That gnome isBelieve it or not, I’m not a garden gnome kind of gal.  I know, it’s hard to believe, as me and my moo-moo dress (sans bra) totally scream “I have lots of magic trolls and celestial balls outside my house!”

Actually, I literally scream that, but it’s only to keep the crazy neighbors away.  It works too, because we don’t have any crazy neighbors.  Wait a minute…maybe I’m the crazy neighbor…

Regardless of whether I reside in Crazytown, one thing is certain: I’ve fallen in love.  Allow me to explain.

Saturday, Matt and I went to Walmart.  Yes, Walmart.  I know.  We obviously hate America, but we also hate high prices.

We also hate ourselves whenever we go there, but the hate dissolves quickly when we realize we can toot around the store on a motorized cart (assuming they aren’t already checked out by fat people.)

This recent trip was for plants.  We needed flowers to spruce up our house.  Flowers were our attempt to hide the fact that our shutters need to be painted and our front steps are suffering from a bad case of scoliosis.

Enter geraniums and daisies.

As we walked around the gardening section of Walmart, cursing ourselves and our love of a bargain, I ran across this fine looking gentleman:

Jerry close up

Bad A$$.

There he was.  Standing on a shelf, looking all street-rat and tough, yet there was a softness to him.

Matt was a few aisles over, and if we were in a normal store, I would have politely called or texted him and asked him to join me in aisle 7.  However, when in Rome, do as the Romans, right? So when in Walmart, yell loudly to people in your party because no one gives a $hit.

MAAAAAATTTT!” I yelled, in my best scratchy voice, trying to mimic the sound of years of cheap cigarettes and alcohol abuse.

What?” he screamed, from approximately five feet away.

Check this out, yo.”  I said, trying to embrace the essence of the gnome.

Whoa!  That gnome is gansta!” was all my darling husband could muster up for a response.

I knew we had to have him. (The gnome, not my husband.)  We adopted him immediately and give him the home he clearly needed.

As we drove home, I looked over at him, all buckled in safely in the front seat.  (Matt sat in the back.)

Jerry in seatbelt

You’re never too gansta for safety.

What was his story?  What made him get to this lowly place?  Well, maybe it wasn’t a totally lowly place, as he was on the second to top shelf at Walmart before we rescued him, which is a pretty high rank in the retail world.

I looked into his unevenly and sloppily painted eyes and I saw his story.  Not really, I just saw the imperfection in the paint, but whatever.  Follow along.

Is that a TI-86?  Hell yeah it is!

Is that a TI-86? Hell yeah it is!

His name is Jerry, and he was a corporate accountant for a large company before he turned to thug life.

Jerry was a fierce accountant, with a specialty in stocks and an eye for earnings tax.

They called him “Journal Entry Jerry,” and he ruled his accounting staff with an iron fist.  (And an iron internal control system.)

But one day, he traded in his calculator for a Colt and had an overall breakdown.

(See what I did there?  “Overall breakdown” because he’s wearing overalls, but he also had a breakdown “over all.”  Yeah, it’s brilliant.  Give it a minute to sink in.)

So what would be so horrible to cause Jerry to shun secured transactions?  What was so bad to make him turn a blind eye to budgets?

I didn’t know, so I turned to my ever insightful husband for answers.

What do you think made Jerry go gansta?” I whispered softly, making sure Jerry didn’t overhear my inquiry.  I didn’t want to offend him, especially if he wasn’t ready to talk about his past.

I’ll tell you what made him lose it.  Cuz bitches be trippin‘,” was all my sweet groom said.

Yes, I married that guy.  I know.

Aren't we a cute couple?

Aren’t we a cute couple?

But maybe he’s right.  Maybe Jerry had enough of the corporate world and women always sweatin’ him for cash and capital gains.  Maybe Jerry wanted to go to a different life.

I can’t fault him for that.  If I could go to work everyday wearing denim overalls and a sweet medallion, I’d do it too.

I let Jerry know we weren’t there to judge.

Then I looked a little closer and realized that although Jerry had gone gangsta, he still had hints of his old life.  They were there, but hidden a bit.

For instance, I’m not sure if Jerry has a gun in the hand that’s in his pocket.  He might, or he might not.  It could just be an abacus he uses to count his cash from pimpin’ hos.

