dog runningWho? Who? Who?

No really. Who?  It’s a totally legitimate question and I want answers!  Yes, there’s a story.  Isn’t there always?

First off, I will readily admit I’m a sleep walker. I’m also a sleep talker, and if you ask my husband, a sleep scolder and a sleep nagger too.

What can I say? I’m dedicated to my wifely duties and I’m an overachiever.

I can have entire conversations while sleeping and the person talking to me probably has no idea I’m sound asleep. I might be asleep right now as I type this. You’ll never know.

My sleep activity doesn’t necessarily have to do with the fact I get about 5 hours of sleep a night, although I’m sure that doesn’t help.

mphI think its just because I’m always going a million miles an hour, and can’t slow down, even when I’m sleeping.

I can, however, slow down significantly, practically to a snail’s pace, if doing so will get me out of something I don’t want to do. Like clean the bathroom….or talk about my feelings.

I’ve always been a sleep walker but lately I think I’ve been doing better. I suppose there’s no way to measure that for sure, but since I haven’t been charged with assaulting the neighbor’s cat while wearing only a house dress, I’d say I haven’t been sleep walking as much.

The cat wears the house dress, not me. That would just be weird.

So last night, I went to bed about 1:15 and I woke up at 2:00 to Bentley whining. This is not an uncommon occurrence, as he is a super diva and regularly demands things such as fresh water and a pillow fluff.

I’m not kidding.

Bentley on couch

See what I mean? Diva.

polar bearWhile I tended to his every need, I realized Shady Jack wasn’t at the foot of the bed. I knew he was there when I went to bed less than an hour ago, so I decided to investigate.

I walked into the kitchen and looked out into the back yard and saw the light was on outside.

That was strange, as I’m crazy about turning off lights. If I don’t need it, I turn if off. I don’t want polar bears in the North Pole dying because I want to get a better look at what slutty outfit the neighbor is wearing across the street.

It’s easier to spy with the lights off anyway.

I walked over and turned off the lights, apologizing out loud to the polar bears. That’s when I saw Shady Jack’s face staring back at me…from the other side of the door.

This is a re-enactment.  It's not from the night in question.  This was taken during the day.

This is a re-enactment. It’s not from the night in question. This was taken during the day.

jack with toy

He prefers to snuggle with his toys.

Um, what?

I opened the door to let him back in and he seemed unphased by the incident. I tried to get him to tell me who let him out, but I suspect he didn’t want to embarrass me or put me on the spot.

He also seemed more interested in licking his crotch. I can’t say I blame him.

I shrugged it off and went back to bed, grabbing a few cookies before I went.

When I woke up this morning, I asked Matt if he let the dogs out last night and he said no. I believed him because I have to do everything around here.  He suggested I did it in another one of my sleep walking episodes.

He then proceeded to tell me the front door was unlocked this morning when he left for the gym. He may have just been throwing it in my face that he went to the gym this morning, but whatever.  I sleep walk.  That’s cardio.

I was concerned about the unlocked door because I’m crazy about locking the door.  It’s one of the last things I do before I go to bed.

That, and eat some cookies.

And then it hit me. Jerry did it. I probably got up in the night and we had an engaging discussion about the tax code and why he hates tax basis accounting.

Jerry close upAs a side note, don’t ever bring up no-par value stock to Jerry. Lesson learned the hard way.

I bet Jerry came in to take a break from guarding the house, and after our enlightening talk, he decided to let the dogs out so I could go back to sleep.

He then sensed danger at the front of the house, so he returned to his post to secure the premises, thus, forgetting Shady Jack.

He left the front door unlocked because he’s a fricking garden gnome and can’t reach up to lock it. Duh.

These types of problem solving skills are what make me a champion at Clue.

I suspect this closes the case on who let the dogs out. It was Jerry. Someone alert the Baha Men so they can stop asking that obnoxious question.

However, I won’t know for sure it was him for another week, as that’s how long it takes the local police to bring me up on indecent exposure charges.

Hypothetically.

47 Thoughts on “Who let the dogs out?

  1. Vicky on May 23, 2013 at 10:38 pm said:

    He’s only been with you a short time and Jerry’s already causing trouble. Silly gnome!

