Add text***DISCLAIMER:  I realize my last post was about a photo of an old woman wielding weapons.  I also realize this post is about old people wielding different weapons:  their genitalia.  

I really don’t have a fetish, although I suspect that is a logical conclusion in light of these two back-to-back posts.  

But maybe, just maybe, yesterday’s post with a grandma packing heat was just a teaser for the real story:  old people prostitution.  END DISCLAIMER***

As you know, I like to keep updated on news and current events because I’m a super informed American.

Just to be clear, by “current events” I mean things like who got kicked off this week’s episode of The Bachelor and who is Kim Kardashian’s most recent poor dating choice.

In keeping with this trend, I got on line today to search for videos of puppies farting and then hiding from the smell.

Yes, I was at work, and yes, the conference call really was that boring.

As I was typing in “puppies and panty burps,” I noticed a headline on MSNBC strategically placed near the search bar.

The headline?  “Man, 75, Accused of Running Senior Prostitution Ring in New Jersey Senior Housing Complex.”

Yeah.  That happened.

What’s worse than a 75 year-old pimp running a sex ring of geriatric jezebels?  The mug shot of said pimp.  It truly looks like a morgue photo. Right?

senior-center-prostitution

Photo credit: http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/
local/Senior-Citizen-Prostitution-Ring-Drugs
-Crack-Englewood-New-Jersey-207400191.html

Grandma's cookiesApparently this is not a homicide photo, but the face of a guy who accepts social security checks in exchange for social diseases.

Naturally, this article derailed my search for flatulent puppies.  It also derailed my lunch, although I suddenly had a craving for Grandma’s Cookies.

As I returned from the vending machine, cookies in hand (and mouth), I got to thinking about a senior citizen sex ring.  I didn’t want to, but that didn’t matter.

I didn’t want to see the Viagra bottle in my dad’s bathroom drawer, but that didn’t stop my brother from showing it to me.  (He said “If I have to see it and suffer, so do you.”)

I have so many questions about a senior prostitution ring.  I figured you guys probably do too, so here are a few of my thoughts.  Feel free to provide answers, as this post is clearly an investigative journalism piece.

pelvis xray1.  Do the tricks have plastic hips?

I would think with the kind of bumping and grinding required for a senior prostitution ring, the hookers would need hips of steel.  Literally.

My 70 year-old neighbor can’t walk outside to get the mail without complaining her hips hurt.  She also complains about the “colored” people down the road, so she may not be the best example.

Either way, I would think that type of repetitive force would cause a ho to need a hip.

diaper pin2.  Just how much KY Jelly do they go through in a week?

Granted, I don’t have any experience in this department, but I would assume at a certain age, the prostitute would need a little more grease on the wheel before taking her for a spin.

3.  Does “the talent” wear granny panties?

Or maybe they’re just called panties?  Do they wear them, or do they just stick with Depends?  I’m not sure of the answer on this one.  I guess it just depends.  (hee hee)

credit card machine4.  Do they offer an early bird special?

Most elderly people I know are a fan of bargains and coupons.  It would be a great marketing tool to have a “bang one get one free” program.

Maybe like a punch card, but not a literal punch.  I suspect the pimp takes care of all the punching.

5.  How late are they “open?”

Considering dinner is usually served in the elder community around 4:30 and lights are out at 8:00 p.m. sharp, what time is this sexing going down?  Is 7:00 the witching hour?

close up of coin6.  Are they paid in shiny silver dollars?

Don’t all old men have silver dollars in their pockets?  (Note:  “Silver Dollar” is not a euphamism, although it should be.)

I know my grandpa always had a silver dollar and a smile waiting for me whenever I visited him.

Come to think of it, I hope that wasn’t the real reason he had so many of those coins.

7.  Do they seduce with Ben Gay?

When my muscles are sore, nothing smells better than the scent of Ben Gay.  It’s a smell of relief and relaxation.  In that same vein (no pun intended), is the art of senior seduction done with steroid cream?

oxygen8.  Do they share hits of oxygen when the deed is complete?

I can’t imagine many old farts want to lay around and spoon afterwards.  Rather, I suspect both are gasping for air and needing a bump of oxygen.

Do the grannies have that readily available or is there an extra charge?  Or maybe it’s part of the foreplay, while Jeopardy plays in the background, of course.

ambulance9.  Is a paramedic on hand?

I can’t imagine running this sort of osteoarthritic outfit would be safe without a medical professional overseeing it.

Okay, so obviously it wouldn’t be a professional person, as I doubt professional EMTs enjoy being on call for cougar coitus.

10.  How does the pimp enforce his territory?

I’m thinking this is the one time where a pimp walking with a cane is actually medically necessary.

caneWhat better way to ensure payment than with an orthopedic cane with multiple feet and rubber stoppers?

