The various annoyingI’ve been part of the Facebook world for a few years.  I’m actually so familiar with Facebook that I wish there was a way to “like” people’s work emails instead of actually responding.

I think this would facilitate better response time and happier work environments for all.  Liquor in the office would also help, but one step at a time.

But with the perks of Facebook, like checking up on high school friends and finding out what your creepy neighbor is doing, comes the other end of the spectrum.

girl laughingI like to make funny status updates, as no one wants to read about my ingrown toenail or razor burn. If only other Facebookers limited the sharing of personal information as well.

Instead, various categories of status updates have developed, and I’ve divided them into descriptions.

I’m pretty sure that all of you know at least one person in your list of Facebook friends that meets each of these criterion.

And if I am one of those people, feel free to delete me immediately, and kill me now.

The cryptic poster

crypticWe all know this person.  This is the poster who puts something on their status just to make people ask questions about what’s going on.

I wish it would all get better” or “How can people be so cruel?” are just a few of the posts in this poster’s repertoire.

These people are craving attention and most likely have daddy issues and a cough medicine addiction.

Okay, maybe that was a little bit of a generalization.  Some of them may have a Tylenol PM addiction as well.

I make it a point to NEVER comment on these posts, as I don’t like to validate the behavior, and I definitely don’t want to know why they’re being cryptic.  If we were really friends, I would know what the problem was.

Since we’re only Facebook friends in the world of cyberspace, I don’t care enough and really just want to watch another video of a puppy trying to climb out of a clothes basket.

So stop being cryptic.  We all know you’re waiting on your test results to see if you have the Clap.  Stop trying to hide it.

The constant poster

green clockI don’t so much have a problem with this poster, as I find him amusing.  This is the person who updates his status every 2 minutes with absolutely nothing of importance.

I know everything about this poster from the time he gets up in the morning to the duration of his bowel movements.  I can calculate it based on when he’s not updating his status.

What?  Like you don’t do the math too.  Come on.

This poster always makes me feel better about my own life, as I barely have time to scratch my ass, let alone update the world that I had chicken tenders for lunch.

My favorite occurrence is when the constant poster has 2 posts in a row that show up immediately next to each other in my news feed.

If I find 3 of these posts in a row in the feed with no posts from other friends intermingled, I call it a jackpot and celebrate with a 40 of beer and an entire bin of cashews.

Nothing says winner like some cashews.  Seriously.  They’re delicious.

The complainer

sad woman1Everything in the world is always wrong and no one else has it as bad as this person.  You’ve got a cold?  They have a cold superimposed on the flu.

You can’t pay your bills?  They’re hooking on the street for money.  You’re having a bad day?  Their cat died because their brother ran over it with his car.

These people make me want to vomit, but I don’t because I know their vomit would inevitably be worse than mine.

The thing about these posters is that they never really have a clue about life, and most of the time they actually have it pretty good, but they are too self absorbed to notice.

These people need to make an appointment with a shrink (or keep the one they’ve made), and get over themselves.

The party pic poster

woman with wine glassThis is another one of my favorites.  This is the person who only updates his status when he’s drunk, and finds it necessary to upload 30 pictures of himself and the same two people at the same function all in the span of 15 minutes.

I love this guy!  If you take a look through his photos, the only pictures ever uploaded are drunk photos from 2 a.m.

I like this poster and prefer to view all pictures from this friend.  I also enjoy when these photos include the ever-so-famous “duck face” that people do where they purse their lips for the camera.

I’m not sure who told people this looks sexy, as I think it makes the person either look constipated, or like they had a reaction to a lip injection.

If my husband looked at me and made this face I would probably think he was having a stroke, not trying to entice me to “sexy time.”  The presence of this face would actually ensure that he slept in the guest bedroom for a good 3 nights.

The inaccurate spelling and grammar poster

spellThere’s always a few of these in every bunch; the people who are incapable of writing a single post without spelling and/or grammatical errors.

These posts always hurt my eyes and make me lose confidence in our school system.  Sometimes they can be fun if the person doesn’t include proper punctuation, as I like to read it the way it’s written, and then guess how the writer really meant it.

Some of these people need to learn the importance of a period, although I have a feeling a few of them learned that importance fairly early in their sophomore year of high school…when they missed theirs.

The constant seller

money in pocketbookThis is the person who has a side business (or 5) and they sell something no one wants, but act like every product is a “must have.”

No, I don’t want a pore reducer made from the shit of a fire ant from South Dubai.  I’ll stick with Noxema.  It’s cheaper and it doesn’t require me to order from a catalog or pay shipping.

