A letter to the trucker who tried to hitDear truck driver who attempted to hit on me today while driving,

I’m flattered. I really am. I mean, I know you’ve probably been on the road a long time, and haven’t seen a woman for days (aside from the ones on the boob tube in the local motels).

However, I’m sure your failure to see a woman in the flesh hasn’t made you any less picky as far as what type of women you prefer.

On a side note Women in the Flesh is overdue to Sal at Sal’s Seedy rentals. He wanted me to pass that message along. Just an FYI.

Yes, I know I look ridiculously appealing as I drive and rock out to Technotronic while pumping up the jam. Believe me. I know.

semi truckBut was it really necessary to honk incessantly and make hand gestures at me while I did the robot at the stop light?

And speeding up when we got on the highway so you could be right next to me might be considered sweet to your ladies of the night, but its super creepy to most people.

Some might even classify it as a crime.

Maybe you were just trying to see inside my car, as I have several issues of Us Weekly strewn about, along with various partially eaten pieces of fruit and a bucket of popcorn.

If you’d like, I can toss these items out the window for you to pick up. I’m a giver that way.

Just give me the international signal to chuck them out the window and I’ll do it right now.

semi truck and driverI’m also not sure how you are physically able to tilt your head to a 110 degree angle as you ogle, but it isn’t conjuring up images of exciting things you can so with such skills, other than fix my plumbing.

The plumbing under my cabinet, jack ass. My sink. My actual sink.  Get your head out of the gutter.

And don’t even think of filing a workers comp claim for your neck injury.

Staring at my pasty legs with your neck tilted at a strange angle does not a compensable claim make.

And I appreciate you visibly drooling while staring at the tops of my thighs, which you can see only because of your superior neck flexibility.

truck on rainy dayHowever, I don’t think your employer would appreciate it nearly as much, especially since you’re operating several tons of machinery.

No, that’s not a double entendre and I’m not talking about operating the “machinery in your pants.”

Speaking of your pants, please put both of your hands where I can see them.

If you insist on mirroring my every move, please do so with your hands at 10 and 2.

No, “10 and 2” are not the name of my breasts. Really? Really with that?!

Yes, the idea of leaving my husband for a truck driver who stalks me on the interstate is appealing, but I just don’t see our relationship going the distance.

No pun intended.

woman mailing somethingPun. I said pun. Not bun. I’m not referencing my butt here. Stay with me.

I can practically smell the cigarette smoke filling your cab, and although I realize you intended it to be sexy, felating the straw from your Big Gulp isn’t as enticing as you may think, especially since the straw keeps falling in between the gap where your front teeth used to be.

So, alas, we must go our separate ways, keeping in mind that our love was never meant to be.

But don’t worry, there are plenty of other women driving on the interstate who would be happy to start a long distance relationship with a truck driver they met while passing in the fast lane.

tiaraThat’s how so many fairy tale love stories begin.

With a three honk salute (and NOT with my boobs),

Love Lisa

 

 

35 Thoughts on “A letter to the trucker who tried to hit on me today

  1. That must have been quite a scene. I’m sitting here shaking my head. The way you told it just completely cracked me up!
    Michelle just rambled about…How To Grow Your Blog by Building a Tribe of Online FriendsMy Profile

  2. That was scary. I don’t think I’m going to drive by myself to vegas. Then again, I don’t think anyone is interested in a grey haired lady. So maybe I’m OK. Glad you are.
    Sandra just rambled about…Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Secrets RevealedMy Profile

    • You’re so sweet to be concerned! I drive a lot for my job, and sadly, this is not a one-time occurrence. It’s crazy how many truckers honk and wink and try to keep pace with you. I’m not sure what they think will happen…like I’m going to hold up a sign with my phone number on it or something.

      I’m not sure if this is just the standard culture, or I’m just the lucky gal who gets the advances.

      And I think you’re a looker for sure! 🙂

  3. You crack me up lady. Being a MS girl, I’m all too familiar with that particular type of man. It seems they’re everywhere here….now, that’s not to say ALL MS men are that way. The majority are nice-looking, mannered, and have all their teeth. But I digress…..loved the post-keep em coming! 🙂
    Trin @ ramsaygrace (@ramsaygrace) just rambled about…Letter to YOU + Giveaway ReminderMy Profile

    • I’m so glad you know what I’m talking about! Isn’t it crazy what truckers do to you while you’re driving. I will never look at my gallon of milk the same without thinking “How many women were ogled so I could get this milk delivered.”

      And then I will still drink it, because I fricking love milk.

      I’m so glad you enjoy my post. I appreciate that so much!