I guess that’s enough musings for one night, although I have many more questions and thoughts on this issue.

For now, I’ll just curl up on my davenport, snack on some peppermints, watch Mama’s Family and complain about those young whipper snappers ruining my lawn.

41 Thoughts on “Brittle bones and a 75 year-old pimp

  1. hahahaha this is awesome. Except the part where you brother crosses a line I never thought about before *shudder* but then I got myself together and L’ed OL at the “Early Bird Special” part!
    I DO have a weird old man thing. I wrote a WHOOOOLE blog post called “Old Man Crushes” complete with pictures, that I think creeped a lot of people out. Fred Mertz is on it! I know, I am not right in the head, and it was worse when I was younger!
    Joy just rambled about…WW RaNdOm Spring PicturesMy Profile

    • Where is the link to this blog post? I must read it immediately! As long as you didn’t have a 75 year old pimp on your list of old man crushes, I think we’re good.

  2. I don’t even know what to think on this one! Maybe I shouldn’t be laughing, but I can’t even fathom this.
    Michelle just rambled about…Happy SITS Day to Me!My Profile

    • Michelle,

      When you’re on my page, you should always be laughing! Otherwise, I haven’t done my job. Don’t make me work harder, Michelle. Just laugh. 🙂

  3. I just woke my entire family up laughing at the Early Bird Special…you are a funny girl! Thanks for the late night giggle! 🙂
    Kim just rambled about…Decorating Cheats ~ Embellishing Store Bought CurtainsMy Profile

    • Well, please apologize to your family for me, but I’m glad you enjoyed the post. That entire thing was word vomit and I was coming up with more questions before I was even done typing the previous ones.

      SO MANY QUESTIONS!

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  4. Umm, I know this is so wrong…but props to a TRUE pimp. They say pimpin’ ain’t easy, & pimps never die….
    Amy mayen just rambled about…Workroom Wednesday 05-15-13My Profile

    • OMG! I didn’t think of either of those phrases! HILARIOUS!

      I guess this article goes to show that pimping really ain’t easy. I wonder if he’ll pimp in prison. Probably.

  5. I was dying of laughter this was so hilarious! Granny panties or are they just called panties – well played! Well played, indeed. 🙂
    Gracielle just rambled about…[Not so] Wordless Wednesdays: Fun with Fixed LensMy Profile

    • Thanks Gracielle! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I never know how people will take my stuff, so I’m glad I could make you laugh. This article today had me cracking up too. Speaking of crack, the article said they were also using crack too! CRACK! In a retirement community. CRACK!

      Who do you think is the lucky drug dealer who gets to go visit his mee-maw in the retirement home and hook the entire village up with some crack rocks? I swear, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m so glad you stopped by and got a chuckle out of this. 🙂

  6. Do you think he was a pimp when he was younger? I mean, there’s got to be some skill involved there. Was he a self-taught pimp? Did he feel like he was filling a niche that was not being met? Clearly, he had a pretty steady business. These are things I wonder about. Never know when you might need to make a career change.
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…Planning with Clooney and ComoMy Profile

    • You pose excellent questions, Melissa. I like the way you think. I agree, that he clearly has mad skillz. (I think it’s appropriate to use the “z” here.) I also wonder if he was self-taught as a pimp or if he learned from a father figure. I suspect that pimping in the senior citizen world is pretty cut throat, and he probably had to learn much of his skillz on the shuffleboard court and/or during snack time. Hard timez fo sho.

      He definitely had a pretty steady business, so I can only assume (1) he edged out his competition or (2) his competition died of old age, a heart attack, stroke, pneumonia, lung cancer, liver disease……..

  7. Next time your mind is going in this direction, just put on some headphones and start singing to yourself…
    Kate just rambled about…You won’t want to miss thisMy Profile

  8. AHAHAHAHA! This is hysterical! I like the way your mind works. Definitely entertaining for us! 😉
    Stacy Uncorked just rambled about…Hatching SpringMy Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I suspect the way my mind works should be studied by mental health professionals, and perhaps my blog will be studied for years to come. Probably.

      I don’t care, I’m amused by my thought process and I’m glad you are too! Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  9. OMG this is hilarious! This guy has swagger for his age! This post really made me laugh today.
    Karen just rambled about…Kids Baking PartyMy Profile

    • Yay! I’m so glad I could give you a laugh. Hopefully it made your day a little brighter, and you scrutinized that old guy on the street corner a little more today. Vigilance! 🙂

  10. OMG this was hee-larry-us!!!! Thank you for taking a disturbing subject and making me laugh (and pee). I would imagine them falling asleep before the dirty deed was done. Sure didn’t take much for my grandparents to need a nap. Did the pimp have a purple Cadillac??
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Welcome to PodunkMy Profile

    • Ah yes, you propose an interesting question about the Cadillac and one I didn’t think of. I’d like to think he has a purple Cadillac, but it DEFINITELY has a handicapped license plate.