And no, I don’t want your Tupperware.  That’s what tin foil is for.  I like to form it into shapes, which always just end up looking like blobs, but it sparks creativity for me and I enjoy it.

That, and I’m trying to make a foil ball bigger than Pee Wee Herman’s at his Playhouse.

Also, I’ve heard of Gladware and my cabinets are filled with it.

jar of coinsFor $3.99 I can get several storage containers and then I don’t feel bad about throwing them away when I leave them filled with food in my car for 5 days and ruin the container.

Come to think of it, that might be the cause of the smell in my car….

I could go on and on about other types of posters, but I don’t want to turn into a blog poster who writes long posts.  So I will stop for now.  Besides, I need to update my Facebook status anyway.

61 Thoughts on “The different (and sometimes annoying) Facebook updates

  1. Carrie on November 9, 2011 at 5:10 pm said:

    Note to self: Do not invite Lisa to my Tupperware party 😉

  2. Anonymous on November 9, 2011 at 7:11 pm said:

    lest us not forget the 4D sonogram poster. yuck.

  3. Anonymous on November 9, 2011 at 8:34 pm said:

    Lisa, do not forget the bragger! I have ‘friends’ who only post when they are bragging about what awesome thing just happened to them or where they are going…esp when they ‘check in’ at some awesome place in NYC or something when they haven’t posted anything in two months!

  4. Teresa Smith on November 9, 2011 at 10:16 pm said:

    Hilarious. Trust me, I post a lot but my breaks do NOT automatically equal BM’s! hahahahaha

  5. Anonymous on October 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm said:

    I TOTALLY AGREE. facebook is so annoying now i like only get on it once a week just to check up on things to see if anyone like family is trying to get ahold of me. otherwise, its just all annoying people at my school

  6. HA HA, all of this is so true! Lisa you are so wise… Now if you’ll excuse me I have some things to go post on Facebook…
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…Theme Thursday: Qapla’!My Profile

  7. Emily on May 16, 2013 at 11:19 pm said:

    This was so great and so on the mark…one of my favorite posters is the TMI person. I once saw a guy post a status when his daughter got her period for the first time. I kid you not. That poor girl will be in therapy for years over that I’m afraid…but boy did I laugh at that one

    • That is somehow child abuse! That poor girl had to be mortified. And how did the dad think that was a good idea?

      Do you think he took her to Walgreens to get tampons and announced it to everyone that she was bleeding from her vagina?

  8. SmackOfHam on May 17, 2013 at 12:09 am said:

    How about the “Super Sharer” who will share other people’s photos and links in blocks of twenty, ensuring carpal tunnel issues as a result of trying to scroll through your timeline to verify that every other human you know has not been erased from the face if the Earth?

  9. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I know every ONE of these kind!!! Great hilarious post!! I agree you need to add the “bragger”… 😉
    Chris Carter just rambled about…It’s A GIVEAWAY! A Really Good One…My Profile

  10. I was just stopping by here on my way to Facebook, and wanted to point out to you – um yeah, you need to get out of my head. If you keep writing all my posts before I remember to get around to them, how the hell am I supposed to go broke faster?
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…Does wearing pearls make my toilet look fat?My Profile

    • I think this just means that great minds think alike, and I’m a bigger procrastinator than you are, as I use my blog to keep me from working at night. 🙂

  11. I just changed my profile pic on Facebook and it was me playing silly, I was pursing my lip to the camera….and no I wasn’t drunk. lol!
    Rina just rambled about…The Thing That He SaidMy Profile

  12. Lisa, I know too many of these types of posters and seriously you said it quite perfectly here. And I wanted to vote for you, but didn’t see a link to 🙁
    Janine Huldie just rambled about…Finish the Sentence Friday Blog Hop #20My Profile

  13. I try my best not to be any of those types of posters. But I sometimes fail. However, you will never catch me trying to sell something or post something that looks like a 5 year old typed it LOL.
    Nikki just rambled about…Iron Man and Mother’s DayMy Profile

  14. Hey now, don’t leave out the relationship obsessors: “flowers from my boo, he’s the best! Happy 4 months, baby!!” These people are often overlapped with the public communicators “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST DAD A GIRL COULD ASK FOR!”

