Not one unread emailI have an iPhone.  Yeah, I know.  I’m in an elite group.  Me and everyone else.  I’m like a fricking unique snowflake that isn’t unique at all.

However, with my lovely iPhone comes a myriad of issues, mostly caused by me because I’m technologically illiterate.

Seriously, I’m a moron when it comes to anything that has a memory card or is considered “smart.”

I have no idea how to work most things, including my TV.  If it isn’t a TV/VCR combo, I don’t know how to use it.

I’ll just stick to watching my VHS tapes of Romey and Michelle’s High School Reunion, The Office, and Ever After.

Yes, I really have all of those on VHS.  If you want to borrow them, I require a deposit.  Laffy Taffy is acceptable payment.

Since I can’t operate my DVR,  it’s not wonder I’m clueless about my phone.  (On a side note, I also have Clueless on VHS.)

These were the good old days.  You risked breaking a finger, but it didn't tell you there were unread emails.

These were the good old days. You risked breaking a finger, but it didn’t tell you there were unread emails.

I know how to check my email and how to make calls, but that’s about it.  I don’t have Suri on my phone, so I’m completely lost.

No, literally. I get physically lost because the map on the phone is super confusing.  (Don’t tell me to go northeast. I don’t know which way is northeast as I don’t have a fricking good look at the sun. RIGHT OR LEFT, A-HOLE?)

I suspect it may be a good thing that I don’t have Suri, as I think she may be a spoiled rotten little brat who carries purses that cost more than my monthly mortgage payment.

This could be because (1) she’s a materialistic b*tch, or (2) my property value is $hit.

It’s probably both.

What was I talking about again?

Oh, my super glamorous iPhone, that has food randomly stuck in the “home” button.  I think it’s peanut butter.

Sometime in the last few days, my iPhone started saying I have one unread email message.

Um, no I don’t.

No, I fricking don't!

No, I fricking don’t!

I’ve gone to my email online and it says I have no unread messages, so I don’t know why my iPhone insists on being a know-it-all.

Maybe I do have Suri after all.  It’s totally something she would pull.  Her and her $1,000 shoes.

I’ve done everything I can think of to MAKE IT STOP SAYING I HAVE ONE UNREAD EMAIL!

Nothing works.  Nothing.  I’ve turned it off and turned it back on.  I’ve scrolled through to find said unread email.

I’ve also tried bashing it against the wall.  Surprisingly, that didn’t work either.

Author’s note:  When I refer to “unread” emails, I simply mean those I haven’t opened.  Just because I open an email doesn’t mean I’ve read it.  

That would be a ridiculous assumption to make.  I just seriously hate the little red number telling me I have to open an email.  It’s like it’s judging me and telling me to get some work done.  BACK OFF APPLE!

It’s not like the iPhone is a work horse.  He/she shuts down randomly, freezes up, and just acts like a snot frequently.

I guarantee these old geezers know more than I do about technology.  I've named then Gene and Fran.

I guarantee these old geezers know more than I do about technology. I’ve named then Gene and Fran.

I think these are all indicators that Suri is just jacking with me, even though she isn’t on my phone.

Or at least I don’t think she is…<insert paranoid face here>

So I’m going insane about this one red notice that says I have an unread email.  NO I DON’T!

So if I go all Amanda Bynes in the next few days, you’ll know why.  She does have excellent taste in wigs.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s what led to her demise.  Just sayin’…