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It’s the holiday weekend, which marks the beginning of summer, or as I like to call it, the beginning of BBQ season.

Summertime is the perfect excuse to always have french onion dip in your fridge, and at least 3 bags of Ruffles potato chips in the cupboard.

Okay, since it’s not 1932 and you don’t have a cupboard, you can keep them in your pantry.

But with all the fun of the summer months also comes the dreadful swim suit debacle.

Questions like “why didn’t I start a diet in January?” or “why do I eat so many carbs?” or “how is 2 Broke Girls still on the air?” regularly float through my head this time of year.

Seriously, who watches that show?

A better way to view theWith the dreaded bathing suit season comes the thought of dieting, hunger, and the inevitable bad mood that follows when you cut off access to this girl’s carbs.

However, this year I have a different point of view to the bathing suit season.

Instead of starving myself and forcing those around me to become alcohol dependent, as that is the only way to deal with me when I’m trying to eat less than 3,000 calories a day, I’ve come up with a new approach.

Isn't this a better site to see on the beach than flabby thighs?

Isn’t this a better site to see on the beach than flabby thighs? (I’m sure she’s reading Immanuel Kant….or maybe it’s just a book with pretty pictures. Where’s Waldo may be over her head.)

I’m not going to focus on how I look in a bathing suit. I’m going to focus on those around me and how they look in said bathing suit.  (Not mine.  They can wear their own suits.)

I realize this doesn’t immediately make sense, but neither does Justin Beiber getting another album.  Bear with me.

I’ve decided that during the summer months when I’m lounging by the pool, I’m only going to surround myself with skinny people with awesome bodies.

Yes, you read that right.

I am willingly going to be the fattest person in my entourage instead of realizing halfway through the day that I’m the lovable fat friend and the only one in the group wearing Spanx and still looking overweight.

Instead, I’m going to embrace it and make a conscious effort to be around only skinny people.

The reason?  No, I’m not a masochist, although for some reason I continue to buy the Greek veggie dip telling myself every time “this time it’s gonna be good.”

Aside from that form of self torture, I’m not really into that.

But I figure if I surround myself with skinny people who look good at the pool, my view for the day will be delightful.

These chicks seem pumped about the idea.

These chicks seem pumped about the idea.

As far as the eye can see I will view attractive, bronzed bodies with minimal cellulite and the ability to walk without their legs rubbing together.

It will be perfection!

After all, I’m not the one who has to stare at flabby arms and a gut filled with Chipotle…that’s my friends who have to do that!  Suckas!!!!

I think this idea is fool proof and it will be effective immediately.

I realize this seems like discrimination, but I like to think of it as a beautification requirement where I am surrounded by “happy little bodies,” which are much like the “happy little trees” Bob Ross used to paint, although hopefully these bodies will have less bush.

Yes, I really just made that joke.  Low brow?  Yes.  Hilarious?  Also yes.

So if I ask you to go to the pool with me this summer, you should take it as a compliment.

Aside from the fact you will have the honor of chilling with me poolside and partaking in my awesome snacks, of which you can only have one, you should also be happy to know that I consider you a hard body who will make me feel better about myself.

And isn’t that really what friendships are all about?

40 Thoughts on “A different way to view the swimming suit season

  1. What a fabulous idea! Maybe if I do that and stare at all the skinny people around me, my brain will trick me and tell me that I look as good as them! You may not want to invite my size 12 me, to your pool party but I do love onion dip!

  2. Okay, so first off, I just HAVE to follow your blog now because you had tears pouring I was laughing so hard! I love it, although sadly, I wouldn’t be able to hang with you at the pool since my bod isn’t tan or fit. Actually, I am…skinny…a tiny little sized four. However, {and now I’m telling all my secrets}, I’ve had two kids and the cellulite/flabby stomach to prove it. So, just because it’s small sized, doesn’t mean it’s tan or beautiful. In the past I saw a guy checking me out and couldn’t help thinking, “he’s going to be so disappointed poor fella.” lol But alas, I’m pretty close to the point of not really giving two hoots about any of that. Anyway, cute post-loved it, and am excited to be reading along now. And P.S.–If that’s you in the top picture, you’re looking great in your suit!
    Trin @ ramsaygrace (@ramsaygrace) just rambled about…It’s Friday LettersMy Profile

    • OMG! i’m so glad you found me, however that was! (I was probably on a “Do not waste your time reading these blogs” list.)

