NOTE:ย  This is NOT me!

I realize that my loyal readers (all 5 of you), read this blog regularly, but I have to believe you must be getting tired of reading stories about my life from my point of view (even though my point of view is always correct…just ask my husband).

So I decided that from time to time I would switch it up, and provide blog entries from the point of view of people who interact with me in life, so I can see just how others view me and my craziness.

I thought I would start with my mailman, as I have a new mailman and I can only imagine what he thinks of his new route. So here is what I can only assume would be his diary entry, if he had a diary (and was a 7 year old girl in 1987).

notebook and penDear Diary,

Today I started my new job as a mailman. The main reason I took this job is because I wanted a job where I was allowed to wear shorts, yet still look professional.

Since Richard Simmons’ job was already taken (that guy sure can fill out a pair of size 2T shorts), I knew I had to go to work as a mailman.

I arrived at the hub, excited to get my shorts issued to me. I was expecting short shorts with glitter and white piping on the sides, and held my breath as the man measured me for my size.

I normally would have thrown a pair of rolled up socks into my underwear to provide a larger bulge, but since I don’t wear underwear, this wasn’t an option.

After being measured by the man for my shorts size, he presented me with my new costume uniform. ย He didn’t go anywhere near my package during the measurements, which was disappointing considering I’m going to be delivering them..

I looked at myย costumeย uniform and I was shocked. WHAT?! It was a pair of shorts that went down to my knees. Knees?!

mailmanWhat was this, 1876? Who wears shorts that go all the way to the knee? I might as well wear pants (or at least a cute pair of capris).

I was not happy about the long shorts, but I was happy with the way they showed off my calves, so I decided to let it go.

The cute guy measuring me for shorts also gave me a short sleeved button down shirt as well. I asked if I could cut off the sleeves to make it a bit more fashion forward, but he suggested I stick with the formal costume uniform.

It’s probably for the best, because he would be blown away by my biceps. After all, I’ve been working out with the Shake Weight.

I headed to my truck in my new costume so I could start my new job.

My truck was so manly! It had 2 doors and an engine taken from a 1992 Dodge Neon. So much power!

And I liked the way my thighs looked when I sat in the manly truck. I could pull my shorts up nicely to expose my shaved thighs. I was mesmerized by my legs, but realized I needed to focus on the task at hand.

delivering letterCutie costume guy gave me my satchel, which was filled with mail. I asked if there was a Prada version, or at least a bag in a different shade, as light blue isn’t really my color.

I’m an Autumn.

Cutie costume guy said this was all he had, but I’m pretty sure he liked the way I looked in my new costume. I winked at him, put the pedal to the floor, and zoomed away at 3 mph.

My first route was a neighborhood in the county, which was eclectic in the houses. There were cute houses, and some run down houses, and one home that was either a crack house or a brothel.

Naturally, I decided to follow up on that later.

I started walking my new route, thinking about how I would have paired different shoes with my ensemble, when I came across 1021. It was a cute house with pumpkins on the porch and an autumn wreath that was to die for.

mailboxesThis homeowner clearly had style. I walked up the steps to deliver the mail into the ultra cute mailbox when I heard approximately 100 dogs barking from all areas of the house.

Was this house a hoarder house? I secretly hoped so because I’ve been waiting for my big break, and being on that show could be it.

I looked down at the orthopedic shoe catalog I was delivering to this home, and saw it was addressed to Lisa Newlin.

Obviously she was an old woman with feet issues, and by the sounds coming from her house, she was clearly hoarding too many dogs.

I skimmed her mail and discovered an Us Weekly, along with a bill from AAA and a catalog from Penzey’s, which apparently is a catalog filled with spices.

Judging by her mail, I assume Lisa Newlin is approximately 80 years old. Poor thing is probably laid up in her sleep number bed that flexes up so she can watch Regis and Kelly in bed.

mail in holderI decided to make this Lisa Newlin my project, as she clearly will need assistance as she lives out her final days. I can only assume she is deaf, as the continuing barking dogs would get old unless someone was incapable of hearing them.

This poor woman clearly had a rough life. I put her mail in her mailbox and sniffed the door to see if it smelled like mothballs. It did.

I also noticed her plants had red pepper sprinkled all over them, which clearly was a sign that Lisa Newlin believed in voodoo.

I finished my route, all the while thinking about what kind of person Lisa Newlin must be.

I will keep you updated with my dealings with her, as I think she might be a senile old woman who needs some love and attention. And maybe since she’s old, she will know how to sew and can shorten my costume shorts.

I’ve got to go, as Project Accessory is starting and Molly Sims always has amazing shoes. Until next time,

Mailman Ricardo (How sassy does that sound?)

