3rd grade.  Look at that sassy mullet!

3rd grade. Look at that sassy mullet!

Recently while flossing*, I noticed one of my bottom teeth starting to go snaggle.  I don’t like snaggle teeth; so much so that I actually coined what I refer to as “The Rule of Snaggle.”

The Rule of Snaggle states, in no uncertain terms, that people with a snaggle tooth are not to be trusted.  I stand by this rule, as every person I’ve ever met who has a snaggle tooth has proven untrustworthy.

It’s true.  Think about it, except if you have a snaggle tooth and are reading this blog.  Then it’s totally not true and I’m just kidding.

(It’s totally true.)

*I suspect you think when I say “flossing” that I was flossing my teeth.  That would be a logical conclusion, but an inaccurate one.  What I was really doing was the dance move of flossing, where you take a hot pink boa with one hand  at each end, and pull it back and forth between your legs.  It’s how I dance to Beyonce in the morning.  And yes, it MUST be a hot pink boa.  Don’t come at it with a green one.  Not cool.*

Because the Rule of Snaggle has never let me down, I knew I needed to change my snaggle ways, or face the inevitable conclusion by others that I’m inherently untrustworthy.

Note:  I am inherently untrustworthy when it comes to food.  I will eat the last cupcake and will most definitely lie about it.

See what I mean?  The Rule of Snaggle is always right.

Check out my sweet lion pin.  I loved that thing.  I wore it on my blazer(s).

Check out my sweet lion pin. I loved that thing. I wore it on my blazer(s).

Because of my disturbing snaggle transformation, I pointed out the rogue tooth to my dentist the following week, and advised I needed it fixed immediately.

I did not go through 2 sets of braces, 6 retainers, 4 mouth surgeries and a chin cup headgear contraption just to have a snaggle.

I needed it fixed. Post-haste.

He said I could get a retainer to stop the progression of the snaggle.  I was hoping he would say it in more dramatic terms, preferably through a walkie talkie in a state of desperation,  but I settled for his monotone recommendation.

He clearly didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, which made me suspect he had a snaggle.

I got up and headed down the hall to the portion of the dentist’s office that handled orthodontics.  It was easy to find, as I just followed the trail of Lemonheads boxes and and Laffy Taffy wrappers.

I could tell the items were eaten in a panic, as the eaters realized they would have to say goodbye to these delicious treats as they began their quest for perfect teeth.

It was like a Trail of Tears of sorts, only this one had candy wrappers and no disease or death.

This cardigan had a matching skort that had scottie dogs on it, because scottie dogs are effing awesome.

This cardigan had a matching skort that had scottie dogs on it, because scottie dogs are effing awesome.

After I was fitted for the torture contraption, I anxiously awaited my retainer (or “retainers” as annoying pre-pubescent boys call it). I finally got the call that my snaggle’s nemesis was ready for pick up.

Sadly, I was more excited than I care to admit.

I walked into the office and was struck with memories of going to the orthodontist as a child.  Flashbacks washed over me like they do in 80s sitcoms, and I could practically hear the music and see the blurry lines taking me back to my childhood and the torture of braces.

I found myself wondering what I was going to wear to the football game on Friday night and whether Jimmy would ask me to formal. (He would.)

Panic set in as I wondered whether I’d done my trigonometry homework, and whether I packed a lunch.  Only losers ate hot lunch, and I was most certainly not a loser.  (Yes I was.)

Just as I was cursing my Teen Spirit deodorant for being ineffective, a woman brought me my new retainer.

It was in a sparkly pink container and looked like bubble gum.  It was as if the orthodontist was mocking me and flipping me the bird by making the case look like bubble gum….something I couldn’t have while wearing a retainer.

I knew that guy had a snaggle.  I knew it.

7th grade.  Is that crunchy hair?  Crunch as some fricking Ramen noodles!

7th grade. Is that crunchy hair? Crunch as some fricking Ramen noodles!

I asked the woman if I could get some Strawberry Shortcake stickers to put on my glitterfied case, but she said I would have to do that on my own.

Clearly she was a Rainbow Brite kind of gal.

I left in silence, retainer in hand.

As soon as I got in the car, I put in my new retainer just to see how it looked.  It was an Invisalign, so it wasn’t quite a throw back to the old school retainers of the 80s, but it was most definitely a retainer.

I tried out a few words to see if the complimentary lisp still came with the retainer.  Good news!  It did, as did the spitting while speaking.

It was just like old times.

I then immediately headed to Walmart to purchase Clearasil for what promised to be a breakout due to stress.

I also wanted to pick up a new diary so I could write all my deepest thoughts in it, and then lock it with a tiny lock that even a three-year-old could break.

For now, I’m only wearing the retainer at night, as I want to curb the snaggle.  However, if the nightly use doesn’t do the trick, I will have to switch to wearing it all the time.

If that happens, I suggest you get me a subscription to Tiger Beat and a new poster of Joey McIntyre.

Yeah, right.  As if I don’t already have a subscription to Tiger Beat.