      And don’t you worry, I will allow you in my entourage, even if your entire body is the size of my left thigh. I like your spirit!

      And yes, that’s me in the suit. My hubby and I go to the same place in Mexico every year for Christmas and that was this last Christmas. It’s our favorite spot at the swim up bar.

      P.S. I suspect* we peed in the pool after this photo was taken.

      *Suspect = know.

  3. Doreen@househoneys on May 25, 2013 at 12:42 am said:

    Holy Quapp! You’re one funny bitch (and I mean that in the nicest way)! I laughed so hard at the bush joke I almost need to change my Poise pad. Why aren’t you writing for Leno? Scrap that…his days are numbered. How about Fallon? Lord knows he needs some good material, but probably even your witty repartee can’t save him from his poor delivery, so scrap him too. You know what? Screw them and start your own freakin show. Just don’t forget to send me front row seats and while you’re at it introduce me to the audience as your mentor and inspiration and maybe you can throw in a years supply of Poise. After a year I’ll probably upgrade to Depends but I will keep you posted on that front.

    So glad you stopped by our hop yesterday! You have yourself a new follower 🙂

    • I’m so glad you found me and you like what I write! I’m such a flipping disaster, so I love that other people get my humor.

      Isn’t Seth Myers taking over for Fallon? I think Seth is cute, so I could totally work for him. (And by “work for him” I mean “perform sexual favors.”)

      And don’t you worry, if I make it big, I will give you a lifetime supply of Depends! YOU get Depends….and YOU get Depends….and YOU get Depends!

      Okay, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I may just have to give the generic brand from Target. I guess it depends.

      Ha! Ha! It depends!

      Thank you for stopping by and reading and commenting. I’m so glad you know you’re a new fan! 🙂

  4. You know what? I hang out with skinny people rather than dieting. They don’t eat much, so I feel like a pig & eat less. I call it the shame diet. Totally works.
    Amy mayen just rambled about…Baby Bubble Pocket ShortsMy Profile

    • That’s so brilliant! On another note, it also ensures you get most of the food, as you can eat their leftovers.

      You’re on to something there. I like the way you think!

  5. Great attitude. It’s about how you feel. If you are happy, that is 99% of the battle.

    • That really is true. I would prefer to be happy and look fabulous, but if I had to pick one, I’d pick the happy! Thanks for visiting and commenting. 🙂

  6. That is a brilliant idea Lisa and I just may steal it. In my case, all the hard and tanned bodies will be at MY pool and they will all be between 14 and 15. I consider this a bonus because if I start to feel bad about myself, I can remember that they are just kids and life (which includes gravity) just hasn’t gotten around to them yet. And if they think they’re going to swim in MY pool, they must bring their own food and towels. This ain’t no babysitting service!! And to their moms – you’re welcome!
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…Fly On The Wall – Modern Family StyleMy Profile

    • I agree with you on all fronts! I just want to show those teens a picture of me in my tiny bikini when I was 16, point to my flab and say ‘this sill happen to you.”

      I might actually just do that! Excellent advice (in a round about way.)

  7. I will join you at the pool, but can you bring Pringles instead of Ruffles? And I love that you went there with Bob Ross – you do lowbrow and hilarious so well.
    Dana just rambled about…I Blog because I’m a LoserMy Profile

  8. You are a very entertaining writer! I enjoyed your post and I hope to gain more enthusiasm toward the swimsuit season such as you have, thanks!

    I am becoming a follower!
    krystie just rambled about…How to make a butterfly using doiliesMy Profile

  9. Hahaha, what a different way to mentally skye yourself up for pool season!

    You don’t really need to put so much thought into it. People are self involved and are way too bothered thinking about what others think about them and how others view them to actually judge/really see anyone else!

    Enjoy your weekend!

    Corinne x
    Corinne just rambled about…Petticoat PrincessMy Profile

  10. sara on May 25, 2013 at 6:42 pm said:

    But I just got through applying to be the fat friend in the entourage… Now I’m sad :(.

  11. I love it! You are a genius, I can now stop stressing about losing the weight my medication has caused me to gain. thanks for the laughs too, they were much needed today and every other day. I’m going back to my popcorn and laffy taffy addiction now!