Either way, if you put a debit where a credit should be, Jerry will still cut you.  He’s not above it.  Seriously.  Or maybe he’ll just send you a polite, yet strongly worded letter, advising of your error.

But that’s not all.  Do you see Jerry’s red bandanna?  It’s yet another throw back to his number crunching days.

Jerry and Max, sharing a laugh.

Jerry and Max, sharing a laugh.

He’s trying to make a statement with the red by saying “You don’t want to be in the red when it comes to your fincances.”

As much as he tries, Jerry can’t break away from his true love; numbers.

So we’ve decided to adopt Jerry and give him a new home, where he’ll always be loved, but will also serve a purpose.

We put him in the best place ever.  A place where you might not know he’s there, but he’ll be watching.

We live in a house built in the late 1940s, and it has three steps you must walk up to get to the front door.  If you look to the left and down, you will find Jerry.

He’s hiding in the bushes, out of plain view from the street, as he’s hiding from the po-po.  However, he’s watching the comings and goings of our house, protecting us from danger, or maybe just an audit.

I’ve named him Jerry Yardcia, as that’s the domain over which he will preside.  Look at that swagger.

Jerry in yard

His eyes follow you when you move.

Here are a few other places Jerry has been spotted around our house.  He’s everywhere.  Yes, indeed.  Jerry Yardcia will always be watching, with a phone in hand, ready to call the IRS.    

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87 Thoughts on “That gnome is gansta!

  1. “…or maybe just an audit?” ~ Ridiculous! I almost didn’t read this one, as I think that gnomes, in general, are creepy (and it’s late and dark right now)…I can’t say your post changed any of that, however, he does remind me of that cute paper doll Flat Stanley in your slideshow…but in a creepy kind of way. Thanks for the laugh….again! 🙂

    • You almost didn’t read this one?! *Gasp* *Fake being offended!*

      Well, I’m glad you did read it, and hopefully it didn’t give you too many nightmares about gnomes. I’m flattered you braved the creepiness of the gnome and read the post anyway. I get it. They’re fricking creepy!

      And now Matt and I are in love with Jerry. We talk to him and say hello and goodbye when we leave. We actually call him Jerry.

      I both fear and look forward to where this will go…

  2. Oh snap. That shizzle is TIGHT. I feel like every home needs a gangsta now. Also, I think Jerry would appreciate a visit from Gangsta Bitch Barbie. And cheese. Because even gnomes love cheese.
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  3. Freaking love it…the gangsta gnome…the Walmart banter…the whole thing…you rock!
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    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it! You know, I’ve got this great idea. We should TOTALLY put a book together, maybe with a few other fabulous writers. 😉

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate it!

  4. You have an eye for classy people, obviously!! I love how you convinced him to spill his life story to you in so short a time!!
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  5. That is awesome! Another blogger took a picture of this bad boy on the shelf at a store. I’m so glad to have his whole story. And that his story has a happy ending, guarding your house from danger and math errors.
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  6. Oh. My. God. I NEED that gnome in my life, as he would be crowned “Diddy” and take up residence either in my phlox or on my mom’s deck. As you know, we have a few gnomes all purchased in an ironic way–we’re not freaks who think they are magical or anything–but we love them all the same. This one is too bad ass. I need to go to Walmart (but will wait until I haven’t washed my hair for two days and am completely gross and sweaty from the gym so I can feel pretty when I go.)
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  7. Dude, that gnome is badass. I gotta go get me one to protect my tomato plants and arugula from the bunnies and squirrels. He can pop a cap in their asses!
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  8. Lol, this was pretty funny stuff right here. Bitches do be trippin’ though for sure! The couple across the street from my grandmother had one of those black jockey gnomes in their south city house for decades, and took it with them to the county. Of course, the mailman was a black guy at their new house so the lady flipped out and made her husband paint him white (the jockey not the mailman) because she thought the mailman would be offended and lose their bills. Ha ha! Gnomes rule!

    • Ha! Because a black jockey gnome PAINTED WHITE wouldn’t be offensive at all. Hilarious!

      And gnomes really do rule. I suspect this will be the start of something at our house…

  9. I think Jerry’s feeling himself up. And then he was definitely peeing behind the bushes. Too funny! LOL! TALU
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    • You’re right! He totally is copping a feel on himself. However, if he was shamed by all the bitches who were trippin, he may need to grab at himself from time to time.

