dog runningWho? Who? Who?

No really. Who?  It’s a totally legitimate question and I want answers!  Yes, there’s a story.  Isn’t there always?

First off, I will readily admit I’m a sleep walker. I’m also a sleep talker, and if you ask my husband, a sleep scolder and a sleep nagger too.

What can I say? I’m dedicated to my wifely duties and I’m an overachiever.

I can have entire conversations while sleeping and the person talking to me probably has no idea I’m sound asleep. I might be asleep right now as I type this. You’ll never know.

My sleep activity doesn’t necessarily have to do with the fact I get about 5 hours of sleep a night, although I’m sure that doesn’t help.

mphI think its just because I’m always going a million miles an hour, and can’t slow down, even when I’m sleeping.

I can, however, slow down significantly, practically to a snail’s pace, if doing so will get me out of something I don’t want to do. Like clean the bathroom….or talk about my feelings.

I’ve always been a sleep walker but lately I think I’ve been doing better. I suppose there’s no way to measure that for sure, but since I haven’t been charged with assaulting the neighbor’s cat while wearing only a house dress, I’d say I haven’t been sleep walking as much.

The cat wears the house dress, not me. That would just be weird.

So last night, I went to bed about 1:15 and I woke up at 2:00 to Bentley whining. This is not an uncommon occurrence, as he is a super diva and regularly demands things such as fresh water and a pillow fluff.

I’m not kidding.

Bentley on couch

See what I mean? Diva.

polar bearWhile I tended to his every need, I realized Shady Jack wasn’t at the foot of the bed. I knew he was there when I went to bed less than an hour ago, so I decided to investigate.

I walked into the kitchen and looked out into the back yard and saw the light was on outside.

That was strange, as I’m crazy about turning off lights. If I don’t need it, I turn if off. I don’t want polar bears in the North Pole dying because I want to get a better look at what slutty outfit the neighbor is wearing across the street.

It’s easier to spy with the lights off anyway.

I walked over and turned off the lights, apologizing out loud to the polar bears. That’s when I saw Shady Jack’s face staring back at me…from the other side of the door.

This is a re-enactment.  It's not from the night in question.  This was taken during the day.

This is a re-enactment. It’s not from the night in question. This was taken during the day.

jack with toy

He prefers to snuggle with his toys.

Um, what?

I opened the door to let him back in and he seemed unphased by the incident. I tried to get him to tell me who let him out, but I suspect he didn’t want to embarrass me or put me on the spot.

He also seemed more interested in licking his crotch. I can’t say I blame him.

I shrugged it off and went back to bed, grabbing a few cookies before I went.

When I woke up this morning, I asked Matt if he let the dogs out last night and he said no. I believed him because I have to do everything around here.  He suggested I did it in another one of my sleep walking episodes.

He then proceeded to tell me the front door was unlocked this morning when he left for the gym. He may have just been throwing it in my face that he went to the gym this morning, but whatever.  I sleep walk.  That’s cardio.

I was concerned about the unlocked door because I’m crazy about locking the door.  It’s one of the last things I do before I go to bed.

That, and eat some cookies.

And then it hit me. Jerry did it. I probably got up in the night and we had an engaging discussion about the tax code and why he hates tax basis accounting.

Jerry close upAs a side note, don’t ever bring up no-par value stock to Jerry. Lesson learned the hard way.

I bet Jerry came in to take a break from guarding the house, and after our enlightening talk, he decided to let the dogs out so I could go back to sleep.

He then sensed danger at the front of the house, so he returned to his post to secure the premises, thus, forgetting Shady Jack.

He left the front door unlocked because he’s a fricking garden gnome and can’t reach up to lock it. Duh.

These types of problem solving skills are what make me a champion at Clue.

I suspect this closes the case on who let the dogs out. It was Jerry. Someone alert the Baha Men so they can stop asking that obnoxious question.

However, I won’t know for sure it was him for another week, as that’s how long it takes the local police to bring me up on indecent exposure charges.

Hypothetically.