  4. Sometimes being too sexy is a hazard, I know that all too well!

  5. Would an injury to the neck while ogling you while on I-70 be within the course and scope of his employment? I want to know for future reference. 😉

    • Really with that website address? Hi-larious!

      I think we know that if I was the defense attorney on that work comp claim, it would result in a big fat denial. Duh.

  6. Wonderfully funny blog. Thanks so much for brightening my morning.

    I am a new follower via BlogLovin. I would be very greatful if you would follow me back at
    http://butterflyintheattic.blogspot.com/2013/05/upcycled-treasures-in-colors-of-froot.html

    Have a blessed day
    Colleen

  7. You’re lucky. At least they’re looking. Feeling dejected and unloved, the other day I decided to try my luck and drive nekkid.

    Now my cell mate is oogling my ass. Not what I had in mind…
    Doreen@househoneys just rambled about…No Sew SlipcoversMy Profile

    • The way I see it, an ogle is an ogle. Whether it’s from the hot waiter, or the nasty trucker I saw yesterday, or your cell mate (Who, consequently, may be the nasty trucker I saw yesterday).

      I say embrace the ogle and enjoy it, as it means someone is digging you. However, DO NOT embrace the actual ogler. That would send mixed messages and would be bad. Very bad.

  8. It wouldn’t be the most ridiculous lawsuit in the world. A man’s successfully sued himself before. I’d hate to see what’d happen in this sort of worker’s comp case.

    “You’re honor, I didn’t have much of a choice. It’s this damn mental hard-wiring. I’m a male!”

    “Litigant is allowed recompense provided he first fist-bump the nearest male while saying ‘awwwwhh yeah.'”
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  9. Please post a vlog of you doing the robot.
    thoughtsappear just rambled about…Two Peas in a Pod, Two Yolks in an EggMy Profile

  10. Chubby Chatterbox on May 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm said:

    Fun post! How kind of you to let this chump off so easily. A less confident or less lady-like person might have ridiculed him in the way he deserved. But you have risen above such pettiness and are to be congratulated.

  11. AHAHAHAHA! I love it! You GO! 🙂 And it’s nice to know I’m not alone – I had one truck driver mouthing the words “I Love You” and it just creeped me out. He tried to get me to pull over at a rest area, so to get him off stalker mode, I acted like I was going to – nodded affirmation, but then slowed down so he was ahead of me…and when he got off the exit, I floored it and sped on past. The look on his face (because no way would he catch me now!) was priceless. 🙂
    Stacy Uncorked just rambled about…Hickory Dickory Dock – the Cat VersionMy Profile

    • You are awesome for doing that! I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my regular dealings with truckers attempting to flirt with me while they’re driving.

      I often wonder if they ever have success, and if some woman really does pull over to the rest stop. Who does that?!

  12. You’re just going to have to face up to the fact that you’re a hottie, and men are willing to risk their very lives to be near you. Stop driving topless and this will slack off. 🙂
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…10 reasons my husband is funnier than a fuzzy kittenMy Profile

  13. I must not be as enticing as you are…this hasn’t happened to me. However, I have a suggestion for you. Rent two kids to sit in the backseat…I think that is why it never happens to me. They see that and they run like the wind! 🙂
    Thanks so much for linking up at the Real Family Fun link party! Hope to see you next week.
    KC
    KC @ The Real Thing with the Coake Family just rambled about…Simple Handmade Father’s Day CardMy Profile

  14. Holy hilarious!! What a great blog! Newest follower here… I was hoping that you’d pop on by and follow me back.

    Have a lovely weekend,
    Sarah
    http://www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com
    Sarah just rambled about…Summer Giveaway!!!My Profile

  15. I’m so jealous. The only ones oogling my thighs and boobs are the cats; and that’s just because they want to use them as a scratching post.
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…Going Hands-Free: How I Plan to Make Myself Lazier and More Efficient My Profile

    • Well, considering scratching posts are usually fairly thin in girth, I’d take this as a compliment.

      I just achieved a personal goal in this comment, as I used the word “girth.” Thanks for that. I’m glad it was with you. 🙂

  16. Can you blame him? Hot and funny? Well, I guess he couldn’t know you’re funny. Maybe he misconstrued your dancing for a “come hither”. That must be it.
    Jen just rambled about…Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday 10My Profile

  17. Bahahahahahaha………..wait a minute………..gotta catch my breath………bahahahahaha!!!!!! OMG, I am dying over here! “Felating the straw”. You are TOO much Lisa. And I love you for it!
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Musings From the Shower SeriesMy Profile

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