      Wait….maybe THAT’S why he’s hiding in the bushes…

  10. I don’t get the whole gnome thing, but now that I’ve met Jerry I feel like I have to have one. Although I’m sure I could not make up such a clever, hilarious back story like you did – you crack me up as usual, Lisa!
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  11. hahah! This was hilarious! I love it! I absolutely love the photo of Jerry sitting in the front seat and you made your husband sit in the back. PRICELESS! HAHAHA.
    Perfect name, too. And perfect homage to Gnome. 😉
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    • Thank you for your comment! I had a lot of fun with this one, especially the car seat thing. My husband wanted to complain about making him ride in the backseat so Jerry could ride shotgun.

      I think he reconsidered his irritation when he realized Jerry may be sporting a gat in his overalls.

  12. That’s pretty awesome!

    I’m not into gnomes either but I also have one. He was a gift from my daughter and husband for my garden. They thought maybe he could watch over the vegetables seeing as I am so neglectful of them. I suck at raising plants but I still keep trying.

    His name is Skitch because he likes to sneak out with his skateboard and hitch a ride on some unsuspecting person’s bumper. Do you know where he goes? Me either. But I do know that he wreaks of cigarette smoke and stale beer the next day.

    Creative post. I love it.
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    • Thanks for your kind words.

      Skitch sounds like a part of the family and a beloved gnome.

      Do you think he could teach me how to hitch a ride home on a bumper with a skateboard? It’s totally on my bucket list.

      Please ask Skitch and let me know.

  13. This is unrelated. But my nephew, Evan…we all call him Nomo. It’s Spanish for nome. He has looked like a damn gnome since he was born. I love Jerry.
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    • Nomo is a great nickname!

      And Jerry is a totally loveable guy. He’s awesome. I’m thinking I need to do something special with him on my blog. He deserves some recognition, or maybe a page in his honor?

  14. Hi Lisa

    What a cute post! Thanks for sharing your post on our Whatever Wednesday Party @ http://www.thankyouhoneyblog.com!

    Sarah

  15. I need a gangsta gnome in my front yard, it helps keep up appearances with our two pitbulls!
    I think Jerry is a softy deep down, real gangstas don’t wear yellow with a red bandana!
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    • YOU HAVE TWO PITBULLS?! Do you know which kind of terrier they are? (Staffordshire, bull terrier, etc.)

      I am very active with animal rescue including animal abuse and cruelty. We deal with some dog fight ring dogs, and those that are just being bred like crazy in the city.

      Most of them are pit bulls and I love them. I’ve been trying so hard to change people’s opinions about pitties. I know i have enlightened some, but it just takes time for people to understand that pittes are some of the most loyal and sweetest (and cutest) puppies ever.

      Yay for you for having pits! LOVE IT!

  16. Oh my damn. That shit be cray.

    Also, I’m super jealous. Now I’m daydreaming about my giant chicken.
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  17. Okay so I actually just bought this gnome’s cousin as a joke for my sister. WHERE WAS GANGSTA GNOME WHEN I NEEDED HIM?!!!
    I am super jealous.
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  18. Haaaha! I love all the pictures of the gnome next to things. And buckled in? That’s too much. “Gnome sayin’?”
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  19. That Jerry has found a place to hide from the po-po is the most excellent news. I knew when I left there on that walmart shelf someone would help us all out. Just be sure to send your monthly check to the address below or the she gnome gets it!

    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up
    Molley@A Mother Life just rambled about…That Time We Wished We Had a DelorianMy Profile

    • You’re welcome. I feel like I did everyone a service by adopting Jerry from a life of neglect and fat people on motorized carts.

      I really do need a she-gnome. But, I will not respond to threats or negotiate with terorrists 🙂

  20. Oh please tell me you bought this recently. My sister and I are both moving into new -way too snotty for their own good- communities in the next month. We both need one of these planted firmly in our front yard.

    Also, hilarious post AS ALWAYS Lisa.
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  21. A TI-86?!?!? Whoa. I only ever had a TI-83.
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  22. So funny – I was just asking people about their opinions on garden gnomes yesterday. I’ve never had one, but I find them appealingly kitschy. (I came from the Hump Day Hook Up.)
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    • Thanks for stopping by from the hook up! I appreciate it.

