Lindsay Lohan face

Photo credit:
KEVIN MAZUR/WIREIMAGE

As I’m sure you all know, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to begin her court-ordered mandatory 90 day stint in rehab today.  I’m sure you know this because you all follow the story closely.

I follow it not because I’m so much concerned with her well-being, but I like to make jokes about what random animal her face looks like with whatever new botox/surgery she undergoes.

Fish.  This time it’s a fish.

Lilo was ordered to report to a rehab facility today or face going to jail.

Fortunately for you, I am super connected, and snagged the intake form from the Newport Beach Facility where she was supposed to check in.****

Of course, she didn’t stay long, and bailed shortly after arriving.

Un-named Newport Beach Rehab Facility

“So when it doesn’t work, no one can name us!”

**Specializing in celebrity rehab and train wreck survivors**

Intake Form

Lindsay Lohan intake checklistTo be completed by staff

Impression of patient:  Lilo appears to have an inflated sense of self.  She is also delusional and believes she is (1) relevant and (2) famous for being talented.

 

Patient’s problems:  Too numerous to document on this page.  See attached binder.

 

Check all that apply

√       Hypersensitive to criticism

√       Full on Crazytown resident

√       In need of more than just drug rehab

√       Has ugly hair

 

Items patient brought

√        Baggage filled with daddy issues and identity confusion

√        Notebook with doodles of genitalia of both sexes

√        One Amy Winehouse CD “Rehab”

√        One bag of necklaces, many of which appear to belong to other rehab patients

√        5 bottles of generic bleach, to be used to maintain hideous “blonde” hair

√        Cosmetic bag filled with shattered dreams

√        Names of the five people who watched her most recent movie, Liz and Dick (these are the names of people in a coma.)

√        Lifetime supply of orange-tinted self tanning lotion

√        Bill from Chateau Marmont Hotel for $46,350.04, with Lindsey’s writings in the margin at what appears to be her attempt at addition and subtraction.

  • NOTE:  All of her calculations are wrong.

√        10 cartons of Newport cigarettes, which is ironic, as she is checking into a Newport Beach facility.  *We believe this is her attempt at sarcasm.*

√        NO evidence of the patient’s pride, dignity or self esteem.

 

Focus of treatment

√        Encourage Lilo to join reality.

√        Convince  her this dress doesn’t look good on anyone.

Photo credit Barraza/WENN

Photo credit
Barraza/WENN

 

To be completed by patient

When did you first start using drugs and alcohol?

Womb

 

What substances do you use?

thick book**A copy of the Pharmacists Manual to Prescription Drugs is attached as the answer.**

 

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Banana snow cone

 

What is your financial situation?

Rolled up 100sI use $100 bills to snort coke smell roses.

 

Could you be pregnant?

Could you? (accompanied by a drawing of a middle finger)

middle finger drawing

 

Do you require any dietary accommodations?

Cigarettes.  I require cigarettes.  Lots of cigarettes.

 

Political Party

There’s a party?  Where?  When?  Do I have to wear panties?  I’m there.

 champagne bottles

Would you like a firm pillow, a soft pillow, or one that’s in the middle (a.k.a. “Just right”)?

I don’t make good decisions, so you decide.  But bring Goldilocks too.  She’s hot and I wanna spoon her. I call “big spoon!”

housekeeper with pillows

Intake Remarks:  Patient says she’s famous and starred in Herbie:  Fully Loaded.  I’m not sure about the film, but there’s no doubt this patient is “fully loaded.”

To be completed by staff

What is the patient’s biggest obstacle to treatment?

She is probably going to have issues with…..shit….she just took off…wait a minute…crap!  That b*tch stole my necklace!

 

****No I didn’t.  This is a totally made up intake form.  But aren’t you impressed with my questions?  Me too.

30 Thoughts on “Lindsay Lohan’s Rehab Intake Form (or what I suspect it looks like)

  1. Farts and cow turds. Your welcome :)

    Love the blog. Check out mine. It sucks and I just started…sorta. I have adhd and the memory of Dori from “Finding Nemo”. So remembering I have a blog or remember things I wanted to post, is shot to shit.
    samantha just rambled about…Gak and PlacentasMy Profile

    • Well I like your blog and you’re straight-forward sense of humor. Hopefully you will remember you like my blog, and when you come to mine, I will remind you about yours.