  2. monica on May 23, 2013 at 11:08 pm said:

    “I believed him, because I do everything around here.” I think I peed my pants laughing at this…that or because of my bladder control issues since having a child. Also your sleepwalking had me thinking that you should get a motion alarm. They put them on the elderly when they try to get up from their wheelchairs or bed to prevent falls. Unless you are not suppose to wake up a sleepwalker?

    • Ha! I aim to pee….er….please, so I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      I wonder if I should get a motion sensor. My doctor says it’s a myth that you shouldn’t wake up a sleep walker. Believe me, I asked. The only time you shouldn’t wake them up is if they’re on top of a cliff or something. I guess that makes sense, because if I was on top of a cliff, I’d want to be asleep for it.

      The problem with the motion alarm is my husband will totally know when I get up at night and sneak cookies. 🙂

  3. Hahaha! We have one of those electronic dog doors so the dogs can let themselves in and out. Much easier than being at their beck and call. The thing goes up and down all day long. Sometimes I think they just stand in front of it to watch it go up and down. And the funny thing is the cats have their own door in the basement but rather than walk down the stairs, they will go to the dog door and wait for a dog to let them out.
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    • But does that dog door allow other creatures to come in? I’m always afraid I would get one of those and then be greeted by a raccoon* in the middle of the night.

      *Clarification: A raccoon other than the one I see in the mirror when I go to bed wearing mascara.

  4. “I sleep walk. That’s cardio” Damn right it is! Hilarious… Jerry is a little trickster though, eh?
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  5. I laughed at the sleep cardio thing as well. I thought it was really funny.

    It reminds me of all the many times my dog managed to escape the backyard– even after we got it gated. He was a little Houdini.

    Have you considered that, perhaps, the dog convinced the gnome to let him out? He seemed entirely unphased, perhaps he was planning it. You never can tell with dogs.
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    • You know what? You’re right! Shady Jack is stealthy and sly like that.

      He’s a rescue, and lived on the street for about 2 years. (We volunteer with a charity that rescues street dogs…which are those that are either born on the street or are homeless.)

      He had to have been scrappy to survive nearly 2 years on the street in a rough part of the city, so I bet he used his powers of persuassion to convince Jerry to open the door and let him out.

      You’re totally right! It’s Shady Jack’s fault.

      I knew that guy was Shady.

      And now I guess I owe Jerry an apology. What do you think I should give him? A new battery for his phone?

  6. Great post! Hilarious! I sleepwalk too. 😀
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  7. I barely sleep, but I’m not tired in the day so my doctor says it’s fine. I don’t think I sleepwalk, although I am awesome. But, I have fallen asleep while typing…opened my eyes and seen a sentence, trailing into gibberish with some random words thrown in. Is that sleep typing? I’ve also woken myself up by dropping my iPad or phone Ono my face.

    I knew it was Jerry. He was just trying to help a brotha out.
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    • Yeah, Jerry’s a good gnome like that.

      And I fall asleep doing all the things you mentioned. I also fall asleep while dictating, which is a problem, as that’s how i work. My poor secretary has to try to decipher the nonsense I say.

      Today I gave her dictation with a note that just said “I nodded off. Sorry. I tried to remove as much as the nonsense as possible, but I’m sure I didn’t get it all.”

      I also fall asleep sometimes responding to comments. Last night on ITPR I wrote a ton of comments and I don’t remember them because I totally fell asleep.

      This morning I saw them and thought “man, I’m clever when I’m sleeping!”

  8. You are freaking hysterical, this post was funny enough as it was. Also a little shaming, because I have no intention of letting my dogs out again, and the last time they went out there was still some daylight. BUT then you bring Jerry in. I actually laughed, with sound and bed jiggling. Oh Jerry, how I look forward to your continued antics. You are a funny gnome, I will not worry about the inconsistencies, ie he can unlock the front door, but not lock it again. Because who really cares, and gnomes are magic.
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    • I actually wrote it to be inconsistent because I thought it would be funnier if someone caught it. How could he open the door to let himself in and then not be able to close it? Why do I find that hilarious?

      I’m glad you caught it because believe it or not, I was intentional!