    … I don’t know your dad…

    …people celebrate 4 months? How bad are you at relationships?
    Emelie just rambled about…Rules for Life: Sometimes I’m a Copy-Cat, but That’s Okay.My Profile

  15. I love this. It’s so funny and I can relate to them all; particularly the constantly boring (and constant) poster. Yah, I have donuts too, but don’t always rave about them!
    Estelle
    Estelle just rambled about…Essays from the Heart and a Free Financial Webinar from Mothers & MoreMy Profile

  16. Hahaha! Funny stuff…you are so on the money with this one. I HATE Facebook. Up until I started blogging, I did not belong. Even now, I am in hiding…shhh! A) I do not want to be your FB friend when in real life you ignore me in the school parking lot and B) I really do not care to hear about your manicure, what your are watching on tv right now, how great your kid is or the poop schedule of your toddler. Sorry, I know that sounds obnoxious…when the topic isn’t FB, I really am a nice a person! 🙂
    Kim just rambled about…Evolution Of A BedroomMy Profile

  17. Oh, this is good!!! We all know someone like this on Facebook. There’s 2 others who drive me nuts–the ones who drunk Facebook at 3:00am by sending private messages to their friends and spilling their guts (oh wait, that was me…) and even worse, the person (usually a female) who tags you in every photo she posts–the ones where she looks awesome but you have grease on your lip while eating fried chicken or spinach in your teeth when you smile. Gotta love Facebookers like that! Great post, Lisa–you had me laughing all the way!
    Menopausalmother just rambled about…Livin’ Large In Zumba LandMy Profile

  18. Oh, this is so true. The facebookers that get me though are the LANGUAGE ones! Come on people there are just some words/pictures you don’t Post. I saw a video where they cut off a woman’s head & I wanted to barf. YO, MY GRANDKIDS GO ON FACEBOOK! Come on pardon the pun, but let’s use our heads not cut them off to spite ourselves. People just don’t use there heads anymore. Thanks for sharing, and joining my linky! Have a great weekend.
    XmasDolly just rambled about…How I am became my own Fairy Godmother by Lorena Bathey Review/Give-Away 6.01My Profile

    • Ha! “let’s not lose our heads.” Hi-larious! And so true! I also can’t believe how much information people share on Facebook. Some people will tell you really personal stuff!

      Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  19. Damn…Damn…Damn….Grammar you got me. Guilty as charged… I was thinking…I would probably add the following.

    – The poster that should not have a smartphone because they fat fingers. (I would also fall into this category)
    – People who troll other people just to start a fight.

    Anyway, Dangit. Thank you for letting me know I am that person….Next on Lisa’s blog…Bloggers who just stop blogging and go back to fixing computers….
    TAM just rambled about…Saving Boobs and Killing Babies….My Profile

  20. You are toooooo funny! I look forward to reading more. Thanks for following Mommy Time Out
    Angela just rambled about…Wayback Wednesdays Week 100 & Blog HopMy Profile

  21. Amazingly. Enough I did well in college english, but back then it usually took me 2 days of proofreading.
    tam just rambled about…Saving Boobs and Killing Babies….My Profile

  22. Great list… I am probably most ilke the party photo sharer, only I only post at giants games. Weird. You forgot to add “the tagger without permission”. No, I didn’t want EVERYONE to know that I am at mcdonald’s on the side of the freeway with you, thanks.

    Thanks for stopping by my party!
    Erica @ Nannypology just rambled about…Party With Me!My Profile

    • I despise the “tagger without permission!” And it’s always a photo where you look horrible and he/she looks fabulous. Um, I can tag that shit if I want to, but don’t tag me when I’m not wearing a bra and double fisting Cheeze-Its.

  23. Lol, crap, I’m starting to get self-conscious now. Maybe that’s why I lost all my friends on Facebook.

    P.S. What’s the URL for Humor Blogs?
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…Driving for Dummies: How to Pass CarsMy Profile

  24. So you follow me on FB huh? 😉

  25. Thank you for this post – it is exactly what I would have written if I wasn’t worried about backlash from some of my friends who are guilty of annoying updates. Actually, your post is funnier than mine would have been. Crap.
    Dana just rambled about…I Dreamed a Dream…I was a Broadway starMy Profile

    • Oh Dana, I guarantee yours would have been hilarious! I just couldn’t think of anything to write about, and then decided to look at Facebook to get ideas.

      I then became irritable and angry and this post was born.

  26. Uh oh! Did you just write a post about me???? LOL! just kidding :). Awesome post!!!! Thanks so much for sharing this with us @ The SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party 🙂

    Jessica
    http://www.thewonderingbrain.com/2013/05/my-favorite-posts-show-off-weekend-blog_17.html
    Jessica just rambled about…My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party #6My Profile

    • Jess, you know I’d never write a mean post about you! But you know you have friends on Facebook who fall into these categories.

      With admission comes acceptance.