      Correction: It has a license plate with a handicapped notation on it. The license plate itself probably isn’t handicapped. But then again, it could be.

      No judging here.

      I’m glad you enjoyed it and sorry about making you pee, but to me, that’s the sign of a successful post!

  11. lmao I guess the sex swing is replaced by the walker with a seat. oh gross I had a vision.
    LM@motherchuckler just rambled about…did it!My Profile

  12. You are hysterical. I would love to hang out in your head sometime; it must be such a fun place to be.
    Dana just rambled about…Visiting New York City with Kids: Part ThreeMy Profile

    • Fun place to be, scary place to be….people differ on what kind of place my head is.

      I find it delightful and I am always laughing! I think that might make me a crazy person, but I’m coole with it. 🙂

  13. This is hilarious! For whatever reason it made me think of my grandfather sitting in front of the television watching the 10:00 news and bitching about Regan, while smoking his pipe and hacking up his left lung into a kleenex that he would tuck back into his flannel shirt pocket.

    Nice visual, I know. You’re welcome.

    So…

    Is there a shuffle board in the waiting room along with some Werther’s hard candy?

    Do they pay in moth balls or just give you two dollars in a card?

    What does the parking lot look like? Just wondering.

    Are there even stairs to the entrance or just a ramp?
    Gina just rambled about…Poop DoodyMy Profile

    • Your grandpa sounds like a fun guy!

      And you came up with some more EXCELLENT questions. the parking lot one is especially good. Is every parking spot a handicapped spot, or do they just have little places where you can lock up your motorized cart?

      And the fricking entrance ramp is hilarious! I didn’t think about that either.

      I love that you guys are so witty! You keep me on my toes. (Unlike these prostitutes, who were mostly on their backs.)

  14. I live in a fairly rough neighborhood so I can answer a few of these questions for you based on neighborhood lore: Before you visit, it is customary to bring your own KY Jelly. Also, coupons to the Old Country Buffet are legitimate currency in these matters. Finally, a cane to the shins is a very effective reminder to settle a debt. Well, that’s what I heard…
    SmackOfHam (John) just rambled about…The Big SplashMy Profile

  15. Oh, lady, this post is slammin’! You have managed to have me LOL AND completely grossed out, at THE. SAME. TIME. I am terribly impressed by this talent. And I do have one thing to add…no need to worry about pregnancy! 🙂

    • I feel like I really accomplished something significant if I made you laugh out loud and be grossed out. If you would have cried, it would have been the perfect tri-fecta!

      That’s my goal for next time. 🙂

  16. I think that you’ve seriously covered almost all the territory on this, but what I really want to know is…do the Johns give her a hard candy as a tip, or does SHE give THEM the hard candy as a “thanks for doing business” bonus? Who controls the Werther’s, in this transaction!?
    Meg Mc just rambled about…An argument in favor of extinction.My Profile

    • This is BRILLIANT! I’m actually pretty disappointed in myself that I didn’t think of the “hard candy” angle. It’s why I love that you guys are so witty and smart. you keep me on my game.

      As for the Werther’s, I think they are a higher value item, so I think they are only given TO the hos, instead of disbursed BY them.

      I suspect the tramps pass out the peppermints pre-coitus to freshen the Johns’ breath, and the Werther’s are given to the tricks afterwards as a “thanks for the bang.”

      After all, Werther’s are a candy treat, and the prostitutes already gave the Johns their sweet candy treat. 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting, and for sharing my sense of humor.

  17. Nominated you for a Liebster Award!
    LM just rambled about…Liebster Award!My Profile

  18. Krissy on June 29, 2013 at 2:50 am said:

    I have so many unanswered questions! Are the talent seniors as well? Does being called a whipper snapper turn them on?! And don’t they know that smoking and oxygen tanks don’t mix? Uh, hello? Explosion anyone. How much good is your crack gonna do if you blow up?

    So many questions. Seeing as you’re a lawyer, do you think you could get in on this case just to ask him our questions??

    • I guess if they blew up while smoking crack, using oxygen and having sex, at least they’d go out with a bang!

      Yes, that was a bad pun in poor taste, but I still liked it.

      I also had many of your same questions. My fear is that I don’t really want to know the answers…..

  19. Ok, so I’m late to the party on this one. But as I just read it I have to comment.
    I was very entertained by the post and by the various comments as well. You have some funny followers 🙂 My favorite was “Old Country Buffet coupons as legitimate currency.”!!
    Wordifull Melanie just rambled about…VenomMy Profile

    • This was one of my favorite posts and I kind of forgot about it until you commented on it.

      Aren’t some of my readers’ comments hilarious?! I love how you guys all have such a sense of humor. It’s awesome!

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