      And I’ve nver had a feeling about gnomes before, but in the few days we’ve had Jerry, I can say I’m glad we made the purchase we did. Jerry has a home now.

  23. That gnome will completely stick a bitch…

    🙂
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    • Jerry is not to be messed with. He will cut you just as easily as look at you.

      Granted, he can’t easily look at you, as he appears to be a bit cross-eyed, but whatever. You take my point. 🙂

  24. That Jerry he get’s around. You think he might wanna do your taxes next year? Or maybe he’s over that shiz? I have a gargoyle in front of my house, his name is Imp. He looks scary, but on the inside he’s all teddy bear.
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    • I think Jerry would do a mean job at your taxes! He’d deduct the shit out of it, and give a stank eye to any IRS official who questioned him.

      Come to think of it, Jerry should do our taxes.

      And I assume Imp has one leg.

  25. My word, you and your husband are made for each other. The fact that he not only went along with the gnome in the front seat, but added bits to the story with “cuz bitches be trippin” and such, proves it. I love that you don’t just have a funny idea, you run with that idea to the fullest possible hilariousness. With photos no less! So funny.
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    • Honestly, we are two peas in a pod! I have no idea how we were lucky enough to find each other, but I’m so glad we did. We laugh most of the time and have the exact same sense of humor.

      We also say hello and goodbye to Jerry every day now. Yesterday morning, I put him in a spot facing where my husband sits down to eat his cereal every morning.

      I was in the other room and he sat down, chuckled, and said “Good morning, Jerry.”

      Hilarious! I’m thinking of talking to his coworkers about getting Jerry into his office to greet him one morning.

  26. Barbara on May 23, 2013 at 8:58 am said:

    Lmao. I have a zombie gnome named Mike.

  27. Honestly, gnomes kinda freak me out but I’d LOVE to have Journal Entry Jerry all up in my business. I’d get a little purple Cadillac for him to ride around in too. Love the slideshow at the end!!
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    • That slideshow made me chuckle too! I’m glad you liked it. I suspect you’ll be seeing a lot more of Jerry. He even made an appearance in my post tonight. 🙂

      Thanks for being a loyal reader. I appreciate it.

  28. You are so politically incorrect. It’s fantastic!
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  29. Oh-my-effing word!! I peed myself I laughed so hard. Can’t decide on whom to chose to be my spirit animal…..you or Jerry. So glad I found you on the FB Frenzy! You have been officially updated to RSS status (sorry, no actual awards given). If my bladder can stand it, I’ll be rummaging through your blog tonight……while eating cookies 😉
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    • I’m so glad you enjoyed my post! I aim to pee….er….please.

      I feel quite honored to make the RSS feed, as I know not just anyone gets that status. I suspect you told me that because you fear the wrath of Jerry, but that’s okay.

      I do too.

      Is he watching me right now? <--------(that's whispered softly)

  30. Barbara on May 24, 2013 at 2:03 am said:

    I wish I had a pic of Mike the Zombie gnome but it is cold and dark out and I hate to be alone with him at night in the garden. I will try to snap one tomorrow.

    Poor Mike used to be your average little garden gnome before he became part of the undead. I can tell by the outfit and the beard. I tried to get his story from him but all he will say is braaains. Clearly he recognizes my intelligence. I am waiting for him to leave me a message made of squirrel bones.

    In the meantime, Mike keeps guests in check when they’ve had too much to drink by the fire and sometimes helps in keeping naughty children in line. Nothing like waking up to Mike on your pillow to set a kid straight.

    • Mike the Zombie gnome sounds like he went to the school of hard knocks. Noted!

      And snap that picture of Mike sometime…maybe when he’s not paying attention; although that day may never happen.

  31. Barbara on May 24, 2013 at 2:13 am said:

    Oh and P.S.
    Pit bulls rock! I have a sweet little rescue Pittie from Detroit. She is a total wuss. And afraid of gnomes. And squeaky toys. And leaves. Well honestly she is afraid of all kinds of things, poor baby but I tell you what, when a drunk mistook our yard for his own, she sure did get him back over the fence in a hurry. 🙂 Great Dogs!