      It’s perfect!

  2. Awesome. But I seriously, need to stop reading your blog during meetings…I was cracking up laughing so much so that I think I snorted. Which just destroyed my stuffy suit image, I know they were completely shocked, that I had a sense of humor.

    I must say you have some mad – MS PAINT skillz. Between us, I think we could open a gallery. :)
    TAM just rambled about…An IT person’s definition of Stupid and DumbMy Profile

  3. This is too funny. I love the list of items that she brought!
    Erin @ The Grass Skirt just rambled about…Things I didn’t share Friday (5/3)My Profile

    • Don’t you think it’s probably accurate? I should have added “a shit-ton of make up and cigarettes.”

      You always think of that stuff later.

      Thanks for reading and commenting! :-)

  4. This is fantastic… and most likely completely accurate.
    Emelie just rambled about…The Estevez ContestevezMy Profile

    • I had a lot of fun writing this one. I actually had to look at some real intake forms on line to come up with the real questions, like political party, etc. I gave myself a chuckle with this one, but I often find that my favorites aren’t the ones people love. It’s so strange.

  5. This was so hilarious! I don’t even know what to tell my 3 yr old as to why I’m laughing so much.

    • Yay! I’m glad you liked it! I had a great time writing it. I always try to come up with unique ideas for blog posts, and I love when people like them.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope to “see” you back here soon!

      And tell your 3 year old you’re reading about math, and then tell her math is fun. That way, she will be a math genius and get a great job and take care of you for the rest of your life.

      I will need to take a cut of that, but it will be a reasonable cut…only 60%.

  6. I think one of those necklaces is mine.
    thoughtsappear just rambled about…A Visit to Zoobilee Zoo…in PittsburghMy Profile

  7. AHAHAHAHA OMG this had me laughing so hard!

    Found you through the TGIF Blog Hop
    Avril just rambled about…Homemade Donuts and Donut HolesMy Profile

  8. Lilo absolutely needs you on her in-take team!
    Rachel just rambled about…Wonder and FearMy Profile

  9. What a party last week on Friday Flash Blog! Thanks for joining us. I hope you’ve visited some of the other community members and you’re having a splendid week.

    Jennifer
    thejennyevolution.com

  10. LOL!!! Thanks for sharing this @ The Show Off Blog Party :)

    Jessica
    The Wondering Brain
    Jessica just rambled about…Wordless Wednesday – Viva Las Vegas!My Profile

  11. It’s sad because she was such a cute kid and talented actress. Show biz can really screw people over.
    Joyce just rambled about…True Story — Tee HeeMy Profile

    • You’re totally right. She seemed like she had such a bright future and she just went downhill. I blame Hollywood, as I always do, but I also blame her parents. They are both crazy and I suspect she was predisposed to this, at least to some extent, based upon her DNA.

      She definitely needs a support system, and I hope she finds that in rehab.

  12. Oh my actual God your amazing! I really loved the list of things she bought and the requirements that she wanted and how she thought that there was a party!!!! I think the majority of that is correct that sounds exactly like Lindsay Lohan, and for God’s your right that dress is REALLY bad! She needs to sort her face and her life out!!!!

    • I’m pretty sure this list is accurate. I’d love to know just how accurate. I had a blast writing this one. I need to do something similar to this again because it cracked me up!

  13. I was laughing so hard while I read this post. I really enjoyed it! :)

    • Thank you! I actually had a fun time writing this one so I’m glad you enjoyed it. You know this probably wasn’t that far off from what the actual intake form looked like!

  14. I feel kind of guilty for laughing so hard at this while employed by a drug counseling center. I guess I’ll attempt to redeem myself by assuring everyone that we’ve had patients arrive in pretty much the same condition* you’ve described, but leave as well-adjusted members of society. (I’ve lost track of this Lohan girl, but hope she has the same outcome, however long it takes.)

    *Even the parts about the necklaces and the womb are considered normal over here. It’s sad, but I guess the craziness is worth it when they finally come out on the other side.

    • I love that you were laughing at this! That’s how it was intended. Don’t feel bad! So many people who go to rehab are in it to actually better themselves and LiLoh definitely wasn’t there for that stint of rehab. What a mess! At least she gives us some fodder. Thanks for reading and laughing. :-)

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