says, you’re wondering “How does she do it? How does she have such a happy marriage?”
I know you’re also wondering when Matt will wise up and realize he can do better and there’s plenty of other women out there who don’t fart like guys.
I’m wondering the same thing. I’ll just stock up on air freshener until then and hope he doesn’t figure that out.
Since I regale you with random information that’s not at all useful, I’ve decided to switch it up and make this a useful and informative post. Yeah, I know. I’m trying something new and different. Don’t get used to it.
Without making you wait any longer (mostly because I know you have short attention spans), here are Lisa Newlin’s secrets to a happy marriage.
These tips work for me, and they may work for you too. But then again, do you really want to take advice from a chick who thinks watching The World’s Strongest Man on a Saturday night is a perfect date night?
Whatever. Just look at the pretty pictures and read it anyway.
Your husband should always be at least a little scared of you. No more than 10% though. Anything more than that would just make you a bitch.
This is done on his part only. Your compromise is dealing with his wet towel on the floor every day of his existence, so you can’t be expected to compromise on which pizza joint you will patronize for dinner too.
You’re far too important for that.
Can he have a guy’s night watching The Fast and the Furious and playing X-box? Of course he can (assuming the parents of the 9 year-olds down the street are cool with it too.)
But don’t let him know you’re totally fine with getting him out of the house for a couple of hours. Build suspense for a while, and he may just try to bribe you.
That leads me to my next point…
To quote Martha Stewart*, “It’s a good thing.” Granted, she is usually referring to making garden tools out of spaghetti and toilet paper rolls when she says that, but the phrase applies here as well.
Society tries so hard to convince us that bribery is a bad thing, what with all the scandals and whatnot. However, bribing works. Just ask the mafia.
*Note: Don’t quote Martha Stewart when it comes to stock advice.
5. Hire a cleaning lady (or man)
I’m not picky about the gender. Either way, hire someone else to clean the house. Lord knows you don’t want to do it, as you’re too busy bribing him, making him compromise, and letting him know you’re the boss.
Plus, it’s pretty hard to impart fear in someone when you’re elbow-deep in toilet water.
Now go and prosper and be happily married. You can send your thank you gifts directly to me. Cash is best. Or burritos. If you send cash, I’ll use it to buy burritos.