  27. Hahaha. 🙂 You sure you don’t want that pore reducer? Ant shit probably makes a good pore reducer…As one of the co-hosts from the My Favorite Posts Weekend SHOW OFF Party! I wanted to personally thank you for linking up with us. Also, I’m hosting a Facebook like party on my blog where you can link up and increase your Facebook likes! I’d love it if you joined in too! It’s here: http://anyonitanibbles.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/skinny-apple-cherry-ombre-smoothie.html
    Anyonita just rambled about…Liebster Award + Double Link Parties!!My Profile

    • No! I don’t want any pore reducer cream, nor do I want some “turn back time lotion” or “get that shit smell out of your bathroom deodorizer.”

      I swear someone probably sells that. (Actually, that may be something I need.)

      Thanks for coming to my blog and commenting and inviting me back for more. You poor, poor soul. Now you’re never going to get rid of me! 🙂

  28. Hilarious…you forgot about “Look how pretty I am” or “tell me how pretty I am” poster. This would be close to “The party pic poster” with the small exception- on the blurred photographs, taken by phone in front of the mirror you can see only one person- HERSELF- why, oh why? Does she really think she looks good?
    (The inaccurate spelling and grammar poster- that’s me:()
    Emilia just rambled about…Inspired TV consoleMy Profile

    • As soon as you said the “tell me how pretty I am” poster, I immediately thought of one person in particular. Granted, she is attractive, but I can tell with every photo that she’s practically begging for someone to tell her her beautiful she is. And people always do.

      Barf!

      And if you post funny stuff, then I can overlook the inaccurate spelling and grammar. 🙂

  29. You must be reading my facebook page…that is if I ever had time to look at it. 🙂 I’ve got one of all of those. Very funny! Thanks so much for linking up at the Real Family Fun link party! Hope to see you next week.
    KC
    KC @ The Real Thing with the Coake Family just rambled about…Cupcake Recipe {Vanilla Chai Latte Mini Cupcakes}My Profile

  30. I’ve just discovered your blog today and have procrastinated all day by reading snippets here and there. LOVE it!! I know every one of the people in this post, and worry about becoming one. Biggest pet peeve – GRAMMAR!! Unfortunately with the invention of the iPhone autocorrect is my enemy. I am a stickler for spelling, grammar, punctuation etc. I HATE text speak. Unfortunately autocorrect (and overly large fingers for the iPhone keyboard) end up making my posts look like a 7yo wrote them. And that’s when I can actually understand what I meant to write.

    Keep up the great writing. Look forward to reading more from you
    Wendy just rambled about…Remind Me Again When They Grow Up?My Profile

    • Wendy,

      I’m SO glad you found my blog and that you enjoy it! Hopefully I’ve given you some laughs. How did you find it?

      Thanks for reading and commenting. Hopefully I will keep you laughing and entertained.

      • Thanks 🙂 Definitely some laughs. I’m not quite sure where I got to your blog from. I recently started my own and was looking for recommendations to follow. I think I started with The Bloggess who was recommended by a few friends, and then wandered through some on her blog list, and I don’t know if I came to yours through another blog list, or through a comment on another blog. It was kind of a meandering route to get here, but glad I did 🙂 Have subscribed and looking forward to keeping up. Your perspective on life is similar to mine – that’s scary and comforting at the same time 😉
        Wendy just rambled about…Remind Me Again When They Grow Up?My Profile

  31. I’ve got someone in the category “The Jester” in my Facebook feed. This person, in constant need of attention, will post silly pictures of him/herself making faces or doing other rich comedic material, fishing for comments and likes.

    I was afraid you were going to slam “The Foodie,” who posts restaurant photos of meals while you sit on your couch eating a microwaved bowl of Doritos and a Fresca. I may know someone like this… 🙂
    SmackOfHam (John) just rambled about…The Blackout! Book Available Now! – eBookMy Profile

  32. Nailed. It.
    Ellen @ Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms just rambled about…How To Get Conversations With Your Kids RollingMy Profile

  33. Pingback: The 6 Most Annoying People On Facebook - What The Flicka?

  34. “The Workout Addict”
    The person who constantly update’s their status telling everyone when, where and for how long they will be working out, what equipment they’re using, programs their following, how much they weigh, how many pounds and inch’s they’ve lost, before and after pics of themselves, pics of themselves working out, constantly telling everyone else that they need to be doing exactly what the poster is doing, and constant insults on those who do not work out like they do. A popular insult I see a lot goes something like this: “NO excuses, look at ME, if I can do it, YOU can too, I don’t want to hear anyone’s reasons because they are NOT GOOD reasons!!!”

    • YES! I have a few of those people on my page and I’ve just started hiding them. Um, hello. I know I’m fat. I don’t need you reminding me.

      Every once in a while I like to post a photo of a cupcake on that person’s wall.

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