      I have some serious plans for Jerry and this blog. We just met on Saturday, but I can already tell he’s going to be a big inspiration. 🙂

  9. Not to throw things totally out of whack but did you consider the fact that if Jerry can’t lock the door than he can’t unlock the door…

    Sorry if I just messed everything up and now you have to come up with another scape goat for your scantily clad neighbor that keeps coming into your kitchen at night to steal your cookies.

    P.S. What flavor are they anyways? I like peanut butter. No, I don’t live anywhere near you.

    Thanks for linking up each week to my BlogLovin Hop (http://www.journeysofthezoo.com/search/label/BlogLovin%20Hop).

    Besos, Sarah
    Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
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    • You know what’s funny, is that I totally thought of that! I just figured the whole thing was preposterous so a little slip in logic and reality would go unnoticed.

      I should have given my readers more credit! Thanks for keeping me on my toes.

  10. Sneaky bugger, but what if it was raining and the dog was stuck outside!
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  11. SmackOfHam on May 24, 2013 at 8:16 am said:

    Really enjoyed this as always. This reminded me of an old joke:

    I was woken from a dead sleep by the sounds of a girl pounding on my door. Eventually, I had to get up and let her out.

  12. I have been wondering for years, who let the dog out!! Thanks for clearing that up. I don’t sleep walk but wish I did so that I could blame my nighttime cookie eating on that. Funny post! 🙂

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it, and that I could answer a very pressing question. My blog is full of those sorts of answers, as you know. 🙂

      And sleep walking is the perfect cop out for pretty much anything. Bought too much on line? Sleep shopping. Ate all the cookies? Sleep eating.

  13. I know that you are in love, but I’m sorry, I told you that gnome was creepy.

  14. I laugh in my sleep. My boyfriend has panicked conversations about work presentations. Apparently we are all weird.
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  15. This is too funny! My husband is the sleep walker/yeller/talker in our house. Oh my Lord, he is terrible! It’s crazy what he does in his sleep and has no clue the next morning!! That gnome is hysterical! I’m not sure why but they kind of freak me out…I guess because of those Travelocity commercials! Have a great weekend!
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  16. Jerry looks a little like Willie from Duck Dynasty, but with a white beard.
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  17. For clarification, is Jerry posted inside or outside? Just curious as to his motivation is all. Neighbor in slutty underwear, Jerry tries to get out…just putting the pieces of the puzzle together.
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    • Hi-larious! You’re totally right about Jerry’s ulterior motives. He just wants to see some gnome boobies.

      He is currently posted outside, but he will be around the house in various locations watching over people to make sure they aren’t doing what they aren’t supposed to do.

      So basically, Jerry is everywhere.

  18. I think Shady Jack and Jerry are in cahoots.
    And why not, when they can blame it all on your sleepwalking?
    Those two are brilliant!

    Just keep your eye out for a keg in the back yard. And possibly tipped over Harley’s. Jerry looks like he might have a few hoodlum friends.

    I wonder if they knew each other before…

  19. Oh Jerry, you daffy gansta, you…

  20. The gnome may be trying to get rid of the dog. Sometimes sibling rivalry doesn’t become ready apparent. I’d watch them closely when they’re together.

    Good luck w/the sleepwalking though, turning on lights & unlocking doors is actually scary stuff!
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    • You’re hilarious! I bet you’re right! Shady Jack is from the street but now has a good life, and Jerry had a good life and has turned to the streets. He’s probably mad at Shady Jack for going to the dark side.

      I’m going to have to keep an eye on these two…..

  21. My college roommate used to talk, laugh, and have entire conversations in her sleep. She was like you — a million miles a minute all day long and couldn’t seem to slow down even when she slept. I now think one of my son’s has sleepwalking episodes. I’m not 100% sure, but if the dog is let out in the middle of the night, I’ll know it’s him.:)
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  22. I can slow down to a snail’s pace to avoid cleaning the bathroom or talking about my feelings. I think we have a winner! Can’t you just talk to yourself about your feelings? Isn’t that like cardio to the front door? hmm..

  23. How funny and they totally say gnomes are tricky I’m sure it was him lol thanks so much for linking up to FURRY FRIENDS FRIDAY loved this story thanks for sharing
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