    Have a great weekend!
    Lorna K just rambled about…World Autoimmune Arthritis Day. Blogger Friends I need your help!My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. Obviously, I won’t disagree with you on me being a genius, although at times, I’d say my husband would disagree.

      I’m so sorry you’ve gained weight from medication. I gained about 50 pounds a few years ago from a medical issue and it took me 2 years before I lost it. I know how you feel, and I’m still not where I want to be, but I don’t think anyone ever is. All you can be do is happy with what you have, and go from there. Oh, and surround yourself with attractive skinny people.

      Thanks for reading and commenting! Funny you should mention popcorn and laffy taffy, as those are the charges for reading this blog. You can mail them to me. 🙂

  12. This plan is brilliant. It’s better than brilliant – it’s astounding. It takes all the pressure off of you (or me, since I plan on implementing this idea and giving you absolutely no credit for it) and the need to check your look in reflections and/or mirrors all day, because you’ll just be happy knowing where you stand in the social circle. Brills!
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…A diploma and 25 years and all I got are pictures with a lousy haircutMy Profile

  13. I like to hang around skinny little people too.

    Then I follow them home and eat them.
    Amy (KidFreeLiving) just rambled about…Show the Nice Lady the Chiggers Hiding in Your ButtMy Profile

  14. Peggy Campbell on May 26, 2013 at 7:44 am said:

    My daughter writes sugardishme and posted a link to your gnome jerry which has special significance for our family . It gave us all a huge laugh! Anyway heather is a fan and now so am I and i am ejoying reading some of your past blogs. The mothers day blog hit home. I have 5 kids, 4 furry ones of our own and 4 grand dogs (plus a cat that thinks it’s a dog). We have taken 7 dogs ( 5 of them at 80 lbs or better) with us on beach vacations. So, new fan…..we have lots in common. Everyone needs a good laugh. Thanks! Peggy

    • Your daughter is such a loyal and avid reader and I appreciate her so much! I love that she shared a link to my Jerry post, and love even more that it has familial significance to you (and not in a bad way!)

      I love that you’re an animal lover too! We love our boys as if they were our human children, and include them in everything we do in our lives. I love finding others who love theirs like we do…although I will admit ours have never been on a beach vacation. The little yorkie would hate it on his paws, and Shady Jack’s head would explode with joy. Max would think we were still at the house on the couch. He’s special.

      Thanks for letting me know you are reading and thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it. 🙂

  15. You absolutely crack me up! Sign me up for your pool-side shenanigans 🙂
    Jennifer just rambled about…Baby Proofing InfoGraphic: Do We Need To Go That Crazy?My Profile

  16. LOL! We were in the waterpark @ Six Flags on Memorial Day. So… I live in TX and they all seem to live by the phrase”Everything is BIG in TX.” Love the people here but I can definitely say that a size 12 here looks skinny with everyone else ;). Thanks so much for sharing this with us @ My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party!

    Jessica
    The Wondering Brain
    Jessica just rambled about…Setting the Right Example for Children – A Guest Post by Lisa Nelson from Squishable BabyMy Profile

  17. I’d rather just not put the dreaded swimsuit on.
    Joyce just rambled about…#GBE2: No Comfort in My Fictional WorldMy Profile

  18. Oh I totally love this! It is all about feeling good about yourself! Weight is totally secondary!! Thanks for the most adorable post!
    mel just rambled about…My Love With I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! #CookwithSpreads #adMy Profile

  19. Okay, me and the junk in my trunk are IN! I just tried on my bathing suit from last year and it cried. Rather than buy a new one, I’m going rock the two sizes two small in an effort to journey with you on this endeavor. You’ve got better boobs than me, though, so I may invest in a push-up–don’t judge.
    whencrazymeetsexhaustion just rambled about…Get To MixingMy Profile

    • Sometimes I rock the two sizes too small just to punish myself! The other day I put on a pair of shorts that were really tight and I wore them around the house all day. (Don’t worry, I didn’t go out in public in them.)

      I wanted to remind myself that I’m fat and wearing tight shorts is not fun.

      I ate half a jar of Nutella that day, so I’d chalk that up to a fail.

      You can TOTALLY join my posse, but only if you wear the two-sizes-too-small suit. Sorry, them’s the breaks.

  20. Pingback: Friday Flash Blog #20 | The Jenny Evolution

  21. My Gawd you crack me up and I’m lovin’ ya for it! Save me some of the french onion dip 😉
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