It’s the holiday weekend, which marks the beginning of summer, or as I like to call it, the beginning of BBQ season.
Summertime is the perfect excuse to always have french onion dip in your fridge, and at least 3 bags of Ruffles potato chips in the cupboard.
Okay, since it’s not 1932 and you don’t have a cupboard, you can keep them in your pantry.
But with all the fun of the summer months also comes the dreadful swim suit debacle.
Questions like “why didn’t I start a diet in January?” or “why do I eat so many carbs?” or “how is 2 Broke Girls still on the air?” regularly float through my head this time of year.
Seriously, who watches that show?
With the dreaded bathing suit season comes the thought of dieting, hunger, and the inevitable bad mood that follows when you cut off access to this girl’s carbs.
However, this year I have a different point of view to the bathing suit season.
Instead of starving myself and forcing those around me to become alcohol dependent, as that is the only way to deal with me when I’m trying to eat less than 3,000 calories a day, I’ve come up with a new approach.
I’m not going to focus on how I look in a bathing suit. I’m going to focus on those around me and how they look in said bathing suit. (Not mine. They can wear their own suits.)
I realize this doesn’t immediately make sense, but neither does Justin Beiber getting another album. Bear with me.
I’ve decided that during the summer months when I’m lounging by the pool, I’m only going to surround myself with skinny people with awesome bodies.
Yes, you read that right.
I am willingly going to be the fattest person in my entourage instead of realizing halfway through the day that I’m the lovable fat friend and the only one in the group wearing Spanx and still looking overweight.
Instead, I’m going to embrace it and make a conscious effort to be around only skinny people.
The reason? No, I’m not a masochist, although for some reason I continue to buy the Greek veggie dip telling myself every time “this time it’s gonna be good.”
Aside from that form of self torture, I’m not really into that.
But I figure if I surround myself with skinny people who look good at the pool, my view for the day will be delightful.
As far as the eye can see I will view attractive, bronzed bodies with minimal cellulite and the ability to walk without their legs rubbing together.
It will be perfection!
After all, I’m not the one who has to stare at flabby arms and a gut filled with Chipotle…that’s my friends who have to do that! Suckas!!!!
I think this idea is fool proof and it will be effective immediately.
I realize this seems like discrimination, but I like to think of it as a beautification requirement where I am surrounded by “happy little bodies,” which are much like the “happy little trees” Bob Ross used to paint, although hopefully these bodies will have less bush.
Yes, I really just made that joke. Low brow? Yes. Hilarious? Also yes.
So if I ask you to go to the pool with me this summer, you should take it as a compliment.
Aside from the fact you will have the honor of chilling with me poolside and partaking in my awesome snacks, of which you can only have one, you should also be happy to know that I consider you a hard body who will make me feel better about myself.
And isn’t that really what friendships are all about?