53 Thoughts on “A new retainer, and for once, not the legal kind!

  1. Smohawk on May 29, 2013 at 12:07 am said:

    I think your readers might like you to elaborate on the use of the “chin cup”. They would certainly be delighted to learn that it served as a reverse air freshener for the entire basement. Also, you failed to mention the mouth surgery that rendered you incapable of speaking without inducing nausea to anyone within earshot. However, you did me a great service in this post by neglecting to mention that I looked like a 4-eyed dorky Zach Morris from the “Zach Attack” days of Saved By The Bell!!

    • ERRONEOUS! Erroneous on all counts! (Except the count of you looking dorky in the Zach Morris-esque photo. That part is totally true.)

      And laugh all you want at the chin cup, but I will be doing the laughing when you have to buy one for little miss K. It’s gonna happen. And I shall laugh.

      And laugh.

      And laugh.

  2. Girl, you were rockin’ it in those awesome hair styles. And the blazers. We would totally have been besties. Not. My perms were reedonkulous and looked like big poof balls on my head, which, considering how thin and baby fine my hair is, was pretty impressive. But I digress. I did not get to partake in the rite of passage that is braces, and I hope to all the heavens that my children don’t either. I fear, however, that karma will kick my ass on that one.
    p.s. Thanks so much for throwing in another picture of Kelly baring her midriff and wearing a tiny top. My day is complete.
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…Jamming out with Wagner and Bon JoviMy Profile

    • What are you talking about?! I looked ridiculous. We totally would have been friends! I’m actually kind of sad you’ve never experienced braces. It really is a rite of passage.

      And you’re welcome about Kelly Kapowski. I know how much you like her.

  3. I don’t know about Joey McIntyre, but I think I might have my old Mario Lopez posters around somewhere. Come on, they were circa full blown mullet!
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  4. I totally had a subscription to Tiger Beat and had tons of pictures of Joey McIntyre hanging on my bedroom wall when I was younger!! And I have no care in the world to relive to my orthodontist teen days. I had a face full of metal and god how much I loathed the monthly tightening of my braces, but the retainer had its perks. Could take it out if you didn’t want to wear and put it back in for just the right amount of having others feel for you. Oh the memories!!
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    • Remember how much getting those braces tightened hurt?! It was SO painful and thinking back now, I think if I had to go through that again I would cry. It was so stinking painful.

      And my parents would never let me have a subscription to Tiger Beat, or YM, or any magazines. I still want to buy them sometimes when I go to the store!

  5. Holy hell are you hilarious. This post was like opening one my old yearbooks. Thank you for the blast to the past…without actually having to get up and find the friggin’ book. I’m a lazy kind of nostalgic.
    whencrazymeetsexhaustion just rambled about…Red Circle DaysMy Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Isn’t it funny how looking back at those old pictures makes you realize that we really were raised in a different generation entirely? It’s so flipping nuts.

      WHAT WAS MY HAIR DOING IN EACH OF THOSE PHOTOS?! Why would my mom allow me to look like that?

      And any time I can assist someone else in laziness, I’m a happy girl. 🙂

  6. I love that your dentist is an untrustworthy snaggletoother. Soo… once your snaggle is completely gone, will you stop fibbing about food?
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  7. Laura on May 29, 2013 at 9:07 am said:

    Thank you so much for sharing those pictures! That just made my morning. The middle ones look like whipped cream. I also loved scotty dogs when I was in 5th-6th grade. What was that???

    • I’m so glad I gave you a chuckle this morning! I’m glad my awkward years gave you a boost to get you through the day. And what’s with us and scotty dogs? What’s funny is that neither one of us grew up and got scotty dogs. What is that about?

  8. So funny! My front teeth are separating again! Ahhhhh! I’m going to have to visit my kid’s orthodontist soon.

  9. I am TOTALLY going to remember your “Rule of the Snaggle” – that’s hilarious! And you sure made a cute brace-face (from one brace-face to another) so I bet you’re rockin’ the new retainer. Which reminds me, I need to see about getting a new one since my bottom teeth seem to be shifting back to my pre-braces era. 😉
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    • We should have a brace face chain gang! I think we all rocked that look, probably because we were all in it together.

      The Invisalign retainer is actually easy to get, and was only $150, which is pretty cheap, or at least I thought so. Just do it. The cool kids are doing it.

      And mark my words, the Rule of Snaggle is a thing. It’s never steered me wrong!

  10. This post has totally jumpstarted my morning. I was dragging along, then I read this! What a wonderful way to start the day!
    Never knew that about snaggles. Putting that in my book of things to know! Thanks!

    • I’m so glad I jumpstarted your morning! (Assuming it’s in a good way, and not in a ‘I jumpstarted my morning and then started bullying small children.”)

      And the Rule of Snaggle is true!

  11. Holy trip down memory lane… this was awesome!

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
    (¸.•´ (¸.•`¤… Jennifer
    Jenn’s Random Scraps
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    • Yay! I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! Isn’t it funny how all of a sudden our old photos look totally dated? I guess this means we’re getting old.

      Well, maybe not you…maybe it’s just me that’s getting old.