    • Pitties really do rock, and rescued pitties are the best! Good for you for loving the pitties, and I can guarantee you that she will always protect you and your family! Looks like she’s already proven that. 😉

  32. This may quite possibly be the best blog post I have ever read. I am laughing so hard. Who makes a gnome that looks like that? Well, Walmart suppliers, that’s who!
    Wow. Hilarious. Here from the Fun Friday Blog Hop.
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    • Yay! I’m so glad you got a good laugh! Thank you so much for letting me know you liked it! Hopefully I will “see” you here again. I can assure you that Jerry will make more appearances.

      I think he may get a girlfriend soon…..

  33. Thanks for the laugh!

  34. What a cute blog! Newest follower here… I was kinda hopin’ you’d pop by my blog and follow me back!

    Have a great weekend,
    Sarah
    http://www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com

  35. Welcome to the family Gangsta Gnome! I think it seems like you found a great home. Too funny! I love how you made yourselves fit right in at Wal-Mart…gotta go with the flow, right? Thanks so much for linking up at the Real Family Fun link party! Hope to see you next week.
    KC
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  36. I’m so glad Jerry found a safe home with you. Well, a home, at least. I’m not sure how safe you are anymore. 😉
    p.s. my husband and i frequently play “Marco Polo” in walmart because we both hate to use our phones.

  37. That bad boy be pimpin’ da numba at my neighbors house too. Jerry got him an evil twin?

  38. So damn funny! Had to share via twitter. :0)
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    • Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but let’s just say that Jerry’s posse is growing…:-)

      • Believe it or not I just found Jerry’s Gnomies or his Gnome Boyz if you prefer. My friend and my fiance both looked at me as if I had lost my mind in Walgreens when i got sooo o excited over these gnomes. I was like Oh My God I have to get a picture! Darnit I can’t attach it here… what is you email woman?
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  39. Keith on July 14, 2013 at 9:13 am said:

    Do you know of anywhere to get these gnomes online? I’ve gotten zombie gnomes for my wife as gifts (she LOVES) gnomes and these gangsta gnomes would be a great addition

    Thanks for any help you can give me

  40. Keith on July 15, 2013 at 11:01 am said:

    I did find many photos of others were Walmart related, but seaching the Walmart.com website it doesn’t appear they have them anymore… Is there a name of the vendor on the gnome?

    I’ll check eBay too…

  41. Aw, I think he’s kinda sweet. (For a gangsta anyway!) I loved your story of his life.
    It’s a good thing you’ve got Jerry to look after you all. That’s my husband’s name, by the way, but he definitely is no gangsta and never was an accountant – though his brother is now I think of it…
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    • I’m glad you like Jerry. We love him at our house. I need to update those posts because his posse has grown. He now has a stripper!

      I have a few friends who have annonymously added a gnome or two to the mix and they’re hilarious. One of them I still have no idea who put him there, which is why it makes it so funny.

      Thanks for reminding me I need to do an updated Jerry post. And as for your brother in law, just keep an eye on him. Those accountants just can’t be trusted…

  42. Matt on June 6, 2015 at 2:17 am said:

    This was funny. He does seem to be protecting your house stuck in the bushes like that, but also making fat stacks at the same time. Pimping ferries and pushing them shrooms. I’ve been searching for a little bit to buy these things and have come up empty handed.

    • “Pushing them shrooms” was hilarious! I’m glad you understand the importance that big Jer has on our household.

      And I got him at Walmart. There are a few places online that sell them for a reasonable amount. I actually have quite the collection now that I get from friends who randomly drop them off and then don’t tell me who did it!

      Thank you for reading and commenting. Jerry appreciates it. 🙂

  43. You and the other hilarious lady at hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk should run the internet. So bloody funny. I’m trying to find genuinely LOL life blogs- there are loads of ‘award winning’ ones are about as funny as a bag of rice. Keep going, you’re a hero.

    • THANK YOU FOR THIS COMMENT! It’s meant so much to me and I keep forgetting to respond. You know, you put stuff out there and you just never know if people like it. Honestly, I hate to sound snotty but there are some people out there that I’m like “They’re super popular?! They’re not even funny.” I don’t mean it in a mean way but it’s true. So your words are amazing and what I needed. I haven’t written in months and maybe I need to pick it back up again. I just felt like no one cared anymore. This comment meant the world to me so thank you for that! 🙂

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