27 Thoughts on “Dear Diary: an entry from Mailman Ricardo

  1. Shannon on December 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm said:

    Loved it Lisa! Started thinking about how my long haired hippie mailman must evaluate us! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Truly don’t even want to get into my mailman’s mind. My brother actually told me he saw him in the local Pathmark dressed from head to toe in black leather!! Seriously, this guy has issues and just scares me so. But loved your take on your mailman and had me cracking up for sure!!
    Janine Huldie just rambled about…Weekly Confessions Wrap-Up #14My Profile

    • You MUST learn about your mailman now, in light of that tidbit about the black leather! Maybe he’s a leather salesmen on the side?

      Or maybe he trains cows and he wears leather as a form of domination to show them he’s in charge.


  3. What a great idea. I love originality and you nailed it. Very well done.

  4. Im beginning to think my mail carrier is paraplegic. I have never seen him out of his truck or in a standing position. He drives tweny feet from box to box.

    • OMG! What if he’s a robot?! Have you ever seen his face to know if he’s man or machine? Now I’m super creeped out.

      This year you should give him his holiday tip in payments of WD40 just to see how he reacts. If he gets excited, you will know he’s a machine and we need to prepare for the end of days. Hopefully it won’t look like those horrible Terminator movies.

      Come to think of it, I want your mail carrier’s job. He doesn’t even have to exit his vehicle. Jealous!

  5. I’ve never seen my mailman. Our mailbox is always overflowing, so he may think we’re deadbeats or maybe our place is really a front for a drug ring. I think your mailman really should just add a little sparkle to his attire. Maybe a lovely brooch?
    Tamara Woods just rambled about…Having hobbies: there’s life outside of writing?My Profile

    • You know, it really is a shame the Postal Service is so strict about their costumes….er….uniforms.

      I say if Ricardo wants to wear some flare, or a lovely brooch with some bling on it, then he should express himself and do it.

      Granted, his platform shoes might be taking it too far, but darnit, Ricardo has nice legs!

      And I’m sure your mailman probably doesn’t pay any attention to the overflowing mailbox. I would think as long as they aren’t delivering suspicious packages, you’re in the clear.

      Except if your mailman is Ricardo. Then I suspect he would investigate any…ahem…packages. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Haha! Damn my loose pelvic floor muscles but this was hilarious. Love your style of writing, which made this a pleasure to read from start to finish.

    My postman is cute but I’m not allowed anywhere near him after I received a restraining order. Who knew stalking was a crime! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Lily just rambled about…The Battle.My Profile

    • Aw, this comment made me so happy! Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad I could make you laugh, but sorry about the loss of bladder control. Honestly, I think that’s a win for me, so I’m chalking it up to success!

      And you know, some people are just SO picky about what they consider stalking. You climb into someone’s shower ONE night and all of a sudden you’re a criminal with a restraining order. Sheesh! Some people need to lighten up. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Hi Lisa! Bounced over here from Thoughts Appear! I had to check you out! I am glad I did and am looking forward to following you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thank you so much for coming over! I’m so glad you found me. I hope I don’t disappoint. If you set the bar low, you will never be disappointed.

      And I’m talking about an actual bar. Set it low so you can sit down and drink.

  8. Lol, your mailman sounds a lot like Perez Hilton. Note to self: Keep an eye out for a fashion forward mailman zooming around at 3 mph.
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  9. This is the first post I’ve ever read from you but I was laughing hysterically. So you can bet I’ll be back for more of you and Post Man Riccardo.

    • Scratch that, I just realized that I was here just the other day because of the Doctor or “Doctor Post.” For some reason, it didn’t click that it was the same awesome writer who had created both. So I reaffirm my notion that I’ll be back often while retracting my error. Sometimes the mind just slips.

      • I love that you are back, and I don’t care if you don’t remember….coming back is the best news of all! I’m glad I can entertain you with my musings.

        Sometimes it’s nice just to get all these thoughts out of my head and I figure, what better way to jot them down than to put them on the interwebs. That way everyone sees my crazy.

        Thanks for coming back and commenting. I hope to “see” you soon. If you want, you can pretend like it’s the first time all over again.

  10. Freaking fantastic! Really, really well done! Clever, clever!!
    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom just rambled about…The I Don’t Like Mondays Blog HopMy Profile

  11. Very clever. Thanks for the chuckle!
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  12. That mailman of yours has such a good heart, you are lucky to have him. And he is lucky to have you. And I am lucky to have Richard Simmons (who my son swears is a woman, apparently to a 7yo he even has boobs).
    Jen just rambled about…Twisted MixTape Tuesday 8My Profile

    • Your seven year old sounds amazingly astute and awesome. And let’s face it, he isn’t wrong to swear that Richard Simmons is a woman. However, I can assure you that he doesn’t look as good in the post office shorts as Mailman Ricardo does.

      Just sayin.

      Thanks for reading and commenting! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Invite your mail man to work in Ireland for one summer, and I can assure you he will change his costume/uniform. He will unfortunately look like a giant polar bear…that’s how freezing Ireland is- not a hope to see mail man in shorts:/
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  14. Dear Lord, I so hope your new mailman starts reading this.
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