  12. hahaha You crack me up, Lisa. I just love coming to visit you. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this lovely post with us over at Showin’ Some Love Hump Day Blog Hop! Already following you. 🙂

    <3 Amanda*

  13. I am not exactly sure what a snaggle is, but I suspect I might be needing braces as an adult, sniff sniff. Your story makes me feel better about that, haha.
    Lovely post – all your pictures are adorable. 🙂
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    • You don’t have to lie about my photos to make me feel better. I know I looked ridiculous!

      And a snaggle tooth is one that kind of juts out forward…it’s not in line with the others, and it’s just kind of a pain. It’s like a non-conformer.

  14. Chubby Chatterbox on May 29, 2013 at 11:24 am said:

    I was 58 when I got my first retainer. I wore it for two years and now, like a typical teenager, I’ve lost it.

  15. I never really thought about the snaggle tooth rule in-depth, but oh my god you’re right. Meaning my girlfriend is going to have some explaining to do. I suspected her in the disappearance of my pastries but we’ll see what the investigation turns up.

    I’m also sad to admit that the sense of awkwardness made me feel right at home. Except given a gender switch. I was not the most graceful/ non-nerdy child. Nor am I the most graceful/ non-nerdy adult. I fear that it’s too late for me.
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    • Please keep me posted on the investigation into the missing pastries. I hate to say it, but your girlfriend might be the caper, especially if she has a snaggle.

      The Rule of Snaggle doesn’t lie. It’s science.

  16. Loved your trip down memory lane and I actually think you really rocked those braces back then! Oh and I just love the term “snaggle.”
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  17. That last picture of you could’ve been me with blond hair. Same white shirt (polyester I’m sure) buttoned all the way up, same pin at the neck (although I think mine was more of a bolero), same crunchy curly hair, same head tilt, and same braces. You were freakin’ beautiful.
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    • I’m not sure what photo you were looking at, but I was NOT freakin’ beautiful, unless you’re saying it mockingly, because I was hideous.

      And you and I would have been friends in high school, because we were both clearly on the cutting edge of fashion.

  18. I got a retainer when my kids got their braces. Snaggle tooth be damned! Well, I didn’t wear it as often as I should, and now, seriously, I think I need braces for some of my top teeth. AT MY AGE! Pass the Clearasil 😉
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  19. Oh, you looked adorable, lion pin and all!!
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  20. Love your pix as a kid to a teen.

    Happy WW!
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  21. Since I wasn’t absolutely clear what a snaggle was, I made it a point to look it up in the Urban Dictionary:

    Snaggle:
    – to steal, to take, look at or check out (lemme snaggle your notes)
    – to scream at a group of people from a moving car
    – an annoying person that has no reason to be annoying
    – to delay getting up to do something that should be done
    – someone’s girlfriend
    – a term that can replace almost any word for effect

    So, given the above, you can resolve that snaggle by making sure that you don’t snaggle while snaggling a snaggle for snaggle’s sake.
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    • You, my friend, are a dedicated reader, and I can’t thank you enough for your investigative journalism. What’s interesting is these definitions make my point…that the Rule of Snaggle is legitimate, and backed by science, and urbandictionary.com.

      How much more legit can it be?

      I had no idea that snaggling was screaming at a group of people FROM a moving car, as opposed to yelling at people IN a moving car. Big difference.

      Do you think a snaggle tooth could be someone’s snaggle while snaggling the neighbors?

  22. Oh man, I wore my retainer for years. I think I still have it in a memory box someplace. But now I wear a bite guard which is WAY cooler and toothier. I loved seeing your pictures. Awesome!
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    • Do you know what’s sad? I’ve been thinking I need a bite guard, so this retainer is really serving dual purposes.

      I shouldn’t be that excited about it, but I am. But you’re right. A bite guard is what all the cool kids are wearing.

  23. I did a double-take when I saw some of those photos. My sister had the same, blonde, asymmetrical, puffy hair and fondness for turtle necks.
    Just the word “braces” makes me sweat, as you’ve read in a previous post of mine. My bottom teeth aren’t straight anymore, and I don’t care. I am not, I repeat, NOT going to wear them again. I’m supposed to wear a bite guard at night, too, but apparently I would rather grind my teeth down to the gums, since I never wear it.
    Good luck with that snaggle.
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  24. We totally could have been BFFs and shared hair products AND picked food out of each others’ grills, boo. Wish I had worn my retainer. My teeth are all jacked now. Sorry mom.
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    • I would only share hair products with you if it was Dep hair gel. If it’s not $1.99 per gallon of gel, it just isn’t good enough for these luscious locks.

  25. LOL, I wonder if TIGER BEAT is still around. Loving the post and the pics. 🙂
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  26. Jessica on June 4, 2013 at 9:06 am said:

    Omg! I remember those chin cup days! I do not miss my jewelry at all! Although I miss my Tiger Beat and Joey McIntyre back in the days! Thanks for sharing your awesome post with us at My Favorite Posts Show Off Weekend Blog Party!

    Jessica

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